More and more and more

So the last post was mostly about what happened, and it was getting long, so I wanted to do something more about where I am:

I am . . . good. God is still making promises that look way too big from where I stand. Promises that look too hard. But as I sit here I realize how much I have turned all this over to Him. Maybe I'm reading everything He's telling me wrong. But I don't think I care. I know He will take care of it either way. (I'm thinking of writing a post about these promises if anyone is interested, I can say that now that I know people are reading this.)

This morning I was incredibly restless. I felt like my insides were going to crawl out of my skin. Nothing could settle. Nothing sounded like it could satisfy. I grabbed my prayer journal and quickly jotted:

Restlessness . . . I feel like I recognize it. Are You trying to speak to me? What are You saying? Reveal Yourself.

I lied down prostrate on the floor and lost track of time trying to listen. Its so hard to push ourselves out. To clear our minds and really just try to hear God speak. Not through Scripture, as He so often does for me. But really just . . . the voice. The knowledge.

My head swirls, every thought is a possibility. I try to test everything, to double check everything. I realize I'm just trying to keep my head busy. Finally it starts to clear. I feel like I'm drifting. Everything starts to feel and sound far away. I listen.

"Be ready"

For what?

"What is coming. I have told you."

How do I prepare?

"Obey. Seek"

How long?

"One week"

So there it is. God lays it out and tells me the what. I'm still not sure I totally get it. I kept asking for more about what I was to do. And He just kept saying "be ready". Oh well, I have a week right? But I don't know what that means either. I guess we'll see.

Other important thoughts. I was talking to Katie Hackett tonight, who is most assuredly one of my favorite people on the planet. If you don't know her I'd be glad to put you in touch. So I share two things with her I've been ruminating over about this whole mess. Spiritual things.

One is a little personal. About two years ago Heather was blessed with the spiritual gift of speaking in tongues. She'd probably kill me if she knew I was saying this. She's very private about it and gave flesh and bone to an idea of spirituality I only agreed with in theory previously. So oddity of oddities Heather starts praying like this in front of me, and I can understand her. Not every time, not perfectly, but still . . . its . . . its nothing I can even begin to describe.

Second is when Heather and I started dating, something else crazy and Godly happened. I've never been much of a dreamer, normally I just pass an uninterrupted night. But then sometime this fall . . . I don't know how long exactly but now I only dream in prophecy. Everything I dream comes to pass. And I dream more often. For-instance: I had at least 3 separate dreams of this same type, starting in January with the last one in late February. In the dream I find myself in a strange place and I'm with Heather and things are good. We are on a trip of some kind, an adventure. Then the dream changes, and the trip takes on a negative tone, something bad comes up. Shortly after this, Heather leaves while I am talking to her. I can't understand why she is angry, and I can't find her, and I know if I do it won't do any good. It feels hopeless. Then in the dream I find myself in another strange place, with lots of people from my past. Girls I almost dated, people I haven't spoken to in years. And then I leave that place and the dream ends. You can imagine my surprise when these events came to pass.

That is what actually made me take notice of the newly developed nature of my dreams. There are other instances as well. An almost word for word encounter with an ex-girlfriend from high school. I had a dream where a particular person was angry at me and the next day I received a nasty and self righteous letter from them.

So when I tell Katie these things, she immediately responds, "Zach, give this woman your whole heart." Well needless to say I'm all for that. But I don't know exactly how to do that in my present situation. I don't know what it means from here or how I enact it. What's really important though, is what Katie recognized. Without knowing almost anything else about the situation, Katie hears of these things and recognizes God. Recognizes His blessings and His touch, and she encourages me, in the midst of being broken hearted, to devote myself wholly and complete to Heather. Okay, you've convinced me . . . now what?

Its still up and down. Sometimes it feels like every single minute is a struggle, but . . . .
I was talking to my friend Sarah, and I told her I believed God was not done with Heather and I, that there is more to our story. That what was promised is still planned, and Sarah says the most incredible thing. "Then why are you upset?"

I'm still working that out. For now . . . I know God is with me. But soon . . . He's going to have to do something soon. It's been so long.