'I am falter. I am fail.'

Oh and so it is Tuesday. Another day. Most of them really seem the same. I like Wednesdays and Sundays . . . but every other day, I kind of wish they hadn't happened at the end.

I think this post will be depressing.

The title is from a song I just started writing. Which puts me somewhere in double digits between lyrics and poetry for writing during this whole mess.

I started writing it because I just got so far from God today. I made so many mistakes. It reflects a certain reality of looking at the mistakes we can't seem to break away from, even as we try to get Christ to change us. But it also represents how Heather sees me now.

This is the look of eclipsing sadness.

Holy crap how I don't want to be writing this. I want to be writing something upbeat. Not this crap.

I forgot an important story from yesterday, Monday. I cooked yesterday. It was my third or fourth time since Heather left me. I love cooking. I love the activity of it. The creativity. I love making that offering to other people. I haven't enjoyed it once. Indeed lots of things just seem to have this sinking feeling of not being as they should. My good friend Jessica from high school encouraged me to just do everything I like, to take my mind off of things. It doesn't work. It should. It absolutely should. But it doesn't. I don't think that is a good sign.

Luke called me earlier tonight. We talked for a while. Nothing particularly striking. But I felt so awful when we got off the phone. Something about the detached nature of the conversation. At the end of it I felt like I was on the other end of the universe from Heather. And only slightly closer to anyone.

I kind of feel like giving up. Like throwing in the towel and saying, "no, its over." I know what I promised. I think I know what God has said. But right now I don't think I can do this. Unfortunately that would not be a much better path. Especially since I can't feel even the slightest attraction to any females except my beloved. Every good quality of every girl I meet and see turns my thoughts to her.

But from here it is so hard to see. It is so hard to keep pressing.

I have written in my prayer journal just once today. We are not on good terms.

I feel as though something must happen soon. That word again. Something.

God is good.

"Is This Really Your Plan?"

Well today was the day. One week since my morning of restlessness and . . .

nothing. Or so it seems. I'm trying not to be dissapointed, I'm really not sure how its going, but that's how it is when you're not very introspective.

A few possibilities come to mind. 1) Something did indeed happen and I missed it, because that is what I do. I miss things. 2) Something happened which I am not yet aware of. 3) It was a challenge and not a promise. One week was the amount of time I had to do or not do . . . well, something. or 4) I just made it all up. Unintentionally, of course.

This is the sound of a crushing and defeaning sigh.

I think perhaps the worst part is that I was seaking so much today. I was ready for it to be anything (though I had certain outlandish hopes). I prayed so much. I read the Word so much. And yet . . . I can't recall feeling filled up by those things. I'm not sure they made a lick of difference. I prayed prayers I've prayed a hundred times before, if that few, with no apparent result. I did everything I could think to give God room to speak to me through the Bible, with no result.

One thing that I really enjoy, and I mean really, is late night naps. Naps that are taken about or just before the time you'd normally go to bed, and then you wake up somewhere in the night and feel a little to rested to go fully to sleep. So you have at least an hour and a half of prime late night to do . . . something.

That word keeps coming up in my prayer journal. "God do something." I have no idea how many times that phrase appears in my journal. Too often. Is it me or is it Him? No, I know, its me. Oh how impatient I can be. I think the worst part is that so much, being so wrong, this early in my life can only mean preparation. And even though I've prayed big and dangerous prayers, now that I face the river rushing from the temple, I'm not sure I actually want to get in. Isn't there some other way? Some safer way I can serve You? Something that isn't so big? That doesn't need so much preparation?

I thought I was ready for anything today. Then around 8 pm I started to get this feeling. Nothing I had thought might was happening. Indeed nothing was. Then I started getting this feeling. I wanted to desparately to call Heather. Here I thought I was ready for anything. I was wrong. I wanted to hear her soft, warm, sweet voice. To hear her say "I love you" again. So I prayed. And I cryed. And I wrote in my prayer journal. And I sat and tried to listen, trying to see if that was what I needed to be ready for. And I got nothing.

At least my day was consitent.

I mentioned this in my post from (kindof) Sunday, but I think my dreams have subsided. I think I may have had regular dreams the other night, but I can't really recall. If so that's not a good sign. For a few reasons.

Along the same lines I remember that I forgot to tell a story from Sunday. Dustin was Aaron's missionary friend from Bangladesh. Long story short, at one point everyone was praying over three of us guys, that we would be called and enabled to go over and help them. Dustin was right next to me, and at certain points while he prayed I heard something very interesting. He prayed in tongues.

Now this both excited me beyond what I can explain, and upset me just as much. It excited me because the reason I knew that's what was going on, is that it sounded exactly like it did when Heather did it. Exactly the same. I could even pick out particular words I had heard. And it was systematically the same as well, being interwoven with English prayer. This was incredibly exciting because it has forever cemented my belief in glossolalia (Greek for speaking in tongues). I mean . . . I've heard two people, with absolutely no connection to each other speaking the same language, a language not of this earth. Now what could be so upsetting. Of course it reminded me of Heather, but more importantly, I couldn't make heads nor tales of what he said. I had not a clue. Even though I phonographically recognized some of the words. Not a single word of translation was apparent to me. This means that my ability to interpret the language of the Holy Spirt is solely tied to Heather. I suppose that should give me hope right? That should be a sign. But right now it just sucks.

I've lost my ability to dream the future. I can't understand God's own tongue. These are blessings I have had. These are blessings that were realized with Heather. And she wants nothing to do with me. She took 2 days to go from being madly in love with me to trying to wipe me out of her life completely.

Heather, I love you. Sometimes I doubt that you ever knew that. But you have to understand how deep, how wide, how strong, how covering, and willing and God enabled my love for you is. I will not give up. I am a warrior. I am a lion. I am fighting for your heart.

I have to admit sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes it feels like there is no hope. Each day that passes where I don't hear from her I feel she is further away. That things are becoming more entrenched. That she moves further from remembering the good. From remembering who I was when we met. And why she said yes. From how I treated her. But God . . . even though it has been a while, I can't help but think of that quote from Oswald Chambers, "Don't dig up in doubt what you planted in faith."

Do you ever feel like you hear things that were meant for someone else?

God has made promises. That night Heather and I met, on that car ride back, and I knew. I just . . . knew. And at every turn, when God's counsel has been sought . . .

The only thing that says we are not meant to be husband and wife is present circumstance. Is her mindset. If part of my problem was a lack of faith in a hard time, how can I give up now? How can I turn to God and say, "everything you've said, we must have just heard You wrong. There is too much that stands in the way."

There was a point, late last week where I was dealing with so much personal bitterness. And I hit this place of wanting to run from God's will here. Not to pursue someone else, but rather to never marry. To just go disappear.

Yet . . . of all the things God does want, of how He wants me to serve Him. I am meant to be an amazing husband. For Heather.

I'm not sure if I have actually said anything in this post. I'll end with a prayer journal excerpt, my second to last for the day, with the last going to be written after this.

"I am afraid to even ask You, for fear of being let down again.
What do you want from me?
Where are You?
Where are You calling?
What am I to do?
Please speak.
I want to hear You.
I want to listen.
I want to obey."

One Weak

I got home very late last night, and was extremely tired. I tried to stay up, because I didn't really want to go to bed yet, but I couldn't make it. I had all kinds of intentions about writing a post, but I just couldn't. So here is what should have come, and I'm going to write it from the perspective of last night, because I already had it written in my head:

I love Sundays. I look forward to them so much. I have for a while. There was a time when I didn't, when I actually resented Sundays. But now I get excited about going to sleep on Saturdays, because Sunday comes next.

Today was an amazing day. I slept in a little later than I intended because I got a up a little later than I intended, but really it was fine. I listened to Still Remains while in the shower, which was definitely a good decision.

I pulled up to church a few minutes late, but with people still streaming in and looked to see if I could fin anyone I knew. I couldn't see Joseph anywhere, who was actually my number one choice to sit with. As I was looking I started to get into the worship, and I just got lost. I don't think I knew any of the songs, but it didn't make the slightest difference. I just sang and closed my eyes and felt the Holy Spirit come upon that place. What a beautiful feeling. At one point the singing died down, but the music kept going, and Beth started reading this homily. It was listing all these miracles that God had performed and talking about His worthiness and His goodness. I almost started crying and just got swept away. I keep realizing how bad off with God I had gotten. Things . . . when Heather and I met, when we got together I was so well off, and then . . . I just made all these practical decisions that led to my walls crumbling. But standing there hearing of God's mighty acts, everything just washed away, I just loved God, I just trusted Him, I just wanted to see Him work.

After the singing Bonnie noticed I was standing along the back and invited me to come sit with her and her family. I am so thankful for Bonnie. She has this way of making you feel welcome, like you've been a part of things forever. She does it at small group too.

Aaron was talking about God's light shinning forth from Zion. I'm not sure how much I can really say. I know the message was fantastic. I know it resonated with me. I know I felt God speaking, but I'm not sure I can say much more about the content. It really was just about God's light shinning.

One particular point of interest. He used a scripture that I had read, either the day before or on Friday. I was praying, and I wanted God to speak and I opened the Word to Psalm 46:5

"God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day."

Oh God . . . what are you doing?

So after service I go and find where all my new friends were sitting. Everyone was really happy to see me, and it was a wonderful feeling. Almost immediately Colby invites me to go to Taco Bell with everyone for lunch. So after taking an absurdly long time to get everyone moving we go and have lunch. Just hanging out, talking, laughing. At some point I realized, I feel a part of this . . . and yet I don't. I'm somehow . . . out of sorts. These people are ready and willing to take me in, and we get along. But something is amiss. I'm not myself, I feel . . . I don't know. But I didn't have much time to think about it. People started heading out, so they let me know about the plans for after group tonight and we all went our separate ways.

I came home and immediately cracked the word a little bit. Did some prayer journaling. Still feeling good, but just not feeling like I was getting a lot. So I played video games for a while. Got bored of that and then laid around, deciding what to do . . . or really make a list of things I should do but wasn't. I almost got up to clean my room . . . but then Brian came in and wanted to watch the Nascar race, so I laid down and pretended to watch while I really took a nap. I think we bonded. He kept making comments and I'd make sleepy non-specific responses to make him think I was watching. I think he really enjoyed it.

I woke up not long before I needed to leave for small group. I picked up the guitar and tried to practice my new song I wrote, by my fingers were still sore from how much I'd played the last two days. So I left.

I got there on the late end, when most everyone had shone up. Rachel was just arriving as I did which was good. She and I went to high school together so its been nice to have her at small group and feel a little more connected.

There were a few more people there this week and it was great to see everyone again, and meet the new people. We watched this long video about the 'Invisible Children' project and then talked with a friend of Aaron's who is a missionary in Bangledesh.

After small group we headed into downtown Nashville, near Belmont to eat at this little chic bar/cafe called PM. I rode down with Dan, Alyssa, Joy, and Colby. We took the long way and drove down music row, looking at the multitude of recording studios in tiny old stone homes.

PM itself was an interesting experience. We waited for a while because they had trouble accomdating all 15 of us. So at first we just stood in the entrance way, dominating the small space. We ended up sitting at two different tables anyhow. Overall it was great. The food was good, I really enoyed the atmosphere, and I had a really good time talking and joking and laughing with the people around me. Dan's wife Alyssa was the only girl at our table of 10, so it was great to be around all those guys. In general I felt the same way I did at lunch. I was so close to being a part of it. But something just wasn't quite right. I tried to put my finger on it. Some of it was the usual in that situation. I just didn't know some of the jokes, I didn't have the same established relationships. Some of it was me, in that I still didn't feel like myself. Some of it was memories. That place just felt like Heather, down to the bartender who looked just like her older brother Tim. Some of it though, had to do with one thing in particular.

There was a movie playing on the television screen behind the sushi bar, which was at the end of our two tables. The movie was "The Protector," with Tony Jaa, a spiritual successor to his first American released movie, "Ong-Bak." "Ong-Bak" is overall a much better movie, despite its smaller budget. But there are good parts of "The Protector," and both feature excellent fight scenes displaying Jaa's incredible Mauy Thai talents and general athleticism.

What caught everyone's attention about the movie, however, was a scene that involves a guy in a mud hot tub with two girls. One of whom is not wearing a top. Now there are 3 things that struck me here. 1) I don't remember this from when I watched the movie 2) Are they really showing this, unedited in the resteraunt (turns out most of the sushi chefs there are Thai and were EXTREMELY engrossed in watching the movie) and 3) Most importantly, why are all the guys around me glued to the screen?

When I realized what was going on I did everything I could not to look at the screen, despite wanting to watch the movie. I wanted to wait til that part was done. But as I looked down the table I noticed every single guy I was sitting with had their eyes glued to the screen. Are you serious? All I could think of was Job 31:1 "I have made a covenant with my eyes." Even Dan, who's wife was sitting right across from him was staring at the screen. And I realized I'm not where they are. And I'm really not sure where I fit into the grand sheme of guys who follow Christ. I though myself average at best. With boughts of being incredible, and periods where I fail. But here I am, the only one who doesn't want to see what is on that screen. And for my covenant with a woman who currently hates me, for reasons almost completely separate from what was really wrong with me. Is this real?

But that, even that didn't totally explain it, the feeling of being just slightly out of place. And I felt it nearly the whole time.

So we kept laughing and joking around, including Dan making a gay joke about Matt and Aaron (not the pastor) to our gay waiter. The waiter was unimpressed. I, however, found the exchange hilarious.

We all head outside and stand in the middle of the street talking for a while longer, and then head our seperate ways. I'm not sure if I spoke on the ride home. My mind so somewhere else. It was processing so many things. When we got back to the parking lot we stood and talked a few minutes more, than got in our cars and finally headed "home."

On the way home I felt so restless. I couldn't even settle on what I wanted to think about, much less what I thought about any of it. My future, God's will, my new friends, community, Heather, my life, my family, what I wanted. All these things just raced through my mind, none hanging around for even a few seconds. I could tell I wouldn't want to do anything when I got home. And I didn't. I tried spending time with God. I figured maybe He'd want to speak to me. But . . . I just didn't seem to get anything. I sat around and watched tv for a while, made all the more depressing because it was so utterly unfulfilling. There was nothing good on. I just didn't want to do anything else. I didn't want to spend time with God because if He was so interested in talking to me, I felt I shouldn't have to work for it. I'd already tried. I didn't want to play games. I didn't want to write this post. I didn't want to call anyone. I didn't want to sleep. I certainly didn't want to watch tv. But that actually took the least effort. Even as I flipped through 7 channels endlessly.

So I finally crawl into bed. And now I'm laying here, looking back over the day and wondering how I can possibly really tell of what's gone on in my head.

This morning with church was great. I felt close to God. I felt purpose in just being His child. I wanted to get back involved with Young Life, I wanted to save lives. I wanted . . . I wanted everything.

At different points today I've felt God's calling in 1,000 different directions. I felt I wanted to stay here in Nashville and find a job and do Young Life. Sometimes high school, sometimes quest (college). Dustin (Aaron's missionary friend) invited me to come to Bangladesh and teach. Either media stuff or pastoral training, and I almost said yes right then. At multiple points I've wanted to go into Christian music. Sometimes on the business side. Sometimes as a singer, or guitarist, if I learn to play better. I've wanted to move to Africa and track down and kill African warlords. I've wanted to go to medical school and move to south and spread the gospel through health care. I've wanted to move to the third world and spread God's word. I've wanted to stay in the U.S. and get a nice paying job and be generous and do domestic missions (younglife, neighbor outreach). I've wanted to teach college. To be a college minister. To get my masters in media and help spread the gospel that way. To work part time jobs just to save up enough money to go do a mission trip somewhere and then go live for a few months. I've wanted almost everything. And that's just job wise.

So what has been constant. I want to serve God and spread His word.

Some of that involves going overseas. Now I don't have the same desire other people have to do this. I don't think its absolutely necessary, and I don't think I'll be personally if I don't. I think lots of people in our generation have allowed cultural (secular or Christian) influence to overemphasize such missions. I can remember somebody joking about Christian foreign missions bimbos. Girls who get all googalied eyed because some guy has been to Zimbabwe to spread the word. I hate girls like that. But I think God has placed a genuine desire in my heart to enable those people to spread the gospel themselves. And has given me skills that are important to furthering that. And so I am going to do that. Long term, short term, frequent, once a year. Whatever, it will happen.

Also, far from getting any better, in the last three weeks my love for and devotion to Heather has only increased. It doesn't get any easier. I think that is part of my misplacement. I'm not sure I could be doing much more to be with God right now. I am so chasing Him. And so close to Him . . . and yet. There is something missing. I can feel it. I can feel it in how I think my dreams have started becoming normal. In feeling out of place in places I have no reason to feel that way. In not feeling like myself, even when I'm being myself.

On the way back from PM's I had this moment in the car where I wasn't even sure what my personality really is. Who I am and what I act like. I was totally unsure. I should not feel like this. Especially not now.

On the upside, Friday and Saturday were filled with a lot of bitterness for me. But right now . . . its just gone. I am so ready to love her. So ready to work on this and move on. I just want to shower her with this incredible love.

And as for God's "one week" message . . . there was a time earlier today when I though he'd already done it. But now . . . heck I'm not even sure that anything will happen, that I didn't just make it up. But . . . whatever it is . . . I am ready. I am ready.

Christians

I effing hate Christians. Seriously effing hate.

Okay, no, not hate. But really close. They piss me off so bad. I just want to slap their stupid little faces around. Effing seriously!!!

There are plenty of reasons that make me feel like this, but three in particular have been on my mind lately, and they are related.

Christians have absolutely no teeth. The church has forfeited practically every ounce of power it ever possessed. I'm not talking about cultural or political power. Indeed those have subsided as well, but I couldn't care less. Those are fleeting and crappy and nearly worthless anyhow. What I am talking about is far more serious, far more important, and in a far worse condition.

The church has forfeited its spiritual power in three ways that are intimately connected.

First and perhaps most serious is that the majority of Christians have become practically, if not academically convinced that there is no enemy. Most of them, even if they believe in the existence of Satan, live out their lives and their faith in a way which pays not even a cursory respect to this. There is no recognition of spiritual warfare, or even the negative consequences of free will and root sin (pride). The majority of Christians I meet attribute every freaking bad thing that happens to God's will, and most of them simultaneously commit one of the other grievances I'll talk about later, which is saying that God's will is not knowable. John Edlredge talks about this problem in Wild At Heart. He tells of a ministry he knew of that hit some hard times. Their reaction was to close up shop. Now I don't know if they attributed it to God's will, or just fell back on a lack of commitment, but they utterly failed to recognize that there was a real enemy out to thwart their good efforts in God's name. My own anecdote is what I am going through now. A month ago no one I knew or was around had any doubt about God's will in regards to Heather and I being together and getting married. But suddenly, all anyone can think is that everything must have been wrong and this must be God's will. That He obviously doesn't want us together, or at the very least, wants us temporarily separated. Now I'm not saying that's not what He wants . . . but what do they have to go on? What little there is is outrageously suspect for more reasons than I can healthily consider.

So where does this come from? Well belief-wise its old. Real old. Some, if not most Jews long before the Bible was even being recorded had given up, or never recognized the idea of Satan. In modern times however, the idea can be traced back to Martin Heidegger. But no one listened to him because he was an effing Nazi. No, seriously, he was. Rudolf Bultmann was paying attention and popularized the idea. His implementation was far more reaching than just Satan. Bultmann's aim was to completely demythologize the New Testament and Christian faith as a whole. What a dick.

Slowly this idea takes root, and combined with growing intellectualism, secularism, and cultural pandering suddenly realizes a huge upper echelon of the Christian faith that academically discharges belief in Satan and spiritual warfare. But most Christians aren't well educated enough to be such complete morons, so where did they go wrong?

I think its two things. One obviously is Satan himself. Its much easier for him to do his business if no one acknowledges that he's doing it. But, and maybe this is part of his method, is misguided attempts at a better faith. Most Christians, by teaching or by striving, have equated good faith with a complete reliance on God. While generally a good thing, one potential side effect of this is unilateral attribution. This sublimates any understanding of negative free will choices, and spiritual warfare, and supposes that everything single freaking thing that happens is because God wants it to. Which is freaking stupid.

But Zach, what about Job, God let bad stuff happen to him. Okay, but that is not a universal example. Let's look at Adam and Eve. God told them not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil right? If He had meant for them to do it He would have freaking told them to. But He didn't, and they did. Why? Satan tempted them and they made a negative choice allowed by the free will God gave them. And as a result they freaking died. Eventually.

And today's Christians have completely jettisoned this. We need to wake up and realize that Satan is real. And he wants to destroy and rip apart and tear down and apathize every good thing. Every good relationship is a target of Satan, because he hates love and hates reflections of God. Just because your boyfriend or girlfriend or friend acts like an idiot, or something goes wrong in the relationship, doesn't necessarily mean it isn't right. In fact it could be confirmation that it is good. Satan doesn't target things that aren't contributing to the kingdom. Now that doesn't mean you SHOULD be with the person you're with, or be friends with a particular. But it means you should stop and think, "Is there something bigger going on here? What do I know to be true?" Satan is pulling and prying at every crack in every good thing. Be ready.

Now another thing, and one that is somewhat influenced by this, is that Christians have completely abandoned prayer. Now systematically they have not. Christians pray, at least some of them. But do the prayers do any good?

Well there are two elements to this? 1) Do the people praying believe their prayers are being heard and will be answered? 2) Are the people actually praying for something significant?

Now the first one is a moot point to talk about. There is essentially nothing more I can add to this. If you don't believe God is listening, if you don't believe He can do it, you need more help than I can presently give. But trust me, there are a million and one stories out there of God answering prayers, and doing it in a big way. Just Sunday I heard a story of a guy who had prayed a woman out of a wheel chair. Legit. He was working for a Christian agency that went and confirmed it as a freaking miracle. Take that Satan. Effing *******.

The second point, however, is something to which far less attention has been paid, and as a result this is far more rampant in the praying portion of Christians. Christians pray insignificant prayers. Now by insignificant I don't mean things like, "God help me find my car keys." God does actually care about that, and will help, and there is glory in it. What I mean is that so many, so freaking many Christians have gotten into this terrible habit regarding big things. In little things they remain faithful. "God help me with this test." But about bigger things, the common prayer has become less powerful. People often pray, "God, let your will be done." What an effing stupid prayer.

Now obviously I don't mean that universally. I want God's will to be done. And heck, Jesus prayed that line in the garden of Gethsemane. But there are outstanding elements about Him praying that. 1) Jesus already knew what God's will was, He was praying that prayer by way of personal submission. It was an offering of His desires. 2) Jesus also prayed for something else before this. He said, "God if there's another way do it, but I submit to Your will."

Christians these days have gotten into a habit of just praying the second part. For instance, I've been asking people to pray for Heather, that her heart is turned back to remember the love she once felt in abundance for me, and recognize the love I have for her. And most of them say, "Well I'll pray for God's will." Now there's a part of me that has no problem with this . . . but think about how stupid that is. All you are praying for is what can happen without any input at all from you. You are saying, God, I want you to do what you are going to do. That prayer has almost no power. The only thing that gives it any power at all is the fact that in this case it involves a person's choice. So free will is involved, and that limits God's power because He chooses not to overstep. But if a person is under submission to God, or if it is an issue that involves no choice?!

Let's take a look at another example, another story I heard Sunday. Alyssa was telling about this guy she went to church with. He had cancer that had metastasized and was killing him quickly. He couldn't walk, he couldn't really speak. So the church rallied people to pray. They spent time at a church service praying for him, and having 5 other churches in the area do the same thing. By the end of the service he was talking and moving around. He went to the doctors the next day and had not a single cancerous cell in his body. He died 3 months later. Of a heart attack.

What's the moral? God's will is going to happen no matter what, if the people involved submit to Him. But if its something that doesn't involve choice, then there is no stopping Him. But even then, He will give according to His will as we ask. He healed the man, because they wanted Him to. But God still wanted Him in heaven, so He did it. Let's say you are praying to get a promotion. God can tug at your bosses heart and do whatever the heck He wants. Its happened before and it will happen again.

If you are going to pray, pray a prayer that will make a difference. Pray for something. Jesus himself said, "Ask for anything in my name, and it will be given to you. Ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you."

God Himself told us to ask for what we want. To supplicate Him for our desires. By praying only, notice I said "only" for God's will, you are disobeying God. And you are lying. Your heart has a bent, it has desires, and not admitting those to God is kind of like lying. If its not a good desire get rid of it, or ask Him to. If it is, why not ask? He told you to.

There is a potential disconnect here. Since God has a will, and it is perfect, how can we pray things into happening? Now there has to be an answer, because God tells us to do it. What is it? I'm not entirely sure, but its probably something like this. God's will is like a river. There are points where it is narrow and only one way will work, like how to get to heaven, or who we are to marry. But there are points where it is broad, and He wants to let us have a say. Don't pass that up.

If what you want is in line with God's will it will be given, and if its not He's not going to get pissed and scold you. Now none of this is saying that if you pray for something and it doesn't happen that something is wrong with God. Maybe what you prayed for is outside of His will. Maybe He's saying not yet. But if you don't pray for it . . .

Pray prayers that mean something. Pray prayers that make a difference.

Lastly is the whole matter of God's will anyways. I've heard so many Christians say lately, for so many reasons, that we just can't know God's will. Really? Freaking really?

Everything God has ever done has been to display His love for us to enter into a relationship, that is maintained by living in order with His will by way of submission. There are few things God wants us to know more than His will, because its His will FOR US. And God isn't good at staying quiet about things He wants us to know or do. Remember Jonah.

I think the real problem here is with listening. Most people don't know how to hear God. They don't know how to listen, and so they make up for that lack by saying they just can't know God's will. Or even worse, by telling you that you can't know God's will.

Now people have screwed up God's will before. They have supplanted His will with their own. But most people, at some level, have an understanding that they are doing this. And more importantly, why should that discount the possibility of ever getting God's will right?

Let's start simple. Do you think God wants you to kill someone today? For most of you the answer will be no. Now maybe not everyone, but generally no. How do you know this? Because He has said so, and He hasn't said or done anything to make you think He's changed his mind.

Now it takes practice, it can be hard, and its not always perfectly clear, but God's will is knowable, because He wants it to be.

Now what's really bad is when all three combine. So a bunch of Christians run around saying everything that has happened is God's will, which they can't know in a forecoming sense to know what to do, and they have to do something because all they are praying for is what they don't know which is what is going to happen. Are you completely insane yet?

Satan is actively working to screw up every good thing. People are able to make bad choices based on those temptations and those lies. And we have the power to make a difference. We can pray our asses off. Now go do it. I'm going to.

July 5, 2008

This is my prayer journal entry from one week before Heather and I met:

"I've been meaning to tell you how much, how incredibly much, I loved worship on Sunday. I was so . . . full of joy, so spirit filled, so w/ You. I love You Father. I long for You to replace me, to be my sustainment, and my essence. Perfect me Father, to be like You.

Looking back on this day God, its amazing how You move and touch and bless. Perhaps the most incredible part, and certainly the most encouraging and uplifting was that Chuck, essentially w/o speaking to us, recognized that we were w/ Christ. What great honor can be imagined? I hope I experience that feeling more.

What a great day Lord. My only question is what is next? So much still rests on me. I need a job. And along w/ it a place to live. I want to do Summer Staff. I need a new car. And daily you seem to increase my desire to find my companion. I feel as though I will meet her any minute, and you are prepping me. All this still lurks. I still have flaws and insecurities that need Your touch. I still have doubts and fears and dumb desires.

Much as I like to not I still sometimes think of [name withheld]. I still anger and wonder. Even though I know You have better in store. And You always have. And it is close.

And the now what of that part of my life, God. I recognize in me this desire, or perhaps a need to experience the greater glory in this part of my life. I so want my constant companion.

There are some possibilities that have come up, but I am having nothing to do with them. I am waiting on You God, w/ everything. But do not tary my Lord, for my needs are many, though my joy and my You are bountiful. Deliver unto me Father, Your servant waits."

Just a quickie

I'm working on a real post, but I just wanted to throw something out there quick.

I've had a hard day. I haven't really spoken to anyone, I feel really alone. Half the day was spent missing Heather pretty badly. And the other half was spent being bitter and ruminating and what was happened and how hurt and angry I am. Even so . . .

Heather I miss you and I love you more than words can say. Please lets take the steps to work through this.

Joel 2:28

"And afterward,
I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
your old men will dream dreams,
your young men will see visions."

-Joel 2:28

I had two dreams last night, and I've decided to relate them hear.

The first one actually happened second, but is less interesting. I've been waking up really early in the morning and using the restroom and praying for a little bit and then falling back asleep. I always, always use that time to pray for Heather. And those prayers are often for her heart to be turned back, and for reconciliation.

So this morning that routine goes one. And when I fall back asleep I have this dream:

Heather and I are finally sitting together. We are in a dark house, that is fairly old, with a crummy tv on. We are holding hands and smiling at each other, but you can feel that it is recent. We have only just gotten back together and are still working through things. Then I notice her parents are there watching the movie with us. Her mom says nothing but has a smile on her face. Her dad begins to sing a song. Somehow I know it is for me. I ask him to stop, saying that it is painful to hear. But he insists. I look at Heather and smile at her as tears fill my eyes.

I'm thinking this could have been my first subjective dream in 6 months, but I'm not sure. Given everything God has been saying through scripture lately . . . well, we'll see.

The other dream is far more interesting:

I am traveling on a road, and have been for sometime. There is a passenger with me, but I cannot tell who. Sometimes I think it is Heather, and sometimes I think it is Jesus, but I cannot tell.

Then suddenly I am stopped. I am standing with my brother, and with two of my brothers in Christ, both of whom I recognize. I ask why were are stopped and no one can answer. Then I hear a voice and look up. There is a man in a hard hat with an indeterminate face. He says they have removed a piece. I ask of what and he directs me to move a little. Then I notice there is a plexiglass wall that has been blocking the road. And they have removed 2 or three pieces just reaching a height over my head. My brother then comments on how there is more light now, and somehow the wall was blocking it. It is here that I take stock of my surroundings.

The road is the middle of a hill, with a very open valley to the left, extending backwards and forwards. At the bottom of the valley runs a river. It is seems inviting, but is obviously not safe. It is narrower than it looks from where I am and is obviously running very fast. On the far side and behind us there are mountains. Behind I can see where I have been in the road and there are hills but it is obviously very sunny. Where I am at now in the road is covered in shade. Running along the right side of the road is a row of trees, so incredibly thick you almost can't see through. But what you can see is so oppresively bright with sunlight that it is apparent this isn't the same light as elsewhere. I notice that the man removing the wall is also gutting branches from the trees. Ahead of where I am the road curves to the right, and if you squint through the trees you can see where it winds up the hill on the other side of the trees.

Running alonside the road to the left, the side of the valley is a series of nets. One of these nets is vertical and extends slightly higher than the trees on the right side of the road. Runnig under this net is another net, this one horizontal. It is now that I see my two brothers in Christ climbing the net. I tell them to be careful, but it is obvious they cannot hear me. Then they fall, both of them turn head first and crach into the net. As they hit the catch net, one of them spews white foam from his mouth onto the ground. Then the man with the wall looks at me and says its time. And then I wake up.

So there.

I've got some ideas but I'm still working through it.

Revelation - no not that one

Is there anyone that I haven't talked to today? Oh yes, Heather. And actually Jill and Glenn. But really.

So I went and tried this new church out tonight. It was interesting. And by interesting I mean . . . I'm not sure what I think about the church but God was definitely using it to speak to me tonight.

I walk in and wander around for a few minutes, feeling terribly awkward, as you only can in a place you never should. ::Sigh:: So I go to this welcome desk and meet Jennifer, and her friends Holly and what's her name. Turns out Jennifer is head of the Young Adults group, which is meeting tonight (thank God). She introduces me to Andy, who she tells to look after me. So Jennifer, Holly and lady-leaves-an-impression and I went into worship.

The worship on Wednesday nights is led by the youth praise band, which was decent, though the drummer has never heard the expression "less is more." I'd never heard the songs before but really enjoyed them lyrically. They were good to try and get my heart out. Turn it on God.

The last song we sang really caught my attention.

It was a song about God's loving pursuit of us. The last line of every verse was "I will not be denied" and the chorus was "I'm coming after you." Okay, well that would get my attention anyways, but given my revelation earlier, which I'll talk about later, it was especially interesting. Now any connection to my situation with Heather could easily be dismissed were it not for what happened next.

We walk into the Young Adults room, which isn't much, but good gosh is it full. And thank God for it. I need these people. So I spot Andy who has . . . what . . . saved a seat for me, right in the middle of a bunch of cool looking guys. Effing serious?! I sit down and am introduced to Stephen, Luke, Jeremy and quickly make myself a member of the group. Of course, I was sitting with the "trouble makers" (see: cool people) cracking jokes the whole time and generally being ridiculous. At one point, each of us successively pointed out how someone had just said "do do." Thank freaking You God.

So what was the big thing that happened next? The topic. Commitment. Passage: Song of Solomon 8. Are you freaking serious?

Well yes in fact they were. We spent the next hour talking about commitment, and what it means and why its important and how it affects us and on and on. I think its when 'guy with forced deep voice and overly analytical comments' says that commitment comes way before marriage in romantic relationships that it hits me, I did not come here to be told to stay true to Heather, even during this time. I actually came here to move on. Not completely because that's not my place and not my promise. Heather has my heart, and always will. But for as long as this lasts I need to do something like moving on. But here I am doing that and what do I get. Pursuit and commitment. I'm really not even sure what joke to make here. Really.

Okay, so what's the revelation? Where does this all tie in and what is the point of this post?

I had this moment earlier. I was thinking about Heather, and how off her thoughts are about me right now. How she's got these ideas about what I was doing, that are really the exact opposite of the truth. And how she's angry and running from me. And honestly all I want is to love her. To be with her. To have her know the love that resides in my heart. That would do anything for her. That would take anything I was doing to make her feel what she was feeling and fix it. A love that knows no bounds. A love that does not give up. A love that wants what is best. A love that wants to give life. A love willing to sacrifice to an extent the world doesn't see. To lay down my dreams, my faults, everything to love her well. And I'm so saddened that she doesn't realize, or perhaps remember that this is how I love her. And then it hits. This is what I do to God.

Now God's love is grander, and truer, and more able, and more everything than my own. But seriously consider the parallels. God writes this amazing story. Goes to great lengths to arrange us meeting despite all odds. Makes it a picture perfect beginning. Leaves no doubt as to the intended relationship. Gives confirmation at every turn. And things are good. There is growth, there is realization of what needs work. There is effort. But of course, there are hard times. Then external factors press. And things become strained. Not outwardly, not pressingly, but its still there. Then when things are at their worst, someone walks out. And the other one is left loving. Doing everything they can to say, "hey, I love you, don't walk away, we can do this." And which am I talking about? Both. You can't even tell the difference.

God loves me so freaking much. And I get my thoughts about what He was doing exactly backwards and gave Him up as a result. And He is left holding our covenant in His hands saying, "hey, you promised. And I love you. I'll do anything to make this work, but its not always gonna be like you thought. Sometimes its hard." And now I know how He feels when I do that. And its awful.

God's love . . . what better embrace is there. It is so great and glorious. Turn to God. Cling to Him desperately.

Last points:
1) I discovered a great band, Before Their Eyes. Christian post-hardcore. Soo good.
2) Last night I prayed to God in a way I often do. I hold my Bible and ask Him to speak to me through it, then open it and read what my eyes fall on, and it works amazing. So last night I do this. I'm like, "hey God, I'm struggling with this stuff with Heather, could you just speak to me about it." And I open my Bible. Hold on to your britches. Hosea, chapter 1 verse 1. Are you effing serious?! So I read the whole thing. And here's my prayer journal entry its a personalized quote:

"Forgive all my sins and receive me graciously that I may offer the fruit of my lips. Assyria cannot save me; I will not mount my war-horses. I will never again say 'My gods' to what my hands have made, for in You the fatherless find compassion."

Hosea 14:2b-3

Take note of the last line. "The fatherless find compassion." Really? God . . . compassion? But that's one of the names You gave her? And I am the fatherless. Or was. So . . .

"Is this really Your plan? To keep me locked and on my knees?" - Underoath

More and more and more

So the last post was mostly about what happened, and it was getting long, so I wanted to do something more about where I am:

I am . . . good. God is still making promises that look way too big from where I stand. Promises that look too hard. But as I sit here I realize how much I have turned all this over to Him. Maybe I'm reading everything He's telling me wrong. But I don't think I care. I know He will take care of it either way. (I'm thinking of writing a post about these promises if anyone is interested, I can say that now that I know people are reading this.)

This morning I was incredibly restless. I felt like my insides were going to crawl out of my skin. Nothing could settle. Nothing sounded like it could satisfy. I grabbed my prayer journal and quickly jotted:

Restlessness . . . I feel like I recognize it. Are You trying to speak to me? What are You saying? Reveal Yourself.

I lied down prostrate on the floor and lost track of time trying to listen. Its so hard to push ourselves out. To clear our minds and really just try to hear God speak. Not through Scripture, as He so often does for me. But really just . . . the voice. The knowledge.

My head swirls, every thought is a possibility. I try to test everything, to double check everything. I realize I'm just trying to keep my head busy. Finally it starts to clear. I feel like I'm drifting. Everything starts to feel and sound far away. I listen.

"Be ready"

For what?

"What is coming. I have told you."

How do I prepare?

"Obey. Seek"

How long?

"One week"

So there it is. God lays it out and tells me the what. I'm still not sure I totally get it. I kept asking for more about what I was to do. And He just kept saying "be ready". Oh well, I have a week right? But I don't know what that means either. I guess we'll see.

Other important thoughts. I was talking to Katie Hackett tonight, who is most assuredly one of my favorite people on the planet. If you don't know her I'd be glad to put you in touch. So I share two things with her I've been ruminating over about this whole mess. Spiritual things.

One is a little personal. About two years ago Heather was blessed with the spiritual gift of speaking in tongues. She'd probably kill me if she knew I was saying this. She's very private about it and gave flesh and bone to an idea of spirituality I only agreed with in theory previously. So oddity of oddities Heather starts praying like this in front of me, and I can understand her. Not every time, not perfectly, but still . . . its . . . its nothing I can even begin to describe.

Second is when Heather and I started dating, something else crazy and Godly happened. I've never been much of a dreamer, normally I just pass an uninterrupted night. But then sometime this fall . . . I don't know how long exactly but now I only dream in prophecy. Everything I dream comes to pass. And I dream more often. For-instance: I had at least 3 separate dreams of this same type, starting in January with the last one in late February. In the dream I find myself in a strange place and I'm with Heather and things are good. We are on a trip of some kind, an adventure. Then the dream changes, and the trip takes on a negative tone, something bad comes up. Shortly after this, Heather leaves while I am talking to her. I can't understand why she is angry, and I can't find her, and I know if I do it won't do any good. It feels hopeless. Then in the dream I find myself in another strange place, with lots of people from my past. Girls I almost dated, people I haven't spoken to in years. And then I leave that place and the dream ends. You can imagine my surprise when these events came to pass.

That is what actually made me take notice of the newly developed nature of my dreams. There are other instances as well. An almost word for word encounter with an ex-girlfriend from high school. I had a dream where a particular person was angry at me and the next day I received a nasty and self righteous letter from them.

So when I tell Katie these things, she immediately responds, "Zach, give this woman your whole heart." Well needless to say I'm all for that. But I don't know exactly how to do that in my present situation. I don't know what it means from here or how I enact it. What's really important though, is what Katie recognized. Without knowing almost anything else about the situation, Katie hears of these things and recognizes God. Recognizes His blessings and His touch, and she encourages me, in the midst of being broken hearted, to devote myself wholly and complete to Heather. Okay, you've convinced me . . . now what?

Its still up and down. Sometimes it feels like every single minute is a struggle, but . . . .
I was talking to my friend Sarah, and I told her I believed God was not done with Heather and I, that there is more to our story. That what was promised is still planned, and Sarah says the most incredible thing. "Then why are you upset?"

I'm still working that out. For now . . . I know God is with me. But soon . . . He's going to have to do something soon. It's been so long.

Wowzers

Haha. woo.

All day I've been telling myself I was going to post on the blog tonight. And now its late, 1:30, and I have so much I want to say, I can think of at least 4 posts. I just spent about an hour on the phone with Zane, who is in California right now. I kind of feel . . . weird, light headed and a little loopy. At one point we both took turns calling Kyle until he answered, 2 o'clock his time. I finally got a hold of him, and when he answered I had no idea what to say. I started laughing and hung up. I called Zane back and we laughed for a good 5 minutes. Oh non-alcoholic drunk dialing . . . you and I are friends now. BFFAE!!!

Yesterday (Sunday) was a good day. It started earlier in the week, when my mom started making fun of this church. The church is called "The Church at Indian Lake" which my mom thought was a poor name for a church. I pointed out it was no different than something like Portland Industrial Plumbing, and as such was good, it says what they do and where they are. So when I'm making up my mind about where to go to church on Sunday my mind comes back to that conversation. After talking with Sam I'd made up my mind I was going to try a smaller church in hopes of meeting more people. I looked up CIL online and was intrigued by how well the sermon topic seemed to fit my situation and feelings.

So Sunday morning I throw on a nice t-shirt and jeans and head to church. At first I think I may have woefully misjudged the atmosphere of the church and I second guess going. Everyone I see in the parking lot has dress clothes on. It's odd how quickly my plain shirt made me self conscious, it had a nice bird pattern on it, but I felt like it might as well have been a "Hexed Clothing" t-shirt for how I felt.

As I walked inside I realized it was mostly a fluke, but more importantly, no one really cared. So the service kicked along. Sang "Our God is a God who saves" for the second time in as many days. Less really, did it just the night before. Coincidence? I am starting to believe in those less and less, at least when it comes to God.

By and large the service was . . . nothing spectacular. It was good mind you. But I just never felt floored. Never felt really engaged in the music. The message was good, but even as it spoke to my head, I couldn't feel it resonate. Honestly it may have just been me. Where I was. But . . .

Even so a few amazing things happened. First, I met a few people, and they introduced themselves to me imagine that. I sat next to this nice guy right around my age named Joseph and his female companion (wife, girlfriend). They've been about 3 times. At least 3 other people took note to come get my name and remember it. Considering how many places I've been recently, and this is the first time that happened. I'm impressed. I'm already planning on coming back.

At the end of the service there were people up front offering to pray for people. I tried to fight it, but I could feel the Holy Spirit practically dragging me up there. So I hook up with Dave, the tall ginger of a student ministries director. I tell him what I need prayer for and he just goes to town. I can feel it coming. God is listening.

After the service I happen to meet the pastor and he tells me to see his wife about the church's young adult group, that happens to meet on Sunday nights, convenient coincidence. I leave and putz around. Run errands, do work around the house, clean my room up a little and think of finishing painting it.

At 5:25 I'm over at the Allison's, surprisingly calm, just ready. I sit with Aaron for a few minutes and tell him a little of my story. Then people start arriving. And people I like. And people who are outgoing. And people who are excited to see me and to bring me in. None of the exclusion that can often come with Christian small groups. The discussion itself was great, and gave me a few stories I'll be writing about in a future post.

Afterward we went over to Drake's Creek to play softball in the dark. For a good 2 hours. I had a great night.

One interesting part was again being around attractive females. This time far more welcoming and engaging. There was one in particular that caught my attention. Very cute, dark hair, warm, nice, fit, open yet not over the top, and seemed to be almost asking me to flirt. But really . . . I couldn't have cared less. As of yet I want no one else. In fact every woman I meet makes me desire Heather more. Its as though their positive qualities magnify her own. Which would be great if she hadn't convinced herself she hates me because I'm a monster. Is this another coincidence?

The best of it, there are guys I really think I can get on with. I still don't know how long this will last, God keeps me in the dark on some things but . . . there is hope. There is promise. There is deliverance.

Lost in the Sound of Seperation

Lost in the Sound of Separation . . .

that describes how I've felt since my last post. It seems that as I try to draw near to God, as I need Him, in so many ways, He promises with His mouth and then holds me at arms length.

Wednesday night, church night. So I had a bevy of places to choose from. And at most of the places, multiple classes. So I choose one and I head out the door. Third megachurch in 4 days. This is becoming quite the habit. I park as close as I can to the door I think I need to go in, still walk 5 minutes. As I'm ambling down the well manicured but static hallway I notice the huge numbers of adolescents surrounding me. Two thoughts occur: One is how much I miss kids like these. Teenagers dying to live, dying to meet Christ. Oh how I miss the frontlines, or any lines. I want to save lives! Two is wondering where the people my age are.

Another few minutes down a hallway and I notice people hanging out in the coffeehouse and finally see a central help desk larger than most malls. Turns out my arrival is due to an out of date website. And its too late to go anywhere else.

Fast forward to Saturday. Its been ups and downs all week, mostly downs. I've struggled with bitterness over my situation with Heather and her family, and with God. He continues to make promises, and seemingly continues to deny me, indeed to actively thwart my efforts. Since last Sunday, everything I've done to reach out has ended poorly, usually with me feeling the exact opposite of what it was supposed to.

I've cursed for the first time in my prayer journal, which is actually good. I think I'm being real with Him for the first time. And there are other good things coming from this. My relationship with my mom and my brother are improving. I'm learning a lot about myself and my relationship with Christ. But still I need more.

So after a few more outreach mishaps I make my way to a worship service tonight (Saturday). I'm not sure if it was me . . . but . . . it was just empty. It shouldn't have been, there was throbbing excellent worship music, it was fresh but accessible. The message was delivered by the very smart and very funny Dave Ramsey, on money matters. But at the end . . . I felt just as far away, if not further. Far from God, from people. I've been to three churches in the last week, and no one has introduced themselves to me.

And I don't think this is isolated. I think churches everywhere, successful, growing, living churches are doing this. I'm not ever sure where these people are coming from. It just . . . there's something wrong with us, and we need to fix it.

It's something I noticed about me the other day. I was crying, for the first time in a few days. I was crying because I had no one. Literally no one to reach out to. And the people I had reached out to had turned me away. And I was thinking of how I've never really been loved by anyone. No one has told me they loved me and lived up to it. No one. And I was so sunk by that awful feeling of no one caring, no one but God. And I realized its partially my fault. No one has loved because I have not loved well. So its me too.

The solution . . . I'm not entirely sure. Ostensibly I know what it is. We have to love God better. We have to worship Him and be with Him more, so that we can love well as an overflow of that. That's part of why I wasn't better to Heather at the end, I had lost that ability to love rightly. But there are so many churches where people are really doing this . . . so where's the extra step?

God keeps making these promises. Soon He'll have to deliver.

The Truth Of It

Heather,

I'm not entirely sure what to say. To some extent it doesn't matter, for you will never read these words. But it does, because . . . somehow, I want you to hear them. To know my heart as you once did.

All worldly wisdom tells me to give up. Tells me to let go and move on. But God's promises are not for yesterday, or even today. They are forever.

Every promise God has ever made to us, everything He has ever said to us, everything He has done points to us being together. Answers He gave you before we met, answers He gave me. Things He whispered to us from your mouth, which I had to interpret. And since . . . the other night with Hosea.

My dear Heather, because of these promises God made, I made promises to you. I told you, "I love you." And more than a feeling, that is a promise. It says no matter what, I am sticking by you. I will not leave. I will not forsake. I will never give up.

Heather, I screwed up. I utterly failed to maintain my relationship with God. I let Him slip from me. The truth of it is that the man you fell in love with, the man you agreed to marry; you loved him. And that was me. But I let go, I became something else, and I'm sorry. But who I was . . . that was real. It is written into my prayer journal, it still resides in my heart. Here is an excerpt from my prayer journal:

" God You are so good. how great is Your care. Your watch and protection and providence.
Thank You God, for bringing me to this place. Surely it is how You deliver restoration in all. To be restored to sonship by Christ's blood. To be restored in heart with my lovely Heather. To be restored in purpose through your promises of work. You are so good God. MY God.
keep me near. Strengthen my heart as I hear it, that I might bear the weight. Keep your lessons of love on my heart, that I may never forget. Bless me Father. Your son seeks You."

I wrote that the morning of the day I told you I loved you for the first time.

Heather the truth of it is that I love you deeply and dearly and tenderly. And you have been imminently aware of this in the past. You used to speak of how much and how well I displayed my love. Whatever you have felt of me recently, remember this, my love for you was and is and will be true. Had I known . . . Heather had I known I would have done anything. I would do anything for you. I will do anything for you.

You have known my heart, and the depth and breadth of my love for you. I want to show you my heart again. The truth of how I love and desire the Lord. The truth of my warrior's heart that is strengthened to fight lies and insecurities.

I want no one else. I don't want to be with another woman alone on my wedding night. I don't want to wake up to someone else 40 years later. I don't want to spend a night in the hospital praying over my child holding another woman's hand. I don't want to be with some woman who doesn't say "Lord love a duck" when she's cold. And who doesn't love trees and Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings and children's literature.

Heather . . . let me win your heart again.

How do I feel?

Jesus is on the throne.

I've been telling myself this all day . . . and I'm still just not feeling it. Every hour feels like a struggle. I miss my fiancee, my best friend, the woman I love. Knowing Jesus is on the throne, knowing the promises he has made; the end result of this is that I still miss her. I still want to speak to her, to hear her enchanting laugh, to smell her, to feel her silky hair against my fingers. I was planning something else for this post, but it is quickly turning into a love letter, for my absent love, who will not read it, and would not care if she did.

I kept busy today. I did everything I could think of. And here I am, the end of another day and I feel I have no purpose. It seems as though God is seriously intent on me not settling. Every effort I pursue here ends poorly. My home has been taken away, and He seemingly refuses to give me a new one. But alas, He is on the throne. If only that meant I didn't have to sigh.

All day, actually even since yesterday I was excited about tonight. I was going to find people my age and establish myself here. I was going to find community. And there was none. No group, only an out of date web page that led me astray. Too late to go anywhere else, even if there were somewhere else to go. But it just feels this place is not for me. So what?

I can't help but think with all the promises He has made that there is a reason; that this is temporary. But what is next? He knows, because He is on the throne. Whatever it is I am praying He delivers me quickly.

It seems I have misjudged what is going on here though. There is purpose for me here and now. He is shaping me and molding me, He is working in me. God is good.

Kairos

Tonight was the first time I've worshiped since October. Worship in the traditional sense that is. An old friend of mine referred me to this college/career worship gathering on the south side of Nashville. It was a bit of a haul for me but it was absolutely worth it. I . . . it was the first time since the night Heather and I got engaged that I truly felt I was worshiping God through singing. Everything just clicked, and you could feel the spirit of God in that place.

So after a 40 minute drive down to Brentwood I pull up to my second megachurch in 3 days. But this building may have been double the size of my 5,000 person worship experience Sunday. So I'm meandering in about 15 minutes early, and I know absolutely no one, and there are about 700 people there, all around my age. So I find this volunteer, identified by his hideously neon green shirt, and tell him my situation and ask him to hook me up with some people. After we wander around for a few minutes it becomes obvious that I have picked the wrong person to assist me. My remorse was cemented when he stops in front of a table full of gorgeous girls and turns to me and says, "You don't mind sitting at a table full of girls do you?"

As my eyes survey the table a string of thoughts hit me. 1) I'm grateful all of these girls are blonds because I really prefer brunettes; 2) It seems that since Heather broke up with me I can't stop getting hit on by really good looking young women and that's not really what I want to deal with, especially since God's simultaneously increased my internal fidelity; 3) I came for brotherhood, so yes, I do mind and I'd really prefer to sit as far away from a female as I can, like if you can put me in a corner with concentric rows of cool guys moving away from it, that'd be great. Though I'm thinking all of this, what comes out is, "Of course not," because Forest Gump asked me loud enough for them to hear. This is not what I am here for.

So I'm sitting there making small talk while my brain melts out of my ears and my loneliness actually increases as a result of my company. Now don't misunderstand me. These girls were great, really, but they just weren't what I wanted or needed. Just as I'm noticing that the most attractive of the girls is giving me the eye the final two members of the group show up, a husband and wife. Finally a guy. Until it takes him a good seven minutes to quit making conversation with my new admirer and notice me. This is not what I am here for.

I sit and wait as I can feel the stubble on my clean shaven face beginning to grow. Eventually the service starts. At first its just like everywhere I've been the past few months, then it starts to connect with me like Sunday's worship did, better but still . . . And then it clicks. As I sing the words "Blessed be Your name" for what must be the millionth time in my life I can feel it. I mean it. I mean those words and every other one I sing. And everything else slips from my mind. Nothing else matters. God's love and grace and goodness enfold me and all is stripped away as I sing my love and praise. It felt better than I can explain.

As no coincidence the message was on worship, specifically Revelation 5 were John is describing the scene of the throne. I never did hear the guys name, but I would like to hear him speak anytime. An interesting aside I hope to explain sometime soon, he mentioned Hosea, which has been happening a lot lately. Of all the books . . . God you know what you're doing.

On the drive back I spent more time in worship, this time with a little different music. I damaged my ears and my vocal chords singing to God with Disciple and Underoath.

My end mood is this: I'm feeling the peace and comfort of God's love and life that has been surrendered to Him. Holding on to absolutely nothing. I have a new phrase thanks to the speaker, "Its easy, Jesus is on the throne." I'm feeling good. Yet I can still feel it, underneath, the pain and loss and hardship of losing the love of my life and my best friend.

Looking back on the experience I realize I didn't get the fellowship I wanted, but it turns out that's not what I was there for.

Jesus is on the throne.

The Journey

Points to anyone who picks up on the title reference.

So here's the deal. My fiancee left me about a week ago. I don't agree with it, I don't think its the right way to handle the problems, and I don't think its the end. But it is the way it is.

The reason this blog exists is because God used "coincidences" to put me in touch with a woman who offered me great advice about this situation. And one piece of that advice was to keep speaking tenderly to Heather, even though I couldn't communicate with her. So originally I just wanted a way to write her letters of love and support. But then things kept coming, like a longing to open up and share portions from my prayer journal. I realized that my troubles with Heather are related to my walk with Christ, and that should be the greater focus of any effort to share my heart with her (in a way she'll never read). And so it begins: