"Cut this noise and cut through me"

Well . . . what can I say?

If any of you are interested in meeting attractive young ladies, you should probably piggy back with me down to Kairos on Tuesday nights. Apparently I'm some sort of magnet, whose properties are ill-devised and ultimately self destructive. Tonight I ended up sitting next to two attractive ethnic girls, let's go with latino. Got chatting there and with the striking blonde sitting behind me. Its like clockwork. Just as not asking them out was.

On the way home I stopped at Fido to grab a London Fog, my second of the day, and do some work. After I annoyed some pretentious 20-somethings bemoaning the ills of consumerism, by pulling out both cell phones and alternating texting on them, I sat at the window bar next to two very attractive blondes chatting. (btw, I do not have an affinity for blondes. I actually prefer brunettes. Its just that I seem to encounter blondes). Anywho, as I'm sitting there I actually over hear the one girl consoling the other about how eventually she'll meet a worthwhile guy. Girl being consoled bemoans her situation and talks about how badly she wants to date. And they mentioned the Bible and the necessary associated blah blah. And I did nothing.

Now to defend myself in the first case let me say this. Today I was called, or told I could be, intimidating 5 times. The last was by the attractive young lady I ended up sitting next to at Kairos. That was nearly the first thing she said to me. "Hey, I'd have said hi before, but I was intimidated." Well at least your honesty is fairly uncommon.

Closely related is the fact that I've cussed more tonight than I think ever previously since coming to Christ. None of it externally, all of it in my head, but nonetheless. The reasons . . . well . . . lets back up some.

After last night I was pretty much guaranteed to hit the gym this morning. So I did. It was surprisingly crowded so I got my first chance to do some multiple opponent work in quite a while. I still hold a pretty absurd record, but today it was tougher than it should have been. My conclusions is that I'm grossly out of shape, and have lost a considerable amount of the muscle mass I used to have. So there's one task on the to-do list. I call it, "get in shape, to take on 8".

The late morning was composed of some light reading, a delicious nap, and making fun of my dog. I met Jenn at Starbucks for a meeting at 1. We talked a little about 912 Park, and then spent nearly an hour and a half just kicking around theology and ministry operationals. And I love conversations like that. So not too long before Jenn splits a girl I met Sunday night at the cookout named Elizabeth shows up. Jenn has to run and pick up her kids and Elizabeth is waiting on someone else, so I stay and we chat it up for a while. The summary is that I spent 4 hrs and 15 minutes sitting at Starbucks chattin today, and loved it. I was almost late getting to Kairos.

My conversation with Jenn about work was fairly productive, but it leaves me with some tough things to do and feeling a little uncertain. There's been a little turmoil lately and there's a considerable amount of stress. But I trust God, so its just nuts and bolts type stuff, nothing ultimately taxing.

So then I get to Kairos and have my run-ins with the surrounding bachlorettes. Worship kicks off and was astounding, almost. See, the mechanics were there. And even inside I could feel the pull. But it was like I wasn't fully let go. Wasn't fully invested in it. Even as I felt the beauty of heartfelt communion, I knew I could have so much more. And I wanted it. It was just . . . as though there was this barrier of which I was only vaguely aware.

Mike's message was as spot-on as they get. And despite the warnings of mature content, I was amazed by the extent to which that was absent. Not in a bad way at all, simply that he so adeptly focused on the true focus, the nature of the relationship and the reality of how sex both effects and is effected by it. So much so that I'm can't remember hearing the word sex in the second half of the sermon.

Unfortunately the nature of the discussion lent itself to talking about oneness and marriage all that . . . pleasant stuff. So as Mike is droaning on about meeting Jeanie (his wife) and knowing she was the one, and saying all these things about the what goes along with the relationship of God's intended one. And the whole time . . . I can just feel it. This thing I don't want to say even now. This thing that I won't even call saying it admiting it because I don't want to lend it legitimacy. I want to hedge my bets for when it turns out wrong. But everyone knows what it is. From the similarity of the seeming impossibility of Mike and Jeanie meeting, to the identifications of their feelings, and so on and so on. Whenever I've heard those things before it was always with longing. And now . . . now its been 5 months and I feel like I have to say I've been there. I feel like I know how it felt before, I feel like . . . like nothing I can even explain.

Then we enter a prayer time, and Mike leads through some different thoughts he wants people to focus on. And the whole time I just can't shake this idea. Every time I try to push back and focus on God all I think about is her. And how I felt with her. And all these things Mike talked about. And I try to imagine them with someone else.

At the end the worship leader (Michael Boggs of FFH) played these two songs and then invited people to keep the hall quiet and sacred for prayer and journaling, something that happens not every time, but with regularity at Kairos. As happens every night, there are also staff and lay ministers at the front of the hall to talk and pray with people about their response to the message. I've never really felt even an inkling to go up there and talk, but tonight it was like I couldn't help myself.

I grabbed this older (63) guy named Ray and gave him as breif a run down as I could. Was engaged. Ended. Dealing with the feelings. So close to thinking God is saying its not over. Well he asks me some questions, some very good, very cursory questions about how things happened and how long this and that. Then he launches into this few minute pep-speach on the supremecy of God's purpose and working in our lives.

"No, you don't under stand," I say. "Its just . . ."

"You wish it hadn't happened?" he says.

"No, that's not it. I'm thankful, I wouldn't change what has passed. I can give you a full list of all the good that has come from it." Which I proceeded to do. "I just have this nagging feeling that God doesn't want me to give up yet. That there is still a fight."

"How long ago did you break up?"

"Five months."

I stared for a few seconds while this man of God, active staff minister of a thriving church, former missionary in Brazil for 27 years just looked at me speechless.

He went on to tell me a few more things, like how he didn't think he was necessarily the best person to talk to about all this, and it seemed like I'd done and was doing everything right. And then something potentially unbelievable happened. He told me that he often liked to use prayers of Paul to pray for people.

And then he recited Ephesians 3:16-19 for me as a prayer.

As if that wasn't enough he started talking to me about the virtues of a good wife. He said, "yeah, you could go get a wife anywhere. Just go pick on up, ya know. But what you're really looking for here, is a helpmate. A life giver. Do you know the Hebrew word, ezar?"

Why yes, Ray, I believe I'm familiar with the word.

Ray asked me how I felt about her. I paused and thought, always wanting to be honest. And responded.

"Ray, I've been on dates since we split. I've tried picturing myself with other girls. In the abstract, with girls I know or see or am around. I look at qualities and even just looks and all these things. No one even comes close. I can't imagine being with someone else."

And that, my friends, is a rotten answer.

Ultimately, talking to Ray was not some great big help. He didn't have a whole lot to say that helped me, and in the end it was kind of frusterating. In his defense, however, I don't think Ray is used to dealing with people where I am. One of the clases he leads at the church is on the basics of the Christian life. Like . . . what is prayer. So I think I was a little beyond what he's used to dealing with. On the upside he was an extremely nice guy, and he prayed for me, and bought me a book at the bookstore. While it doesn't having anything even remotely to do with what I talked to him about, it was still very nice of him and I'm excited about reading it.

So on the way home I was undoubtedly wrestling with everything. Trying to arrange thoughts and frame them against my knowledge of God and His history of voice to me. I've realized a few things. Jenn told me earlier that I need to get over my pride because theirs essentially zero risk, including spiritually in just doing something like writing her a letter or an email. It still almost universally true that I can't find a single disagreeable thing about her. Even her faults are symptoms of good things about her. Ultimatley my only complaint is there at that one time she answered "no" in the essential question. Creating a dissonance between what she'd said and lived by, and what she chose. But that's not much to go on.

Of course neither is doing anything about it.

And by the time I got home my urge to go elsewhere, to date someone else, was stronger than I care to admit.

Here at the end of this post, I can say with all humility I think in literary terms this is a good post. One of the best. But in the end it is hugely frusterating. I cannot overstate how much I wish I wasn't writing about this. How I wish you all came here and didn't get the same things over and over again. How I wish I could write about other things I want to. How much more important those other things are.

And even as I say it I'm left with that little nagging question.

Are they really?