Tempted for regret, living for His love

So its 2 am and I'm just eating dinner. I feel like I've only been home to sleep the last few days. Its almost like high school. I ended up leaving for church without eating, and then just kept going places with people, and then, while leaving Christin's house I grabbed some Nerds, which reminded my stomach how angry and empty it was. So hot dogs at 2 am it is.

All I can think right now is how good God has been to me lately. How good He is. The last two days have just been great.

Holy crap . . . I just had an idea, something that . . . if it happened it'd be far off. But its something God could be setting up. It'd be kind of crazy, but I wouldn't be totally opposed. Its reaching way back though, and it'd be pulling some amazing strings. Oh yeah, do you dig the ambiguity?

Its funny, early tonight, a few minutes ago, I was thinking of the tons of stuff I wanted to put into the blog, and now . . . I'm struggling to put anything down. But when I sat down, I really wanted to write. I wanted to do a post. Wanted to. Welcome to the new era.

So some of you may be wondering, what happened with Amber. I'm not gonna tell you . . . suckers.

Okay, fine.

I had trouble sleeping the night before last. I felt like I was awake the whole time. I was kind of excited for the next day and I was more than a little stunned at what God had said, about asking Amber on a date. I got up 30 minutes before my alarm was set to go off, after already going back to sleep twice.

I grabbed some breakfast and went outside to do a quiet time. After doing a little bit of reading and praying I decided to go for an answer. After my edict from the night before I was a little bit curious about the timing, so I prayed, asking God if I should ask her that day. I opened my Bible to Psalms. For certain reasons I'm withholding the specific reference, but rest assured the message was clear. "Yes today you big dummy."

I got over to Alissa and Dan's at 9 and was not surprised to find that they weren't quite ready. So I just chilled, and ended up talking to Amber for about 20 or 30 minutes, which was nice.

We finally get rolling and we lazily make our way down to the Pancake Pantry. The food was great, rivaled only by the company. Dan and Alissa are some of my favorite people. The more time I spend with them, the more I want to be friends with them. They are warm and inviting. They are considerate and giving and loving. They are funny and laugh easily. And Amber was there. She's sweet and engaging. Sometimes it seems she is quiet, but when she speaks there's no hint of self consciousness. She just commands attention. And she's really funny. I'd wager a lot smarter than she lets on. Not intentionally, she just doesn't need to throw it around.

After that we try to get lost on our way over to the Farmer's Market, and after Amber encouraged me take a police officer's gun, we were finally there. We walked around for quite some time, looking at all the fresh fruits and veggies. Looking at the stuff that was just supposed to look fresh. Going through the international market. Smelling herbs. and looking at flowers. There was one moment where I smelled this ripe little plumb. I called Amber over to smell it and held it out for her. Instead of taking it, she just leaned down and sniffed, my hands cupped, holding it right up to her. It was a really picturesque little moment.

But . . . I was so relaxed. There was this crazy juxtaposition of feelings. All day I was aware of what I had to do at some point. And yet . . . I wasn't nervous about impressing her. Heck I wasn't even nervous or striving for creating little moments like that. I wasn't nervous at all. I wasn't trying to get her to like me. Or really to find out a lot more so I could like her. I wasn't really trying to do anything. I was so very . . . relaxed. Honestly it . . . I could say it felt like we were actually dating. Walking around with another couple. And yet not. There was no pressure. I almost didn't feel any different than if I weren't attracted to her and didn't have to ask her out. I can certainly say I wouldn't have acted any different.

Once we got back everyone wanted to lay out by the pool, and Amber invited me to stay, so after a detour back to my house for my trunks, we hung out at the pool for a long time. All along I was planning on going to Kairos. And I was really looking forward to it. And then comes along this line of thinking.

See I took some time to think in the morning. God wanted me to ask her on a date that day, but I had say as to when and how. I just figured I'd recognize an opportune time and take it, but I made a decision that I'd wait, until I was leaving in some capacity. That way if she wasn't into the idea at all, she wouldn't have to be around me after I asked. I'd just leave and it would be fine.

But then she and Alissa convinced me (through not much coaxing) to stay for dinner and a movie. So I did.

After a fairly delightful little evening, where Dan and Alissa slept through most of the movie, we all got up and did late night post movie slugging around, Dan and Alissa working through some house duties. I kept waiting for a moment. Waiting to get some courage up. A separate moment. It didn't come. So eventually I just had to ball my courage up and ask Amber to step outside with me when I left. I said my goodbyes and she followed me out.

I got down to business quickly. "I'd like to take you out on a date while you're here. And I know you've got a lot going on right now with your family, and you're not here long, and you really want to spend time with Alissa, but I was praying last night and I have to do this."

And she said, "Yeah, okay, I'll ask Alissa about it." And so I left.

Now I left honestly feeling a little defeated. And still today I do some. She didn't seem excited at all, which I can't blame her for. And if so it must have been terribly awkward for her. I kind of feel like it was getting let down gently. And I've been tempted to feel bad about it. I've been tempted to regret putting myself out there like so. To wonder how awkward it'll be when she's hanging with my group of friends Friday, and Saturday, and Sunday. But then I remember. I didn't have a choice in the matter. I didn't sit down and decide to ask her out. If it was up to me I'd have never breathed a word. Its not the kind of guy I am. Good women, attractive, engaging Christian women terrify me. I can't ask them out. I can barely speak to them. But I didn't have a choice. So I just keep telling myself that.

So she didn't seem excited, and maybe she'll dodge it and it won't happen. But I have to say, that all that day she seemed to be digging me. There were glances, and moments. And when she'd ask me about things, she seemed interested. So all that made it easier to ask. I guess I just would've expected something from it then. Oh well, it wasn't my choice.

And I didn't think much about it today. I just went about my day. I did a fair amount of work for the Westmoreland project. I tried to figure out which racecar around here I'm going to steal for a night and take to the track. I had a good time with my friends at Cake. And then had a great time with some of them afterwards. And I made one of the best jokes I've had in a long time, perhaps ever. So good that if I ever make a comedy movie, I promise I'm ending it with the joke. And it was situational, so it wouldn't be funny here, but in the movie, it'd be a different joke. And my friends from tonight would laugh hardest, but other people would laugh, never knowing there was a whole other layer.

Anyhow, tonight I met some really cool people, including two people that are fairly big minor names in the entertainment world. And I realized tonight just how much I like this new life I've inherited. How glad I was to meet those people, and even a desire to be more a part of where they were.

But also as I talked to Jamie tonight I had a troubling thought. I'm not sure most of my friends right now are really friends. To me they are important and I want to spend time with them. But I can really only think of two people who have gone out of their way to spend time with me. And I'm not just trowing a pity party. I've been reaching out. It just makes you wonder.

Tonight as I was walking in the house I felt . . . I felt so me. I felt confident, I felt so fulfilled in how I'd spent my time, and what I was doing right that minute, and what I'd do the next few minutes. It was a wonderful feeling.

As I was settling down, something interesting happened. Through a chain of thought I said something bad in my mind about Heather, and then I chastised myself for it. And I had a thought. Getting told to fight, I always knew I wasn't assured where it would lead or what it was for, but maybe this was it. Just to keep myself from bitterness. To keep myself from making my scars worse, from putting up walls.

I'll say it. I'd really, really like to go on this date with Amber. And I will be disappointed when it doesn't happen.

But I can't regret any of it. I just did what God told me to.

I realized tonight, while I was driving the long way home, how true that's been for me lately. I can count my regrets from the past three months on one hand. Because I've been with God, and I've been listening. And all I've done, almost every single thing is just what He said. Just whatever He told me. I've just done it.

And I love living that way. It reminds me of this Disciple song, 'Bring the Heat':

"I don't want speak a word without your anointing [1 John 2:20]
I don't want to take a step without you in front [2 Chronicles 20:17]
I don't want to hear a voice unless it belongs to you [1 John 2:27]
I don 't want to make a choice that you don't want me to [Deuteronomy 30:19]

Bring it to me bring the heat [Matthew 3:11]"

I don't wanna live some other stupid way. I wanna live completely sold out.