Revelation - no not that one

Is there anyone that I haven't talked to today? Oh yes, Heather. And actually Jill and Glenn. But really.

So I went and tried this new church out tonight. It was interesting. And by interesting I mean . . . I'm not sure what I think about the church but God was definitely using it to speak to me tonight.

I walk in and wander around for a few minutes, feeling terribly awkward, as you only can in a place you never should. ::Sigh:: So I go to this welcome desk and meet Jennifer, and her friends Holly and what's her name. Turns out Jennifer is head of the Young Adults group, which is meeting tonight (thank God). She introduces me to Andy, who she tells to look after me. So Jennifer, Holly and lady-leaves-an-impression and I went into worship.

The worship on Wednesday nights is led by the youth praise band, which was decent, though the drummer has never heard the expression "less is more." I'd never heard the songs before but really enjoyed them lyrically. They were good to try and get my heart out. Turn it on God.

The last song we sang really caught my attention.

It was a song about God's loving pursuit of us. The last line of every verse was "I will not be denied" and the chorus was "I'm coming after you." Okay, well that would get my attention anyways, but given my revelation earlier, which I'll talk about later, it was especially interesting. Now any connection to my situation with Heather could easily be dismissed were it not for what happened next.

We walk into the Young Adults room, which isn't much, but good gosh is it full. And thank God for it. I need these people. So I spot Andy who has . . . what . . . saved a seat for me, right in the middle of a bunch of cool looking guys. Effing serious?! I sit down and am introduced to Stephen, Luke, Jeremy and quickly make myself a member of the group. Of course, I was sitting with the "trouble makers" (see: cool people) cracking jokes the whole time and generally being ridiculous. At one point, each of us successively pointed out how someone had just said "do do." Thank freaking You God.

So what was the big thing that happened next? The topic. Commitment. Passage: Song of Solomon 8. Are you freaking serious?

Well yes in fact they were. We spent the next hour talking about commitment, and what it means and why its important and how it affects us and on and on. I think its when 'guy with forced deep voice and overly analytical comments' says that commitment comes way before marriage in romantic relationships that it hits me, I did not come here to be told to stay true to Heather, even during this time. I actually came here to move on. Not completely because that's not my place and not my promise. Heather has my heart, and always will. But for as long as this lasts I need to do something like moving on. But here I am doing that and what do I get. Pursuit and commitment. I'm really not even sure what joke to make here. Really.

Okay, so what's the revelation? Where does this all tie in and what is the point of this post?

I had this moment earlier. I was thinking about Heather, and how off her thoughts are about me right now. How she's got these ideas about what I was doing, that are really the exact opposite of the truth. And how she's angry and running from me. And honestly all I want is to love her. To be with her. To have her know the love that resides in my heart. That would do anything for her. That would take anything I was doing to make her feel what she was feeling and fix it. A love that knows no bounds. A love that does not give up. A love that wants what is best. A love that wants to give life. A love willing to sacrifice to an extent the world doesn't see. To lay down my dreams, my faults, everything to love her well. And I'm so saddened that she doesn't realize, or perhaps remember that this is how I love her. And then it hits. This is what I do to God.

Now God's love is grander, and truer, and more able, and more everything than my own. But seriously consider the parallels. God writes this amazing story. Goes to great lengths to arrange us meeting despite all odds. Makes it a picture perfect beginning. Leaves no doubt as to the intended relationship. Gives confirmation at every turn. And things are good. There is growth, there is realization of what needs work. There is effort. But of course, there are hard times. Then external factors press. And things become strained. Not outwardly, not pressingly, but its still there. Then when things are at their worst, someone walks out. And the other one is left loving. Doing everything they can to say, "hey, I love you, don't walk away, we can do this." And which am I talking about? Both. You can't even tell the difference.

God loves me so freaking much. And I get my thoughts about what He was doing exactly backwards and gave Him up as a result. And He is left holding our covenant in His hands saying, "hey, you promised. And I love you. I'll do anything to make this work, but its not always gonna be like you thought. Sometimes its hard." And now I know how He feels when I do that. And its awful.

God's love . . . what better embrace is there. It is so great and glorious. Turn to God. Cling to Him desperately.

Last points:
1) I discovered a great band, Before Their Eyes. Christian post-hardcore. Soo good.
2) Last night I prayed to God in a way I often do. I hold my Bible and ask Him to speak to me through it, then open it and read what my eyes fall on, and it works amazing. So last night I do this. I'm like, "hey God, I'm struggling with this stuff with Heather, could you just speak to me about it." And I open my Bible. Hold on to your britches. Hosea, chapter 1 verse 1. Are you effing serious?! So I read the whole thing. And here's my prayer journal entry its a personalized quote:

"Forgive all my sins and receive me graciously that I may offer the fruit of my lips. Assyria cannot save me; I will not mount my war-horses. I will never again say 'My gods' to what my hands have made, for in You the fatherless find compassion."

Hosea 14:2b-3

Take note of the last line. "The fatherless find compassion." Really? God . . . compassion? But that's one of the names You gave her? And I am the fatherless. Or was. So . . .

"Is this really Your plan? To keep me locked and on my knees?" - Underoath