I think that might be a good name for a Christian metal band. Or some variation thereof.
Alas it coincides with this song I've been kicking around in my head since last night.
"So this is how it how it feels to be alive
This is how it feels to breath
Oh God how could I forget
being raised from death"
Something like that, I haven't put any of it down on paper.
Well . . . I know its not exactly couth, but I have to admit I rather like doing this:
I told you so.
Oh yeah, that feels good.
So what, you may be asking, did I forecast that then did indeed come to pass. At the end of my last post I said that I could feel the turn around coming. I said that the next day, this attack would be conquered and I'd be back on track with Big J. Don't go back and look, just trust me. Okay, so I stopped short of that, but that's how I felt. Anyhow. It happened.
Some time after noon yesterday I finally cracked my prayer journal for the first time, which was earlier than I'd been in there for at least the last two weeks. And I wrote this:
"Please Lord, don't make me do this without You. Come back. Rescue me and lift me up."
Depressing right? So roundabout 5:30 yesterday it becomes apparent that Nick and Rachel are not going to be able to go to Kairos with me. And I had a few minutes where I tossed over going. But really I know how stupid it would be not to go. I knew how much I needed it. So I went.
I got there a good while early and took some time to walk around the cafe, my first time there. Just looking at people, checking the place out. I took some time to peruse the bookstore as well. Then I meandered into Wilson Hall and sat in the middle floor section, four rows back from the stage. And I sat there and waited. Just, wasting time. No one really sitting close enough to start a conversation with, and everyone who came in was already engaged. So I just sat and waited.
When the music started, I stood to worship. I sang and I focused, but I just felt . . . bound, I wasn't really there, doing what I should have been. And I never felt a change come.
Before Mike started speaking he took just a few minutes to do some prayer time, getting people ready. I leaned over and closed my eyes, as I heard him tell us to take whatever we were holding and just give it up to God. So I did. As that time finished I raised my head. I didn't know it yet, but things had changed.
Not 5 minutes into Mike speaking I knew something was different. Not with Mike, not with the message, not the surrounding. It was me. See, I've never stopped taking notes there, every time I've been I've taken notes. But the last few times, probably since the Revelation series ended, my notes have been . . . sparse. (Aside: does anyone pick up on the significance of that timing?) There was a night that I think I wrote down one thing. Which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. Except I knew I should be getting more. I knew there was more there to get. It wasn't that the messages were less meaty, or less aimed right at my heart, it was really like I just wasn't listening, like I wasn't fully engaged. But last night, I scribbled all over my little card, actually having to double up on the space between the lines just so I could fit it all. And when I started writing things down, right at the start, that's when I knew.
Mike's message last night was directed towards the guys, about being men. He started talking about the abolition of man by feminism, religion, public schools, and even public policy. Then he moved on to an example of a man from the Bible. Interesting tidbits include the difference between righteousness and "right and wrong".
Then he said something that really got my attention. See his example man was Joseph. A pretty good one all things considered. I mean, this was the guy found righteous enough to serve as the earthly father of God Himself. Pretty good endorsement. As a part of Mike's examination of Joseph, he talked about Joseph's dream, and how it kept him from divorcing Mary. But what he said next, near as I can tell, had no bearing on the rest of the message, but it was essential none the less.
Mike next talked about how easy it must have been at first. But then, Joseph had to spend nine months watching his young fiancee/wife grow with this baby inside her. Nine months of hormonal changes. Nine months of people talking. And as it came closer, Mary talking of feeling the baby kick and turn. And all Joseph had to go on during that time was one dream. Mike described Joseph laying down at night, praying to God for the dream to return or another to reaffirm him, but nothing. But Mike never made a comment about a point there. About fortitude in manhood or dedication or anything. He just let it stand by itself.
And the timing of it . . . certainly strikes me as odd.
And later Mike pointed out how Joseph was found as righteous and then richly blessed and given his mission. His point was about preparation. He talked about how Jesus, Moses, and David all spent time alone, in the wilderness, in preparation. And I think I remember hearing that before.
At then end Mike had all the guys in the place stand and told all the girls to pray for us and for us to pray for the guys around us. And it was just incredible, to see all these guys being touched by God. To see men crying and to know there are good women out there and to see them love their men and pray over them and pray over other guys they didn't know at all.
As if there were any doubts about how surely the spirit of the Lord was in that place, when the worship team came back out, things exploded. You could feel the energy and the love in both directions in that place. And I worshiped like crazy. One of those times when everything disappears and its just you standing there before Him on the throne, singing to Him. But when you open your eyes, you see all these people, hands raised, hearts wide open. All of them praising. And there's blessings in the private and in the corporate and you wonder if anyone in that place is managing to escape the spirit of the Lord. And I hadn't felt that in so long.
And it kept up. On the way home I destroyed myself screaming along to Underoath. And I can't tell you how long its been since I've screamed along to my music, or to stuff I've written.
What I can say is . . . all these absences, all this death, has all been going on for approximately the same amount of time.
Fast forward through late night Wii after Kairos and meeting some new people, through today, with its mess of familial tension. To CAKE. Subject: relationships. Specifically the passage was Genesis 2:18, where God decides to make a "helper" for Adam. The rest of the night was talking about relationships and lots of caveats there of, but a lot of it just washed over my brain. For two reasons. One is that Mike went over parts of Genesis 2 last night, not all, but some of the same ones that were used tonight. And two:
The Hebrew for "helper" in 18 is EZAR, a word more accurately translated as "lifegiver" or "one who actively intervenes on behalf of". Every other use of this word in the OT is God saving someone.
And the only other person I've ever talked about that idea with is Heather. I'd just finished Wild at Heart at Lake Champion and Heather was a fan of Captivated and we discussed that word and concept in a few letters.
I only believe in coincidences to a certain extent. And yes all these things seem to have rather interesting time, with little additions like seeing the name Sennacherib appear at near random in the Tom Clancy book I'm rereading, or parking behind a car with Kansas plates when John, Jeremy, Clay, and I went down to watch "Moon" tonight. Yet I don't think I'm sold yet.
I've admitted something to myself sometime during the last two days. Really last night at Kairos, sometime during the prayer time, and tonight when Jenn was talking about marks of a healthy relationship.
I love Heather.
And I don't mean that in the mourning way of "oh I'm still so broken hearted and I can't let go." I'm not distraught and broken hearted. Its just . . . I think of her in my head the same way I did when we were together. I keep thinking of all these great memories and all her fantastic qualities. Its just like . . . it feels just like love. That feeling that those of you who are there know. And there's just no other way to describe it.
And I hope it goes away.
Tonight after I got home I was thinking/praying some and I was realizing how much things have kind of stacked up in regards to this question of whether I gave up or was called on. And honestly decided that all this probably means I should still be fighting for her and could still be meant for her. But I didn't really care. I'm not planning on doing anything about it, at least not at present. If its true, there's a level at which I really don't care. But also, I'm not sold yet. I realized that I'm okay with screwing up in one direction. I'm not okay with needing to move on and still chasing after/waiting for her. But I am okay with being called to keep her on my heart/pursue her, and not doing so. Waiting until God gets angry and gives me something bigger I can't ignore. I'm okay with that, and I told Him as much.
And that's really my plan. I have a good feeling about it.
Alas, it means that even that really attractive blonde eyeing me so intently from the next restaurant over that Jeremy noticed can't garner my attention. Let's say I was the kind of guy to approach girls. Let's say she was receptive. And by those axioms there was then some possibility of establishing a date. Too bad. I'm in love with someone. I'm in love with someone I haven't spoken to in months. And that's all that means to me right now. The close down of dead end opportunities I wouldn't take anyways. Let's face it, if I was the kind of guy to go up and hit on random girls, I probably would have done so anyways.
I get the feeling I don't like this feelings.
So there it is. I'm 70% sure that I told God to bring it on.
Things didn't used to be like this. I used to be so much better at hearing His will, at sticking to it once I had it. And I haven't lost everything. I still don't care about consequences in regards to following Him. I'll do anything He tells me. Recklessly. I just need to hear. And I just wish that was easier.
I leave you with this:
Oh you nations,
lift your hands, lift up your voices
Praise the Lord.
He is worthy.
He is mighty.
The Lord is salvation.
