Did we just go in a giant circle?

Just got back from Transformers (super b-a) and Josheb and I are chilling together.

I got talking to Brian online, which is always good because it centers me back around on that virtue I treasure and strive for so dearly, but can so easily lose. Honesty. And where it goes easiest, inside. I just quit examining, quit being introspective. And suddenly I end up somewhere I didn't want to be.

I know I need to write a blog post. I know I haven't done it in about a week. I know that's not good for me, and its not fair to you all. I know I have a lot to say. I also know that its all getting stuck, and I'm having trouble writing. And I know that I should go to bed, because its already late, and its gonna be a long weekend.

Part of it, part of what makes it so easy to go on, is the lack of feedback. I have a rough idea of how many people are reading this, some very regularly, some with more casual interest, but the amount of feedback I get is sparse. Really people, part of the whole point of this for me is that its easier than covering the same ground multiple times. This is a conversation. Emails?

Holy crap, I actually had to go back and read my last post to remember how long it'd been. Well nutsors. I could have sworn I wrote something after that. It would help if the date weren't wrong, I wrote that on Wednesday, what's the deal Blogger.com? Are you tired?

Thursday was a trip. Literally and figuratively. I got up way early and was still running late. So I drive to White House (see: the other side of the earth) to pay a bill for my mom and then rush back to GodWhy to print some stuff and meet the people for the meeting, who it turns out can't go. So I leave late and head up to Westmoreland, by myself. Not the plan, but its okay.

I think its safe to say the meeting went very well. The educators and adminstrators Phil and I met with seemed very receptive to the idea of 912 Park, and were very helpful in terms of offering ideas and sharing what they saw in Westmoreland. I've gotten a few reports back that everyone else thought it went well to, so kicken. Phil and I then went over to Park to meet Jenn and Lauren to go over the interior paint colors.

Skipping the rest of the play-by-play, we'll just cover importantness. On Friday I went to a party with an old friend of mine, which was pretty heartbreaking. Admitedly humorous at points. It reminded of this thing about myself, where sometimes I make jokes for no one else, and I think they're pretty good.

Saturday was a lonely day, which came into heavier play on Sunday.

Sunday was . . . interesting. Church was . . . interesting. The worship itself felt disjointed for me. I just couldn't get into it. Couldn't let go. And I had the hardest time paying attention during the message. The afternoon was interesting, but I can't remember why.

Sunday night was . . . just curious. A number of people were missing, which was understandable given that it was Father's Day. But there was a far more pressing thing on my mind. I felt terribly out of place. The whole time Dan was teaching (Aaron was spending time with his family because of some busy weeks and traveling), I just felt . . . like I was in the wrong place. Like I wasn't wanted there. And it extended out from that. I won't give details, but when I left that night, I was discouraged about every single friendship I've formed at CIL. On the way home I was making a list of other churches I could reasonably try out, and come up with very little. But that's how bad it was. And it hasn't really gotten any better.

Part of it is this interminable phenomena of couples spending every single second of free time together. Good gosh what's the deal. In some ways it makes sense, because there aren't more significant friendships there, and I'd probably do the same thing were I in their situation. But its just not good for anybody.

So here I am, suddenly terribly unhappy with my friendships from my church, acutely aware of how little I mean to those people, and seriously wondering if I'm getting fed from any of my spiritual connections. The combination of things left me with an intense desire for brotherhood. For friendships in general, but specifically for some good, deep, and preferably multi-sourced brotherhood. But I'm just boggled as to how this could happen. I've been aware, but been recently reminded of how much spiritual depth I feel is lacking from CIL. Which means the friendships that were forming don't go where they should, and dissolve. And really I don't know many guys from GodWhy that I can see myself hanging out with as much as I had been with the CIL people. And I'm not sure I know anybody that I feel comfortable, or even on plane with, to really go deep with them. This is not a good position.

Monday and Tuesday were really just more of the same. Dealing with those feelings, and with others. Tuesday night, however, was great.

Kairos was incredible. The worship was stellar, just picking me up and carrying me away. And Mike's message was as good as ever. And yet I had trouble paying attention. I had trouble taking notes. Its like . . . I don't even know what its like. But I think something is wrong with me. The closing worship, however, was unbelievable. Once they gave the dismissal . . . nobody left. Imagine the spirit of God, the power of the worship experience, the joy of a church, where people don't leave when its over. Where they stay at their seats and say, "no, we're here to worship. And we intend to." And so it went on.

And when I got home, I felt it. I felt that I'd grabbed hold of more life. That I'd pulled my head above water for air.

But today it was gone. And it should have been. I should be living by the vine. But . . . I think I've ended up in a bad place. I'm reading everday. I'm praying everyday. I haven't missed a day in the Bible or my prayer journal for 3 months, and yet . . . I know that these last few days . . . I haven't been where I've needed to.

Case-in-point: I'm pretty sure God is trying to get my attention. My mp3 player broke on Thursday and has had to be sent off for service. I've been feeling restless. I've had other avenues of attention stripped. I've had some things go wrong. And after more than a week of nothing, I've dreamt every night for the last three nights. Two dreams each night. Always two. But I haven't even kept a record of them.

I know Sunday night was some sort of fight scene, that felt so very real, and then a dream of sitting with Heather, talking about everything, with her being angry.

I don't remember the dreams from last night, but Monday night's dreams are of particular concern.

There was another fight scene dream. At the end of it, everything changed. I was standing face to face with a lovely young lady. A slender blonde in a purle shirt. She stepped towards me and I took a step back, falling over as she fell on top of me, and then she leaned in to kiss me. Before I fell I asked her what her name was. And she told me.

So then on Tuesday night, at Kairos, while we're leaving I see a girl in the crowd I think I recognize, so I peer through the heads to get a second look. She's blonde, wearing a purple shirt, and I've seen her face before.

And I didn't go and ask her what her name was.

What the heck?! What's my deal? Why do I feel so funky and out of sorts? I thought I was pursuing. I've been to at least 2 and usually 3 church services every week for 3 months. In that same time I've been daily in the Bible and my pj, and I've been better about praying over a longer period than I've ever been. So how the flying flip did I get here? What's going on?

So what about girls? And what can't I ever quit worrying about that? Because my wife is out there somewhere, and I miss her terribly. I'm daily reminded of my desire for her, and the things I am looking forward to. I cannot wait to bow down and worship with you. I cannot wait to speak so softly and tenderly in your ear.

God has given me no direction with Amber, which probably is a direction. And I'm totally okay with that. But I can't seem to let go of desire. Part of me wants to go really old school and starting asking people, "hey, know anyone who'd be interested in guy like me? Anyone I'd be interested in?" Dear God, why don't you just get this over with?

On the upswing, the last few days have been very good for my self-esteem, for reasons I cannot easily identify. I'm an offering and I know it. I know what I'm worth. Not as a matter of pride, hardly, simply true humility. The admission of the bad, with the recognition of the good.

What is the Lord teaching me . . . well I'm glad you asked, I'd like to devote another post to that. So as I close this one, let me just say I don't think this is well written. I think it is choppy and incomplete. I think I touch on grand ideas I should probably expand on. I think I've left things out. That's what I get for starting late after going a week without writing.