Excuse me sir, I think you dropped your blog

Due to a new blog reader I went back and started reading some of the older stuff, skimming March and April. And two thoughts have sprung to mind.

1) I feel kind of pathetic. Going back and reading all the little comments about devotion to Heather and loving her and everything. I don't feel that crap, and it sucks to go back and read it and want to call myself names and feel stupid. To feel embarassed for ever having wanted to marry her. And yet . . . I know its not up to me. I am not in control. If I get told to do, I do.

2) I feel like somebody else wrote it all. I go back and read it and . . . it seems well written. It seems intelligent and inciteful, it seems really spiritual and well devloped, it seems funny and dramatic and honest and gripping. And I feel like someone else wrote it. I don't write like that. I don't feel like that's what I've written at the end of a post.

So you love me . . . big freaking deal.

I had this line I was going to use from an Underoath song, but then I found out the line wasn't quite what it sounds like, which is okay because I realized I didn't even want to express that sentiment. Sha-da!!

Yesterday was a killer day. I woke up relatively early, after going to bed relatively late, and yet felt relatively good, so it was all rather exciting.

I went over to spar for a little bit. I'm still not in fighting shape, I'm off of where I should be, but I felt good, and I had a spotter who said I looked good. Arms were really fast blah blah. But my legs felt slow. Especially my right leg, I felt like I couldn't get it anywhere, especially if I was trying for a knee.

Then I got home and cut down another tree (oh heck yes), and then started doing some work on other stuff, mostly the out of control bushes that surround the house.

When I got out of the shower I went to call Dan and realized my arm was shaking. I'd done so much in the last few days that I was that burnt out. Nice.

Dan and I met up for coffee (actually tea for both of us) and spent about an hour and half just chilling, which was great. I was a little nervous going in, kind of worried about forcing the relationship instead of letting it grow more oganically, but I just really need that guy. I need a guy my age that I can go deep with and who can be in my life. Anyhow, the time was great and it flowed really easily. It turns out he and I have a lot of similarities, and yet plenty enough differences. Its weird because the similarities are different than I've ever had with any good friend, and the differences are more and are varied from what I've had in the past. What a convoluted little phrase there. Nasty writing. Awful.

I came home and tried to work on this new song that is going absolutely nowhere and then headed to Kairos with Rachel and Bonnie, (Nick was caught up with work).

Kairos was . . . Kairos. The worship was incredible and I just jammed my heart up to God, and it was unidivided. I was a smitten and faithful lover.

Mike's message was great, and was filled with the usual bevy of great and poignant quotes. It held particular sway for Rachel because it dealt with Heaven and what it will be like, and we'd been talking about that on the way down. Just good stuff.

So the crazy part for me?! In the middle of his message Mike started talking about having a place, and God's love for us. How there is never a time He has not, does not, and will not love us. He talked about how excited God will be to see us and how much worth we have in His eyes. Which was crazy because I'd been thinking about that just the night before. Then it gets crazier, because tonight at CAKE, the theme was "So what are you worth?" Talking about how the world and our families shape our image and how God sees us. Yeah. Crazy. So God is telling me He loves me.

Tonight I was talking with Zane about this whole, urge to date vs. the message of the fight. And then I was reading over the notes from Kairos and I have to quotes where Mike says "Revelation is written to people who feel like giving up." So what's the odds its a coincidence that's what he was teaching on when I started going there? Anyone? Then he said something about staying strong. That just frusterates me. I finally learned the name of the girl from GodWhy. Apparently she helps with their youth program and came in to retreive golf clubs and she was wearing a name badge, which was helpful. And . . . I'm frusterated. I know what I've been told. I don't know what I want. It doesn't even matter. I have to die to that. Even so last night I started praying. I started asking God if I could take interest in Alissa's friend, Amber, that is coming to visit, asking about all these different avenues. I didn't get anything. And even, even if I knew where to go, or if I could, I have these other thoughts. This GodWhy girl, would I like her at all if I spoke to her? How would I proceed, I'm at a weird stage in terms of approaching females. I'm pretty sure I'd be on about a 7 year approach at this rate. Might as well be working for Laban. But still . . . . I'm just not even sure of what to say here.

There was this great moment after Kairos. All three of us just sat there. I just . . . I didn't even have any specific thoughts, I just didn't want to leave God's presence.

So you know from the last post I went to spend time with God last night. What'd I hear?

"You will be before me." - Interesting, doesn't it usually go the other way?

"Come" Alright . . . where? "I will show you. You must be ready."

"I am the Lord of Lords."

Why am I always looking for more when God speaks to me right now?

I play this game sometimes with my Facebook status. I put up quotes from lyrics or movies, and there's always something to be found. Sometimes its just to see if anyone knows where its from. Sometimes its because I feel the next line, or the overall message of the song, and I like subtle clues. I've never told anyone about it, and yet I've had people figure it out and play. Fairly impressive.

God loves you. A lot. Don't ever forget it. And if you ever need reminded, just ask me.