"And so it is . . ."

Damien Rice - 'The Blower's Daughter' - I have no idea of the significance, I just can't get it out of my head. I think there's something related, in the feel.

Alright well, I'm going to a bit of how my night went, but really only as a means to a greater purpose.

We went to the drive-in tonight, in celebration of Emily's birthday. A bnuch of people met at Cheddar's for dinner, and then a smaller group headed up to Franklin to catch the movies. Its funny, because last night when we were out, I felt like Amber was diggin me, and then tonight . . . well, it seemed definitely not. Nothing particular to put on it, aside from a general lack of communication, which just contributed to the vibe.

Now I want to make something clear. Yes, I like Amber. I think she is great and I would appreciate the opportunity to pursue her, but the idea is not consuming me. I don't want to make it seem like that's what was on my mind all night.

What is important about it is this: I think I'm insane. And here's why:

When Heather first broke up with me I thought that if I only knew how it'd turn out I'd be fine. So then I THINK I hear God telling me how it'll turn out and then I'm upset because I don't see it turning out that way, or being able to participate. So then God calls me to participate, He says, "fight for her." And then I'm dissatisfied because 1) I don't see any results and 2) I discover I don't want to. And when i feel I don't want to fight for her, I suddenly don't like that thought either and "recommitt" myself. And then I just sort of stop doing it. So then I meet Amber and God tells me to ask her out on a date, so I do. And I was so ready, from the time He told me to do it until early today, to just say, "It was a great night, and she had a great time. If I never speak to her again, that's good enough." And then I get around her again, and all of a sudden I just want to know where I stand. Does she like me? Should I pursue or leave her alone? Where do I draw the line between showing her I'm interested and not pressuring her?

Its such bullcrap. Whenever I get somewhere, I always wish I was somewhere else, and usually its where I was before. "Oh if only I knew the end result, I could handle the steps in between. Oh, well if only I could just not look past the step I'm on right now." Its freaking crazy.

I know everyone does it to some extent. Its the nature of devloping a thoughtlife. Its part of the struggle of following Christ. Its mastering instincts, and emotions, and desires, and putting them to rest to let God and His will be your only reality. But it just feels so . . . I just feel crazy.

Additionally tonight I noticed that I'd been acting rather goofy lately, which I'd say most people who've known me well in my past would more closely associate with the real me. And I didn't like it. And that combined with my awareness and consideration of my feelings about wondering whether or not Amber liked me, led me to that far more quiet, reserved, deadpan place. And when I got there, I didn't like it. I felt like a dud and I felt out of place. Great.

Indeed I felt out of place most of the time tonight. Like I didn't belong. Like every interaction, like being there at all . . . . I don't even know how else to put it.

I seem to recall that a few weeks ago I'd managed to just shut my brain off so I didn't think about this crap. I miss that. But I'm sure if I get there again I'll just wish I wasn't there. Again.

Yeah, my life should be a movie. Jamie's told me that. Sams and Chick have told me that. Joy, Kyle and Dave. Tons of other people, some important, some not. And right now it just seems like a joke. At the same time all of this stuff and wondering about my place with god and what He'll do and where He wants me to go, and I still feel like its just boring. Even while I'm overly dramatic.

I just realized I'm not in a good mood at all. I'm gonna do some very heartful praying, cause I feel like crap. I'm not even entirely aware of why. I mean, I've gone through everything weighing on me right now, and yet I can't say I should feel the way I do.

So its time to remember, its time to hear:

It's easy, Jesus is on the throne.