So full its empty.

Why do I feel the way I do right now?


Great freaking question.

I had a terrific day. I made progress on some stuff. I talked to a number of people. I spent time with God. I did some stuff for my mom which she really appreciated. And God moved in some amazing ways. I can't figure it out.


I felt the same way this morning as I have the last 3 or 4 mornings, which was waking up with what felt like a factual assurance of Heather contacting me to reconcile (not that day, but as an eventuality). Its tough to describe any differently. But just like everything else having to do with that I've been pushing it out of my mind.


So then some stuff happens and I find myself living under a cloud. My mind is pushed towards sinful thoughts. My heart is kind of ugly. So I decide to live out of it. I cleaned the kitchen for my mom and emailed some people I needed to get in touch with. And God turns around and blesses me. I get an email from Joy that has some great stuff in it. Some just catching up, and some stuff speaking to my heart. I mean right to it. Speaking to exactly where I had been. Feeling kind of sinful and tempted. And Joy sends me this quote from the Gospel Primer:


"I should expect everyday to encounter circumstantial evidence of God's commitment to my dying. And I must seize upon every God given opportunity to be conformed more fully to Christ's death no matter the pain involved.

When my flesh yearns for some prohibited thing, I must die. When called to do something I don't want to do, I must die. When I wish to be selfish and serve no one, I must die. When shattered by hardships that I despise, I must die. When wanting to cling to wrongs done to me, I must die. When enticed by allurements of the world, I must die. When wishing to keep besetting sins secret, I must die. When wants that are borderline needs are unmet, I must die. When dreams that are unmet seem shoved aside, I must die."



So . . . yeah. I can't begin to say how thankful I was. And a little surprised. Getting things at moments of struggle. God just keeps doing stuff.


Nick and Rachel and I went back down to Kairos tonight. They were doing a reversed service tonight, because of the subject matter. Which I found extremely interesting. Mostly because God told me what it was going to be. I went with my brother earlier to run a few errands and while we were driving I could feel God speaking in me. He told me that Mike's talk that night would be about sin. And about coming out from under it.

So I don't think much of it until we get off the interstate, at which point I come back to it and dismiss it as just where my thoughts had been. Pretty much the mintue we sit down Mike starts in. And it quickly becomes apparent that nothing in my life right now is happenstance. Everything is connected. Everything is God working. Everything is crazy. Everything is calm.

The first . . . the very first thing Mike does is talk about "little guy," who is heading down the road of destruction, missing all the stop signs. Really?

The readings are from Revelation 8 & 9, which I was actually reading just a few nights ago. I know, but I'm not even phased anymore. So Mike talks about how Jesus unleashes all theses horrific things upon the earth, and how at every place He gives people time and opportunity to repent. And they don't. By this time everyone has made their choice. But our choices are now. Our roads are now. And the time for repentence is at hand.

So you may have picked up on it, but when I noticed that Mike was talking on exactly what I knew he would, I wasn't amazed. I didn't feel anything. Which is kind of crummy, because I should have. And I'm not sure I get it. I mean, when it was over, during the quiet prayer time I thought of all those things that need to die. Of all those sins I need to give up. I thought of how neatly the package was delivered to me, and how important it was. Of how I should be awestruck and feel my heart ripped at for repentence. And I just didn't.

Its not all bad. When we started singing I did kind of get a handle on what I was feeling. It was grace. I just felt . . . God saying that it was okay. That if I just said it, He'd deal with it and everything would be fine. And I believe it.

What's crazy is what I don't believe. While I was sitting there talking and listening to God during prayer time He spoke to me. In a combination of an image and some thoughts. He pretty much said, hey, Heather is going to contact you, here's how you're going to feel, here's how you're going to act. To make matters worse, when I get home I come awash in the idea that Heather would be contacting me soon, like perhaps tomorrow. And there's stuff that ties into my prayer and reading time after I got home.

I get home from Kairos and I pray a little and then go to open the Word to hear from big daddy G. Where do I open to? Jeremiah 32:26-33. So I start reading, without realizing where I am, until I see the next section heading. Its Jeremiah 33, "the promise of restoration". Really?

See, the night before I met Heather I was praying to God and then I opened my Bible to Jeremiah 33. The promise of restoration.

And then, when I'm praying to God about the idea of pursuing Heather, while at Lake Champion, among other verses, again, Jeremiah 33.

And the day after she broke up with me, when I went to do a reading. Jeremiah 33.

And I just remembered that often when I write in my prayer journal about this I speak of God "restoring" my "inheritance" as He called it. Crap. I want to curse and I'm not ever sure why. Am I angry? Am I rebellious? Am I amazed? Am I anything?


So I ignore it, like I'm doing with everything regarding her right now, and I go to read something else. I'm flipping through pages when God says "stop." So I do and I'm reading Luke 8. Which is funny because the other night when I was asking God about the idea of this service He lead me to the same place. So I read on a little bit. And next is the story where Jesus calms the storm. And shortly into 9 is where Jesus tells the disciples anyone who wants to follow Him has to deny themselves and daily take up their cross. And next is the transfiguration, which Emily and I were talking about yesterday. And then is where Jesus heals the boy, where in the Mark parallel the father asks to have his unbelief overcome. Is anybody seeing it yet? EVERYTHING in my life is tying together.

And as I wrote that, I was noticing just how much of everything that ties together in one place. And the craziest part. On the way home tonight I was going back over things and I was wondering why I was so out of sorts when we were in the car and hanging out at Fido. And I heard God say it. "I'm preparing you." Which is something Emily talked about with me yesterday. So . . . everything.

Another piece of what came from tonight was something Mike said, about taking responsibility. And I do. Heather said some things and attributed some things to me that are not true. And handled things in a way I find to be not the best. But ultimately what happened is my fault. I led the choices that put me in a vulnerable place spiritually. And that, really, is where things came from. Everything else is just consequence.

But it can't just be forgotten, because now it has become something real, so God still has to deal with it. And right now I still feel helpless.

Sometimes I think of doing something that ensures Heather and I can't get back together. And I wondered at why. Its because I want control over my situation. But really all it would give me is the illussion of control. And heartache. And more waiting. This is crap.

I was also thinking of why I didn' want her reading the blog and I think I nailed it down. I think its because it kind of feels like cheating. For her to have a way of "contacting" me and figuring out about my heart without risking anything or offering the same thing in return. But oh well. God wants me doing this. I like it. People are getting things out of it. And I am not afraid.

What I am is doubtful. Despite everything God has done, I still have these places in my mind and heart that say, "No, that's just you not letting go. That's just fool's hope. Move on. You can't have heard right." Am I really so unbelieving?

Anyhow, I have a meeting with Aaron and Nick tomorrow about Bangladesh and the worship service. And then tomorrow night Jennifer and I are going to set up a meeting so she can get to know me a little more, and to see about getting plugged in. Craziness.

When I started this post I was caught up in how everything, all this amazing stuff happened, and has been happening, and I gave it the title I did because I didn't really feel that much as a result. Amazingness is swimming all around me, I'm being blessed like crazy, and I just didn't really . . . feel anything. And I still had doubts, and fears, and was trying to ignore Him.

But as I went back over everything, writing it out, I got here to the end and realized I feel great. I realized I can see God. I realized He's done all this stuff. And whatever comes He is good and faithful and in control.

But I have to deny myself, and pick up my cross daily.


"Father, my heart is ready."