Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet (part 2)

"So when did you figure it out?"

Well, as I already said, I don't know.  But . . . I do remember on Monday, being over at Jeff's and just, feeling like a total passenger.  Feeling like I wasn't really there but I was watching someone else be there.  A very odd feeling.

"Do you know why you were under attack?"

No.  Due to the speed and severity with which it arrived I'd sure say it had to do with something I had started doing.  The only two possibilities aren't things I'd like to attribute it too.  One of them is the whole thing of still fighting for Heather, which I can't really sell myself on the idea of that being it because at every turn I just keep telling myself that's just my own desires talking.

And it sucks how I'll be sitting around and have these wonderful memories leap to mind, and then recall I shared them with her.  And how I'll just think of great things about her, like how she'd say or do something.  And I felt happy.  That's crap.  I can't feel that way.  I shouldn't.  And I pray and nothing.  And I just keep telling myself, this is loss, this is grief, this is mourning, this is a broken heart wanting someone back.  But it just feels like love.

I want to get my face punched in.  I want a black eye and a bloody nose.

"You know that sounds insane right?"

Yeah.  Its like . . . I think its like . . . I hate the fact I feel that way, or think I do about her.  So I want to punish myself for it.  Hope it gets wiped out.  Cause until I know what's real I just want to live like nothing's there.  Like I don't have a heart, at least not for anyone but the lost and my friends.

"So what about the comment?"

Right, that.  Well, on the real I was kind of irked over it.  You really have to understand that I have a fairly sharp wit, and I've struggled a lot with how that fits in my new creation, because mainly how it comes out is wanting to make mean comments.  And by and large its gotten really great over the last 6 years.  But when stuff like that happens I just want to tear someone to shreds.  Its tough.

I don't know who left it, but I've got an idea, not that it matters.  Based on the phrasing I'm pretty sure its a girl.

But here are my reflections:

Calling me self-centered in regards to the points you make brings up a fairly troubling trend in modern church discussion.  It has become fairly common in the more with-it Christian circles to speak of the incorrectness of being dissatisfied with the particulars of church services.  Mike Glenn, who I respect greatly theologically, even made comments a few months ago about the improper nature of approaching worship with a "What did I get?" mentality which is closely related to this question of whether someone "gets something" out of a pipe organ or electric guitar church service.  But I find this kind of reflection far out of place.  Yes worship is an offering.  But its also part of the systematic discipline of maintaing spiritual health.  If you're not getting something out of worship, you're not encountering God.  If you're not encountering God you're not growing spiritually.  And if you're not growing spiritually, you are in the wrong place.  Geographically (particular church) or personally (personal disciplines - quiet times and prayer).

 I never complained that the churches I was involved in weren't meeting my needs in general.  Rather I expressed some concern that a very real need of my spiritual health was not being met and I was considering ways to address that.  I've had hardly anything but praise to give the churches I've been a part of since I started going there, especially in regards to the worship and preaching at the two churches where I attend those services.

And I'd hardly call looking at something like that self-centered.  I can't imagine calling someone who was concerned with having a well balanced and healthy diet self-centered.  And eating is a time-honored and common spiritual metaphor.  Is it really self-centered for someone to be worried about being well fed, physically or spiritually?  Is someone wrong for wanting to make sure their church community is a place where they are being fed spiritually?

I think the church would do well to take a more introspective look at the "What did I get?" question.  Because that's what the church is there for.  To be a community of believers spurring spiritual growth and the spread of the gospel.  If someone isn't getting anything out of church, its not working.  But it could be their fault.

And I have struggled lately with not being active in ministry.  It has weighed on me and I've spent some good time praying about where I needed to be, and whether I was ready.

It seems to me that one of the many terrible products of the social justice gospel movement has been a focus on out-centric faith.  If you love Jesus, you have to go do.

I used to tell me Young Life leaders, and then my church volunteers:  "If you're not spiritually healthy, if you haven't gone to church this week, and done quiet times, and been in prayer for these kids, don't bother showing up.  God and I don't need you.  We're better off with 3 people overflowing with God's love than 10 people who just wanted somewhere to feel important."

And that's the real point there.  You, along with many people, feel you've stumbled on this obviously higher plane of spiritually enlightenment because you bring up the very important point of servitude.  Of offering back time and talents.  But I'm sick of 60% turn over rates with church ministries because people show up to serve, and haven't made sure they have anything to give.  We need to be producing a mature church that understands missions, serving, ministry are down out of the overflow of our relationship with Christ.  We have to be fed to be of any use.  And I'm not sure I'm ready.

Along the same lines, I think churches would do well to take a more systematic approach to participation.  The value of letting new people get involved cannot be overstated, but having people rush into ministries without knowing if they really fit there is not smart.  Its damaging to sociological stability and it is ultimately a waste of time.  Now this is clearly all from a leadership standpoint.  From a participant perspective the only limitations should be ministry borders (i.e. young adults in a young adult ministry, teens in a student ministry).  But as far as leadership is concerned, some sort of graduated or step-in program seems to make far more sense.

The previous issue of spiritual health in regards to ministry leadership is prone to a huge issue known as "burnout".  And when the issue of rush entrance into leadership is added, we end up with an ineffective and ultimately unloving system.

In the early church people served as candidates for two-three years learning Christian theology and history until they could undergo baptism and become members.  And that was in the 2nd century.  I'm not saying we need something like that, but . . . we need to really look at these things.  Spiritual health, and proper use of gifts in regards to leadership in ministry are huge issues in churches.  And they are far more real than "enlightened" grumbling about self-centered mentalities.

Lastly, since you posted your concerns in public, without leaving your name, my ultimate conclusion is heartache.  You obviously weren't truly concerned for my spiritual well being and whether or not I was acting out of step with the path I've chosen.

And that's enough of that.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?"

Yeah, lets face it.  I think this post started out well, but now I'm exhausted, and surely I forgot to say most of what I meant to, most of what was important.  And what I did say I'm sure I did not get across properly.

The important thing is that I'm back on the wagon right.  I'm writing.  I know I need to step things up spiritually.

Let's see how tomorrow goes.

Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet (part 1)

In the grandest tradition of works like Dostoyevsky's The Brothers Karamazov, and as a way to take a minor structure detour for the sake of breaking up monotony, today's post is presented as a conversation.  The unnamed and unrepresentative will be in quotations and bolded, while my responses will appear without.

 

"Where is the title from?"

The title is a Relient K that I've been almost completely incapable of not listening to the last few days.  There is something in it.  It could be the incredibly poignant nature of the lyrics in relation to STILL relevant events in my life.  Maybe.

"So, before we get meaty, what are you planning on re-opening with?"

Well, what do I say now?  How do I write a blog post?  There are things to be said, for sure.  But its been so long.  And while there are things, its like none of them are worth saying.  That'll come up again later, I'm calling it now.

But I'm doing it.  Here I am writing again, after nearly two full weeks.  So, why?  Well apparently taking such a long hiatus from cataloging a rather dull period of existence, at least outside my head, qualifies as grounds for a death threat.  And a death threat is, I believe, sufficient motive to do something so simple as writing a blog post.  So part of the answer is found there, that on the same day multiple people contacted me to see what had happened.  And the other is, if I don't do it, I don't know when I will.  So we hop back in.

"Now that I've asked the questions out of sequence to satisfy for your obsessive need for "proper" structure, let's ask the real, burning question:  What did you have for dinner?"

Ha, well at first it was junk food over at Jeff's, but I got proper with left-over Sicilian style pizza at near midnight with some apple slices and caramel.  Thanks for asking.

"Okay, really though, why has it been so long since you've posted?  Where have you been?"

Wow, well . . . the simple answer?  Busy.  No, really.  My family has decided to renovate the room above the garage, which has meant work days sometimes in excess of 12 hours, in an atmosphere actually worse than being outside, while we were having 90 degree days.  Add in a reading streak that included polishing off three 600+ pages books in 2 days, and so much page turning two of my fingers actually turned black, and you start to get the picture.  Add in regular jaunts with the movie club (now over sadly) and Kairos, with a racing venture on Friday night and an ill-conceived party attendance on Saturday and you've got a good picture.  The good news is that the party yielded a fantastic quote:

"C'mon, Zach, let's take off your pants and dance."

"Please don't touch me." - delivered as serious as I could manage

"Haha.  Really?"

Um, yeah.  But you probably shouldn't ask questions like that.

"Why?"

Well, seeing as how you are a figment of my imagination and therefore you already know the answer, its kind of a waste of time.  So we can just streamline everything by knocking off questions like that.

"But questions like that help "sell the sizzle" of this presentation method that is my entire reason for being used.  I mean, that's what makes it real."

*uncomfortable silence while staring ensues*

I wish I had imagined someone significantly less annoying than you.

"So did you know this girl?"

Yes, we hooked up in high school.  No, I really did not want her touching me.

Being chaste and a non-drinker made me quite the oddity that night, so much so I thought of charging admission to see me.  Yet there must of been some sort of odd appeal.  Dave ended up making me a sign that said "celibate" to keep me from unwanted attention.  Though I imagine most of those girls would have trouble with that word sober.  Why did I go?

"Great question, consider it asked."

pcchhh.  Evangelism.  Boredom.  A friend asked me to DD and was too cheap to spring for me to go watch a movie.

What's really important is that it demonstrates something I talked about with Nick the other day, which is my utter inability to meet someone in whom I'd be interested without the intervention of Christ.  See the paradoxical puzzle is this:  I'm outgoing, but typically standoffish with girls, call it intimidation, fear of rejection, call it I'm just not the go start talking to a random girl type.  I did it in high school all the time, but since I started following the Lord, well, ya know, personality overhaul.  Heather's the only girl I've ever done that with.  Those two Heathers from 4th of July weekend, they both started talking to me.

So the paradox is, I'm not the type to approach girls, certainly not at random and only marginally more so when I do know them.  And the kind of girl I am interested in, is actually something of the shy/initially quiet type, so it stands that any girl who approaches me, is not what I'm going for either.  And there's the paradox.

And yet none of that matters.  Because I know where it ultimately comes from, but I don't know how I ultimately feel about that whole area of my life.  Yeah, I started looking for something from God last week.  Don't feel like I got much out of that.  And internally, as bad a compass as that tends to be, I have no idea.  Sometimes I feel I can't wait for something to happen.  Sometimes I can't stand the idea of being with anyone, even though its in an obvious abstract.  And sometimes I can't imagine loving anyone more than I still love Heather.  What a load of crap.

"Going way far back though, you said that was the simple answer.  What's the complicated one?"

Well . . . it kind of goes like this.

There was a very odd collusion of events.  After my last post I did Kairos the next day, blah, CAKE the next night, with some odd news that's really been more of a roller coaster than the amazing news it should have.  So that night or the next I realize someone had left this fairly disagreeable comment on a recent post of mine.

I talked to the venerable Brian about it, who gave typically sage advice, "pray about it, see if there's any truth in the criticism, then deal with that."  Brain's so great.  I tell him the things I can't tell you people.

Then that weekend I put on my big girl panties and went on the CIL young adult whitewater rafting trip.  Yes, I had a great time.  No, I'm still not sure I feel like a part of things there.

The whole way down for some reason I was contemplating the abstract of having a significant other, and I couldn't stand the idea.  It sounded like such an annoyance.  The idea of having to talk to someone regularly.  Of being open like so, of gentle and vulnerable and dependable.  Of constant and shared.  Of so many other things.  Made my skin crawl.  And then that night, Nick and Jonathan and I stayed up til past 4 talking, like some middle school girls.  And it was an amazing time.  And I wanted someone in my life.  And none of those feelings really count for much.  Which is good, because they don't make any sense.  But then again, this is me we're talking about.

So then Sunday I think was when things actually broke.  For reasons I choose not to expound on, I ended Sunday in a pretty funky mood.  And despite a great time at Kairos on Tuesday, I couldn't seem to shake it.  And at some point, I'm not even sure what day, it hit me.

You sir, are not alive.

I was retreating from all human relationships.  I was completely devoid of any introspection, leaving all of my thoughtlife unexamined.  I was passing through days without ever feeling like I accomplished anything, wondering what had happened.  Feeling curtained off from life.  Feeling drawn toward sin.  Completely uninterested in reading the Word or praying.  And all that still doesn't quite describe the full measure.  I just knew.

This is what it feels like to be dead.

I was under spiritual attack.  And I never even saw it.  And I certainly wasn't ready.  And to be honest I still haven't dealt with it properly, more just recognized it.

"Wow, that's pretty serious."

Are you still here?

"This is running long, lets take a break and start another post."