Joel 2:28

"And afterward,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your old men will dream dreams,
your young men will see visions."

-Joel 2:28

I had two dreams last night, and I've decided to relate them hear.

The first one actually happened second, but is less interesting. I've been waking up really early in the morning and using the restroom and praying for a little bit and then falling back asleep. I always, always use that time to pray for Heather. And those prayers are often for her heart to be turned back, and for reconciliation.

So this morning that routine goes one. And when I fall back asleep I have this dream:

Heather and I are finally sitting together. We are in a dark house, that is fairly old, with a crummy tv on. We are holding hands and smiling at each other, but you can feel that it is recent. We have only just gotten back together and are still working through things. Then I notice her parents are there watching the movie with us. Her mom says nothing but has a smile on her face. Her dad begins to sing a song. Somehow I know it is for me. I ask him to stop, saying that it is painful to hear. But he insists. I look at Heather and smile at her as tears fill my eyes.

I'm thinking this could have been my first subjective dream in 6 months, but I'm not sure. Given everything God has been saying through scripture lately . . . well, we'll see.

The other dream is far more interesting:

I am traveling on a road, and have been for sometime. There is a passenger with me, but I cannot tell who. Sometimes I think it is Heather, and sometimes I think it is Jesus, but I cannot tell.

Then suddenly I am stopped. I am standing with my brother, and with two of my brothers in Christ, both of whom I recognize. I ask why were are stopped and no one can answer. Then I hear a voice and look up. There is a man in a hard hat with an indeterminate face. He says they have removed a piece. I ask of what and he directs me to move a little. Then I notice there is a plexiglass wall that has been blocking the road. And they have removed 2 or three pieces just reaching a height over my head. My brother then comments on how there is more light now, and somehow the wall was blocking it. It is here that I take stock of my surroundings.

The road is the middle of a hill, with a very open valley to the left, extending backwards and forwards. At the bottom of the valley runs a river. It is seems inviting, but is obviously not safe. It is narrower than it looks from where I am and is obviously running very fast. On the far side and behind us there are mountains. Behind I can see where I have been in the road and there are hills but it is obviously very sunny. Where I am at now in the road is covered in shade. Running along the right side of the road is a row of trees, so incredibly thick you almost can't see through. But what you can see is so oppresively bright with sunlight that it is apparent this isn't the same light as elsewhere. I notice that the man removing the wall is also gutting branches from the trees. Ahead of where I am the road curves to the right, and if you squint through the trees you can see where it winds up the hill on the other side of the trees.

Running alonside the road to the left, the side of the valley is a series of nets. One of these nets is vertical and extends slightly higher than the trees on the right side of the road. Runnig under this net is another net, this one horizontal. It is now that I see my two brothers in Christ climbing the net. I tell them to be careful, but it is obvious they cannot hear me. Then they fall, both of them turn head first and crach into the net. As they hit the catch net, one of them spews white foam from his mouth onto the ground. Then the man with the wall looks at me and says its time. And then I wake up.

So there.

I've got some ideas but I'm still working through it.

More and more and more

So the last post was mostly about what happened, and it was getting long, so I wanted to do something more about where I am:

I am . . . good. God is still making promises that look way too big from where I stand. Promises that look too hard. But as I sit here I realize how much I have turned all this over to Him. Maybe I'm reading everything He's telling me wrong. But I don't think I care. I know He will take care of it either way. (I'm thinking of writing a post about these promises if anyone is interested, I can say that now that I know people are reading this.)

This morning I was incredibly restless. I felt like my insides were going to crawl out of my skin. Nothing could settle. Nothing sounded like it could satisfy. I grabbed my prayer journal and quickly jotted:

Restlessness . . . I feel like I recognize it. Are You trying to speak to me? What are You saying? Reveal Yourself.

I lied down prostrate on the floor and lost track of time trying to listen. Its so hard to push ourselves out. To clear our minds and really just try to hear God speak. Not through Scripture, as He so often does for me. But really just . . . the voice. The knowledge.

My head swirls, every thought is a possibility. I try to test everything, to double check everything. I realize I'm just trying to keep my head busy. Finally it starts to clear. I feel like I'm drifting. Everything starts to feel and sound far away. I listen.

"Be ready"

For what?

"What is coming. I have told you."

How do I prepare?

"Obey. Seek"

How long?

"One week"

So there it is. God lays it out and tells me the what. I'm still not sure I totally get it. I kept asking for more about what I was to do. And He just kept saying "be ready". Oh well, I have a week right? But I don't know what that means either. I guess we'll see.

Other important thoughts. I was talking to Katie Hackett tonight, who is most assuredly one of my favorite people on the planet. If you don't know her I'd be glad to put you in touch. So I share two things with her I've been ruminating over about this whole mess. Spiritual things.

One is a little personal. About two years ago Heather was blessed with the spiritual gift of speaking in tongues. She'd probably kill me if she knew I was saying this. She's very private about it and gave flesh and bone to an idea of spirituality I only agreed with in theory previously. So oddity of oddities Heather starts praying like this in front of me, and I can understand her. Not every time, not perfectly, but still . . . its . . . its nothing I can even begin to describe.

Second is when Heather and I started dating, something else crazy and Godly happened. I've never been much of a dreamer, normally I just pass an uninterrupted night. But then sometime this fall . . . I don't know how long exactly but now I only dream in prophecy. Everything I dream comes to pass. And I dream more often. For-instance: I had at least 3 separate dreams of this same type, starting in January with the last one in late February. In the dream I find myself in a strange place and I'm with Heather and things are good. We are on a trip of some kind, an adventure. Then the dream changes, and the trip takes on a negative tone, something bad comes up. Shortly after this, Heather leaves while I am talking to her. I can't understand why she is angry, and I can't find her, and I know if I do it won't do any good. It feels hopeless. Then in the dream I find myself in another strange place, with lots of people from my past. Girls I almost dated, people I haven't spoken to in years. And then I leave that place and the dream ends. You can imagine my surprise when these events came to pass.

That is what actually made me take notice of the newly developed nature of my dreams. There are other instances as well. An almost word for word encounter with an ex-girlfriend from high school. I had a dream where a particular person was angry at me and the next day I received a nasty and self righteous letter from them.

So when I tell Katie these things, she immediately responds, "Zach, give this woman your whole heart." Well needless to say I'm all for that. But I don't know exactly how to do that in my present situation. I don't know what it means from here or how I enact it. What's really important though, is what Katie recognized. Without knowing almost anything else about the situation, Katie hears of these things and recognizes God. Recognizes His blessings and His touch, and she encourages me, in the midst of being broken hearted, to devote myself wholly and complete to Heather. Okay, you've convinced me . . . now what?

Its still up and down. Sometimes it feels like every single minute is a struggle, but . . . .
I was talking to my friend Sarah, and I told her I believed God was not done with Heather and I, that there is more to our story. That what was promised is still planned, and Sarah says the most incredible thing. "Then why are you upset?"

I'm still working that out. For now . . . I know God is with me. But soon . . . He's going to have to do something soon. It's been so long.

Wowzers

Haha. woo.

All day I've been telling myself I was going to post on the blog tonight. And now its late, 1:30, and I have so much I want to say, I can think of at least 4 posts. I just spent about an hour on the phone with Zane, who is in California right now. I kind of feel . . . weird, light headed and a little loopy. At one point we both took turns calling Kyle until he answered, 2 o'clock his time. I finally got a hold of him, and when he answered I had no idea what to say. I started laughing and hung up. I called Zane back and we laughed for a good 5 minutes. Oh non-alcoholic drunk dialing . . . you and I are friends now. BFFAE!!!

Yesterday (Sunday) was a good day. It started earlier in the week, when my mom started making fun of this church. The church is called "The Church at Indian Lake" which my mom thought was a poor name for a church. I pointed out it was no different than something like Portland Industrial Plumbing, and as such was good, it says what they do and where they are. So when I'm making up my mind about where to go to church on Sunday my mind comes back to that conversation. After talking with Sam I'd made up my mind I was going to try a smaller church in hopes of meeting more people. I looked up CIL online and was intrigued by how well the sermon topic seemed to fit my situation and feelings.

So Sunday morning I throw on a nice t-shirt and jeans and head to church. At first I think I may have woefully misjudged the atmosphere of the church and I second guess going. Everyone I see in the parking lot has dress clothes on. It's odd how quickly my plain shirt made me self conscious, it had a nice bird pattern on it, but I felt like it might as well have been a "Hexed Clothing" t-shirt for how I felt.

As I walked inside I realized it was mostly a fluke, but more importantly, no one really cared. So the service kicked along. Sang "Our God is a God who saves" for the second time in as many days. Less really, did it just the night before. Coincidence? I am starting to believe in those less and less, at least when it comes to God.

By and large the service was . . . nothing spectacular. It was good mind you. But I just never felt floored. Never felt really engaged in the music. The message was good, but even as it spoke to my head, I couldn't feel it resonate. Honestly it may have just been me. Where I was. But . . .

Even so a few amazing things happened. First, I met a few people, and they introduced themselves to me imagine that. I sat next to this nice guy right around my age named Joseph and his female companion (wife, girlfriend). They've been about 3 times. At least 3 other people took note to come get my name and remember it. Considering how many places I've been recently, and this is the first time that happened. I'm impressed. I'm already planning on coming back.

At the end of the service there were people up front offering to pray for people. I tried to fight it, but I could feel the Holy Spirit practically dragging me up there. So I hook up with Dave, the tall ginger of a student ministries director. I tell him what I need prayer for and he just goes to town. I can feel it coming. God is listening.

After the service I happen to meet the pastor and he tells me to see his wife about the church's young adult group, that happens to meet on Sunday nights, convenient coincidence. I leave and putz around. Run errands, do work around the house, clean my room up a little and think of finishing painting it.

At 5:25 I'm over at the Allison's, surprisingly calm, just ready. I sit with Aaron for a few minutes and tell him a little of my story. Then people start arriving. And people I like. And people who are outgoing. And people who are excited to see me and to bring me in. None of the exclusion that can often come with Christian small groups. The discussion itself was great, and gave me a few stories I'll be writing about in a future post.

Afterward we went over to Drake's Creek to play softball in the dark. For a good 2 hours. I had a great night.

One interesting part was again being around attractive females. This time far more welcoming and engaging. There was one in particular that caught my attention. Very cute, dark hair, warm, nice, fit, open yet not over the top, and seemed to be almost asking me to flirt. But really . . . I couldn't have cared less. As of yet I want no one else. In fact every woman I meet makes me desire Heather more. Its as though their positive qualities magnify her own. Which would be great if she hadn't convinced herself she hates me because I'm a monster. Is this another coincidence?

The best of it, there are guys I really think I can get on with. I still don't know how long this will last, God keeps me in the dark on some things but . . . there is hope. There is promise. There is deliverance.

The Truth Of It

Heather,

I'm not entirely sure what to say. To some extent it doesn't matter, for you will never read these words. But it does, because . . . somehow, I want you to hear them. To know my heart as you once did.

All worldly wisdom tells me to give up. Tells me to let go and move on. But God's promises are not for yesterday, or even today. They are forever.

Every promise God has ever made to us, everything He has ever said to us, everything He has done points to us being together. Answers He gave you before we met, answers He gave me. Things He whispered to us from your mouth, which I had to interpret. And since . . . the other night with Hosea.

My dear Heather, because of these promises God made, I made promises to you. I told you, "I love you." And more than a feeling, that is a promise. It says no matter what, I am sticking by you. I will not leave. I will not forsake. I will never give up.

Heather, I screwed up. I utterly failed to maintain my relationship with God. I let Him slip from me. The truth of it is that the man you fell in love with, the man you agreed to marry; you loved him. And that was me. But I let go, I became something else, and I'm sorry. But who I was . . . that was real. It is written into my prayer journal, it still resides in my heart. Here is an excerpt from my prayer journal:

" God You are so good. how great is Your care. Your watch and protection and providence.
Thank You God, for bringing me to this place. Surely it is how You deliver restoration in all. To be restored to sonship by Christ's blood. To be restored in heart with my lovely Heather. To be restored in purpose through your promises of work. You are so good God. MY God.
keep me near. Strengthen my heart as I hear it, that I might bear the weight. Keep your lessons of love on my heart, that I may never forget. Bless me Father. Your son seeks You."

I wrote that the morning of the day I told you I loved you for the first time.

Heather the truth of it is that I love you deeply and dearly and tenderly. And you have been imminently aware of this in the past. You used to speak of how much and how well I displayed my love. Whatever you have felt of me recently, remember this, my love for you was and is and will be true. Had I known . . . Heather had I known I would have done anything. I would do anything for you. I will do anything for you.

You have known my heart, and the depth and breadth of my love for you. I want to show you my heart again. The truth of how I love and desire the Lord. The truth of my warrior's heart that is strengthened to fight lies and insecurities.

I want no one else. I don't want to be with another woman alone on my wedding night. I don't want to wake up to someone else 40 years later. I don't want to spend a night in the hospital praying over my child holding another woman's hand. I don't want to be with some woman who doesn't say "Lord love a duck" when she's cold. And who doesn't love trees and Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings and children's literature.

Heather . . . let me win your heart again.

How do I feel?

Jesus is on the throne.

I've been telling myself this all day . . . and I'm still just not feeling it. Every hour feels like a struggle. I miss my fiancee, my best friend, the woman I love. Knowing Jesus is on the throne, knowing the promises he has made; the end result of this is that I still miss her. I still want to speak to her, to hear her enchanting laugh, to smell her, to feel her silky hair against my fingers. I was planning something else for this post, but it is quickly turning into a love letter, for my absent love, who will not read it, and would not care if she did.

I kept busy today. I did everything I could think of. And here I am, the end of another day and I feel I have no purpose. It seems as though God is seriously intent on me not settling. Every effort I pursue here ends poorly. My home has been taken away, and He seemingly refuses to give me a new one. But alas, He is on the throne. If only that meant I didn't have to sigh.

All day, actually even since yesterday I was excited about tonight. I was going to find people my age and establish myself here. I was going to find community. And there was none. No group, only an out of date web page that led me astray. Too late to go anywhere else, even if there were somewhere else to go. But it just feels this place is not for me. So what?

I can't help but think with all the promises He has made that there is a reason; that this is temporary. But what is next? He knows, because He is on the throne. Whatever it is I am praying He delivers me quickly.

It seems I have misjudged what is going on here though. There is purpose for me here and now. He is shaping me and molding me, He is working in me. God is good.

Kairos

Tonight was the first time I've worshiped since October. Worship in the traditional sense that is. An old friend of mine referred me to this college/career worship gathering on the south side of Nashville. It was a bit of a haul for me but it was absolutely worth it. I . . . it was the first time since the night Heather and I got engaged that I truly felt I was worshiping God through singing. Everything just clicked, and you could feel the spirit of God in that place.

So after a 40 minute drive down to Brentwood I pull up to my second megachurch in 3 days. But this building may have been double the size of my 5,000 person worship experience Sunday. So I'm meandering in about 15 minutes early, and I know absolutely no one, and there are about 700 people there, all around my age. So I find this volunteer, identified by his hideously neon green shirt, and tell him my situation and ask him to hook me up with some people. After we wander around for a few minutes it becomes obvious that I have picked the wrong person to assist me. My remorse was cemented when he stops in front of a table full of gorgeous girls and turns to me and says, "You don't mind sitting at a table full of girls do you?"

As my eyes survey the table a string of thoughts hit me. 1) I'm grateful all of these girls are blonds because I really prefer brunettes; 2) It seems that since Heather broke up with me I can't stop getting hit on by really good looking young women and that's not really what I want to deal with, especially since God's simultaneously increased my internal fidelity; 3) I came for brotherhood, so yes, I do mind and I'd really prefer to sit as far away from a female as I can, like if you can put me in a corner with concentric rows of cool guys moving away from it, that'd be great. Though I'm thinking all of this, what comes out is, "Of course not," because Forest Gump asked me loud enough for them to hear. This is not what I am here for.

So I'm sitting there making small talk while my brain melts out of my ears and my loneliness actually increases as a result of my company. Now don't misunderstand me. These girls were great, really, but they just weren't what I wanted or needed. Just as I'm noticing that the most attractive of the girls is giving me the eye the final two members of the group show up, a husband and wife. Finally a guy. Until it takes him a good seven minutes to quit making conversation with my new admirer and notice me. This is not what I am here for.

I sit and wait as I can feel the stubble on my clean shaven face beginning to grow. Eventually the service starts. At first its just like everywhere I've been the past few months, then it starts to connect with me like Sunday's worship did, better but still . . . And then it clicks. As I sing the words "Blessed be Your name" for what must be the millionth time in my life I can feel it. I mean it. I mean those words and every other one I sing. And everything else slips from my mind. Nothing else matters. God's love and grace and goodness enfold me and all is stripped away as I sing my love and praise. It felt better than I can explain.

As no coincidence the message was on worship, specifically Revelation 5 were John is describing the scene of the throne. I never did hear the guys name, but I would like to hear him speak anytime. An interesting aside I hope to explain sometime soon, he mentioned Hosea, which has been happening a lot lately. Of all the books . . . God you know what you're doing.

On the drive back I spent more time in worship, this time with a little different music. I damaged my ears and my vocal chords singing to God with Disciple and Underoath.

My end mood is this: I'm feeling the peace and comfort of God's love and life that has been surrendered to Him. Holding on to absolutely nothing. I have a new phrase thanks to the speaker, "Its easy, Jesus is on the throne." I'm feeling good. Yet I can still feel it, underneath, the pain and loss and hardship of losing the love of my life and my best friend.

Looking back on the experience I realize I didn't get the fellowship I wanted, but it turns out that's not what I was there for.

Jesus is on the throne.

The Journey

Points to anyone who picks up on the title reference.

So here's the deal. My fiancee left me about a week ago. I don't agree with it, I don't think its the right way to handle the problems, and I don't think its the end. But it is the way it is.

The reason this blog exists is because God used "coincidences" to put me in touch with a woman who offered me great advice about this situation. And one piece of that advice was to keep speaking tenderly to Heather, even though I couldn't communicate with her. So originally I just wanted a way to write her letters of love and support. But then things kept coming, like a longing to open up and share portions from my prayer journal. I realized that my troubles with Heather are related to my walk with Christ, and that should be the greater focus of any effort to share my heart with her (in a way she'll never read). And so it begins: