Holy freaking amazing-explosion crapness (part 2)

It started Friday night, with this girl who goes to GodWhy. And then yesterday whith this girl I met. And then tonight, from a freaking billion places. Girls from my past and present and all this hooplah. Multiple girls I swore to myself I'd never ask out. I knew I shouldn't. But really, my urge to date is through the roof.

And when I think about it . . . yes I feel bad. But not like I'd be cheating. Like I'd be rebelling. This isn't about Heather, forget her. This is about God. That's why I'm fighting.

I've been listening emery all the freaking time the last few days, especially this one song called "Studying Politics," which is about the guy's girlfriend cheating on him, but except for one line is really applicable to any betrayal. And there's this one line. "You'd like to think that you're the best/ part of me, but I confess/ there is nothing left of you here." And sure as crap that's where I am. I was kind of there before the letter, but now . . . . This whole fighting thing has nothing to do with her. I don't think she's worth it. I don't want to. But God said it, so I'm doing it.

But that urge to date. Would it be so wrong? Alissa has a friend coming in to town soon, and I can only imagine how cute that girl will be. For reals. What freaking crap.

So anyhow, the letter did not ruin my Friday. I didn't even think about it the rest of the night. I just went and hung out and had an amazing night. Talking with and meeting people. Then sitting around the fire and doing more of that. And then singing songs from my tween and teenage years with the other older ones. So great. And I kept eyeing "girl who's name I don't know yet," and she was totally doing it to. Oh well right?

So I get home pretty late on Friday night but I decide to spend some time with God. And I'm praying and reading. And I ask God about this whole fight thing, and He takes me to Ezekial 2, which talks about taking a message to a rebellious people, and speaking regardless of if they listen. And then He takes me to Psalms, where the psalmsist talks about his enemy rebelling against God, not directly, but just because he attacked the psalmist. (You go after God's kids, you go after Him.) So then He leads me to 2 Chronicles 29, which talks about Hezekiah. And I read a little bit but I don't get much out of it.

So I close my Bible and open it again, this time to 2 Kings 19 . . . which is also about Hezekiah. So now I'm thinking . . . alright, I guess you wanted me to know this was for me and not just random. So in the story this king named Sennacherib wants to kill Hezekiah and destroy Judah and Jerusalem, and he sends Hezekiah a letter to that effect, part of which tells H not to be decieved by his god. And then verse 14-19:

"Hezekiah received the letter from the messengers and read it. Then he went up to the temple of the Lord and spread it out before the Lord. And Hezekiah prayged to the Lord: 'O Lord, God of Israel, enthroned between the cherubim, you alone are God over all the kingdoms of eath. You have made heaven and earth. Give ear, O Lord, and hear; open your eyes O Lord, and see; listen to the words Sennacherib has sent to instul the living God. It is true, O Lord, that the Assyrian kings have laid wase these nations and their lands. They have thrown their gods into the fire and destroyed the, for they were not gods but only wood and stone, fashioned by men's hands. Now, O Lord our God, deliver us from his hand, so that all kingdoms on earth my know that you alone, O Lord, are God."

And I knew it was for me. So I vowed to do it, I said to myself that soon I would have private worhsip time and I'd do what Hezekiah did.

Saturday was great. My mom and brother and I went down to this barbeque at the school for the bling in Donelson. Then I goofed around in the afternoon and then we had Jonathan's birthday party over at Dan and Alissas. Freaking fun as all get out. I laughed so hard.

I got up late but still made it to church early, so excited to be there and to worship and draw close to God. And worship was amazing. I had this undivided heart and just sang out and could feel God, so close and so loving. And Aaron's message was good and encouraging, again about Joseph and how God plans to prosper us. And then the prayer time at the end. And I felt God calling me, and low and behold I'd accidently slipped the letter into my Bible along with some other papers in the rush to leave.

So I took it up and spread it out on the stage (altar). I opened my Bible and read Hezekiah's prayer, personalizing it. Then I read the whole story 3 or 4 for times over and then just bowed my head and prayed.

And that was it. Nothing happened, no word from God. But I did what I was supposed to and I feel great.

Functionally the rest of the day was great. Little nap and some video games, lunch at Shane's with my moms. First young adults in the church's new space, which was a good time. We had some new people and really opened up and learned and enjoyed each other, a great time. Then some of us grabbed some food and went to see the new Terminator movie.

But today had even more crazy awesomeness. One line of Aaron's message pointed out how God took Joseph from a prisoner to the ruler of Egypt in an hour, and he said God could do that for us.

And then this after noon two amazing things happen. My brother tells me this woman who knows this guy Brian works for wants somebody to help her out the same way he does. So that's not a great opportunity, but its very solid.

And then I get an email from Jenn, the head of CAKE at GodWhy.

"Zack - Hi, It's Jenn from GodWhy. It has come to my attention that you have some experience with youth centers/ministries/shelters/events. So, I wanted to invite you on an adventure. A business man from our church lives in Westmorland and noticed a lack of activities for youth and young adults in the area. He has built a building to somewhat immolate Rockettown, and their ministry. He hired a director from CA, and he has done nothing and now has bailed, leaving this man with a building opening in two months, and no marketing, plans, contacts, touching base with principals, bands, etc.. No decor, paint, hours, or staff. Money is not the issue with this guy, and his heart is awesome, but he [needs help putting everything together]. So, last week I assembled a team to get EVERYTHING together over the summer and open in August. Yes, there are employment opportunities, but no promises. There is a great adventure though! If you are interested in giving input, or helping in any way let me know.
Jenn"

Bam!!! And just earlier in the day and yesterday I was struggling with wanting a purpose and adventure. And then . . . God is freaking crazy!!! And this opporunity is near perfect. I have experience with all that stuff and . . . just nuts man. Its far less solid but . . . it seems so possible. God is good.

Then when I get back tonight I have this great conversation with Jill. And with three good friends from high school I've been out of contact with for a long time, and I have plans to see them all sometime this week. See . . . holy freaking explosion of amazing.

So anyhow, pray for me dear friends. God is dangling these blessings, enough that they could crush me. He is so good!

Holy freaking amazing-explosion crapness (part 1)

Today definitely ranks as one of my top non-Young Life camp days ever. Just so freaking good. Its been a great weekend too. I wish every weekend could be more like this.

I'd been looking forward to Friday for a long time. GodWhy's young adult group, CAKE, was having a cookout. I'm not sure I can get across how excited I was to go and be a part of and get to meet some new people and get to know those people better.

Now a little primer for what comes next. I've still been dealing with feeling closed off and kind of dulled out. Like I'd turned my brain or my heart off to just get rid of everything. And I was watching the Simpsons, which I never watch because I haven't found it funny in years, but I was. And Homer prayed to God and asked him for a sign to tell him a particular thing. And then a guy puts out a sign that has the words Homer had just used. And I thought, wouldn't it be great if God would do something like that for me. And I hadn't really been struggling with any of this stuff, but still I just thought it would be nice. Really cut the confusion.

So on Friday I spend the whole day feeling manly because I did yard work and helped my brother burn this GIANT brush pile in the backyard. And I carried a log with a freaking chain. It doesn't get much better than that.

Later I worked out (don't ask where the energy came from) and went to Publix to get ingrediants to make this sweet mexi-dip I do (original recipe thank you very much). On my way back I look over to my left and see a church sign. I hate those freaking corny church letter signs, and that church is always bad. But without even making a decision I suddenly realize I've read their sign. And it said, "You can't celebreate victory until you've fought the battle." And I'm like, ha, that's funny cause . . . wait . . . what?

And still a part of me wants to chalk it up to coincidence and reading into things.

I am just a leaf in the wind.

Then I get home and find a small package from Heather. Inside is the ring I proposed with and a letter.

I got kind of worked up. I was so worried about reading it. I was so nervous I'd be really upset and it would ruin my night. At first I just set it aside and said I wasn't going to read it. I mean she sent the ring, I knew what it said. But I'm so curious, I just had to read it. And here's what it said:

"Zach,
I am sorry that it has taken me so long to write this. I am sorry for all the pain I have cause you. If I had only stayed true to my uncertainty, when you gave me the ultimatum of committing to marry you, and let you break up with me, none of this would've have happened. [Interjection by Zach: that is a little distorted, that is not what happened] But I was naieve, so naieve in the world of love. So I fought to keep you because I wanted it to work. But then I began to bury things and I lost myself. Zach if we are truely honest with ourselves then we can easily see how deeply unhappy we both were. You cannot say that it was for lack of a job that you were unhappy, or at least not the entirity of it. No, we are not compatible. Remember all our differences and remember and think on all my flaws but most especially on that one deep flaw that you saw in me, but would never tell me. It started as a fairy tale for me, but I must be completely honest, by January I was a shadow of myself and completely miserable, although it was buried so deep I didn't acknowledge it. I know you were too. So I cannot marry you, nor can we have any kind of relationship in the future. Release me from your heart. I want so much for you to be happy, successful and have a good life. God has the power and wants to heal and restore you. I am sorry that I have to block communication so completely, but it is necessary for us both to heal and move on in the new and separate ways God calls us.
Goodbye"

Let me preface everything I am about to say with this. I've struggled with this as I've been following Christ, but all my life I've been really, really good at getting to people. If I want someone to hurt, they will. I know what to say, I know what to do. Its a terrible gift. And I have to fight really hard to not do those things. When I first called Al and told him about all this, he said he knew I wasn't the type, but I shouldn't speak ill of her in case we got back together. And then God tells me to fight, and I can't speak against her. But this letter makes me want to. It makes me want to say all kinds of mean things. And do mean things. I even thought about resealing it in an identical envelope and mailing it back to look like I hadn't read it, because I know that would bake her noodle. And I know other things I could do. And my urge to bear my fangs is pretty severe. But I'm biting my tongue, even here.

What's amazing though, really amazing, is that it didn't bug me. Yeah I've gotten a little mad at her at times. And right afterwards I did ask God if I'd heard right in my prayer journal. But I really wasn't that upset. Almost as soon as I finished it I went downstairs and was laughing with my mom. And hasn't really come back since. I'm not burying it. I just don't care. It doesn't bug me. At all.

If God will reconcile us then everything she said doesn't mean crap. And if not . . . well . . . I just don't care. If not those words mean nothing.

Now I'm not going to say much about the letter, because I want your thoughts, but I'll say this. I'm not sure its genuine. Just read it two ways, one as she honestly believes everything, and one as her being so naive that she sent me an "its not you, its me" letter. Either way, there is this shifting reality of what the cause for all this is. Which is pretty funny . . . and sad.

Another thing I want to say is this. I think its abosolutely histerical how well I know that woman. You should all remember me saying recently how I got the urge to call and tell her how I really felt. Its because I knew that she'd take me contacting her the wrong way. The last day we talked she told me I was fighting for her because I just couldn't let go. How insulting. What would I do if I loved you? So when I called her that night, I knew what she'd think. That I was hurting and miserable without her and blah blah blah. And then she tells me to move on and ask God to heal me. And that part kind of bugs me. How dare she assume to know how I feel and where I've been. I've asked for that plenty. It makes me want to tell her how many times I've asked God if He was sure about her. How many times I've lamented over haivng to fight for her. And this letter went a long way in me complaining to God that she wasn't worth it. But despite that anger, its still funny that I knew that's what she'd think.

It makes me think, I have lamented hear about her not talking to me, but I've realized this is no different than when we were together. She never listened to me then either. Almost every time we had an argument or something, we'd have to go through at least 5 rounds of me restating myself because she heard who knows what.

So you all read and give me your impressions. And as for whether its genuine I really just meant the part where she focueses on her flaws instead of taking me to task. Either way . . . I think the letter is kind of pathetic. Sorry if that's too harsh, its just the way it is. She didn't even sign her name.

So tonight I was talking to Jill, who I seriously love dearly, and we were talking about the letter, and I told her something I'd been thinking for a while but this letter really solidifies for me. She doesn't mention God or prayer but once, and then only as a cultural invocation, just like politicians. "We're praying for you in this time." "We're praying for your future." "God bless America." Cultural religion. Meaningless.

My dog is dreaming right now, he is very quietly barking and growling. Hilarious.

Anyhow it brought me back to something that's been on my mind a lot. Christians need to quit approaching dating in this way. We need to quit weighing personality traits and compatabilities. We need to quit looking at mistakes and making them deal breakers. We need to pray. And then we need to listen. And whatever God says, that's it. No matter what. Just like anything else. We can be such idiots. I'm sure Hosea didn't want to marry Gomer, but he did as he was told.

Along the same lines, my urge to date is through the roof.