The Great Divide

I am a disaster. Seriously. I can't keep anything straight. I can't settle. I can't keep a fix.

Last night, after I wrote the blog, I finally gave up. I finally went and spent time with God and it all came flooding in. He was there. I knew I had to fight for Heather, I even had a good hopeful sense of how it would turn out.

But when I turned off the lights and put my head down to go to sleep, this feeling came over me. All of a sudden I had this sense of meeting someone else, and I was okay with it. Which I wasn't okay with. The lights were quickly back on and I spent more time in my prayer journal and searching the word. Before it was all I could do to reject this and want her off my heart. Now I was pleading with God to return to that plan.

And that feeling remained with me today, and whenever I brought myself to even approach dealing with it . . . well it has merit to be of anything. And I hate it. Now I suddenly don't want it to be anything. Now I almost feel like I'm fighting with God to move His plan BACK to me marrying Heather. And you never win fights with God.

Worst . . . I think its my fault. I've almost moved beyond doubting that I should have gone to Kansas City on Saturday. I should have. I don't think it was me, I think it was Him. But . . . at the time . . . . With everything that has gone on, with everywhere I've been, how could I know? And so now I have to wonder, is this my fault? Has God really changed His plan, so that I am no longer to be with Heather, just because I didn't go to KC on Saturday? And if so, and I end up with someone else, how could I ever be happy knowing that was just a consolation because I, I, screwed up what was meant for me. Nothing feels good.

It was just Nick and I at Kairos tonight, which would have been fine, but the service itself was kind of disappointing. I had all the thoughts, all these things laying on my heart, and I was expecting that they might be spoken to. But less than that, I'm not sure I got much of anything out of it. Which is a first. The worship was good. But the teaching . . . I just felt like it was for someone else, maybe even a little uninspired. Fluke I guess.

When I was going over the thought from last night, and where it took me today, there was a point where I actually got this feeling that maybe God was going to introduce me to someone tonight at Kairos. And I was actually a little excited. But no dice on that either. Things just keep looking up. I can't even get seen through on the second place things I don't want at all.

But now . . . Mike did say something at the beginning, about last week, and about keeping up the fight. I felt the stirrings. And there was this moment. Right at the end as we were doing closing worship, I was totally focused in on God, everything else was gone and I was just praising and crying out to Him for deliverance. And then this thought hit me. I suddenly felt that I needed to be fighting, that she is still my future. Whirlywind.

As I write that it makes me think of something Mike did say during his talk. He said that part of fighting is worship. If you want to fight the dragon, worship, that'll piss him off. I've been talking at God all day, and earlier I was wondering, if I'm still supposed to be fighting, what the heck am I even supposed to do right now? Praying feels empty and hollow, like you're not listening. is it because you've changed the plan? Is it something wrong with me?

Maybe I should just be worshiping. But . . . Saturday, I should have gone. What now? It can't really be done. Let me fight.

There are some things to stand against what I said earlier, and more with what happened at the end of Kairos, and how I kind of feel now.

Last night before everything went to crap, I was praying and seeking. I asked God if He had really told me to fight. I opened my Bible, but it was upside down so I had to turn it over. Song of Songs, chapter 1. So then I asked how. Psalm 144. Maybe we're still in this. Maybe there's still hope. Maybe she is still my intended.

One last thing. When I put my head back down to go to sleep, I prayed for God to quiet my mind. I prayed that He would take everything away and give me clarity on the reality. I prayed for Kairos, I prayed for friends stepping in, I prayed for reading in the Word. I prayed for a dream.

Last night I had a dream. I can't remember the specifics of it, but I know Heather was in it. The reason I can't remember is because something more important happened. After the dream was over, I heard Heather whisper my name. So clearly that I woke up and turned over to see if she was there in my room. She wasn't but . . . I couldn't shake this feeling. Maybe . . .

Today would have been our 8 month anniversary.

I'm not sure how much of this I can take.

Despite it all, God is good. I just wish I didn't have to say that from memory.