"People want the truth but never want the scars"

The title comes from a song by a band named emery, whom I have liked for a while, but hadn't listened to in a long time, and it was a perfect day to listen to them.

Knoxville was killer. A serious blast. Hanging out with everyone last night was hilarious and refreshing and fun, and it made me aware of some things that are missing in my life, and have been, that I'm not entirely sure of how to fix.

I had this moment where I was driving along highway 11, both last night and today where I was seriously thinking about moving up there. I miss my mountains. I miss roads like that. I miss the way lakes form, and the way communities are built up there. I miss the way the sun shines there.

The Appalachians are home, but right now I don't feel necessarily called there. Then again I don't really feel at home in Nashville either. Maybe there's nowhere. Maybe my home is still dependent on a person.

One thing I really miss is people seriously living my life with me. Deep, obtrusive, intimate, sharing community. People who know how to finish jokes you set them up for. People you are so connected with you ask them how they are with Christ in the middle of innocuous joking.

Okay . . . I can't put this off any longer.

In my last post I mentioned how I was getting ready to leave, and was praying for God to give me a sign if it was Him laying it on my heart to fight for Heather.

Unfortunately my FM transmitter for my Zune crapped out just as I was getting on the highway. Okay, fine. I wanted to conserve funds by using my Target gift card to get a new one so I check the GPS. There are no Targets between Mt. Juliet and Knoxville. Welcome to Sucktown.

No kidding though, almost first thing some Christian song/speaker is on the radio, and I can't remember what I heard but I remember thinking . . . okay, maybe this happened for a reason. I never listen to the radio, ever, and maybe I need to. During the drive I flip through a few stations, and just as I'm going through Oak Ridge I land on another Christian station.

As I pull onto the surface street to Target a song comes on the radio. Its by Warren Barfield and its called "Love is not a Fight." Here's the first verse and the chorus:

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
Then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

I pulled into the parking space and just sat there. I realized my hand was shaking, so I just shut the radio off and went inside to get my transmitter. As I got back on the road I told myself that it was just a weird coincidence.

Then as I was driving along Highway 11, finally listening to my new music I drove by a church with one of those stupid letterboard signs. The message: "A trying time is no time to quit trying." Crazy coincidence huh? I'm sure it means nothing.

What I hate about all this, and something that is present across the board in Christianity, but especially in times like these, is the loss of any hope of trusting yourself. You begin to worry that every single thought and desire and instinct you have are products of the dark passenger or the adversary. And suddenly you have almost nothing. You can't trust any of your thoughts. You can't trust anything you want to do. Its all sabotoge.

So how am I dealing with it? I said 1 1/2 weeks. I told God if I still feel like this I'll do something about it then. But I don't think I mean it. If I still feel like this next Sunday, I'll probably just say, "give it another week" "another two weeks"

The fact that I get to say the last two days have been spiritual "low points" or something like that is incredible. The fact that I've read the Letter and prayed as much as I have and still see these busy days as being so devoid of God speaks volumes of how much time I've really been spending with Him lately. And its so sweet.

I'm glad tomorrow is Sunday. I want to go to church.