I think I have to move.
I'm not sure where. I'm even less sure of how. I just think this might be the case.
Yesterday didn't go quite as expected . . . which was a high estimate of improving somewhat, and a low estimate of at least not getting worse. Well . . . you can always dream big right?
And now I'm sitting here forcing myself to pound this stuff out, as a last resort means of not completely retreating. Excellent.
Maybe I'll move to Long Island with Glenn.
And . . .
Two days have passed since the last post and my thoughtlife situation has grown increasingly disquieting. Rather than decreasing, my thoughts of Heather have been increasing. Indeed today I felt sexual desire. For her. After not seeing or speaking to her for 4 months. Where does that come from. Despite constant prayers to have her removed from my heart and thoughts. Nothing. Finally exasperated I took a rather abrupt change in tactics. So I started praying for us to be reunited. And then the thoughts abated. I suppose I would find that frustrating but I really don't care. I was just glad to be rid of her. To be rid of those memories. If I knew exactly where to "accidentally" knock my head with the right amount of force to purge myself of all that, I would.
Alas what was holding me back before was the spiritual insights I gained from the whole exercise, but now those are increasingly difficult to hand onto.
On the subject of more good news, I'll have to start with a precursor. After things ended with Heather I, of course, did some self evaluation. One of the things I considered was the fact I felt I'd become soft, though to what extent exactly I'm not sure. Certainly it was not her fault, and I think there were a multitude of factors, but it was such. The way I took to describing this was that I had, "lost my teeth", a phrase tying in my fascination with lion imagery and association.
So last night I had a dream. I can't remember the surround details, some sort of trip, with people I knew, nice but old surroundings. And then my teeth fell out. I looked down and saw them, discolored, with the insides looking like pieces of cardboard. I tried shoving some of them back in, and for that effort I experienced a new sensation. Pain, in a dream. Pain so real it made me sure I was not experiencing a dream. I looked down and saw the blood running out of my mouth into my my hand, touched my gum and felt the stinging pain. Never before.
And I've made another decision I'm sure I'll stick with until I get a conflicting urge. Suddenly I'm steadfastly sure I just want to live the rest of my life alone. It is mostly this quiet feeling at the pit of my stomach and in my heart that when I ever I consider a female I compare her to Heather and find her lacking. So the idea is just to gird up now. Settling would just be idiotic. As would doing essentially anything but nothing in that area.
On the upside this is pushing for a kind of honesty with God. There are no niceties in our conversation right now. I'm barely holding onto the precepts that maintain faith in these dark times, but our interactions are . . . one sided and reeking of desperation.
But such is the nature . . . if you hold on, and trust, and pray, eventually He comes through.
Right?
Two days have passed since the last post and my thoughtlife situation has grown increasingly disquieting. Rather than decreasing, my thoughts of Heather have been increasing. Indeed today I felt sexual desire. For her. After not seeing or speaking to her for 4 months. Where does that come from. Despite constant prayers to have her removed from my heart and thoughts. Nothing. Finally exasperated I took a rather abrupt change in tactics. So I started praying for us to be reunited. And then the thoughts abated. I suppose I would find that frustrating but I really don't care. I was just glad to be rid of her. To be rid of those memories. If I knew exactly where to "accidentally" knock my head with the right amount of force to purge myself of all that, I would.
Alas what was holding me back before was the spiritual insights I gained from the whole exercise, but now those are increasingly difficult to hand onto.
On the subject of more good news, I'll have to start with a precursor. After things ended with Heather I, of course, did some self evaluation. One of the things I considered was the fact I felt I'd become soft, though to what extent exactly I'm not sure. Certainly it was not her fault, and I think there were a multitude of factors, but it was such. The way I took to describing this was that I had, "lost my teeth", a phrase tying in my fascination with lion imagery and association.
So last night I had a dream. I can't remember the surround details, some sort of trip, with people I knew, nice but old surroundings. And then my teeth fell out. I looked down and saw them, discolored, with the insides looking like pieces of cardboard. I tried shoving some of them back in, and for that effort I experienced a new sensation. Pain, in a dream. Pain so real it made me sure I was not experiencing a dream. I looked down and saw the blood running out of my mouth into my my hand, touched my gum and felt the stinging pain. Never before.
And I've made another decision I'm sure I'll stick with until I get a conflicting urge. Suddenly I'm steadfastly sure I just want to live the rest of my life alone. It is mostly this quiet feeling at the pit of my stomach and in my heart that when I ever I consider a female I compare her to Heather and find her lacking. So the idea is just to gird up now. Settling would just be idiotic. As would doing essentially anything but nothing in that area.
On the upside this is pushing for a kind of honesty with God. There are no niceties in our conversation right now. I'm barely holding onto the precepts that maintain faith in these dark times, but our interactions are . . . one sided and reeking of desperation.
But such is the nature . . . if you hold on, and trust, and pray, eventually He comes through.
Right?
