Harder

Things seem to be getting harder for me, which is rather interesting considering the promise I got the other day.

I didn't tell anyone but the other day I thought I might be dying. I was watching the show "House" and my ears perked up when the patient had a set of symptoms identical to things I was experiencing. I won't say much more, but it was a fairly upsetting day. I dealt with it for a while, but then decided to look it up and realized there were perfectly simply combined explanations that did not lead up to a life threatening condition. So that's good.

But now I'm having my regular sinus trouble, which I put up with in return for never actually getting sick. Last night it was so bad I was dreaming I was lying awake coughing and tossing and turning. Then I woke up and took some medicine, just so my throat would not hurt so bad I couldn't sleep.

Writing the blog is getting harder. I don't really feel like doing it, but I make myself because I always feel better afterwards.

And the circumstances of my life are getting more difficult to handle.

Still I worship. Still I praise. But I wrote in my prayer journal tonight during my worship time, that I'm not sure I can continue to live like this. Its hard and it takes a toll. And it just doesn't seem to add up.

All of today was just up and down. So many twists and turns, and I felt like my brain went everywhere and ended up nowhere. I kept missing Heather, and I kept praying for it to go away, and it didn't. There was a point where I felt like contacting her, so I turned to God, asking if it was Him, got nothing. We'll see.

I found myself in a crappy state of mind, so I went to God again. I spent about an hour 1/2 in worship tonight. I listened to music for a while; singing along, reading the Word, writing in my prayer journal. Then I went back and listened to the first sermon I heard at Kairos. There were two moments where my eyes shot open. One was where Mike mentioned the book of Hosea, and his efforts at redemption. The other was where he mentioned Jeremiah. Yeah, as if I hadn't seen that book enough lately, now I realize it had already come up. So what did He say. The book of Jeremiah is where God promises "restoration" to His "children." Why did he phrase it like that? Why did he use that word that's come up so much? Why did he say "children," which ties into a message God gave Heather and I together? Or is it nothing?

I realized the worst part of all this, is the death of my ears. I can't hear God. Everything I hear I doubt. Every though that comes into my head is dismissed for one reason or another. Everything is suspect. I'm so used to hearing. I'm so used to Him telling me what to do.

I started going back over things I knew to be true and I thought on the three messages I heard at the churches I'm currently involved with. The first was Aaron's message at CIL, "God hears your cries." The second was Mike at Kairos, which has many layers. The third was Jennifer talking about commitment at GodWhy. And that one keeps sticking to my brain. When I first wrote about it I talked about feeling like it was meant for her, not me, but now . . . I'm wondering. Was God telling me?

And it seems that as many things as God has tied together in my life, there are just more. Mike talked about Noah during the sermon, which is something Emily mentioned to me with some significance lately, and I've been thinking about it a lot since. And she mentioned Abraham as well, which was a reference in a New Testament passage I was reading tonight. Both talking about faith.

I love Heather. I miss her. I don't miss the life I had. I don't miss the way we were. I really miss her. Who she is, the way she . . . does everything. Does that mean something?

I wish I had more to say . . . but God has to move. He will.

Update: I went back over and read this for editing, and I have to say it is definitely the worst post ever. Its rambling, disconnected, and lots of other bad things. Including not really getting out things I wanted to say. Please forgive me. Please keep reading.