The Heat

The title is a whole CD by needtobreathe. And its jam packed with feelings I've still been finding myself dealing with. What a load. On the plus side, the readership keeps growing. People I know are showing up and saying they're participating, and there are strangers too (just by numbers).

So here's a question/riddle: As a celibate, non-drinking, devout Christian, what do you do when you feel completely reckless and self-destructive? I suppose there are many answers, but this Friday night just had one. Find yourself in the familiar situation of risking you life, this time by the also familiar driving a race car at a nothing track for a friend you never talk to. Dare I say, sa-weet.

So I've been thinking a lot lately about mediated representationism. See, my senior year of college I took a class called 'Mediated Consumption and Personal Identity' which was about how personality is formed. We looked at it from lots of angles, anthropological, biological, sociological, etc. I was the only Christian in the class. And something came up every day making me aware of that, and usually putting me in the middle of an argument.

Anyhow, one of the books we read was 'Mediated' by Thomas de Zengotita. It is probably one of the best books about understanding the role of media in shaping the postmodern/postchristendom eras. One of the ideas that stuck out to me the most was his discussion of the rise of cultural method acting. de Zengotita posits that as a result of postmodernity's relativism hand in hand with pervasive media reshaping many facets of human thought, people have come to see truth as being only as real as their ability to act. Let me see if I can explain this better.

Late in the book de Zengotita talks about the end of nature as we know it. The example that still sticks out to me is when he talked about a wolf. He says that now, if you are out in the woods and you see a wolf, it doesn't mesmerize you. It doesn't inspire awe or anything of the sort, its actually quite boring. He says this is because things like National Geographic and Animal Planet and the Discovery Channel have given people a hyper-stylized view of animals. Once you have seen a wolf chase and catch a meal in HD, seeing it laze around doing nothing in real life is dull. Its less real than the real thing.

As applied to people, this means that the outlandish behavior of celebrities, or even the existence of celebritism itself is a product of the the digitized "real" eclipsing the real real. And one of the most damaging aspects of this is in regards to truth. Imagine a talk show like Maury Pauvich or that polygraph show that run on one of the networks a few years ago. People really believe, that if they just deny the paternity test or lie detector results hard enough, that it will be true. And if not absolutely true, at least people will believe them, which is good enough. Put on a big enough act, and you can change the truth, or at least convince people you are right. Nutso.

So why is this relevant? Well, I've been thinking about it, and its my blog. But really, something about things rings true for what has happened with Heather. I think of this lyric by Showbread, "Its easy to hear His voice/ its easy to turn it off/ its easy to make your choice/ its easy to turn yourself off."

I'm also reaching to see where this idea is reflected in my own faith, or in a wider swath of Christianity. Any thoughts?

In other news, I can't quit freaking missing Heather. I feel like I'm moving backwards. Its awful. Even worse, I don't ask God about it. I just don't feel like I'll get much out of Him. I'm still pretty sure He told me to fight. I'm still not seeing anything for it. Although this missing crap puts me kind of back in a place to feel like doing it. I think I just like pretending none of it ever was. I never met her. There is no pain. I don't have anything I'm supposed to be doing. But I'm still pretty sure He told me to fight. And I want so desperately to learn how to die to myself and just follow Him. Just follow Him, and nothing but.

And my urge to date fluctuates. Sometimes I still can't imagine being with anyone, or actually being satisfied with anyone. And then sometimes, I feel like I need to rush right out and meet someone. Which even if I wanted to, where would I go?

The worst part . . . none of its real. The only things that's real is what God says. Everything else is just . . . I don't even know. Its real, its just not reality. So what does God say . . . well . . . I think I remember, but crap.

So I finally dreamed again, Wednesday night. Technically its the first time in a week and a half, but in reality its two and a half weeks, because the last one doesn't count. (the last one, btw, was a dream where I was at a private concert by the Charlie Daniels Band with a bunch of my friends. The wierd part was that the next day I saw a billboard for a concert of theirs. But still, not significant).

So I sometimes pray for God to speak to me in my dreams, because He has done it. So for 6 nights straight I pray for God to speak to me in a dream. On Wed. it looked like this:

"Speak to me Lord. Tell me something, call me somewhere or to something. Let me hear You."

That night I had two dreams.

In the first I was on some sort of large ship living with a bunch of my friends. For some reason I was called to a chamber and I knew that I had to go and fight a battle. It was a weird mix of strategic control imagery and personal brute imagery, but I won, and was a big hero. But as I left no one really knew, and I was okay with it. And that's about all I can remember.

In the second dream I was in a house packing my things to get ready to leave, and I was angry. Heather's mother walked in and began talking to me, trying to convince me I should let go of Heather. I was angry, I was getting ready to leave, but I knew I was right. I knew that . . . well at one point she asks me if I really believe I'm supposed to be with Heather, and fighting back tears I said, "I have no reason to doubt that besides present circumstance. None"

so . . . whatever, I've completely refrained from thinking about these thigns, or dealing with them, or figuring them out. They are just there. I tried to type that they are just coincidences but . . . . I can't say stuff like that. I don't know. And the timing, where I was. What I prayed as I tried to sleep. Whatever.

Then last night another dream. Heater and I were reunited. And whether that idea makes me happy, angry, or apathetic depends on which minute you ask.

What do I want from God right now? I want Him to do something, or have me do something, or put me in place where I don't hate and doubt every thought and feeling. Where its okay to let myself feel, where it means something. Where I do actually feel something. Everything is muted right now.

And God hasn't spoken to me through Scripture in like a week. Or I'm just missing the message. Either way.

So now its late, and I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow.

And for all that . . . I'm in a good mood. And its not just because I won tonight. Let's call it a refleciton of the joy and glory and blessings that are coming. God let them come quick.