Jesus is indeed on the throne

I don't . . . I'm really not even sure of what to say. It's been an amazing day. I know this will be a long post, which is funny because I write absurdly long posts anyhow. What can I say, I'm a writer at heart.

First things first, I don't think I've listened to Underoath all day. Yeah, I know. Today has instead been filled mostly with Showbread's Anorexia/Nervosa project; which is one of the best art pieces I have ever, ever encountered. They made these two albums where the songs are really designed as background music to the story of two sisters written on the CD inserts. The stories are dark and unbelievably engaging. But ultimately they are beautiful and amazing. Of course the music can be listened to without reading the stories (ideally after you have experienced it as intended) and its just . . . the stuff is wow.

Weird thing happens I've noticed. When I get really close to God, and really into my personality and masculinity, I want to curse a lot. Not in an angry or hurtful way. More in a cheering way mostly. Like when somebody praises God my brain goes "**** Yeah!" And then it second guesses itself and says, "really?" I also want to curse at/about Satan a lot. Call him names when he comes at me, things like so. I don't think this is normal. I'm pretty sure its not good, but it is what it is.

I got up really early this morning for having gone to bed late last night and then not being able to sleep. And I felt it. I lounged around for a little while and suckled on some cinnamon rolls (heck yes). Finally I got cracking and went upstairs to help my mom get the house in order. There was stuff everywheres. I'm not sure we made any identifiable progress, but that's okay.

That's how I spent most of my day. I almost deleted the blog today. I almost got rid of it all and decided never to touch it again. I had another few experiences of finding out my readership is MUCH bigger than I thought. And I'm not sure how to feel about it. My only peace in it is that I've realized this is God's doing. He got me started on this and wants me doing it. I'm not sure why but . . . the more I thought about it, the more I found myself wondering if I could increase the readership more. Maybe submit posts to websites as articles. Tell people to tell their friends. Fish on forums. God just does crazy crap. And He is doing something here.

I realized I've started to think in post writing. I evaluate how I feel as though I'm putting it on here, and I guess its working. I'm getting better at figuring things out. But today has been a crazy day.

My first prayer journal entry of the day went like this:

"Be with me God.
I'd love for today to be the day. I'd love for what I believe to be true.
But just get me through today.
Draw me near."

As I copy this down I'm getting all "heck yes" for two reasons. One is that God delivered big time. I can't even remember all the things I've had revealed to me today, much less tell all of them here. There really is too much to today.

Second is that I'm doing it. I'm doing what Emily said the other day. I need to just be focused on obeying God daily. And I had that message echoed to me from a friend yesterday. And then today, I start out my morning without even realizing I was doing so, and then I take a break for lunch. And sitting in my email inbox is a letter from a very dear friend of mine who is appropriately named Joy. The email was long and said a lot, but the relevant part can be summed up like this "it is our job to trust, and through that trust the Lord will fill you with an inexplainable peace."

I was taken aback when I got the email. When she said what she did. God has used three different people on three successive days to deliver that message. Alright, You got my attention.

And then here I discover I started doing it without realizing. Things just get better and better.

There is still so much to go.

So Nick calls me earlier today, says he is coming back in to town and heard I was hitching down to Kairos with Rachel and (a different) Joy. We'll call her dJoy. So he has decided to go along, which is great because now there is another guy going. So we meet at 5:30 and hang out for a few while Rachel shows up late and those two eat ( I already ate with moms) and then we're gone.

The drive down was good. We talked the whole way, and a lot of it was spiritual. We just all kept chiming in and adding things and sharing. It was all good ground, and it was all real, and it was all valuable. Why don't Christians talk like that with each other more?

So we get there and find our way to the new location for Kairos. And its a big improvement. dJoy decided to come separate with Katie and Becca. So we save a few sits and kick it while we wait for the service to begin. Rachel tells this story about some guy who told his wife how many pieces of toilet paper she could use. Seriously? I would love to go to work on that guy. God has stripped me of some of the aggressive elements of my personality. But still whenever I hear of a guy mistreating a girl, I just want to go town. And this is me. Makes me wonder about how Heather could accuse me of some of what she did. Oh well right?

So the service gets started with singing just a few lines, and then a few moments of silence to prepare our hearts. I'm standing there looking at the cross graphic on the screen and I hear it. "Follow me." You got it.

The band kicks up and I throw myself at worship. I get so lost. I'm just singing and focusing on God. Praising Him and feeling His love and returning it as best I can. At one point a thought breaks through though. I'm not sure Heather and I were ever at a place where I really worshiped around her. And I don't mean an emotional place. Just more of that practical decision stuff. We never went to a church or a service where I was really in it. Where I really worshiped. And this woman awakened spiritual gifts in me. Imagine what we could do. No wonder Satan is on the attack. He's freaking scared to death.

So then Mike gets up there. He starts the service with a guided prayer time. He tells us to close our eyes and he slowly weaves a picture. We start by focusing on Jesus and Holy Week in the abstract. Then suddenly he is putting pictures right before our eyes. We're in the crowd. Right there on the mount. Staring Jesus in the eyes as He hangs on the cross. Mike says we suddenly find ourselves at the front of the crowd, "so close you can hear the drops of blood as they fall in pools on the ground." We're looking Jesus in the eyes, and Mike asks what we want to say.

"Its my fault," my brain cries. "Its my fault you're there. I've done so much to put you there. Please just come down. Let me get up there."

Jesus gets tears in His eyes. He tries to speak and we lean in close to hear. Mike asks what He says.

And then God speaks to me, for the hundredth time today. "I love you. I love you so much. This is for you." Oh God what words to speak to my heart. And then, "Everything is as I have said." And I know what He is talking about. Really?

I'm so awash in everything. Mike goes on and I just start crying. Not a heavy sobbing cry. Just a cleansing, good and bad cry. So gentle and so good.

The main message was . . . well Mike talks about so much its kind of tough to boil down. You just have to be there, but it was amazing. The main passage was from Revelation 7. 6 of the 7 seals have been broken by the lamb. All hell has been brouth loose on earth, people are crying for reprieve. And in the middle of it everything stops. And suddenly every believer is present before God. Worshiping. Experiencing and in return expressing perfect love.

Then, almost at the end Mike says this is tied to Psalm 23. And then he brings it together. All troubles, all storms, every hard thing. There is no need for fear. Jesus, the good shepard, is intentionally leading us through the valley of the shadow of death, because we have to be perfect, and we have to learn not to be afraid. And every tear for what has passed, God will hold us and wipe them away.

The end message, the phrase that still rings in my ears is this: If you get picked up and put on the other side of the valley you'll just be right back at the start of the valley. You have to learn to never, ever be afraid again. My heart just exploded.

So I am lost in all this. I am so jazzed, so in love with my savior. So ready for the fight and the waiting of what He seems to have promised in my future with Heather. And simultaneously so unconcerned. So what if I'm wrong? So what if I've heard wrong? It'll be fine. And this short paragraph is huge. There is so much there. Go back and read it again. This is the culmination of everything I have written.

But the day is not over. God has more in store.

While at Kairos I had this moment. God spoke to me while Mike was speaking, He told me I needed to be back at ministry. I needed to search out Young Life in Nashville and I needed to be a leader in my CIL small group, and that I needed to speak at a service like this. And then . . .

dJoy and Katie and Becca never found us. They called us as we were leaving and told us to meet them at Fido. Fido is a super sweet coffee house near West End. Rachel and Nick and I got there and ordered and were standing in line. And I look over at these two people sitting in this botth next to the line. And the girl has a freaking Young Life sticker on her computer. I do my first ever triple take. Really God? Really?

So I say hi to her and we exchange a little info and I leave with the area directors number. I am unbelieving, and how?

We order and the three other girls show up and we all hang and talk and laugh. Then dJoy and Katie and Becca (whom I still haven't officially met, even after sitting next to her) leave. Rachel and Nick and I stay and hang out for I don't know how long. Talking about the service, talking about God. Nick and I talk about Bangladesh, and about getting a service like Kairos started on the north side. At some point I realize something amazing. I feel like myself. I am acting like myself. How long has it been? I have no idea, but it feels better than I can describe.

Longest post ever? Don't know, maybe. Whatever. What's amazing is knowing that there is stuff I left out, and stuff I've forgotten. Here are the end thoughts.

God rocked me today. I was faithful and He was more than that. He delivered big time and I'm just waiting to get up tomorrow and start attacking this stuff.

Part of me is sad that God is not speaking to me through Scripture right now, as He usually does, but hey, what I'm getting is good.

I am better than ever. There is so much good I can say I can't say any of it. There are so many things I could share, about how Christ has and is moving and shaping my heart.

Just know this. Zach Frank is back, and there is a mighty, mighty God with him.