I guess that's a blog

I'm not sure where to begin. I have things to say . . . kind of. But just lots of disjointed little half thoughts. Then again, I guess that's a blog. And I guess I now have a beginning to this post.

So the other day I removed my "political views" thing from Facebook. I know it seems small, and its rather telling of how much Facebook has become a part of our lives, but it was big for me. Used to be, back in the day, that I really cared about current events/politics and being informed. From the days of being a way off the deep end crazy liberal high schooler, to going about as far across the board as I could in college.

I guess removing it started a few years ago. I was doing Summer Staff at Lake Champion and was working as the town runner. I think it was the third week, and I took another SS guy to the urgent care clinic in Milford, PA. I was sitting in the lobby waiting and I noticed the tv was on. I hadn't seen tv or the internet in about two weeks so I was passively curious. Its was CNN. And before even 5 minutes had passed I had to get up and walk outside to keep from bursting in to tears. Seeing . . . being so forceably confronted with how infected the world has become after being so close to Heaven just tore me apart. After I got back I avoided intentionally learning any news for months.

My last jont at LC had no such defining moment, but after going without that crap for a month, it was so easy and felt so good to not deal with it. And I would sometimes talk with Heather about doing it, and whether it was spiritually responsible or if I was just burying me head and being uninformed. But I never reached any solid ground. Then recently at Kairos Mike said something that got me thinking about this. He was talking about men he admired, and how they didn't engage in things most people did, but they spent lots of time in the word. And at some point I realized . . . I don't want to concern myself with politics. I want to concern myself with growing spiritually. I want to focus on knowing God and making sure I'm right by Him. I want to focus on my friends, and whatever ministry I'm involved in, and eventually my family. So I'm trying to pull myself out. I'm curious to see how I'll react towards the end of an election cycle. We shall see.

Speaking of Kairos, Tuesday was A-Mazing. Yeah, it had to be written like that. Mike was conspicuously absent, but it didn't matter, because it was a worship night. The band just kept playing. The worship leader did get up at one point (he wasn't playing) and spoke for a while, about worship. Which was essentially a mini-message, and a great one at that. But nothing typical. And I loved it. Just praising God. Just drawing near and feeling Him. So very good.

I noticed something last night though, afterward at PM. I was giving Nick some hassle about having bailed on hanging out with me and I realized I was being a jerk. And it wasn't the first time. On Sunday I was unintentionally rude to Brittany a few times, and very recently I said something very hurtful to a dear friend of mine. So I've apparently lost a good deal of my gentility.

One of the things I've always loved about being tough, about being capable and strong, is that I was also very gentle and tender. But apparently that's gone out the window as of late. And looking back over the times in my life, I can readily say it has something to do with being in a relationship. Sucktastic.

So I think I've been doing something very wrong lately. I just don't feel right. I haven't had a private worship time in I don't know how long. I feel out of sorts. I can't even really explain it, but it was bad and it was pervasive. And so yesterday I was praying about it. I thought about Heather more yesterday than I have in the past month. All day, memories and pictures and all kinds of stupid crap.

I thought about how . . . about how delicate she is. And as a part of that how she really shouldn't be with me. And that's only by thinking about things I've seen as a part of my life. Going to funerals for teens you are sure didn't know Jesus. Seeing a step dad beat a little girl just because her father was black. Finding out a girl is dating an older guy who's trying to get her pregnant so she'll drop out of high school and marry him. And its not over . . . God has a long hard road ahead of me. And she wasn't made for this. Was anyone?

And there we go back and forth again. I want to be in a relationship with my wife. And yet I don't. I want to be completely aloof and oblivious to girls. Welcome to crazy town. Population: 1.

Still I can't really . . . I still think I know what God said . . . so long ago.

I think I was better off when things were harder. I could feel God so often, I was so reliant. Now I feel like I'm alone at the middle of the ocean. No thoughts are real, or even constant. There is no path, no destination. Just drifting.

So last night at Kairos the worship leader led us through a prayer time, with a theme structure (praise, thanksgiving, supplication). So as soon as he said thanksgiving my brain goes, "Thank you God having me meet Heather." I'm not even sure what to say here. Nothing seems to fit.

I haven't heard from God in about a week. I'd like to.

One thing from Kairos . . . between songs Anthony started talking. And he was talking about how he has been having to remind himself lately that his desires and his emotions do not set reality. God sets reality. What God says determines what is true. And nothing else.

I want to feel like I am doing something right.