More and more and more

So the last post was mostly about what happened, and it was getting long, so I wanted to do something more about where I am:

I am . . . good. God is still making promises that look way too big from where I stand. Promises that look too hard. But as I sit here I realize how much I have turned all this over to Him. Maybe I'm reading everything He's telling me wrong. But I don't think I care. I know He will take care of it either way. (I'm thinking of writing a post about these promises if anyone is interested, I can say that now that I know people are reading this.)

This morning I was incredibly restless. I felt like my insides were going to crawl out of my skin. Nothing could settle. Nothing sounded like it could satisfy. I grabbed my prayer journal and quickly jotted:

Restlessness . . . I feel like I recognize it. Are You trying to speak to me? What are You saying? Reveal Yourself.

I lied down prostrate on the floor and lost track of time trying to listen. Its so hard to push ourselves out. To clear our minds and really just try to hear God speak. Not through Scripture, as He so often does for me. But really just . . . the voice. The knowledge.

My head swirls, every thought is a possibility. I try to test everything, to double check everything. I realize I'm just trying to keep my head busy. Finally it starts to clear. I feel like I'm drifting. Everything starts to feel and sound far away. I listen.

"Be ready"

For what?

"What is coming. I have told you."

How do I prepare?

"Obey. Seek"

How long?

"One week"

So there it is. God lays it out and tells me the what. I'm still not sure I totally get it. I kept asking for more about what I was to do. And He just kept saying "be ready". Oh well, I have a week right? But I don't know what that means either. I guess we'll see.

Other important thoughts. I was talking to Katie Hackett tonight, who is most assuredly one of my favorite people on the planet. If you don't know her I'd be glad to put you in touch. So I share two things with her I've been ruminating over about this whole mess. Spiritual things.

One is a little personal. About two years ago Heather was blessed with the spiritual gift of speaking in tongues. She'd probably kill me if she knew I was saying this. She's very private about it and gave flesh and bone to an idea of spirituality I only agreed with in theory previously. So oddity of oddities Heather starts praying like this in front of me, and I can understand her. Not every time, not perfectly, but still . . . its . . . its nothing I can even begin to describe.

Second is when Heather and I started dating, something else crazy and Godly happened. I've never been much of a dreamer, normally I just pass an uninterrupted night. But then sometime this fall . . . I don't know how long exactly but now I only dream in prophecy. Everything I dream comes to pass. And I dream more often. For-instance: I had at least 3 separate dreams of this same type, starting in January with the last one in late February. In the dream I find myself in a strange place and I'm with Heather and things are good. We are on a trip of some kind, an adventure. Then the dream changes, and the trip takes on a negative tone, something bad comes up. Shortly after this, Heather leaves while I am talking to her. I can't understand why she is angry, and I can't find her, and I know if I do it won't do any good. It feels hopeless. Then in the dream I find myself in another strange place, with lots of people from my past. Girls I almost dated, people I haven't spoken to in years. And then I leave that place and the dream ends. You can imagine my surprise when these events came to pass.

That is what actually made me take notice of the newly developed nature of my dreams. There are other instances as well. An almost word for word encounter with an ex-girlfriend from high school. I had a dream where a particular person was angry at me and the next day I received a nasty and self righteous letter from them.

So when I tell Katie these things, she immediately responds, "Zach, give this woman your whole heart." Well needless to say I'm all for that. But I don't know exactly how to do that in my present situation. I don't know what it means from here or how I enact it. What's really important though, is what Katie recognized. Without knowing almost anything else about the situation, Katie hears of these things and recognizes God. Recognizes His blessings and His touch, and she encourages me, in the midst of being broken hearted, to devote myself wholly and complete to Heather. Okay, you've convinced me . . . now what?

Its still up and down. Sometimes it feels like every single minute is a struggle, but . . . .
I was talking to my friend Sarah, and I told her I believed God was not done with Heather and I, that there is more to our story. That what was promised is still planned, and Sarah says the most incredible thing. "Then why are you upset?"

I'm still working that out. For now . . . I know God is with me. But soon . . . He's going to have to do something soon. It's been so long.

Wowzers

Haha. woo.

All day I've been telling myself I was going to post on the blog tonight. And now its late, 1:30, and I have so much I want to say, I can think of at least 4 posts. I just spent about an hour on the phone with Zane, who is in California right now. I kind of feel . . . weird, light headed and a little loopy. At one point we both took turns calling Kyle until he answered, 2 o'clock his time. I finally got a hold of him, and when he answered I had no idea what to say. I started laughing and hung up. I called Zane back and we laughed for a good 5 minutes. Oh non-alcoholic drunk dialing . . . you and I are friends now. BFFAE!!!

Yesterday (Sunday) was a good day. It started earlier in the week, when my mom started making fun of this church. The church is called "The Church at Indian Lake" which my mom thought was a poor name for a church. I pointed out it was no different than something like Portland Industrial Plumbing, and as such was good, it says what they do and where they are. So when I'm making up my mind about where to go to church on Sunday my mind comes back to that conversation. After talking with Sam I'd made up my mind I was going to try a smaller church in hopes of meeting more people. I looked up CIL online and was intrigued by how well the sermon topic seemed to fit my situation and feelings.

So Sunday morning I throw on a nice t-shirt and jeans and head to church. At first I think I may have woefully misjudged the atmosphere of the church and I second guess going. Everyone I see in the parking lot has dress clothes on. It's odd how quickly my plain shirt made me self conscious, it had a nice bird pattern on it, but I felt like it might as well have been a "Hexed Clothing" t-shirt for how I felt.

As I walked inside I realized it was mostly a fluke, but more importantly, no one really cared. So the service kicked along. Sang "Our God is a God who saves" for the second time in as many days. Less really, did it just the night before. Coincidence? I am starting to believe in those less and less, at least when it comes to God.

By and large the service was . . . nothing spectacular. It was good mind you. But I just never felt floored. Never felt really engaged in the music. The message was good, but even as it spoke to my head, I couldn't feel it resonate. Honestly it may have just been me. Where I was. But . . .

Even so a few amazing things happened. First, I met a few people, and they introduced themselves to me imagine that. I sat next to this nice guy right around my age named Joseph and his female companion (wife, girlfriend). They've been about 3 times. At least 3 other people took note to come get my name and remember it. Considering how many places I've been recently, and this is the first time that happened. I'm impressed. I'm already planning on coming back.

At the end of the service there were people up front offering to pray for people. I tried to fight it, but I could feel the Holy Spirit practically dragging me up there. So I hook up with Dave, the tall ginger of a student ministries director. I tell him what I need prayer for and he just goes to town. I can feel it coming. God is listening.

After the service I happen to meet the pastor and he tells me to see his wife about the church's young adult group, that happens to meet on Sunday nights, convenient coincidence. I leave and putz around. Run errands, do work around the house, clean my room up a little and think of finishing painting it.

At 5:25 I'm over at the Allison's, surprisingly calm, just ready. I sit with Aaron for a few minutes and tell him a little of my story. Then people start arriving. And people I like. And people who are outgoing. And people who are excited to see me and to bring me in. None of the exclusion that can often come with Christian small groups. The discussion itself was great, and gave me a few stories I'll be writing about in a future post.

Afterward we went over to Drake's Creek to play softball in the dark. For a good 2 hours. I had a great night.

One interesting part was again being around attractive females. This time far more welcoming and engaging. There was one in particular that caught my attention. Very cute, dark hair, warm, nice, fit, open yet not over the top, and seemed to be almost asking me to flirt. But really . . . I couldn't have cared less. As of yet I want no one else. In fact every woman I meet makes me desire Heather more. Its as though their positive qualities magnify her own. Which would be great if she hadn't convinced herself she hates me because I'm a monster. Is this another coincidence?

The best of it, there are guys I really think I can get on with. I still don't know how long this will last, God keeps me in the dark on some things but . . . there is hope. There is promise. There is deliverance.