One Weak

I got home very late last night, and was extremely tired. I tried to stay up, because I didn't really want to go to bed yet, but I couldn't make it. I had all kinds of intentions about writing a post, but I just couldn't. So here is what should have come, and I'm going to write it from the perspective of last night, because I already had it written in my head:

I love Sundays. I look forward to them so much. I have for a while. There was a time when I didn't, when I actually resented Sundays. But now I get excited about going to sleep on Saturdays, because Sunday comes next.

Today was an amazing day. I slept in a little later than I intended because I got a up a little later than I intended, but really it was fine. I listened to Still Remains while in the shower, which was definitely a good decision.

I pulled up to church a few minutes late, but with people still streaming in and looked to see if I could fin anyone I knew. I couldn't see Joseph anywhere, who was actually my number one choice to sit with. As I was looking I started to get into the worship, and I just got lost. I don't think I knew any of the songs, but it didn't make the slightest difference. I just sang and closed my eyes and felt the Holy Spirit come upon that place. What a beautiful feeling. At one point the singing died down, but the music kept going, and Beth started reading this homily. It was listing all these miracles that God had performed and talking about His worthiness and His goodness. I almost started crying and just got swept away. I keep realizing how bad off with God I had gotten. Things . . . when Heather and I met, when we got together I was so well off, and then . . . I just made all these practical decisions that led to my walls crumbling. But standing there hearing of God's mighty acts, everything just washed away, I just loved God, I just trusted Him, I just wanted to see Him work.

After the singing Bonnie noticed I was standing along the back and invited me to come sit with her and her family. I am so thankful for Bonnie. She has this way of making you feel welcome, like you've been a part of things forever. She does it at small group too.

Aaron was talking about God's light shinning forth from Zion. I'm not sure how much I can really say. I know the message was fantastic. I know it resonated with me. I know I felt God speaking, but I'm not sure I can say much more about the content. It really was just about God's light shinning.

One particular point of interest. He used a scripture that I had read, either the day before or on Friday. I was praying, and I wanted God to speak and I opened the Word to Psalm 46:5

"God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day."

Oh God . . . what are you doing?

So after service I go and find where all my new friends were sitting. Everyone was really happy to see me, and it was a wonderful feeling. Almost immediately Colby invites me to go to Taco Bell with everyone for lunch. So after taking an absurdly long time to get everyone moving we go and have lunch. Just hanging out, talking, laughing. At some point I realized, I feel a part of this . . . and yet I don't. I'm somehow . . . out of sorts. These people are ready and willing to take me in, and we get along. But something is amiss. I'm not myself, I feel . . . I don't know. But I didn't have much time to think about it. People started heading out, so they let me know about the plans for after group tonight and we all went our separate ways.

I came home and immediately cracked the word a little bit. Did some prayer journaling. Still feeling good, but just not feeling like I was getting a lot. So I played video games for a while. Got bored of that and then laid around, deciding what to do . . . or really make a list of things I should do but wasn't. I almost got up to clean my room . . . but then Brian came in and wanted to watch the Nascar race, so I laid down and pretended to watch while I really took a nap. I think we bonded. He kept making comments and I'd make sleepy non-specific responses to make him think I was watching. I think he really enjoyed it.

I woke up not long before I needed to leave for small group. I picked up the guitar and tried to practice my new song I wrote, by my fingers were still sore from how much I'd played the last two days. So I left.

I got there on the late end, when most everyone had shone up. Rachel was just arriving as I did which was good. She and I went to high school together so its been nice to have her at small group and feel a little more connected.

There were a few more people there this week and it was great to see everyone again, and meet the new people. We watched this long video about the 'Invisible Children' project and then talked with a friend of Aaron's who is a missionary in Bangledesh.

After small group we headed into downtown Nashville, near Belmont to eat at this little chic bar/cafe called PM. I rode down with Dan, Alyssa, Joy, and Colby. We took the long way and drove down music row, looking at the multitude of recording studios in tiny old stone homes.

PM itself was an interesting experience. We waited for a while because they had trouble accomdating all 15 of us. So at first we just stood in the entrance way, dominating the small space. We ended up sitting at two different tables anyhow. Overall it was great. The food was good, I really enoyed the atmosphere, and I had a really good time talking and joking and laughing with the people around me. Dan's wife Alyssa was the only girl at our table of 10, so it was great to be around all those guys. In general I felt the same way I did at lunch. I was so close to being a part of it. But something just wasn't quite right. I tried to put my finger on it. Some of it was the usual in that situation. I just didn't know some of the jokes, I didn't have the same established relationships. Some of it was me, in that I still didn't feel like myself. Some of it was memories. That place just felt like Heather, down to the bartender who looked just like her older brother Tim. Some of it though, had to do with one thing in particular.

There was a movie playing on the television screen behind the sushi bar, which was at the end of our two tables. The movie was "The Protector," with Tony Jaa, a spiritual successor to his first American released movie, "Ong-Bak." "Ong-Bak" is overall a much better movie, despite its smaller budget. But there are good parts of "The Protector," and both feature excellent fight scenes displaying Jaa's incredible Mauy Thai talents and general athleticism.

What caught everyone's attention about the movie, however, was a scene that involves a guy in a mud hot tub with two girls. One of whom is not wearing a top. Now there are 3 things that struck me here. 1) I don't remember this from when I watched the movie 2) Are they really showing this, unedited in the resteraunt (turns out most of the sushi chefs there are Thai and were EXTREMELY engrossed in watching the movie) and 3) Most importantly, why are all the guys around me glued to the screen?

When I realized what was going on I did everything I could not to look at the screen, despite wanting to watch the movie. I wanted to wait til that part was done. But as I looked down the table I noticed every single guy I was sitting with had their eyes glued to the screen. Are you serious? All I could think of was Job 31:1 "I have made a covenant with my eyes." Even Dan, who's wife was sitting right across from him was staring at the screen. And I realized I'm not where they are. And I'm really not sure where I fit into the grand sheme of guys who follow Christ. I though myself average at best. With boughts of being incredible, and periods where I fail. But here I am, the only one who doesn't want to see what is on that screen. And for my covenant with a woman who currently hates me, for reasons almost completely separate from what was really wrong with me. Is this real?

But that, even that didn't totally explain it, the feeling of being just slightly out of place. And I felt it nearly the whole time.

So we kept laughing and joking around, including Dan making a gay joke about Matt and Aaron (not the pastor) to our gay waiter. The waiter was unimpressed. I, however, found the exchange hilarious.

We all head outside and stand in the middle of the street talking for a while longer, and then head our seperate ways. I'm not sure if I spoke on the ride home. My mind so somewhere else. It was processing so many things. When we got back to the parking lot we stood and talked a few minutes more, than got in our cars and finally headed "home."

On the way home I felt so restless. I couldn't even settle on what I wanted to think about, much less what I thought about any of it. My future, God's will, my new friends, community, Heather, my life, my family, what I wanted. All these things just raced through my mind, none hanging around for even a few seconds. I could tell I wouldn't want to do anything when I got home. And I didn't. I tried spending time with God. I figured maybe He'd want to speak to me. But . . . I just didn't seem to get anything. I sat around and watched tv for a while, made all the more depressing because it was so utterly unfulfilling. There was nothing good on. I just didn't want to do anything else. I didn't want to spend time with God because if He was so interested in talking to me, I felt I shouldn't have to work for it. I'd already tried. I didn't want to play games. I didn't want to write this post. I didn't want to call anyone. I didn't want to sleep. I certainly didn't want to watch tv. But that actually took the least effort. Even as I flipped through 7 channels endlessly.

So I finally crawl into bed. And now I'm laying here, looking back over the day and wondering how I can possibly really tell of what's gone on in my head.

This morning with church was great. I felt close to God. I felt purpose in just being His child. I wanted to get back involved with Young Life, I wanted to save lives. I wanted . . . I wanted everything.

At different points today I've felt God's calling in 1,000 different directions. I felt I wanted to stay here in Nashville and find a job and do Young Life. Sometimes high school, sometimes quest (college). Dustin (Aaron's missionary friend) invited me to come to Bangladesh and teach. Either media stuff or pastoral training, and I almost said yes right then. At multiple points I've wanted to go into Christian music. Sometimes on the business side. Sometimes as a singer, or guitarist, if I learn to play better. I've wanted to move to Africa and track down and kill African warlords. I've wanted to go to medical school and move to south and spread the gospel through health care. I've wanted to move to the third world and spread God's word. I've wanted to stay in the U.S. and get a nice paying job and be generous and do domestic missions (younglife, neighbor outreach). I've wanted to teach college. To be a college minister. To get my masters in media and help spread the gospel that way. To work part time jobs just to save up enough money to go do a mission trip somewhere and then go live for a few months. I've wanted almost everything. And that's just job wise.

So what has been constant. I want to serve God and spread His word.

Some of that involves going overseas. Now I don't have the same desire other people have to do this. I don't think its absolutely necessary, and I don't think I'll be personally if I don't. I think lots of people in our generation have allowed cultural (secular or Christian) influence to overemphasize such missions. I can remember somebody joking about Christian foreign missions bimbos. Girls who get all googalied eyed because some guy has been to Zimbabwe to spread the word. I hate girls like that. But I think God has placed a genuine desire in my heart to enable those people to spread the gospel themselves. And has given me skills that are important to furthering that. And so I am going to do that. Long term, short term, frequent, once a year. Whatever, it will happen.

Also, far from getting any better, in the last three weeks my love for and devotion to Heather has only increased. It doesn't get any easier. I think that is part of my misplacement. I'm not sure I could be doing much more to be with God right now. I am so chasing Him. And so close to Him . . . and yet. There is something missing. I can feel it. I can feel it in how I think my dreams have started becoming normal. In feeling out of place in places I have no reason to feel that way. In not feeling like myself, even when I'm being myself.

On the way back from PM's I had this moment in the car where I wasn't even sure what my personality really is. Who I am and what I act like. I was totally unsure. I should not feel like this. Especially not now.

On the upside, Friday and Saturday were filled with a lot of bitterness for me. But right now . . . its just gone. I am so ready to love her. So ready to work on this and move on. I just want to shower her with this incredible love.

And as for God's "one week" message . . . there was a time earlier today when I though he'd already done it. But now . . . heck I'm not even sure that anything will happen, that I didn't just make it up. But . . . whatever it is . . . I am ready. I am ready.