The Good Thing About Grace Is . . .

How would you finish that phrase? Think about it now.

I have ideas circulating in my head for messages/sermons, and I have previously refrained from sharing some of those thoughts here, but tonight I can't.

Tonight at CAKE we talked about the story of Noah's and his big boat. My attention was piqued because just today I began reading a book about the Ark of the Covenant.

Towards the close of the evening, a video talking a bit about TOMS (the shoe company) was played and offered as an answer to some pictures of barbarism and suffering that had been shown earlier. The idea was to get an initial picture of the wickedness of our generation given the opening of Genesis 6 where God decides to wipe humanity from the face of the earth. But Noah is righteous, so he is saved. And then TOMS was used as a corollary to Noah's righteousness. Indeed outright stating that God must be pleased with that picture in comparison to the awful things our age of humanity has produced.

I'm a supporter of GodWhy, both in principle and in practice. I believe in reaching out to seeker's and the un-churched and the anti-churched. But I'm about as theologically conservative as they come, to the point of clashing with traditionalism in some cases. Now those two things don't have to disagree. One of the great discussions of Young Life is the means of culturally relevant presentation of an unchanging message. That Christians must be willing to do whatever it takes to get people to hear the Good New. But if that news is changed, the mission becomes worthless. What's the point if the message changes. And I'm pretty sure a line was crossed tonight.

As soon as the video played alarm bells went off. I was concerned that this was the selected video as a display of modern righteousness. But I waited to see if more came of it. And then as the post video discussion happened, that's exactly where it went. In the end it only barely felt like anything having to do with a church. It felt more like a community organizing workshop or something. Not everyone, but here people were, including leaders, lauding the greatness of the deeds, without regard for the person's relationship with Christ. And that bugs the heck out of me. And scares me.

Just as I was figuring out what I could possibly say, the girl in front of me quickly jumps in and says it all so much better than I ever could have. She points out that salvation is not secured by works, and that it is faith in Christ alone which reinstates us with God. It was succint, it was not academic, it was diplomatic. And the response was that it was totally understandable to have that view. We're not talking about views. We're not talking about opinions. This is as basic as theological facts get. We screwed up. We're destined to die, but God comes and paves the way and says, "Please, turn around. I love you. Just come back."

In 2005 a team of researchers from the University of North Carolina at Chapil Hill's National Study of Youth and Religion released their findings. The most important finding was that most teens, while self-identifying as Christians, were indeed not. Most teens actually ascribed to a new cultural religion called "Moralistic Therapeutic Deism." An excellent article describing this religion and the reactions to the study can be found here. Why is this relevant? Firstly because I was just discussing this very idea last night with Rachel and Nick and Katie. We got to talking about our parents religions beliefs and how much their own theological smorgasbording, when combined with relativism and universalism and social justice theory, gave rise to this new religion. While not practitioners themselves, our parents birthed this beast. Jerks.

MTD is identified by five main points, two of which are significant to our discussion. Number 3 is that "the central goal of life is to be happy and to feel good about oneself." and number 5 is that "good people go to heaven when they die."

The last of these is an odd amalgamation of universalism and works based salvation. "Yes there is a God, yes there is a heaven. And everyone is welcome. If you're good, you get in."

And here it comes. A big ole load of truth. MTD is full of crap. Universalism is impossible to Biblically support, and works based salvation is only slightly less so. Put them together (i.e. MTD) and you're just rolling around in a big load of . . . well . . . you know.

Tonight during Transformers, there was a part where Shia LeBeouf's character says that he knows something will work, and when questioned why he respons, "Because I believe it will." or something like so. Then the music swells and the scene changes is. And Hollywood establishes the shifting recreation of truth based on belief as truth.

And I'm here with happy news. Truth is not subjective. At best, truth with a little "t" can be perspective based, but even a relative difference in what two people consider as cold will not change whether or not the temperature is actually so. And the bigger the "T", the bigger the Truth, the less flexible it is. And no matter how much Christianity wants to appeal to outsiders, or even that Christians want to not deal with hard truths. They are what they are. Or I supposed we could believe that 2,000 years of tradition, based on thoughts and writings of Jesus' contemporary's and their intellectual descendents did not indeed produce truth. I'm sure Brian McLaren has finally really stumbled on the truth.

The worst part, the worst part about this, is that we're not even changing for the better. There's a part of me that understand's the alternative possibility of leavign out information that may put off certain people. I can understand and agree with not touching on certain subjects or ideas until someone already has a certain amount of faith. But the problem here is that covering up this truth, or even worse, changing it, does not improve anything. It destroys.

At the creation of the world, we, people, were so close with God we could walk with Him daily. Every single day we were in His physical presence, which is impressive considering all matter and time and space are dependent on Him, so His physical presence is really only an interpretable projection. Nevertheless, we were there. And then despite having no reason to doubt or disobey God, we break the one and only rule there is. And in doing so, place ourselves in a state of separation from God known as "Sin", with the accompanying symptoms of "sin".

And a works based salvation, universalist or not, paints a picture of a God saying, "well . . . there you are. You're welcome back . . . if you can make it." We think we are doing Christianity or humanity a service by casting the light as,"dont' worry what you believe, just be good."

But the truth is so much more beautiful.

The good thing about grace. The beautiful thing about grace, is that we chose to seperate ourselves from God. We wronged Him. And instead of leaving us there, or telling us to make our way back. He comes running and screaming. He comes scrambling out of heaven to fix our mistakes.

The beautiful thing about grace is that God says, "I love you so much that I refuse to leave you where you are. I'll do all the work. Just accept me."

The beautiful thing about grace is that it means God came down out of heaven, to climb into the mud and experience every terrible thing man could create. To bear its weight. Because He loved you so much He couldn't stand to be away from you.

And every time that hammer fell upon those nails, it was your face that He saw. Whispering, "this is for you my beloved."

You cannot earn a love this grand.

The beautfy of God's gift of grace, is that because we can't earn it, we don't have to.

He takes care of everything, even though its our fault. And all we have to do, is stretch our arms out, and accept it.

And how much better, how much more beautiful, how much more loving, is that, than the idea of "being good."

We can't do such a thing. But that's okay. We don't have to.

Our debt has been paid.

And you can't earn a love that grand.

Did we just go in a giant circle?

Just got back from Transformers (super b-a) and Josheb and I are chilling together.

I got talking to Brian online, which is always good because it centers me back around on that virtue I treasure and strive for so dearly, but can so easily lose. Honesty. And where it goes easiest, inside. I just quit examining, quit being introspective. And suddenly I end up somewhere I didn't want to be.

I know I need to write a blog post. I know I haven't done it in about a week. I know that's not good for me, and its not fair to you all. I know I have a lot to say. I also know that its all getting stuck, and I'm having trouble writing. And I know that I should go to bed, because its already late, and its gonna be a long weekend.

Part of it, part of what makes it so easy to go on, is the lack of feedback. I have a rough idea of how many people are reading this, some very regularly, some with more casual interest, but the amount of feedback I get is sparse. Really people, part of the whole point of this for me is that its easier than covering the same ground multiple times. This is a conversation. Emails?

Holy crap, I actually had to go back and read my last post to remember how long it'd been. Well nutsors. I could have sworn I wrote something after that. It would help if the date weren't wrong, I wrote that on Wednesday, what's the deal Blogger.com? Are you tired?

Thursday was a trip. Literally and figuratively. I got up way early and was still running late. So I drive to White House (see: the other side of the earth) to pay a bill for my mom and then rush back to GodWhy to print some stuff and meet the people for the meeting, who it turns out can't go. So I leave late and head up to Westmoreland, by myself. Not the plan, but its okay.

I think its safe to say the meeting went very well. The educators and adminstrators Phil and I met with seemed very receptive to the idea of 912 Park, and were very helpful in terms of offering ideas and sharing what they saw in Westmoreland. I've gotten a few reports back that everyone else thought it went well to, so kicken. Phil and I then went over to Park to meet Jenn and Lauren to go over the interior paint colors.

Skipping the rest of the play-by-play, we'll just cover importantness. On Friday I went to a party with an old friend of mine, which was pretty heartbreaking. Admitedly humorous at points. It reminded of this thing about myself, where sometimes I make jokes for no one else, and I think they're pretty good.

Saturday was a lonely day, which came into heavier play on Sunday.

Sunday was . . . interesting. Church was . . . interesting. The worship itself felt disjointed for me. I just couldn't get into it. Couldn't let go. And I had the hardest time paying attention during the message. The afternoon was interesting, but I can't remember why.

Sunday night was . . . just curious. A number of people were missing, which was understandable given that it was Father's Day. But there was a far more pressing thing on my mind. I felt terribly out of place. The whole time Dan was teaching (Aaron was spending time with his family because of some busy weeks and traveling), I just felt . . . like I was in the wrong place. Like I wasn't wanted there. And it extended out from that. I won't give details, but when I left that night, I was discouraged about every single friendship I've formed at CIL. On the way home I was making a list of other churches I could reasonably try out, and come up with very little. But that's how bad it was. And it hasn't really gotten any better.

Part of it is this interminable phenomena of couples spending every single second of free time together. Good gosh what's the deal. In some ways it makes sense, because there aren't more significant friendships there, and I'd probably do the same thing were I in their situation. But its just not good for anybody.

So here I am, suddenly terribly unhappy with my friendships from my church, acutely aware of how little I mean to those people, and seriously wondering if I'm getting fed from any of my spiritual connections. The combination of things left me with an intense desire for brotherhood. For friendships in general, but specifically for some good, deep, and preferably multi-sourced brotherhood. But I'm just boggled as to how this could happen. I've been aware, but been recently reminded of how much spiritual depth I feel is lacking from CIL. Which means the friendships that were forming don't go where they should, and dissolve. And really I don't know many guys from GodWhy that I can see myself hanging out with as much as I had been with the CIL people. And I'm not sure I know anybody that I feel comfortable, or even on plane with, to really go deep with them. This is not a good position.

Monday and Tuesday were really just more of the same. Dealing with those feelings, and with others. Tuesday night, however, was great.

Kairos was incredible. The worship was stellar, just picking me up and carrying me away. And Mike's message was as good as ever. And yet I had trouble paying attention. I had trouble taking notes. Its like . . . I don't even know what its like. But I think something is wrong with me. The closing worship, however, was unbelievable. Once they gave the dismissal . . . nobody left. Imagine the spirit of God, the power of the worship experience, the joy of a church, where people don't leave when its over. Where they stay at their seats and say, "no, we're here to worship. And we intend to." And so it went on.

And when I got home, I felt it. I felt that I'd grabbed hold of more life. That I'd pulled my head above water for air.

But today it was gone. And it should have been. I should be living by the vine. But . . . I think I've ended up in a bad place. I'm reading everday. I'm praying everyday. I haven't missed a day in the Bible or my prayer journal for 3 months, and yet . . . I know that these last few days . . . I haven't been where I've needed to.

Case-in-point: I'm pretty sure God is trying to get my attention. My mp3 player broke on Thursday and has had to be sent off for service. I've been feeling restless. I've had other avenues of attention stripped. I've had some things go wrong. And after more than a week of nothing, I've dreamt every night for the last three nights. Two dreams each night. Always two. But I haven't even kept a record of them.

I know Sunday night was some sort of fight scene, that felt so very real, and then a dream of sitting with Heather, talking about everything, with her being angry.

I don't remember the dreams from last night, but Monday night's dreams are of particular concern.

There was another fight scene dream. At the end of it, everything changed. I was standing face to face with a lovely young lady. A slender blonde in a purle shirt. She stepped towards me and I took a step back, falling over as she fell on top of me, and then she leaned in to kiss me. Before I fell I asked her what her name was. And she told me.

So then on Tuesday night, at Kairos, while we're leaving I see a girl in the crowd I think I recognize, so I peer through the heads to get a second look. She's blonde, wearing a purple shirt, and I've seen her face before.

And I didn't go and ask her what her name was.

What the heck?! What's my deal? Why do I feel so funky and out of sorts? I thought I was pursuing. I've been to at least 2 and usually 3 church services every week for 3 months. In that same time I've been daily in the Bible and my pj, and I've been better about praying over a longer period than I've ever been. So how the flying flip did I get here? What's going on?

So what about girls? And what can't I ever quit worrying about that? Because my wife is out there somewhere, and I miss her terribly. I'm daily reminded of my desire for her, and the things I am looking forward to. I cannot wait to bow down and worship with you. I cannot wait to speak so softly and tenderly in your ear.

God has given me no direction with Amber, which probably is a direction. And I'm totally okay with that. But I can't seem to let go of desire. Part of me wants to go really old school and starting asking people, "hey, know anyone who'd be interested in guy like me? Anyone I'd be interested in?" Dear God, why don't you just get this over with?

On the upswing, the last few days have been very good for my self-esteem, for reasons I cannot easily identify. I'm an offering and I know it. I know what I'm worth. Not as a matter of pride, hardly, simply true humility. The admission of the bad, with the recognition of the good.

What is the Lord teaching me . . . well I'm glad you asked, I'd like to devote another post to that. So as I close this one, let me just say I don't think this is well written. I think it is choppy and incomplete. I think I touch on grand ideas I should probably expand on. I think I've left things out. That's what I get for starting late after going a week without writing.