Kairos

Tonight was the first time I've worshiped since October. Worship in the traditional sense that is. An old friend of mine referred me to this college/career worship gathering on the south side of Nashville. It was a bit of a haul for me but it was absolutely worth it. I . . . it was the first time since the night Heather and I got engaged that I truly felt I was worshiping God through singing. Everything just clicked, and you could feel the spirit of God in that place.

So after a 40 minute drive down to Brentwood I pull up to my second megachurch in 3 days. But this building may have been double the size of my 5,000 person worship experience Sunday. So I'm meandering in about 15 minutes early, and I know absolutely no one, and there are about 700 people there, all around my age. So I find this volunteer, identified by his hideously neon green shirt, and tell him my situation and ask him to hook me up with some people. After we wander around for a few minutes it becomes obvious that I have picked the wrong person to assist me. My remorse was cemented when he stops in front of a table full of gorgeous girls and turns to me and says, "You don't mind sitting at a table full of girls do you?"

As my eyes survey the table a string of thoughts hit me. 1) I'm grateful all of these girls are blonds because I really prefer brunettes; 2) It seems that since Heather broke up with me I can't stop getting hit on by really good looking young women and that's not really what I want to deal with, especially since God's simultaneously increased my internal fidelity; 3) I came for brotherhood, so yes, I do mind and I'd really prefer to sit as far away from a female as I can, like if you can put me in a corner with concentric rows of cool guys moving away from it, that'd be great. Though I'm thinking all of this, what comes out is, "Of course not," because Forest Gump asked me loud enough for them to hear. This is not what I am here for.

So I'm sitting there making small talk while my brain melts out of my ears and my loneliness actually increases as a result of my company. Now don't misunderstand me. These girls were great, really, but they just weren't what I wanted or needed. Just as I'm noticing that the most attractive of the girls is giving me the eye the final two members of the group show up, a husband and wife. Finally a guy. Until it takes him a good seven minutes to quit making conversation with my new admirer and notice me. This is not what I am here for.

I sit and wait as I can feel the stubble on my clean shaven face beginning to grow. Eventually the service starts. At first its just like everywhere I've been the past few months, then it starts to connect with me like Sunday's worship did, better but still . . . And then it clicks. As I sing the words "Blessed be Your name" for what must be the millionth time in my life I can feel it. I mean it. I mean those words and every other one I sing. And everything else slips from my mind. Nothing else matters. God's love and grace and goodness enfold me and all is stripped away as I sing my love and praise. It felt better than I can explain.

As no coincidence the message was on worship, specifically Revelation 5 were John is describing the scene of the throne. I never did hear the guys name, but I would like to hear him speak anytime. An interesting aside I hope to explain sometime soon, he mentioned Hosea, which has been happening a lot lately. Of all the books . . . God you know what you're doing.

On the drive back I spent more time in worship, this time with a little different music. I damaged my ears and my vocal chords singing to God with Disciple and Underoath.

My end mood is this: I'm feeling the peace and comfort of God's love and life that has been surrendered to Him. Holding on to absolutely nothing. I have a new phrase thanks to the speaker, "Its easy, Jesus is on the throne." I'm feeling good. Yet I can still feel it, underneath, the pain and loss and hardship of losing the love of my life and my best friend.

Looking back on the experience I realize I didn't get the fellowship I wanted, but it turns out that's not what I was there for.

Jesus is on the throne.