Consistency isn't really my thing

I originally started this by saying I was tired of giving, but I'm not sure I can say that. I realized for so long I've been in need. Of God and of others and of things. So I felt like I was tired of giving. And really its because I'm still in need. Sometimes I feel like I haven't received. This is not a good feeling.

I wish I wasn't deep and brooding. I wish I thought of little and had many unhad thoughts. I wish I was a wading pool instead of a lake. I wish I didn't want to say things that meant something. I wish there weren't layers. I wish I'd never hear phrases like, "that surprises me" or "I never would have guessed that" or "when I first met you I thought you were . . . ."

Today was pretty good. Church was . . . I'm not sure I can do this. I'm not sure I can play out these thoughts. I'm not sure I have the emotional energy. I want to go to bed. I want to wake up tomorrow and not remember anything of inner turmoil and toughness.

Church was interesting. I felt worship was a little off, which was disspointing because I knew we had new visitors. And I was sad for myself. I wanted so badly to draw near to God today. I've been grinding along on my own for a few days and I was hoping for a reconnect. I was hoping for some poignant words or a sweet call or preparation.

Aaron's message was good, it was on forgiveness as found in the story of Joseph.

I killed sometime and flirted with this cute girl at Kroger for a few minutes before I met with the team over at GodWhy. We threw some ideas around and talked about what had been done and then laid out tasks for this week. At first after the meeting I was a little nervous over something coming of it, which I'd love to see. But now I remember, its just God. God does what He wants. And if He wants to give me a job there (which I'd freaking love), He will. No ifs, no ands, no buts.

After young adults tonight we went to eat at Chilis. I was sitting with (amongst others) Dan and Alissa. And I every once in a while I'd think about Alissa's really good looking friend coming in to town and . . . . Its so stupid to even say anything.

The last few days have given rise to two new partitions of thinking. One is that I enjoy being single. I'd like it better with some other things in place. A job, some more active friendships. But I like not having to tell anyone where I'm going. Or include them. Or ask about anything. I just like doing my own thing.

And yet I don't like it. No one is there to listen when its hard. Or whisper in your ear the things you know but can't remember because things are so hard. Stupid crap like that.

Another thought, far less two-sided or optomistic, is that no one needs to be with me. Call it a combination of who I am, and what I do, and things I know I'll see . . . and I just don't want anyone to go through it. I don't want some woman so entwined in my life. It'll just be hard on her. Heather can say whatever she wants now, but when this all started, that was her real problem. And she's right.

Speaking of her, I happened to think of that letter today, of her saying we just weren't compatible. It must be nice to be able to see so clearly when things get hard. For most people, for me, they get grey. And you forget what you're supposed to know. But not her. Hard times came and suddenly she saw that she'd believed exactly the opposite of what was true. Must be nice.

It must be nice to find such a comfort. To say, "oh, it just wasn't right." And try as hard as I can I don't have the same comfort. I have to sit here and deal with reality. And the only comfort here is that those decisions and that behavior makes itself true. But if someone were asking me if I wanted to be set up with someone, I'd probably give them traits identical to Heather. Without intending to. This is not what I want.

What do I want?

See . . . consistency just isn't my thing.

Tonight during worship I twice had Heather suddenly pop into my mind, once vividly. And I am not a fan of that.

I'm to the point of not wanting to listen. I'll do anything to just get my heart wiped clean. God just give me something else. God move quickly.

As I sit here and right this I realize I don't agonize over these things during the day. Which has a few implications. One is that the blog sounds a little worse than how I really feel. I'm considerably more upbeat than I appear herein. Another is that I don't think I'm really doing much of anything. I've quit fighting. I'm still worshiping and ready to hear God. But I'm not actively doing anything. I don't fight any thoughts. I don't pray for her or a relationship. I do everything I can to let God take me somewhere else.

No crap God, make Amber go ga-ga for me. I could use it. And from what I can tell she's nothing like Heather.

See . . . how many different thoughts on one little narrow sliver of my life.

I am full of crap.

I think I have more to say. I think there are more to all these thoughts. I think I could elaborate and tie them together better. I can remember things I though today and wanted to share with you all. Thoughts about God, and my new friends. But I just want to go to bed and forget everything. Just for a little while.

I think I want to beat someone up in the morning.

Let us always praise the King. He is always good. He is always worthy. He is always with us. Always.