"The easy way out"

I was inspired for the title by something a friend wrote in a blog, but I'll get to the real relevance later.

It's been a pretty crazy few days. Monday was . . . largely a blur, aside from going to play volleyball that night, which was a blast. Amber was there. I acted totally awkward. I think I should get an award of some sort.

Yesterday was great. After putzing around during the day (i.e. housework, music-writing and listening, reading, videogames, and 912 Park research), six of us met at church to go to Kairos together. And it was incredible.

The worship was fantastic. They did a number of songs I'd never heard, which can unfortunately throw off your groove, keep you from getting lost. Not last night. I was a goner. Just me and God.

The message was astounding. Mike read from 1 Corinthians 5:12-20 and talked about self worth. He talked about the price God paid for us and what that says about our value. And he placed special emphasis on what that worth means in terms of dating.

I'm glad to say that I've let loose a little lately and have been doing a lot of thinking. And indeed some of it has been about Amber. See I realized I was in a position where discovering what I wanted could actually help. I've gotten a few things that seem to be God telling me to pursue her, including one that was kind of over the top. But I realized yesterday that I need to have different standards. See I'm not sure if pursuing her is what I want, but I think there is actually some value in figuring it out, because it makes a difference as to what standards I use to determine God's will. See, if something lines up with what I want, then it requires more care, meaning more/bigger signs.

Anyhow, to totally put it out there, one of the things that inclines me to say no on the whole Amber thing is I don't feel like we're on equal footing spiritually. She is a believer, and she seems to have a heart that really desires God, but when I talked about successful prayer efforts and hearing God, she expressed it as a desire. Now this is all just my impression, and its not necessarily bad. I admit a part of me would like to play a role in her expanding faith experience. But I don't know what I want, and I don't know what my place is.

But I'm pretty sure that if I don't want to pursue her, I should be, because I've probably got enough weight behind a message from God in that case. And I kind of think that's the way things are. So I started thinking about why I was acting so weird around her. And outwardly I was really just trying to be accommodating. I didn't want her to feel pressure or attached because of the date. But indeed I think I erred on the wrong side. I don't think I properly expressed interest, or even cordiality.

And whether its God or just my own heart, I was just rejecting it all and looking for "the easy way out." To not have to deal with whatever was there. I'm irked by the irony of how often "the easy way" is anything but.

So tonight I was talking to Zane on the phone for a while and he was telling me about this girl he went on a date with, and mentioned she had an older sister, whom I asked about. He immediately asked me about Amber. And I told him, I don't know if I want to try and talk to her more to see if something develops, and partially in consequence, but much more importantly, I don't know what God wants.

But the real interesting thing about all of it is that I'm kind of in a dating mood now. Kind of. Part of me wants to wait until I'm more established. Until I have this completely self sufficient life that would make a more impressive presentation. "Here's my ministry(ies) and here's how God has made me/makes me capable for them." "Here's my job" "Here's my friends and my church" "Here's my relationship with God, and my out of control love for Him. Here's what it looks like when I worship. Stand beside me?"

But part of me wants to date. Likes the idea, likes the newness, the discovery. Too bad my standards are so high. And I have nowhere to meet anyone.

Tonight I was doing dishes (by hand) and I just realized. I'm really happy. I feel collected and appropriately confident. I want a girlfriend. I feel like I'm an offering instead of a taker now. And I'd like to share that. I'd like to have someone to care about at the end of the day, and have her return that.

On Monday night I did a private worship time, which was the first time in a while (stupid, I know). One of the things I read was the story where Jesus is anointed by a sinful woman while eating at a Pharisees house. Then tonight at CAKE Jenn referenced the same story. She also referenced the passage from Matthew where Jesus prays at the Garden of Gethsemane, which Aaron used on Sunday, for a different message. So that's two passages I've showing up twice in the same week.

CAKE tonight was about friendships, and about how to see and care for others. And I'm tempted to say this was just God wanting to get my attention for this listen. But two things strike me about this.

Firstly, it doesn't seem significant enough. I think I can safely say I'm not that far out on this lesson, so putting so much effort into getting my attention for this almost seems a waste. I feel like there's something bigger.

Secondly, I have to admit I'm a little disappointed. When I first noticed the corollaries I was rather amazed. But then I kind of felt let down. I still have all this need and desire in my life. I still have all these things I'd like God to provide clarity/direction/provision on. And He's "wasting" time on teaching me this goofy lesson I don't seem to need that badly. Don't You have better things to do with our time?

At the same time I know about lessons I still need to be learning right now. Discipline when things get better. Absence of fear. Perservernce. Trust.

On the way home from Stephen and Shandi's I was thinking about how I saw people. How I loved them. I realized I could do better, I've wanted to better for a while, but its not that I don't care. Its not that I don't love. Some of it is still having needs of my own, but what plays on that, and is more significant on its own, is that I care about the relationships themselves. I just can't seem to get all wrapped up in my friend's hopes and dreams, but I do want to hear about them, and pray through the hard times together. I want to be in their lives and have them in mine. But for me its more about the relationship itself. Maybe I'm just kidding myself.

One area I know I'm a terrible person is this: the other night Jenna and I were talking. I was telling her everything I could about Heather. About meeting, about getting together, about breaking up. I'm not sure how we got to it, but I told her I knew Heather would flip if she found out I'd gone on a date. And very unfortunately, a part of me wanted her to know, perhaps still does. What matters is the choice right?

The Lord is my shepard. He will take care of me.