No this is not a post about running.
"Marathons" is the name of a song by a band called Fallin Up, and I've been listening to it a lot lately. There's something in the lyrics. I like to oversell it to myself a little and scream it. But its good stuff.
"Imagine the silence racing the timeless
Holding defences
Suffer the most and surface the motion
Now do you understand
This is the true direction, This is where we set sail
The secret's coming out, No use in your resistance
This the way back home, We are the lost then found"
Today was a crazy day. Sam got up and was off at 8:30. I went back to bed and overslept. When I woke up I laid there for a few minutes, trying to determine how I felt. I wanted to talk to God about it, so I wanted to know what I was talking about first. And really, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the day. "Another day? Why?" Oh, bother.
But I was late, so no writing in the prayer journal, just go go go. Not even time for commas. I talked to God in the shower, just trying to nail things down. Trying to get some release for how I felt, how I always feel.
Show up to church late but make my way to the front with my friends and jump into worship. What an incredible experience. Everything . . . I worshiped Jesus this morning. I just let go. The message was great, Palm Sunday, so content was pretty standard fare, but somehow, it just was better. Then at the end I felt God calling, so I went up and grabbed individual communion elements and kneeled down. I prayed, and listened, and prayed, and prepared, and took communion. Then I just laid there and prayed. Just poured my heart out and praised Him and asked of Him.
After the service I spent just a few minutes hob knobbing with my friends and then jetted for lunch with moms. Holy geez I like barbeque.
Update: It is now actually Monday. I was writing the post last night and realized I didn't want to be doing it. I needed to spend time with God. So I went and tried to do that. I wrote in my prayer journal a little, I cracked the Word a little, and I tried to just lie there and listen. What did I get? I'm still not sure. And what I think I got I'm not sure of. Kind of a mess.
Part of the reason I had to quit writing is because I didn't like what I had to write, and I wasn't sure it was correct. And really I'm still not, but here it goes.
As a result of going out to eat with my mom I was late to meet Nick for disc golf, but he was gracious about it. I had a really great time with him, walking around and throwing. We talked a lot and I just feel good about it. So then I run back home and barely cool off and change before I'm heading to small group.
The first week I showed up 5 minutes early and felt like I sat around forever waiting for everyone to get there. Last week I showed up right on time and everyone was already there. This week I left late, got there about 7 minutes after, and almost everyone showed up at exactly the same time. Go figure.
It is kind of hard to relate the rest of the night. Aaron had been struggling with what to do with us, and then a little before we arrived he turned to some scheduled questions for the other groups in the church. The questions were about hard times in our lives and their relation to God.
Aaron opened with a story, and then Michael shared a little. Then Bonnie shared, saying God had told her earlier that she needed to. 2 1/2 yrs ago Bonnie and her fiancee split up, a week away from their wedding. I was floored. I knew what this meant.
After a few minutes I raised my hand and shared two things. The first was about my father, and the second was about Heather. I had no hope of holding it in. I just started crying in front of these people. Jonathan was sitting next to me. He put his arm around me and leaned over and whispered in my ear. His fiancee had left him about two years ago.
This is me trying to get up off of the floor.
And now I am aware that I am supposed to be here. I don't even know what to say. So things move along, a few people talk to me, a few just talk. Then we split in guys and girls groups and talk a little more and then pray.
During prayer I heard Jonathan praying in tongues. Again I recognized it because it was the same, the same langauge as Dustin and Heather. And again I understood nothing. But how? I am on good terms with God. Should it give me hope that I can only understand when Heather speaks in tongues, because right now its just depressing.
Afterwards Jonathan tells me a little more of what happened, and we stand around and talk. And everyone laughs, and everyone is . . . really confirmed on being a part of this group.
But something strikes me as Jonathan is talking. Something is different. God . . . all along the way, God has told me Heather is the one, even after this happened. So what does this mean. This comfort, these steps of healing. These seem to stand against that.
I find Bonnie and give her a hug and thank her for talking, because I probably wouldn't have been able to if she had not.
We all decide to head over to Steak & Shake to eat and hang out. Again it seems that I cannot escape good memories of Heather. Things that hurt, but not in a way I regret, just in a way of loss for right now. But everything is soaked. All of this is so new.
At some point while we're sitting there at dinner I realize something. This group is where I am supposed to be. But something is still off. I still don't totally fit, I'm still . . . and then I think I figure it out. This is only temporary. How long, I don't know. But I will not be here forever. It will probably not be long, a few months perhaps. That's the only way I can figure it.
As I get in the car to drive home I start kicking back over everything. I can't have been so blind as to have missed what God was saying. Especially not originally, when I was at Lake Champion. I remember on the day I drove up there. Heather had just told me she liked me and wanted to continue getting to know each other with that understanding. I expressed my concerns and then had to leave, waiting to receive her reply in the mail. While I was driving I was talking to God, and He said it, "This will be the last time." And all the other confirmations from God. Even since this happened.
But now tonight . . . . Now meeting these people I've obviously been placed with these people because they understand my pain. But for both of them its ended . . . well with Jonathan with someone else and Bonnie single. I'm so frusterated I can't see straight. Everything inside of me is screaming and racing and I try to yell along with Underoath and I can't. I'm spending so much energy on my thought process that there's none left for anything else.
I get home and I immediately try to seek God. I pray to Him, trying to figure out why I feel pulled in opposite directions, by Him. I open the Word. I pray. I try to just listen. Nothing. So I go to seek counsel. And again, nothing much there. I start to write this post and then . . . well.
"Don't dig up in doubt what you planted in faith." I was too with God to have missed what He was saying about Heather when we first got together. Everything said she was it. That she was to be my wife. And the things He have done since seem to say so as well. Until Sunday night.
How does all this fit together? What does it mean? God can't really be pulling me in different directions. And it seems a giant leap to think I heard Him wrong when I was most with Him, when our relationship was at its best. Discernment is a forte for me.
I don't know how to make sense of this. I don't know how it fits together. I don't know much of anything.
Marathons
Only the Best
I freaking love people. I was definitely reminded of that tonight.
I started trying to write a post. It was about seeing the movie Seven Pounds. I began ruminating on how the best way to love Heather might be to give her up, for her good. I couldn't even type it out. My mind just got flooded. Flooded with the puzzle piece imagery she used to use talking about us. Flooded with the poem that described our first kiss almost perfectly, that she wrote years ago. I coulnd't write it. I really couldn't resign myself to that idea.
What is wrong with me?
Earlier today there was a moment. Sam said or did something, and I realized my inclination was not to react as the real me. I realized I'm still not the real me right now, and I don't know how I get there. Sometimes I'm not even sure I know what that's really like. But I know I've been there. Gladys Wright knows the real me. So does Glenn Snyder. And Jill Potter. And all those people. That's who Heather met. That's who she agreed to marry. I don't know who this is, and I don't know how long he's been here. I am going to kill him.
I've been considering lots of crazy ideas lately. I get on little kicks where I decide I'm just not going to listen to God. "What You want Heather and I together? Too bad, I'm moving to South Korea." Do they have root beer there?
This is my prayer journal entry from the night of July 25, 2008, my first night at Lake Champion this past year:
"You, Father God, are my rock and my redeemer. God, You are my God.
You called, and I listened. I followed, as was my only choice. You have brought me to this place God. As i got closer I realized this was the first time I felt at hom in months. This place God. Thank You.
I am here to do as You please. Move in me as You see fit, and as only You are capable. I am so ready for You God. For You to take me where You want. Nurse me spiritually Father. Cleanse and purify me. Use this time to further my completion. Use this time to prepare me for whatever is next. And show me Lord. Show me where to go and what to do. I have come after You. I have chased You. Deliver me."
By the time I left that place I knew I loved Heather. He told me.
Today I drove Sam around downtown Nashville again, showing him some of the sights. I knew I should show him Centennial and the Parthenon, so we drove out there. I almost started crying a few times. That places is inundated with memories of Heather.
Picking you up after missing each other at the airport. Stopping at Steak & Shake and taking the long way home. Of strolling the the park together. Taking pictures by the pond. Going through the Parthenon and the art gallery. Of siting on the bench and reading our letters. That place where you changed. Sitting in the trolley car staring at each other. Walking around Opryland Hotel. Seeing the wonder on your face. Riding in the car with you the next day. Missing John and Meagan's wedding. Scrambling to make it in time. Getting to sing at the world famous Carter Fold. Proposing to you. Watching you react. Going outside after and seeing you shake with excitement. Everyone that spoke to us and wanted a picture. Driving home with you, worshipping. Getting up and seeing each other the first time the next day. Going to the park and readin more of our letters under the shelter by the lake.
Heather . . . even right now, as hurt and sad as I am. As much as I miss you, as painful as all this is . . . that was the best weekend of my life. I can't help but smile as I recall it all. I've never in all my life had a better time. And its because I was with you.
