The Truth Of It

Heather,

I'm not entirely sure what to say. To some extent it doesn't matter, for you will never read these words. But it does, because . . . somehow, I want you to hear them. To know my heart as you once did.

All worldly wisdom tells me to give up. Tells me to let go and move on. But God's promises are not for yesterday, or even today. They are forever.

Every promise God has ever made to us, everything He has ever said to us, everything He has done points to us being together. Answers He gave you before we met, answers He gave me. Things He whispered to us from your mouth, which I had to interpret. And since . . . the other night with Hosea.

My dear Heather, because of these promises God made, I made promises to you. I told you, "I love you." And more than a feeling, that is a promise. It says no matter what, I am sticking by you. I will not leave. I will not forsake. I will never give up.

Heather, I screwed up. I utterly failed to maintain my relationship with God. I let Him slip from me. The truth of it is that the man you fell in love with, the man you agreed to marry; you loved him. And that was me. But I let go, I became something else, and I'm sorry. But who I was . . . that was real. It is written into my prayer journal, it still resides in my heart. Here is an excerpt from my prayer journal:

" God You are so good. how great is Your care. Your watch and protection and providence.
Thank You God, for bringing me to this place. Surely it is how You deliver restoration in all. To be restored to sonship by Christ's blood. To be restored in heart with my lovely Heather. To be restored in purpose through your promises of work. You are so good God. MY God.
keep me near. Strengthen my heart as I hear it, that I might bear the weight. Keep your lessons of love on my heart, that I may never forget. Bless me Father. Your son seeks You."

I wrote that the morning of the day I told you I loved you for the first time.

Heather the truth of it is that I love you deeply and dearly and tenderly. And you have been imminently aware of this in the past. You used to speak of how much and how well I displayed my love. Whatever you have felt of me recently, remember this, my love for you was and is and will be true. Had I known . . . Heather had I known I would have done anything. I would do anything for you. I will do anything for you.

You have known my heart, and the depth and breadth of my love for you. I want to show you my heart again. The truth of how I love and desire the Lord. The truth of my warrior's heart that is strengthened to fight lies and insecurities.

I want no one else. I don't want to be with another woman alone on my wedding night. I don't want to wake up to someone else 40 years later. I don't want to spend a night in the hospital praying over my child holding another woman's hand. I don't want to be with some woman who doesn't say "Lord love a duck" when she's cold. And who doesn't love trees and Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings and children's literature.

Heather . . . let me win your heart again.

How do I feel?

Jesus is on the throne.

I've been telling myself this all day . . . and I'm still just not feeling it. Every hour feels like a struggle. I miss my fiancee, my best friend, the woman I love. Knowing Jesus is on the throne, knowing the promises he has made; the end result of this is that I still miss her. I still want to speak to her, to hear her enchanting laugh, to smell her, to feel her silky hair against my fingers. I was planning something else for this post, but it is quickly turning into a love letter, for my absent love, who will not read it, and would not care if she did.

I kept busy today. I did everything I could think of. And here I am, the end of another day and I feel I have no purpose. It seems as though God is seriously intent on me not settling. Every effort I pursue here ends poorly. My home has been taken away, and He seemingly refuses to give me a new one. But alas, He is on the throne. If only that meant I didn't have to sigh.

All day, actually even since yesterday I was excited about tonight. I was going to find people my age and establish myself here. I was going to find community. And there was none. No group, only an out of date web page that led me astray. Too late to go anywhere else, even if there were somewhere else to go. But it just feels this place is not for me. So what?

I can't help but think with all the promises He has made that there is a reason; that this is temporary. But what is next? He knows, because He is on the throne. Whatever it is I am praying He delivers me quickly.

It seems I have misjudged what is going on here though. There is purpose for me here and now. He is shaping me and molding me, He is working in me. God is good.