"Oh my God, we cannot hear, the sounds too loud, we drown it out"

I've had the editing window for this post open for a good 25 minutes, with nothing to show for it.  I've done absolutely everything else I can think of to occupy my time, and now I'm stooping to getting this started, by telling you I'm having trouble getting it started.  Yeah, this'll be a good one.

Its not that I don't have things to say, I'm just not even sure where to start, or how to get them out at all.

6 Flags was an absolute blast.  It was a small group, and I'd only spent more than a few minutes with one of them, and I don't think I was alone in that.  Despite this, we gelled really well and ended up having a fantastic day.

I got home relatively early (9:30-ish) and spent a few minutes talking to Celia, and then I tried to will myself to stay awake reading and playing videogames (alternately, not at the same time).  My brother was getting his race car ready for another day of racing and came in and asked me to test it at about 11:30.  So of course I did.  And there I was, going inordinately fast, on a public road, in a marked race car.  I think my whole life used to be like this.  Moments that seem too big or too crazy to be real.  I'm very upset they have become so infrequent.

Saturday was . . . interesting.  But not impressively so.  Which I mention mostly as a literary element, a segue to the next section.

I skipped church on Sunday.  And that's the first time I've missed a Sunday somewhere in 3 months.  In the strictest sense it was intentional, but that doesn't tell the whole story.  As of Saturday night, I had every intention of going to church the next day.

Now to fully frame this I have to explain that I stayed up way too late on Thursday writing a blog post.  And then got up at 7 to go spend all day running around in the sun at an amusement park.  Despite being pretty wiped out I stayed up relatively late on Friday helping my brother, and then got up early on Saturday to go to a local MMA gym.  I spent Saturday afternoon doing quite a bit of intense yardwork, and then stayed up late again reading this book that has me totally fascinated.  Despite all that I set my alarm and went to bed expecting to have a typical Sunday.

When I woke up the next morning I was exhausted.  I tried to tell myself that I needed to get over it, that church is more important than any of that.  But then a thought hit me.  I remembered how I'd felt last Sunday night.  I remembered how I hadn't heard a peep from anyone but Nick and Rachel all week, despite a number of reason I knew I should have.  And I just realized I didn't want to go to CIL.  I didn't want to be there, around those people, feeling fake and unconnected.  Had I bothered to reach this conclusion early I could have found somewhere else to go, even if I figured I wouldn't be crazy about it.  But as it was, I just went back to bed.

I truly was intent on spending time with God on my own, but . . . I didn't.

Now this brings up a number of points:

1) No one from CIL has contacted me about not being there Sunday morning or Sunday night, so I really think that seals the deal.  I'm pretty sure I'm done there.  This is a very scary prospect.  It means I have to find a new church, which is quite a daunting idea.  I could try GodWhy, but from everything I've heard, I just think I need to be somewhere else on Sundays.  Remembering my previous canvas of local churches does not bring me much hope.  I really can't think of anywhere else close that seems appealing to me.  And I can't afford right now to go far away to church. And even if I could I don't like the idea, that makes it harder to easily live with people, which brings up another element.  The people from CIL were the ones I had been spending the most time with, so as it stands I've lost most of my friends, with few prospects for quantity replacement.  Maybe I should move.

2) I've mentioned it before, but I'm absolutely sure I'm not as gentle as I used to be.  I've become much gruffer lately, if only in my thought life, and I don't care for it at all.

I could have easily skipped the gym on Saturday morning and slept in, but I didn't.  As you'll recall I'd had a few "fight" themed dreams the previous week and watched Fight Club on Thursday night.  I was raring to go.  And Saturday mornings at local MMA gyms are a buffet for a guy like me.  The gyms are full of over eager, over egoed weekend warrior types who think a few training sessions make them skilled fighters and that fighting is a great way to complete and enrich their empty soul sucking lives.  And people who don't know much about fighting think everything is determined by size.  Some of these guys don't even ask what training you've been through.  Its almost too easy.

And that paragraph right there explains most of the problem.  I don't like thinking like that.  I don't like that I wanted to go at all.  I don't like how I framed those guys, instead of just recognizing them as in need of Christ.  This is why I often think of giving up fighting and never going near it again.  And other things, just . . . ways I recognize I use to be gentler.  And I don't like it.

3)  This book I'm reading about the Ark of the Covenant is stealing my time and attention.  I'm hoping to write a little bit on it soon, as well as the other book I just finished that was great.

4)  Most importantly, I'm not where I need to be with God, and this made me realize it.

Why didn't I spend time with God on Sunday?  Why wasn't I doing everything I could to make it happen?  Why am I nervous about finding a church?  Why am I freaking out about money and a job and everything other thing under the sun?

Because I'm disconnected.

I don't know how it happened.  Functionally everything is pretty much the same, its like just the depth is missing.

And today was interesting.  I was doing more yardwork before I went over to Jeff's and I was thinking about all these areas of my life that I just feel completely lost in, and I realized I'm not sure the last time I heard from God.  And all this stuff is weighing on me, there are all these questions.  And I haven' heard anything.  I should.  And I know its my fault.  I don't know why it is, I don't know what to call it, but even as I sit here I don't want to go spend quality time with Him.  What a freaking disaster.

To make matters worse, I've had dreams about Heather three of the last four nights.  Thursday and Friday night I had dreams where we were reunited, so real that when I woke up I was surprised to remember reality.  And then last night I don't even remember, I think it was an argument.  The important things in all this are the effects.

Chiefly, I don't trust my dreams anymore, perhaps even my spiritual ears at all.  Specifically in regards to dreams though, it just seems I've lost whatever gift I had.  Sucktastic.

Also troubling is that I've found myself thinking of Heather recently.  Even when I told Lauren and Katie the whole story on Friday night, I was fine.  (I did think it funny they both said she'd call).  And mostly it was a passing thing.  But today . . . I feel like I've missed her and longed for her and thought about her all day.  And I hate it.

I am sourceless raging self-anger.

Seriously, I'm not in a bad mood.  I think I just need sleep.  Really I know better.  I need to spend time with God.  I need some answers.  I need some provision.  I need to hear His voice.

I'm not there yet.  I hate that I still get afraid of things.  I hate that I don't live completely on love.  I hate that I don't like any route I see and I still keep hoping and yet I doubt at the same time.

"In all things" right?  Let's get this show on the road.

"God can you hear me . . ."

I've been writing more lyrics lately, which is good because I went through a bit of a drought there. Now if only I could actually will myself to pick up the guitar and put them to something. Or find my keyboard I'm pretty sure I gave away. Having that would be a help.

I should really be in bed. Getting up at 7 for 6 Flags is gonna kick my butt. I feel so old sometimes. I didn't use to need this much sleep did I?

I got to thinking today, with good reason, about whether or not new readers, who seem to keep cropping up, will fully understand certain things I write. Ideally everyone who starts reading the blog should go back and start from the beginning, there's a lot contained there. While some of the elements have played out now, some things have lasting significance, sometimes in ways I don't even mention (props to anybody who can come up with one). The particular element I was thinking of was my mention of the dreams. The spiritual importance, or lack thereof, of dreams has been a concept in this blog almost since the beginning, but without knowing that, some people could just find mention of the dreams . . . odd at best. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to counter this, and I thought perhaps linking to relevant posts, or using the tagging system I did at the start might help. Any thoughts?

BTW, I've never gotten far into that book I started reading on spirituality and dreams.

Today I was thinking more about my second post last night, partially in response to a discussion I had with a friend this morning. While writing last night, I really just kind of flowed from all the things I wanted to say in a message/sermon. And in the end there was one essential element missing. I didn't fully discuss the subject of need. I'm not necessarily pointing this out as a bad thing, I'm simply . . . making the point. That an essential element to the topic of grace is the fact of need. We screwed up. We all chose hell. We have all needed to be rescued. Now there is certainly a lot more to say on this topic, I really just wanted to point out that I was aware of it, and you should be as well.

My talk this morning also involved some back and forth about whether or not appealing is even a good strategy in regards to witnessing. The question is whether or not it is right (not good) to make any attempts at a softer presentation to spread the gospel. The opposing reasoning is indeed sound.

Consider: Jesus was perfect. He was sinless. He was unbelievably likable and good with people, so much so that He could call someone out for their sin, and have them thank Him lovingly. And yet He was killed, for rightly saying He was the Messiah. By the very people who were expecting Him.

And I found myself wondering today, as a result of my talk, why should we expect any different. Now I don't believe this means we shouldn't reach out. It doesn't mean we should abandon culturally relevent presentation. But it does beg the question, is there ever a reason to "hide" or "sugar coat" certain elements of the truth, in order to get someone to listen to another part? When I put it like that, the answer seems obvious, but its not. We obviously can't expect everyone to listen to the truth, even if we get them to hear it. Jesus said people would hate us on account of Him. And we have to be uprgith in regards to the truth, we can't budge because the truth isn't up to us. Its not ours to change. So where is the intersection? And what does this look like practically? Does it even matter, or is it something that only serves as a comfort?

There's obviously an example, which is Christ. Our model for everything. The idea in which our very name is found. Christian. "Little Christ" "Christ Ones" That is what we strive for, and this is no different.

But for some reason, that answer doesn't feel complete, and perhaps it isn't. Maybe their is no magical formula, but rather knowledge of the quesiton itself settles it. "As long as you remember the interplay of those forces, you'll be fine."

Alright . . . so who's gonna hook me up on a date? And do I even want to go?

I'm going to bed, my brain makes me tired.

The Good Thing About Grace Is . . .

How would you finish that phrase? Think about it now.

I have ideas circulating in my head for messages/sermons, and I have previously refrained from sharing some of those thoughts here, but tonight I can't.

Tonight at CAKE we talked about the story of Noah's and his big boat. My attention was piqued because just today I began reading a book about the Ark of the Covenant.

Towards the close of the evening, a video talking a bit about TOMS (the shoe company) was played and offered as an answer to some pictures of barbarism and suffering that had been shown earlier. The idea was to get an initial picture of the wickedness of our generation given the opening of Genesis 6 where God decides to wipe humanity from the face of the earth. But Noah is righteous, so he is saved. And then TOMS was used as a corollary to Noah's righteousness. Indeed outright stating that God must be pleased with that picture in comparison to the awful things our age of humanity has produced.

I'm a supporter of GodWhy, both in principle and in practice. I believe in reaching out to seeker's and the un-churched and the anti-churched. But I'm about as theologically conservative as they come, to the point of clashing with traditionalism in some cases. Now those two things don't have to disagree. One of the great discussions of Young Life is the means of culturally relevant presentation of an unchanging message. That Christians must be willing to do whatever it takes to get people to hear the Good New. But if that news is changed, the mission becomes worthless. What's the point if the message changes. And I'm pretty sure a line was crossed tonight.

As soon as the video played alarm bells went off. I was concerned that this was the selected video as a display of modern righteousness. But I waited to see if more came of it. And then as the post video discussion happened, that's exactly where it went. In the end it only barely felt like anything having to do with a church. It felt more like a community organizing workshop or something. Not everyone, but here people were, including leaders, lauding the greatness of the deeds, without regard for the person's relationship with Christ. And that bugs the heck out of me. And scares me.

Just as I was figuring out what I could possibly say, the girl in front of me quickly jumps in and says it all so much better than I ever could have. She points out that salvation is not secured by works, and that it is faith in Christ alone which reinstates us with God. It was succint, it was not academic, it was diplomatic. And the response was that it was totally understandable to have that view. We're not talking about views. We're not talking about opinions. This is as basic as theological facts get. We screwed up. We're destined to die, but God comes and paves the way and says, "Please, turn around. I love you. Just come back."

In 2005 a team of researchers from the University of North Carolina at Chapil Hill's National Study of Youth and Religion released their findings. The most important finding was that most teens, while self-identifying as Christians, were indeed not. Most teens actually ascribed to a new cultural religion called "Moralistic Therapeutic Deism." An excellent article describing this religion and the reactions to the study can be found here. Why is this relevant? Firstly because I was just discussing this very idea last night with Rachel and Nick and Katie. We got to talking about our parents religions beliefs and how much their own theological smorgasbording, when combined with relativism and universalism and social justice theory, gave rise to this new religion. While not practitioners themselves, our parents birthed this beast. Jerks.

MTD is identified by five main points, two of which are significant to our discussion. Number 3 is that "the central goal of life is to be happy and to feel good about oneself." and number 5 is that "good people go to heaven when they die."

The last of these is an odd amalgamation of universalism and works based salvation. "Yes there is a God, yes there is a heaven. And everyone is welcome. If you're good, you get in."

And here it comes. A big ole load of truth. MTD is full of crap. Universalism is impossible to Biblically support, and works based salvation is only slightly less so. Put them together (i.e. MTD) and you're just rolling around in a big load of . . . well . . . you know.

Tonight during Transformers, there was a part where Shia LeBeouf's character says that he knows something will work, and when questioned why he respons, "Because I believe it will." or something like so. Then the music swells and the scene changes is. And Hollywood establishes the shifting recreation of truth based on belief as truth.

And I'm here with happy news. Truth is not subjective. At best, truth with a little "t" can be perspective based, but even a relative difference in what two people consider as cold will not change whether or not the temperature is actually so. And the bigger the "T", the bigger the Truth, the less flexible it is. And no matter how much Christianity wants to appeal to outsiders, or even that Christians want to not deal with hard truths. They are what they are. Or I supposed we could believe that 2,000 years of tradition, based on thoughts and writings of Jesus' contemporary's and their intellectual descendents did not indeed produce truth. I'm sure Brian McLaren has finally really stumbled on the truth.

The worst part, the worst part about this, is that we're not even changing for the better. There's a part of me that understand's the alternative possibility of leavign out information that may put off certain people. I can understand and agree with not touching on certain subjects or ideas until someone already has a certain amount of faith. But the problem here is that covering up this truth, or even worse, changing it, does not improve anything. It destroys.

At the creation of the world, we, people, were so close with God we could walk with Him daily. Every single day we were in His physical presence, which is impressive considering all matter and time and space are dependent on Him, so His physical presence is really only an interpretable projection. Nevertheless, we were there. And then despite having no reason to doubt or disobey God, we break the one and only rule there is. And in doing so, place ourselves in a state of separation from God known as "Sin", with the accompanying symptoms of "sin".

And a works based salvation, universalist or not, paints a picture of a God saying, "well . . . there you are. You're welcome back . . . if you can make it." We think we are doing Christianity or humanity a service by casting the light as,"dont' worry what you believe, just be good."

But the truth is so much more beautiful.

The good thing about grace. The beautiful thing about grace, is that we chose to seperate ourselves from God. We wronged Him. And instead of leaving us there, or telling us to make our way back. He comes running and screaming. He comes scrambling out of heaven to fix our mistakes.

The beautiful thing about grace is that God says, "I love you so much that I refuse to leave you where you are. I'll do all the work. Just accept me."

The beautiful thing about grace is that it means God came down out of heaven, to climb into the mud and experience every terrible thing man could create. To bear its weight. Because He loved you so much He couldn't stand to be away from you.

And every time that hammer fell upon those nails, it was your face that He saw. Whispering, "this is for you my beloved."

You cannot earn a love this grand.

The beautfy of God's gift of grace, is that because we can't earn it, we don't have to.

He takes care of everything, even though its our fault. And all we have to do, is stretch our arms out, and accept it.

And how much better, how much more beautiful, how much more loving, is that, than the idea of "being good."

We can't do such a thing. But that's okay. We don't have to.

Our debt has been paid.

And you can't earn a love that grand.

Did we just go in a giant circle?

Just got back from Transformers (super b-a) and Josheb and I are chilling together.

I got talking to Brian online, which is always good because it centers me back around on that virtue I treasure and strive for so dearly, but can so easily lose. Honesty. And where it goes easiest, inside. I just quit examining, quit being introspective. And suddenly I end up somewhere I didn't want to be.

I know I need to write a blog post. I know I haven't done it in about a week. I know that's not good for me, and its not fair to you all. I know I have a lot to say. I also know that its all getting stuck, and I'm having trouble writing. And I know that I should go to bed, because its already late, and its gonna be a long weekend.

Part of it, part of what makes it so easy to go on, is the lack of feedback. I have a rough idea of how many people are reading this, some very regularly, some with more casual interest, but the amount of feedback I get is sparse. Really people, part of the whole point of this for me is that its easier than covering the same ground multiple times. This is a conversation. Emails?

Holy crap, I actually had to go back and read my last post to remember how long it'd been. Well nutsors. I could have sworn I wrote something after that. It would help if the date weren't wrong, I wrote that on Wednesday, what's the deal Blogger.com? Are you tired?

Thursday was a trip. Literally and figuratively. I got up way early and was still running late. So I drive to White House (see: the other side of the earth) to pay a bill for my mom and then rush back to GodWhy to print some stuff and meet the people for the meeting, who it turns out can't go. So I leave late and head up to Westmoreland, by myself. Not the plan, but its okay.

I think its safe to say the meeting went very well. The educators and adminstrators Phil and I met with seemed very receptive to the idea of 912 Park, and were very helpful in terms of offering ideas and sharing what they saw in Westmoreland. I've gotten a few reports back that everyone else thought it went well to, so kicken. Phil and I then went over to Park to meet Jenn and Lauren to go over the interior paint colors.

Skipping the rest of the play-by-play, we'll just cover importantness. On Friday I went to a party with an old friend of mine, which was pretty heartbreaking. Admitedly humorous at points. It reminded of this thing about myself, where sometimes I make jokes for no one else, and I think they're pretty good.

Saturday was a lonely day, which came into heavier play on Sunday.

Sunday was . . . interesting. Church was . . . interesting. The worship itself felt disjointed for me. I just couldn't get into it. Couldn't let go. And I had the hardest time paying attention during the message. The afternoon was interesting, but I can't remember why.

Sunday night was . . . just curious. A number of people were missing, which was understandable given that it was Father's Day. But there was a far more pressing thing on my mind. I felt terribly out of place. The whole time Dan was teaching (Aaron was spending time with his family because of some busy weeks and traveling), I just felt . . . like I was in the wrong place. Like I wasn't wanted there. And it extended out from that. I won't give details, but when I left that night, I was discouraged about every single friendship I've formed at CIL. On the way home I was making a list of other churches I could reasonably try out, and come up with very little. But that's how bad it was. And it hasn't really gotten any better.

Part of it is this interminable phenomena of couples spending every single second of free time together. Good gosh what's the deal. In some ways it makes sense, because there aren't more significant friendships there, and I'd probably do the same thing were I in their situation. But its just not good for anybody.

So here I am, suddenly terribly unhappy with my friendships from my church, acutely aware of how little I mean to those people, and seriously wondering if I'm getting fed from any of my spiritual connections. The combination of things left me with an intense desire for brotherhood. For friendships in general, but specifically for some good, deep, and preferably multi-sourced brotherhood. But I'm just boggled as to how this could happen. I've been aware, but been recently reminded of how much spiritual depth I feel is lacking from CIL. Which means the friendships that were forming don't go where they should, and dissolve. And really I don't know many guys from GodWhy that I can see myself hanging out with as much as I had been with the CIL people. And I'm not sure I know anybody that I feel comfortable, or even on plane with, to really go deep with them. This is not a good position.

Monday and Tuesday were really just more of the same. Dealing with those feelings, and with others. Tuesday night, however, was great.

Kairos was incredible. The worship was stellar, just picking me up and carrying me away. And Mike's message was as good as ever. And yet I had trouble paying attention. I had trouble taking notes. Its like . . . I don't even know what its like. But I think something is wrong with me. The closing worship, however, was unbelievable. Once they gave the dismissal . . . nobody left. Imagine the spirit of God, the power of the worship experience, the joy of a church, where people don't leave when its over. Where they stay at their seats and say, "no, we're here to worship. And we intend to." And so it went on.

And when I got home, I felt it. I felt that I'd grabbed hold of more life. That I'd pulled my head above water for air.

But today it was gone. And it should have been. I should be living by the vine. But . . . I think I've ended up in a bad place. I'm reading everday. I'm praying everyday. I haven't missed a day in the Bible or my prayer journal for 3 months, and yet . . . I know that these last few days . . . I haven't been where I've needed to.

Case-in-point: I'm pretty sure God is trying to get my attention. My mp3 player broke on Thursday and has had to be sent off for service. I've been feeling restless. I've had other avenues of attention stripped. I've had some things go wrong. And after more than a week of nothing, I've dreamt every night for the last three nights. Two dreams each night. Always two. But I haven't even kept a record of them.

I know Sunday night was some sort of fight scene, that felt so very real, and then a dream of sitting with Heather, talking about everything, with her being angry.

I don't remember the dreams from last night, but Monday night's dreams are of particular concern.

There was another fight scene dream. At the end of it, everything changed. I was standing face to face with a lovely young lady. A slender blonde in a purle shirt. She stepped towards me and I took a step back, falling over as she fell on top of me, and then she leaned in to kiss me. Before I fell I asked her what her name was. And she told me.

So then on Tuesday night, at Kairos, while we're leaving I see a girl in the crowd I think I recognize, so I peer through the heads to get a second look. She's blonde, wearing a purple shirt, and I've seen her face before.

And I didn't go and ask her what her name was.

What the heck?! What's my deal? Why do I feel so funky and out of sorts? I thought I was pursuing. I've been to at least 2 and usually 3 church services every week for 3 months. In that same time I've been daily in the Bible and my pj, and I've been better about praying over a longer period than I've ever been. So how the flying flip did I get here? What's going on?

So what about girls? And what can't I ever quit worrying about that? Because my wife is out there somewhere, and I miss her terribly. I'm daily reminded of my desire for her, and the things I am looking forward to. I cannot wait to bow down and worship with you. I cannot wait to speak so softly and tenderly in your ear.

God has given me no direction with Amber, which probably is a direction. And I'm totally okay with that. But I can't seem to let go of desire. Part of me wants to go really old school and starting asking people, "hey, know anyone who'd be interested in guy like me? Anyone I'd be interested in?" Dear God, why don't you just get this over with?

On the upswing, the last few days have been very good for my self-esteem, for reasons I cannot easily identify. I'm an offering and I know it. I know what I'm worth. Not as a matter of pride, hardly, simply true humility. The admission of the bad, with the recognition of the good.

What is the Lord teaching me . . . well I'm glad you asked, I'd like to devote another post to that. So as I close this one, let me just say I don't think this is well written. I think it is choppy and incomplete. I think I touch on grand ideas I should probably expand on. I think I've left things out. That's what I get for starting late after going a week without writing.

"The easy way out"

I was inspired for the title by something a friend wrote in a blog, but I'll get to the real relevance later.

It's been a pretty crazy few days. Monday was . . . largely a blur, aside from going to play volleyball that night, which was a blast. Amber was there. I acted totally awkward. I think I should get an award of some sort.

Yesterday was great. After putzing around during the day (i.e. housework, music-writing and listening, reading, videogames, and 912 Park research), six of us met at church to go to Kairos together. And it was incredible.

The worship was fantastic. They did a number of songs I'd never heard, which can unfortunately throw off your groove, keep you from getting lost. Not last night. I was a goner. Just me and God.

The message was astounding. Mike read from 1 Corinthians 5:12-20 and talked about self worth. He talked about the price God paid for us and what that says about our value. And he placed special emphasis on what that worth means in terms of dating.

I'm glad to say that I've let loose a little lately and have been doing a lot of thinking. And indeed some of it has been about Amber. See I realized I was in a position where discovering what I wanted could actually help. I've gotten a few things that seem to be God telling me to pursue her, including one that was kind of over the top. But I realized yesterday that I need to have different standards. See I'm not sure if pursuing her is what I want, but I think there is actually some value in figuring it out, because it makes a difference as to what standards I use to determine God's will. See, if something lines up with what I want, then it requires more care, meaning more/bigger signs.

Anyhow, to totally put it out there, one of the things that inclines me to say no on the whole Amber thing is I don't feel like we're on equal footing spiritually. She is a believer, and she seems to have a heart that really desires God, but when I talked about successful prayer efforts and hearing God, she expressed it as a desire. Now this is all just my impression, and its not necessarily bad. I admit a part of me would like to play a role in her expanding faith experience. But I don't know what I want, and I don't know what my place is.

But I'm pretty sure that if I don't want to pursue her, I should be, because I've probably got enough weight behind a message from God in that case. And I kind of think that's the way things are. So I started thinking about why I was acting so weird around her. And outwardly I was really just trying to be accommodating. I didn't want her to feel pressure or attached because of the date. But indeed I think I erred on the wrong side. I don't think I properly expressed interest, or even cordiality.

And whether its God or just my own heart, I was just rejecting it all and looking for "the easy way out." To not have to deal with whatever was there. I'm irked by the irony of how often "the easy way" is anything but.

So tonight I was talking to Zane on the phone for a while and he was telling me about this girl he went on a date with, and mentioned she had an older sister, whom I asked about. He immediately asked me about Amber. And I told him, I don't know if I want to try and talk to her more to see if something develops, and partially in consequence, but much more importantly, I don't know what God wants.

But the real interesting thing about all of it is that I'm kind of in a dating mood now. Kind of. Part of me wants to wait until I'm more established. Until I have this completely self sufficient life that would make a more impressive presentation. "Here's my ministry(ies) and here's how God has made me/makes me capable for them." "Here's my job" "Here's my friends and my church" "Here's my relationship with God, and my out of control love for Him. Here's what it looks like when I worship. Stand beside me?"

But part of me wants to date. Likes the idea, likes the newness, the discovery. Too bad my standards are so high. And I have nowhere to meet anyone.

Tonight I was doing dishes (by hand) and I just realized. I'm really happy. I feel collected and appropriately confident. I want a girlfriend. I feel like I'm an offering instead of a taker now. And I'd like to share that. I'd like to have someone to care about at the end of the day, and have her return that.

On Monday night I did a private worship time, which was the first time in a while (stupid, I know). One of the things I read was the story where Jesus is anointed by a sinful woman while eating at a Pharisees house. Then tonight at CAKE Jenn referenced the same story. She also referenced the passage from Matthew where Jesus prays at the Garden of Gethsemane, which Aaron used on Sunday, for a different message. So that's two passages I've showing up twice in the same week.

CAKE tonight was about friendships, and about how to see and care for others. And I'm tempted to say this was just God wanting to get my attention for this listen. But two things strike me about this.

Firstly, it doesn't seem significant enough. I think I can safely say I'm not that far out on this lesson, so putting so much effort into getting my attention for this almost seems a waste. I feel like there's something bigger.

Secondly, I have to admit I'm a little disappointed. When I first noticed the corollaries I was rather amazed. But then I kind of felt let down. I still have all this need and desire in my life. I still have all these things I'd like God to provide clarity/direction/provision on. And He's "wasting" time on teaching me this goofy lesson I don't seem to need that badly. Don't You have better things to do with our time?

At the same time I know about lessons I still need to be learning right now. Discipline when things get better. Absence of fear. Perservernce. Trust.

On the way home from Stephen and Shandi's I was thinking about how I saw people. How I loved them. I realized I could do better, I've wanted to better for a while, but its not that I don't care. Its not that I don't love. Some of it is still having needs of my own, but what plays on that, and is more significant on its own, is that I care about the relationships themselves. I just can't seem to get all wrapped up in my friend's hopes and dreams, but I do want to hear about them, and pray through the hard times together. I want to be in their lives and have them in mine. But for me its more about the relationship itself. Maybe I'm just kidding myself.

One area I know I'm a terrible person is this: the other night Jenna and I were talking. I was telling her everything I could about Heather. About meeting, about getting together, about breaking up. I'm not sure how we got to it, but I told her I knew Heather would flip if she found out I'd gone on a date. And very unfortunately, a part of me wanted her to know, perhaps still does. What matters is the choice right?

The Lord is my shepard. He will take care of me.

"I went to get my masters . . . as a doctor."

What do I say about today? Today was one of the best days of my life. I'm not sure exactly what size pool we are talking about here . . . I just know it is, or was. Whatevs.

My head is swimming. I'm not sure I'm gonna make it through this post. I might just pass out right here. I'm not drunk, but I've felt like it ever since I got in the car with Jenna. Holy crap I forgot how much we laugh together. It was just one thing after another.

And I laughed a lot during group tonight too. Michael and Nick and I sat in a corner together, just making goofy jokes.

And earlier too. I spent time with Stephen and his son this afternoon. He told me some hilarious stories about his boy and we made some pretty good original laughs. During the meeting for 912 Park as well, we were just cutting it up. At one point Stephen beat boxed and I free-style rapped. No lie.

And worship this morning was great.

Okay, so weird little aside. Last night I was praying, and I prayed if God wanted me to "pursue" Amber. You know, just continue to show interest, get to know her, blah blah. And I open my Bible to Psalm 112. Don't really think much of it because it doesn't say anything that seems real clear.

So then this morning we have a special guest speaker at church who preached on receiving the favor of God. And while talking about receiving moving from the battle to receiving blessings, he suddenly opens his Bible to Psalm 112 and reads the first few verses. Uh huh . . . I'll give a minute to pick up your brand new bricks you all just crapped out.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for any amount of time should really pick up on the significance here. After being in a period of fighting for a while, I hear this preacher give this sermon which in part says that God wants to move you from the battle to the blessings, and then uses Scripture God gave me just the night before when I prayed about possibly pursuing Amber. And it ties in with the Ten Minas thing from a few weeks ago and . . .

Okay so along last nights themes, are you ready for this? As soon as I get in the car I'm thinking, "I wish you hadn't told me to pursue her, I have no idea what to do." Yup. I get what I ask for, and then I don't want it.

I am outrageous insanity.

So on the way back I suddenly turn to Jenna and say, "Holy crap, I was supposed to get married yesterday." I'd totally forgotten. I'm not sure when the last time I thought about it was. So then Jenna makes me tell her the whole story, from meeting to break up, because I'd been a terrible friend. And when its over Jenna says she bets Heather contacts me within a year of the break up. Whoever loses treats the other to a night out. I'm gonna be so expensive.

So we talked about it a little more, and I shared some things I didn't know I was feeling, and thoughts I didn't know I'd had. It was good.

So then Jenna and I talked about Amber a little, and we both reached the same conclusion, which was wondering how to show I'm interested, without pressuring her or overstating my attachment. Conundrum.

So as I was driving home, taking some time along the back roads, I was thinking over my day. And I realized how many points today I just felt like me. Really, really me. And I'm not sure how long its been since I've felt it so much. So strongly. But it was wonderful.

so its the night time. And its the right time . . .

I've been writing more in my prayer journal the last few days. Something is coming. Some big blessing. Some woman, some job, some learning point from God. I want to be ready.

"And so it is . . ."

Damien Rice - 'The Blower's Daughter' - I have no idea of the significance, I just can't get it out of my head. I think there's something related, in the feel.

Alright well, I'm going to a bit of how my night went, but really only as a means to a greater purpose.

We went to the drive-in tonight, in celebration of Emily's birthday. A bnuch of people met at Cheddar's for dinner, and then a smaller group headed up to Franklin to catch the movies. Its funny, because last night when we were out, I felt like Amber was diggin me, and then tonight . . . well, it seemed definitely not. Nothing particular to put on it, aside from a general lack of communication, which just contributed to the vibe.

Now I want to make something clear. Yes, I like Amber. I think she is great and I would appreciate the opportunity to pursue her, but the idea is not consuming me. I don't want to make it seem like that's what was on my mind all night.

What is important about it is this: I think I'm insane. And here's why:

When Heather first broke up with me I thought that if I only knew how it'd turn out I'd be fine. So then I THINK I hear God telling me how it'll turn out and then I'm upset because I don't see it turning out that way, or being able to participate. So then God calls me to participate, He says, "fight for her." And then I'm dissatisfied because 1) I don't see any results and 2) I discover I don't want to. And when i feel I don't want to fight for her, I suddenly don't like that thought either and "recommitt" myself. And then I just sort of stop doing it. So then I meet Amber and God tells me to ask her out on a date, so I do. And I was so ready, from the time He told me to do it until early today, to just say, "It was a great night, and she had a great time. If I never speak to her again, that's good enough." And then I get around her again, and all of a sudden I just want to know where I stand. Does she like me? Should I pursue or leave her alone? Where do I draw the line between showing her I'm interested and not pressuring her?

Its such bullcrap. Whenever I get somewhere, I always wish I was somewhere else, and usually its where I was before. "Oh if only I knew the end result, I could handle the steps in between. Oh, well if only I could just not look past the step I'm on right now." Its freaking crazy.

I know everyone does it to some extent. Its the nature of devloping a thoughtlife. Its part of the struggle of following Christ. Its mastering instincts, and emotions, and desires, and putting them to rest to let God and His will be your only reality. But it just feels so . . . I just feel crazy.

Additionally tonight I noticed that I'd been acting rather goofy lately, which I'd say most people who've known me well in my past would more closely associate with the real me. And I didn't like it. And that combined with my awareness and consideration of my feelings about wondering whether or not Amber liked me, led me to that far more quiet, reserved, deadpan place. And when I got there, I didn't like it. I felt like a dud and I felt out of place. Great.

Indeed I felt out of place most of the time tonight. Like I didn't belong. Like every interaction, like being there at all . . . . I don't even know how else to put it.

I seem to recall that a few weeks ago I'd managed to just shut my brain off so I didn't think about this crap. I miss that. But I'm sure if I get there again I'll just wish I wasn't there. Again.

Yeah, my life should be a movie. Jamie's told me that. Sams and Chick have told me that. Joy, Kyle and Dave. Tons of other people, some important, some not. And right now it just seems like a joke. At the same time all of this stuff and wondering about my place with god and what He'll do and where He wants me to go, and I still feel like its just boring. Even while I'm overly dramatic.

I just realized I'm not in a good mood at all. I'm gonna do some very heartful praying, cause I feel like crap. I'm not even entirely aware of why. I mean, I've gone through everything weighing on me right now, and yet I can't say I should feel the way I do.

So its time to remember, its time to hear:

It's easy, Jesus is on the throne.

Craziest day ever? And, oh yeah, Date Night

Yesterday was one of the craziest days of my life. My day began at 6:30 am, after a good 3 or so hours of sleep. Glenn texted me and asked me if Amber and I were going out tonight, which I'd already told him yes, I guess God just wanted me up.



So I decided to go to the gym and spar for a little while. I broke a guy's nose. This joker decided not to wear a helmet because he was 6'2" 205lbs, and I'm 5'9" 160lbs, so he was overconfident. I got a good double in his midsection, causing him to draw towards in pain, leaning in. Just as he did I came in with my right elbow and caught him on the bridge of his nose. Saweet.



Then I drove to Hermitage to go to the bank, closest Wachovia to my house is 30 mins away. Nice. I stop to buy a new pair of pants on the way back and then clean my car out when I get home. Then I rush over to meet Stephen, Shandi, Jamie Lea, and Jenn to go visit 912 Park and look at the facility. You know you're in Westmoreland because our driving directions included "Stop at the Hardees if you need to use the restroom." (The bathrooms in the building aren't ready yet, still, its the idea of it.) We stayed there for quite some time, touring and examining. Talking about issues and possibilities. We laughed a lot and found ways to save money and still get what we want. I'm happy about what's going on there.



So I get back and have to run home to grab stuff I forgot, and while there I get a few phone calls which take up time, and then I'm on my way to meet everyone at a local waterpark. I get there about 30 minutes later than I figured I would and say high to everyone, including a slightly awkward high to Amber. So we line up to do my first attraction of the day, and we're all standing in line talking, except Amber goes and sits at the side of the pool to watch. And then Mike turns to me and says something about "my girl" and going to sit with her, and everyone else joins in on ribbing me. And I realize. She's into this.



See in addition to the anxiety of the last few days, the text message she sent me just said "hanging out" so I didn't know if she was intentionally downplaying the date aspect because she didn't want it to be that or . . . yeah, so. Now I'd hardly call her "my girl" as Mike did. We went on a date. I do like her. What's important is that it wasn't just me being excited, and she was well aware it was a date, and was still going.



So after having a great time at the water park we head back to my house to change. When she walked out . . . she looked absolutely stunning. She's gorgeous. And she looked great in that dress. I was absolutely blown away.



We drove down to West End to eat at Blackstone, which is an upper-midscale resteraunt and micro-brewery. Dinner was great, chatting, flirting, and eating too. Then we drove back dowtown and walked 2nd and Broadway. I took her to Nashville's Big Bang Bar. Big Bang is a dueling piano bar. Two guys play piano and sing, requests, goofy songs. They brought people up from bachlor parties or brithdays and sang some very funny, though vulgar songs. We had a great time.



alright, so those are the technicals . . . but how was it?



I thought it was great. The conversation was easy and enjoyable, and the few short pauses there were felt fine. We flirted. She was playful and fun and good gosh is she funny. She's very witty and keeps up like you wouldn't believe. There were a few nice moments of holding eyes. It was all around just great.



And then when I took her back to Dan and Alissa's she hugged me and told me she had a great time.



So there you have it. No idea what comes next, if anything. But she's a great girl and I had a great time.



I tried to spend some time praying and worshiping last night, but I was so tired I fell asleep very shortly after getting home.



So now we'll see.



God is so good.

Slight look back

Okay, so I should have blogged the night before last, but I didn't. I ended up talking to a few people way late and doing research. Research for what? Well that's part of what made Thursday such a good day.



After a fairly long day, my phone rings at 10 til 7. Its Glenn. I haven't spoken to Glenn in almost 3 months. And I've missed him more than I can say.



I wish Glenn lived here because I can't imagine any guy I'd want in my life more. That I'd want to have asking tough questions and keeping me real.



So we talked for about 20 minutes, because he was going to visit his lady friend. We talked a little about why we hadn't talked, and a lot more about how we were spiritually. And its so weird, because we were both dealing with very similar things, kind of. In terms of how they relate spiritually. One of the things we talked about was everything I shared in the previous few posts about what was going on with Amber. Glenn and I talked for a while longer, he almost has me convinced to come spend a week or so with him on Long Beach, and then we said goodbye.

Almost as soon as I hang the phone up, even before I can set it down, I get a text message. Its Amber telling me that the next night (i.e. last night, Friday) will be best if I still want to go out. I text her back saying heck yes I do, and she sends an excited "Okay!" So . . . she's excited?

Then on Thursday night, I spent about 15 minutes just praying for various people. For Amber and her family. For Brian. For my mom and brother. For Dan and Alissa. For Nick. For Rachel. For Daniel and Dan R. For my extended family. For my friends involed with Young Life. I just made a go of it.

And that's something I need to do more. I'm so bad at praying for others.

Anyhow, I stayed up way too late researching resteraunts and then . . .

Tempted for regret, living for His love

So its 2 am and I'm just eating dinner. I feel like I've only been home to sleep the last few days. Its almost like high school. I ended up leaving for church without eating, and then just kept going places with people, and then, while leaving Christin's house I grabbed some Nerds, which reminded my stomach how angry and empty it was. So hot dogs at 2 am it is.

All I can think right now is how good God has been to me lately. How good He is. The last two days have just been great.

Holy crap . . . I just had an idea, something that . . . if it happened it'd be far off. But its something God could be setting up. It'd be kind of crazy, but I wouldn't be totally opposed. Its reaching way back though, and it'd be pulling some amazing strings. Oh yeah, do you dig the ambiguity?

Its funny, early tonight, a few minutes ago, I was thinking of the tons of stuff I wanted to put into the blog, and now . . . I'm struggling to put anything down. But when I sat down, I really wanted to write. I wanted to do a post. Wanted to. Welcome to the new era.

So some of you may be wondering, what happened with Amber. I'm not gonna tell you . . . suckers.

Okay, fine.

I had trouble sleeping the night before last. I felt like I was awake the whole time. I was kind of excited for the next day and I was more than a little stunned at what God had said, about asking Amber on a date. I got up 30 minutes before my alarm was set to go off, after already going back to sleep twice.

I grabbed some breakfast and went outside to do a quiet time. After doing a little bit of reading and praying I decided to go for an answer. After my edict from the night before I was a little bit curious about the timing, so I prayed, asking God if I should ask her that day. I opened my Bible to Psalms. For certain reasons I'm withholding the specific reference, but rest assured the message was clear. "Yes today you big dummy."

I got over to Alissa and Dan's at 9 and was not surprised to find that they weren't quite ready. So I just chilled, and ended up talking to Amber for about 20 or 30 minutes, which was nice.

We finally get rolling and we lazily make our way down to the Pancake Pantry. The food was great, rivaled only by the company. Dan and Alissa are some of my favorite people. The more time I spend with them, the more I want to be friends with them. They are warm and inviting. They are considerate and giving and loving. They are funny and laugh easily. And Amber was there. She's sweet and engaging. Sometimes it seems she is quiet, but when she speaks there's no hint of self consciousness. She just commands attention. And she's really funny. I'd wager a lot smarter than she lets on. Not intentionally, she just doesn't need to throw it around.

After that we try to get lost on our way over to the Farmer's Market, and after Amber encouraged me take a police officer's gun, we were finally there. We walked around for quite some time, looking at all the fresh fruits and veggies. Looking at the stuff that was just supposed to look fresh. Going through the international market. Smelling herbs. and looking at flowers. There was one moment where I smelled this ripe little plumb. I called Amber over to smell it and held it out for her. Instead of taking it, she just leaned down and sniffed, my hands cupped, holding it right up to her. It was a really picturesque little moment.

But . . . I was so relaxed. There was this crazy juxtaposition of feelings. All day I was aware of what I had to do at some point. And yet . . . I wasn't nervous about impressing her. Heck I wasn't even nervous or striving for creating little moments like that. I wasn't nervous at all. I wasn't trying to get her to like me. Or really to find out a lot more so I could like her. I wasn't really trying to do anything. I was so very . . . relaxed. Honestly it . . . I could say it felt like we were actually dating. Walking around with another couple. And yet not. There was no pressure. I almost didn't feel any different than if I weren't attracted to her and didn't have to ask her out. I can certainly say I wouldn't have acted any different.

Once we got back everyone wanted to lay out by the pool, and Amber invited me to stay, so after a detour back to my house for my trunks, we hung out at the pool for a long time. All along I was planning on going to Kairos. And I was really looking forward to it. And then comes along this line of thinking.

See I took some time to think in the morning. God wanted me to ask her on a date that day, but I had say as to when and how. I just figured I'd recognize an opportune time and take it, but I made a decision that I'd wait, until I was leaving in some capacity. That way if she wasn't into the idea at all, she wouldn't have to be around me after I asked. I'd just leave and it would be fine.

But then she and Alissa convinced me (through not much coaxing) to stay for dinner and a movie. So I did.

After a fairly delightful little evening, where Dan and Alissa slept through most of the movie, we all got up and did late night post movie slugging around, Dan and Alissa working through some house duties. I kept waiting for a moment. Waiting to get some courage up. A separate moment. It didn't come. So eventually I just had to ball my courage up and ask Amber to step outside with me when I left. I said my goodbyes and she followed me out.

I got down to business quickly. "I'd like to take you out on a date while you're here. And I know you've got a lot going on right now with your family, and you're not here long, and you really want to spend time with Alissa, but I was praying last night and I have to do this."

And she said, "Yeah, okay, I'll ask Alissa about it." And so I left.

Now I left honestly feeling a little defeated. And still today I do some. She didn't seem excited at all, which I can't blame her for. And if so it must have been terribly awkward for her. I kind of feel like it was getting let down gently. And I've been tempted to feel bad about it. I've been tempted to regret putting myself out there like so. To wonder how awkward it'll be when she's hanging with my group of friends Friday, and Saturday, and Sunday. But then I remember. I didn't have a choice in the matter. I didn't sit down and decide to ask her out. If it was up to me I'd have never breathed a word. Its not the kind of guy I am. Good women, attractive, engaging Christian women terrify me. I can't ask them out. I can barely speak to them. But I didn't have a choice. So I just keep telling myself that.

So she didn't seem excited, and maybe she'll dodge it and it won't happen. But I have to say, that all that day she seemed to be digging me. There were glances, and moments. And when she'd ask me about things, she seemed interested. So all that made it easier to ask. I guess I just would've expected something from it then. Oh well, it wasn't my choice.

And I didn't think much about it today. I just went about my day. I did a fair amount of work for the Westmoreland project. I tried to figure out which racecar around here I'm going to steal for a night and take to the track. I had a good time with my friends at Cake. And then had a great time with some of them afterwards. And I made one of the best jokes I've had in a long time, perhaps ever. So good that if I ever make a comedy movie, I promise I'm ending it with the joke. And it was situational, so it wouldn't be funny here, but in the movie, it'd be a different joke. And my friends from tonight would laugh hardest, but other people would laugh, never knowing there was a whole other layer.

Anyhow, tonight I met some really cool people, including two people that are fairly big minor names in the entertainment world. And I realized tonight just how much I like this new life I've inherited. How glad I was to meet those people, and even a desire to be more a part of where they were.

But also as I talked to Jamie tonight I had a troubling thought. I'm not sure most of my friends right now are really friends. To me they are important and I want to spend time with them. But I can really only think of two people who have gone out of their way to spend time with me. And I'm not just trowing a pity party. I've been reaching out. It just makes you wonder.

Tonight as I was walking in the house I felt . . . I felt so me. I felt confident, I felt so fulfilled in how I'd spent my time, and what I was doing right that minute, and what I'd do the next few minutes. It was a wonderful feeling.

As I was settling down, something interesting happened. Through a chain of thought I said something bad in my mind about Heather, and then I chastised myself for it. And I had a thought. Getting told to fight, I always knew I wasn't assured where it would lead or what it was for, but maybe this was it. Just to keep myself from bitterness. To keep myself from making my scars worse, from putting up walls.

I'll say it. I'd really, really like to go on this date with Amber. And I will be disappointed when it doesn't happen.

But I can't regret any of it. I just did what God told me to.

I realized tonight, while I was driving the long way home, how true that's been for me lately. I can count my regrets from the past three months on one hand. Because I've been with God, and I've been listening. And all I've done, almost every single thing is just what He said. Just whatever He told me. I've just done it.

And I love living that way. It reminds me of this Disciple song, 'Bring the Heat':

"I don't want speak a word without your anointing [1 John 2:20]
I don't want to take a step without you in front [2 Chronicles 20:17]
I don't want to hear a voice unless it belongs to you [1 John 2:27]
I don 't want to make a choice that you don't want me to [Deuteronomy 30:19]

Bring it to me bring the heat [Matthew 3:11]"

I don't wanna live some other stupid way. I wanna live completely sold out.

SOS

I have more I should probably share, but its late, and I'm mildly interested in sleeping, so all I will say is this.

Last night I was doing some praying and Bible reading after writing the post. And I prayed about asking Amber out on a date. And then I opened my Bible up, upside down. Introduction to Song of Songs. So there you go. What is that?

That makes something like three times I've gotten positive responses.

I like following Christ, because its not complicted. Its rarely easy, but its always simple.

While Broken Hearts Prevail . . . In Shallow Seas We Sail

Intended amalgamation of emery's latest ep and cd, which I think they intended to go together like that. I was just putting it because I like having figured it out, and the music is great, but now that I think on it . . . I believe there is something of a reality in the meaning as well.

So Monday pool parties are becoming a wonderful habit. I don't know why no one thought of them sooner. I'm sold.

This post is mostly to tell of a story I forgot to tell yesterday. On Sunday, at church . . . one of the Bible readings for the service was the Parable of the Talents (also known as the Parable of the Minas, or Parable of the Ten Minas). Everybody should recognize where that has come up before. The only thing . . . I was praying about different stuff the night before. This could be . . . well it could easily be something else, though very similar. Perhaps that would make it an even greater sign. I wrote on my bulletin, "I love ambiguous signs." Perhaps I should be listening more closely. Maybe I already hesitated. Its tough to listen right now. But . . . something is there. I suppose I should probably dig just a little.

I just realized . . . I want people to know me. I want the people I'm around right now, Stephen and Dan and Michael. I want them to know what I'm really like. The way my heart really beats. That when somebody asks about me they can just say, "He loves the Lord with his whole heart, he's tough, he loves well, and he's a certain kind of reliable." Or something like that. Probably less stupid and conceited sounding.

Another last minute thought. Tonight while we were hanging out Daniel brought up Harlequin icthyosis, which is a pretty horrific skin disorder. After a minor spat over the actual origin of ichtyosis (I minored in NT Greek and have worked on two New Testament translations, I think I would know), they started talking about pictures and video of it. And I realized I had absolutely no desire to see it. I just knew it would break my heart. I joked about being tender hearted, but . . . now I'm wondering. See there are certain things I can take, and I'd say I'm pretty solid, but for some reason that gets to me. And there are so many other things I wish I could forget. Its this weird dichotomy: I've been a river guide, done martial arts for years, played hockey in college, and have developed some emotional toughness as well. And maybe its just lately things get to me more, but maybe its certain things I can't handle. And I'm not sure if its good or bad. And I'm not sure what condition of resiliency I'd really say my heart had right now. Its just something I noticed.

Remember this, God is good, and He is in control. My time is coming. My time is close at hand. God brings victory. God is good.

Sometimes good just isn't good enough

I'm feeling a little loopy. Honest to goodness if Kyle weren't at D-Focus I'd totally call him to wake him up.

Crap I have no idea where this is going, I just know I need to get something out.

The last few days have been really great. Although as I think about it, I think its mostly surfacey stuff. I want to see something deeply wonderful happen. Even if its just a deepening of a friendship. I'm still longing.

Now a part of what has been so great the last few days is meeting a girl. Let me say, this is, without a doubt, one of the most attractive women I have ever seen. She is ridiculously gorgeous. I will not lie and say I don't wish something could spark there, but it is highly unlikely. And wouldn't exactly consider it something I'm working towards. As evidenced by the fact I'm not entirely sure I've spoken any words directly to her (slight exaggeration). There are various reasons for this, long and involved, which I could go in to. But not the least of these is that she's Alissa's friend from Michigan. So yeah.

What is especially important about this is the fact that I'm attracted to her at all. Its a wonderful feeling. A very nice step.

At the same time, it makes me aware of something. I wish I was completely oblivious. I wish I didn't have a radar. I wish I found her attractive but had not even the slightest inkling of doing the slightest thing about it. Don't even ask me why. I haven't the faintest clue. I'm just insane.

So anyhow, I'm digging the weekly (if not more often) pool party thing. That is nice.

Church this morning was incredible. I worshiped with complete and total internal abandon. God and I were just all over each other. It was kind of embarrassing really, since I'm not all about public displays.

The Westmoreland project meeting went Great! We got a lot done and had some good discussion, and I think I made a big impression on Phil, which could really be good. Let's keep praying.

I have no sweeping thoughts I want to share. No grand realizations of God or self.

But tonight Brian and I were talking and after sharing one of the best and dumbest laughs I've gotten in a while he said something that brought about a feeling. He was talking about his day, and how good it was, and he mentioned having some really good conversations. And while I can say I've had a few good conversations lately, it has been a very long time since I've had a great one. Something deep and striking and wonderful with a dear or soon to be dear friend. And I want one. In reality its a greater desire for something deeply good to happen, and not just surface, but a conversation like that would be a good tiding for that.

So that's where things are in my world.

God is good. All the time.

The Heat

The title is a whole CD by needtobreathe. And its jam packed with feelings I've still been finding myself dealing with. What a load. On the plus side, the readership keeps growing. People I know are showing up and saying they're participating, and there are strangers too (just by numbers).

So here's a question/riddle: As a celibate, non-drinking, devout Christian, what do you do when you feel completely reckless and self-destructive? I suppose there are many answers, but this Friday night just had one. Find yourself in the familiar situation of risking you life, this time by the also familiar driving a race car at a nothing track for a friend you never talk to. Dare I say, sa-weet.

So I've been thinking a lot lately about mediated representationism. See, my senior year of college I took a class called 'Mediated Consumption and Personal Identity' which was about how personality is formed. We looked at it from lots of angles, anthropological, biological, sociological, etc. I was the only Christian in the class. And something came up every day making me aware of that, and usually putting me in the middle of an argument.

Anyhow, one of the books we read was 'Mediated' by Thomas de Zengotita. It is probably one of the best books about understanding the role of media in shaping the postmodern/postchristendom eras. One of the ideas that stuck out to me the most was his discussion of the rise of cultural method acting. de Zengotita posits that as a result of postmodernity's relativism hand in hand with pervasive media reshaping many facets of human thought, people have come to see truth as being only as real as their ability to act. Let me see if I can explain this better.

Late in the book de Zengotita talks about the end of nature as we know it. The example that still sticks out to me is when he talked about a wolf. He says that now, if you are out in the woods and you see a wolf, it doesn't mesmerize you. It doesn't inspire awe or anything of the sort, its actually quite boring. He says this is because things like National Geographic and Animal Planet and the Discovery Channel have given people a hyper-stylized view of animals. Once you have seen a wolf chase and catch a meal in HD, seeing it laze around doing nothing in real life is dull. Its less real than the real thing.

As applied to people, this means that the outlandish behavior of celebrities, or even the existence of celebritism itself is a product of the the digitized "real" eclipsing the real real. And one of the most damaging aspects of this is in regards to truth. Imagine a talk show like Maury Pauvich or that polygraph show that run on one of the networks a few years ago. People really believe, that if they just deny the paternity test or lie detector results hard enough, that it will be true. And if not absolutely true, at least people will believe them, which is good enough. Put on a big enough act, and you can change the truth, or at least convince people you are right. Nutso.

So why is this relevant? Well, I've been thinking about it, and its my blog. But really, something about things rings true for what has happened with Heather. I think of this lyric by Showbread, "Its easy to hear His voice/ its easy to turn it off/ its easy to make your choice/ its easy to turn yourself off."

I'm also reaching to see where this idea is reflected in my own faith, or in a wider swath of Christianity. Any thoughts?

In other news, I can't quit freaking missing Heather. I feel like I'm moving backwards. Its awful. Even worse, I don't ask God about it. I just don't feel like I'll get much out of Him. I'm still pretty sure He told me to fight. I'm still not seeing anything for it. Although this missing crap puts me kind of back in a place to feel like doing it. I think I just like pretending none of it ever was. I never met her. There is no pain. I don't have anything I'm supposed to be doing. But I'm still pretty sure He told me to fight. And I want so desperately to learn how to die to myself and just follow Him. Just follow Him, and nothing but.

And my urge to date fluctuates. Sometimes I still can't imagine being with anyone, or actually being satisfied with anyone. And then sometimes, I feel like I need to rush right out and meet someone. Which even if I wanted to, where would I go?

The worst part . . . none of its real. The only things that's real is what God says. Everything else is just . . . I don't even know. Its real, its just not reality. So what does God say . . . well . . . I think I remember, but crap.

So I finally dreamed again, Wednesday night. Technically its the first time in a week and a half, but in reality its two and a half weeks, because the last one doesn't count. (the last one, btw, was a dream where I was at a private concert by the Charlie Daniels Band with a bunch of my friends. The wierd part was that the next day I saw a billboard for a concert of theirs. But still, not significant).

So I sometimes pray for God to speak to me in my dreams, because He has done it. So for 6 nights straight I pray for God to speak to me in a dream. On Wed. it looked like this:

"Speak to me Lord. Tell me something, call me somewhere or to something. Let me hear You."

That night I had two dreams.

In the first I was on some sort of large ship living with a bunch of my friends. For some reason I was called to a chamber and I knew that I had to go and fight a battle. It was a weird mix of strategic control imagery and personal brute imagery, but I won, and was a big hero. But as I left no one really knew, and I was okay with it. And that's about all I can remember.

In the second dream I was in a house packing my things to get ready to leave, and I was angry. Heather's mother walked in and began talking to me, trying to convince me I should let go of Heather. I was angry, I was getting ready to leave, but I knew I was right. I knew that . . . well at one point she asks me if I really believe I'm supposed to be with Heather, and fighting back tears I said, "I have no reason to doubt that besides present circumstance. None"

so . . . whatever, I've completely refrained from thinking about these thigns, or dealing with them, or figuring them out. They are just there. I tried to type that they are just coincidences but . . . . I can't say stuff like that. I don't know. And the timing, where I was. What I prayed as I tried to sleep. Whatever.

Then last night another dream. Heater and I were reunited. And whether that idea makes me happy, angry, or apathetic depends on which minute you ask.

What do I want from God right now? I want Him to do something, or have me do something, or put me in place where I don't hate and doubt every thought and feeling. Where its okay to let myself feel, where it means something. Where I do actually feel something. Everything is muted right now.

And God hasn't spoken to me through Scripture in like a week. Or I'm just missing the message. Either way.

So now its late, and I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow.

And for all that . . . I'm in a good mood. And its not just because I won tonight. Let's call it a refleciton of the joy and glory and blessings that are coming. God let them come quick.

I guess that's a blog

I'm not sure where to begin. I have things to say . . . kind of. But just lots of disjointed little half thoughts. Then again, I guess that's a blog. And I guess I now have a beginning to this post.

So the other day I removed my "political views" thing from Facebook. I know it seems small, and its rather telling of how much Facebook has become a part of our lives, but it was big for me. Used to be, back in the day, that I really cared about current events/politics and being informed. From the days of being a way off the deep end crazy liberal high schooler, to going about as far across the board as I could in college.

I guess removing it started a few years ago. I was doing Summer Staff at Lake Champion and was working as the town runner. I think it was the third week, and I took another SS guy to the urgent care clinic in Milford, PA. I was sitting in the lobby waiting and I noticed the tv was on. I hadn't seen tv or the internet in about two weeks so I was passively curious. Its was CNN. And before even 5 minutes had passed I had to get up and walk outside to keep from bursting in to tears. Seeing . . . being so forceably confronted with how infected the world has become after being so close to Heaven just tore me apart. After I got back I avoided intentionally learning any news for months.

My last jont at LC had no such defining moment, but after going without that crap for a month, it was so easy and felt so good to not deal with it. And I would sometimes talk with Heather about doing it, and whether it was spiritually responsible or if I was just burying me head and being uninformed. But I never reached any solid ground. Then recently at Kairos Mike said something that got me thinking about this. He was talking about men he admired, and how they didn't engage in things most people did, but they spent lots of time in the word. And at some point I realized . . . I don't want to concern myself with politics. I want to concern myself with growing spiritually. I want to focus on knowing God and making sure I'm right by Him. I want to focus on my friends, and whatever ministry I'm involved in, and eventually my family. So I'm trying to pull myself out. I'm curious to see how I'll react towards the end of an election cycle. We shall see.

Speaking of Kairos, Tuesday was A-Mazing. Yeah, it had to be written like that. Mike was conspicuously absent, but it didn't matter, because it was a worship night. The band just kept playing. The worship leader did get up at one point (he wasn't playing) and spoke for a while, about worship. Which was essentially a mini-message, and a great one at that. But nothing typical. And I loved it. Just praising God. Just drawing near and feeling Him. So very good.

I noticed something last night though, afterward at PM. I was giving Nick some hassle about having bailed on hanging out with me and I realized I was being a jerk. And it wasn't the first time. On Sunday I was unintentionally rude to Brittany a few times, and very recently I said something very hurtful to a dear friend of mine. So I've apparently lost a good deal of my gentility.

One of the things I've always loved about being tough, about being capable and strong, is that I was also very gentle and tender. But apparently that's gone out the window as of late. And looking back over the times in my life, I can readily say it has something to do with being in a relationship. Sucktastic.

So I think I've been doing something very wrong lately. I just don't feel right. I haven't had a private worship time in I don't know how long. I feel out of sorts. I can't even really explain it, but it was bad and it was pervasive. And so yesterday I was praying about it. I thought about Heather more yesterday than I have in the past month. All day, memories and pictures and all kinds of stupid crap.

I thought about how . . . about how delicate she is. And as a part of that how she really shouldn't be with me. And that's only by thinking about things I've seen as a part of my life. Going to funerals for teens you are sure didn't know Jesus. Seeing a step dad beat a little girl just because her father was black. Finding out a girl is dating an older guy who's trying to get her pregnant so she'll drop out of high school and marry him. And its not over . . . God has a long hard road ahead of me. And she wasn't made for this. Was anyone?

And there we go back and forth again. I want to be in a relationship with my wife. And yet I don't. I want to be completely aloof and oblivious to girls. Welcome to crazy town. Population: 1.

Still I can't really . . . I still think I know what God said . . . so long ago.

I think I was better off when things were harder. I could feel God so often, I was so reliant. Now I feel like I'm alone at the middle of the ocean. No thoughts are real, or even constant. There is no path, no destination. Just drifting.

So last night at Kairos the worship leader led us through a prayer time, with a theme structure (praise, thanksgiving, supplication). So as soon as he said thanksgiving my brain goes, "Thank you God having me meet Heather." I'm not even sure what to say here. Nothing seems to fit.

I haven't heard from God in about a week. I'd like to.

One thing from Kairos . . . between songs Anthony started talking. And he was talking about how he has been having to remind himself lately that his desires and his emotions do not set reality. God sets reality. What God says determines what is true. And nothing else.

I want to feel like I am doing something right.

Consistency isn't really my thing

I originally started this by saying I was tired of giving, but I'm not sure I can say that. I realized for so long I've been in need. Of God and of others and of things. So I felt like I was tired of giving. And really its because I'm still in need. Sometimes I feel like I haven't received. This is not a good feeling.

I wish I wasn't deep and brooding. I wish I thought of little and had many unhad thoughts. I wish I was a wading pool instead of a lake. I wish I didn't want to say things that meant something. I wish there weren't layers. I wish I'd never hear phrases like, "that surprises me" or "I never would have guessed that" or "when I first met you I thought you were . . . ."

Today was pretty good. Church was . . . I'm not sure I can do this. I'm not sure I can play out these thoughts. I'm not sure I have the emotional energy. I want to go to bed. I want to wake up tomorrow and not remember anything of inner turmoil and toughness.

Church was interesting. I felt worship was a little off, which was disspointing because I knew we had new visitors. And I was sad for myself. I wanted so badly to draw near to God today. I've been grinding along on my own for a few days and I was hoping for a reconnect. I was hoping for some poignant words or a sweet call or preparation.

Aaron's message was good, it was on forgiveness as found in the story of Joseph.

I killed sometime and flirted with this cute girl at Kroger for a few minutes before I met with the team over at GodWhy. We threw some ideas around and talked about what had been done and then laid out tasks for this week. At first after the meeting I was a little nervous over something coming of it, which I'd love to see. But now I remember, its just God. God does what He wants. And if He wants to give me a job there (which I'd freaking love), He will. No ifs, no ands, no buts.

After young adults tonight we went to eat at Chilis. I was sitting with (amongst others) Dan and Alissa. And I every once in a while I'd think about Alissa's really good looking friend coming in to town and . . . . Its so stupid to even say anything.

The last few days have given rise to two new partitions of thinking. One is that I enjoy being single. I'd like it better with some other things in place. A job, some more active friendships. But I like not having to tell anyone where I'm going. Or include them. Or ask about anything. I just like doing my own thing.

And yet I don't like it. No one is there to listen when its hard. Or whisper in your ear the things you know but can't remember because things are so hard. Stupid crap like that.

Another thought, far less two-sided or optomistic, is that no one needs to be with me. Call it a combination of who I am, and what I do, and things I know I'll see . . . and I just don't want anyone to go through it. I don't want some woman so entwined in my life. It'll just be hard on her. Heather can say whatever she wants now, but when this all started, that was her real problem. And she's right.

Speaking of her, I happened to think of that letter today, of her saying we just weren't compatible. It must be nice to be able to see so clearly when things get hard. For most people, for me, they get grey. And you forget what you're supposed to know. But not her. Hard times came and suddenly she saw that she'd believed exactly the opposite of what was true. Must be nice.

It must be nice to find such a comfort. To say, "oh, it just wasn't right." And try as hard as I can I don't have the same comfort. I have to sit here and deal with reality. And the only comfort here is that those decisions and that behavior makes itself true. But if someone were asking me if I wanted to be set up with someone, I'd probably give them traits identical to Heather. Without intending to. This is not what I want.

What do I want?

See . . . consistency just isn't my thing.

Tonight during worship I twice had Heather suddenly pop into my mind, once vividly. And I am not a fan of that.

I'm to the point of not wanting to listen. I'll do anything to just get my heart wiped clean. God just give me something else. God move quickly.

As I sit here and right this I realize I don't agonize over these things during the day. Which has a few implications. One is that the blog sounds a little worse than how I really feel. I'm considerably more upbeat than I appear herein. Another is that I don't think I'm really doing much of anything. I've quit fighting. I'm still worshiping and ready to hear God. But I'm not actively doing anything. I don't fight any thoughts. I don't pray for her or a relationship. I do everything I can to let God take me somewhere else.

No crap God, make Amber go ga-ga for me. I could use it. And from what I can tell she's nothing like Heather.

See . . . how many different thoughts on one little narrow sliver of my life.

I am full of crap.

I think I have more to say. I think there are more to all these thoughts. I think I could elaborate and tie them together better. I can remember things I though today and wanted to share with you all. Thoughts about God, and my new friends. But I just want to go to bed and forget everything. Just for a little while.

I think I want to beat someone up in the morning.

Let us always praise the King. He is always good. He is always worthy. He is always with us. Always.