'I am falter. I am fail.'

Oh and so it is Tuesday. Another day. Most of them really seem the same. I like Wednesdays and Sundays . . . but every other day, I kind of wish they hadn't happened at the end.

I think this post will be depressing.

The title is from a song I just started writing. Which puts me somewhere in double digits between lyrics and poetry for writing during this whole mess.

I started writing it because I just got so far from God today. I made so many mistakes. It reflects a certain reality of looking at the mistakes we can't seem to break away from, even as we try to get Christ to change us. But it also represents how Heather sees me now.

This is the look of eclipsing sadness.

Holy crap how I don't want to be writing this. I want to be writing something upbeat. Not this crap.

I forgot an important story from yesterday, Monday. I cooked yesterday. It was my third or fourth time since Heather left me. I love cooking. I love the activity of it. The creativity. I love making that offering to other people. I haven't enjoyed it once. Indeed lots of things just seem to have this sinking feeling of not being as they should. My good friend Jessica from high school encouraged me to just do everything I like, to take my mind off of things. It doesn't work. It should. It absolutely should. But it doesn't. I don't think that is a good sign.

Luke called me earlier tonight. We talked for a while. Nothing particularly striking. But I felt so awful when we got off the phone. Something about the detached nature of the conversation. At the end of it I felt like I was on the other end of the universe from Heather. And only slightly closer to anyone.

I kind of feel like giving up. Like throwing in the towel and saying, "no, its over." I know what I promised. I think I know what God has said. But right now I don't think I can do this. Unfortunately that would not be a much better path. Especially since I can't feel even the slightest attraction to any females except my beloved. Every good quality of every girl I meet and see turns my thoughts to her.

But from here it is so hard to see. It is so hard to keep pressing.

I have written in my prayer journal just once today. We are not on good terms.

I feel as though something must happen soon. That word again. Something.

God is good.