With each passing wave we'll change

well . . . I've procrastinated as much as I could. I've spent a good two hours not writing this. But now its time. I have a lot to say, s0me just disparate snippets. Some . . . . And see now my thoughts are all fragmented and I can barely remember everything. I'll be struggling to pull this all together. I don't even have any music playing because it was distracting me. That's how bad it is.

Where does to start?

Apparently I've picked up a rather bad habit. Or perhaps its a blessing I haven't recognized yet. Regardless, in the past two weeks I've been put in excellent positions to ask out very attractive young ladies 5 times, and done absolutely nothing about it. It actually happened twice yesterday. I was initially unhappy about going to Kairos by myself, and spent last week wondering who I could take with me, but then I realized that the last two weeks, when I've gone by myself, I've ended up right next to attractive women.

As I left the church last night I actually found myself wondering if God had gotten in the torture business and was testing this method out on me. Here after a good month and a half hiatus, feelings and memories of Heather return, nearly five months after the engagement ended. The feelings do not abate despite prayers for their removal. And after dealing with those for nearly a month, I start meeting lots of attractive girls, after a hiatus from that as well. Delightful.

On the upside, I've begun developing repellent phrases, the answer to pick up lines and come-ons. Observe:

"Hi" Says bubbly blonde in the trendy dress.

"Hello" Responds presently sour main character in polo and jeans.

"I'm _______"

"I'm Zach"

"Are you a regular?" I nod. "How do you like the Summer of Love series?"

"Its okay, kind of tough to get into because I'm a polygamist."

:: Begin period of awkward staring. Followed by nervous laughter on blonde's part. ::

:: Sip tea and keep straigt face, never breaking eye contact ::

And that, dear readers, is how you end a conversation with a young Christian woman.

I should be shot.

So here I am, seemingly still in love with my ex-fiancee I haven't talked to in half a year, wishing desperately that I could let go of that, wondering if God still wants me to fight for her, as He undoubtedly did at one point, wishing I could all thoughts of dating in general, yet desperately wanting that kind of contact, whether through general desire, or misplaced readings of God-based desire for her, coming into semi-frequent contact with attractive young ladies in situations that facilitate asking out, while simultaneously not finding them good enough and wondering when I'll come into contact with attractive young women in situations that facilitate asking out. All while God seems silent on this area. You could say I operate on the principle of duplicity in thought. At least in regards to this.

As long as we're talking about never being satisfied, everyone will remember how I was previously complaining about this job situation. Or at least voicing my uneasiness. Well last night I was praying about whether or not God wanted me to do this, and sure enough, "ask, seek, knock."

See on my way over to church tonight I was thinking about how excited I'd been initially, and how it kind of seemed ordered by God at the time. Which led me back to the issue of obedience in the absence of passion, and so forth. Then tonight at church Stephen led our study on doubt. Particularly doubt of one's own abilities in regards to calling. We used the story of Moses calling at the bruning bush, and his silly response.

Then, as if I needed more encouragement, I went with some people to hang out at Starbucks, and ended up talking about 912 Park almost the whole time. My friend Luke is extremely interested in helping out, which is really my first jump on volunteer, somebody I didn't have to bug to do it. And then these two other guys started talking to me about it, and eventually there were 6 people, standing out in the parking lot kicking stuff around. And I'll admit it, it got me excited. So there. We'll see what happens. There's a lot to be done and lots of questions. But what can I do other than trust?

So what else? Struggling with discontent, wondering why, seeing connections I don't like there. Still having some academic posts I'd like to throw down. So on.

I'm sure I had more to say when this all started, but then I delayed for two hours and I feel like I'm leaving this post unfinished. There are thoughts still swimming around upstairs but I can't grasp them enough to put them out here. So much the luckier you are I suppose.

I am back amongst the wind and the waves.

The real problem is perhaps that I've not been as near to Jesus lately as I've been in the past. And that has to change.