Take that, death. (part 2)

And yet there is more to say.

When I think about it . . . I still am prone to deny what God has said. I still want to dismiss it and be afraid of having my heart broken again. Yet . . . can I . . . even now?

I was thinking of Thomas today. Of how disillusioned he must have been when Christ died. Of how he doubted so much he wanted to touch the wounds of the resurrected Christ. And I realized God is not mad at me. I have doubted, so much, so often, and He says, "Hey . . . I understand why, touch my wounds and see I am real."

I have become aware of something else as well. I tend to get pretty down about how small and weak I think my faith is. About how much bigger and stronger I wish it was. And the last few days I've been talking to a few people, and I've realized just how much better off I am than I thought. I know God speaks, and I know how to hear Him. I believe He can do anything. I believe if I can hear His call, I can throw myself at it without fear (though I still have fear in the hearing). God just builds me up, because He rocks.

This morning at worship I had an incredible moment. I was worshiping, and I noticed everyone tends to go up. They lift their hands, they raise their eyes/heads. And I wasn't doing it. I mean at times I was, but mostly my inclination of being lost in that expression was to clench my arms. To get on my knees and bow down. To place my arms over my head. And I wondered why and then I heard it. "You are a warrior. My warrior." And there it was. God just rings my ears.

What makes that even more incredible is how much that idea has been on my heart lately. Every morning for the past 4 days or so I've woken up feeling this desire to . . . fight, to destroy.

I've also been hearing lyrics lately, to songs I've heard 100 times before. And one is by this great band called Destroy the Runner. And I just heard this line yesterday: "Take my hands and turn them into weapons. Change my plans, and make them into yours. Take this man, and turn his sight from demons. All I am is wanting You more."

God is . . .

God just is!

Okay, so all of this must seem very disconnected and crazy. I'm just hyped up on God and Him being awesome and speaking and . . . just . . . yeah.

I will leave all you my dear friends with this:

We fall on our faces and say we are not worthy. But that is not true, it just used to be. The sacrifice of blood is not to cover us up. It is not to make us look like we are worthy. It is not to exploit a loophole that gives us access to life with God despite not being worthy. The blood of Christ washes us. God used the sinless Lamb to reconcile us to Himself. Washing away and forgetting our transgressions.

We are princes and princesses of the King of kings. The ruler of all. The conqueror of the world. The conqueror of death.

We have become the righteousness of God.

Take that, death.

Take that, death. (part 1)

Easter. What a freaking day.

I talked to B-Tran earlier today. He asked me how my week was, and I said great. He asked me what my favorite part was . . . and I couldn't pick between 3 different days. Things are so good. God is so good.

I am not sure I can write this post. Too much to say. Too much joy. Today was not the best day I've ever had, but it was way up there. Also, I keep telling myself I'm not going to mention Heather in my post, and I fail, but this time I didn't have a chance.

Today's awesomeness really started last night. I was being tempted to feel bad. To feel lonely, and empty, and hopeless, and covered in sin. But I didn't give in. I just fought and prayed. Flipping sweet.

So all day I'd been praying God to just take Heather off my heart. I found myself thinking about her a lot. And I really didn't want to, so I just kept praying for God to change that. There are multiple entries in my prayer journal with different iterations of, "God, take her away from my brain and my heart, I'm having trouble." Well, I kept praying it because He wasn't doing it.

So last night, I went to Him. I did something I do all the time to hear Him, praying to be spoken to about something and then opening the Bible wherever He leads me. So I do that. I open it with my prayer journal:

"I don't know what to pray. I feel everything and I feel nothing. Please God, be with me. You have spoken, I have not heard. I have not listened. Ring my ears."

Now I was ready for anything, my heart was leaning towards nothing, just wanting to hear. Just knowing He's been speaking and wanting to know what it was.
My first prayer was, "God is Heather still the one?" Which is really kind of a crappy question, the reality of that question is just "is she the one?", no "still."

So I open my Bible and its the beginning of Titus. Yeah, one of the earliest parts is that elders must be the husband of but one wife, but I don't think much of it. Whatever.

My second prayer was, "Should I try to contact her?" And God led me again to the start of Titus. Same page. So I find that interesting, but no real message in it.

So I pray my third prayer. "God, should I be moving on? Should my heart be preparing for another woman?" I open my Bible and its the pretext notes for Galatians. The specific words I'm looking at are a section heading declaring "Don't give in!" Um . . . okay. Are . . . am I reading this right? So I read a little of Galatians and at the beginning of chapter 2 Paul mentions Titus. Well I've seen that name already tonight . . . things are getting a little beyond coincidence.

I decide it might be a good idea to go back and recheck what I had gotten before. So I go back to the first question. "God is Heather still the one?" I open my Bible and its at 2 Thessalonians. The section heading: "Stand Firm" You have got to be kidding me.

I leave my questioning of God at that and go back to read Galatians. In chapter 3 Paul talks about the curse of being hung on a tree, which I find interesting because of a discussion of the importance of crucifixion that took place on Wednesday night. So I look up the verse, Deuteronomy 21:23. The last sentence says, "You must not desecrate the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance." And there's that word again. Which normally I wouldn't be prone to take out of context, but everything, and I mean everything is tying together here.

But still I keep a cool head. I am a little scared, I'm trying to not let my desires rule how I interpret these things. I write in my pj:

"Father if these things are true, confirm them in my dreams and/or events tomorrow."

The night passes without dreams and I get up early and head off to church excited to worship and have a great Easter. Worship was amazing. I was so happy and in love with my savior. I was gone in praise and lost in worship and it was wonderful. Then Aaron gets up to speak, and he was great as well.

Thing is, Aaron didn't preach a traditional Easter sermon. The title of today's message, "The Resurrection is telling you . . ." and in it he gave 3 bullet points to complete that sentence. The first was "Its not over." The second was Jesus saying, "I am always in control." And the third, "I will make it better."

Okay . . . I'm . . . I'm a little weirded out now. And it gets worse. Much worse.

After a few various activities during the day I find myself sitting around at about 5:30-6, waiting to leave for the Young Adults bonfire and ice cream party over at dJoy's. I decide to check my email and find I have two Facebook messages from Emily. I like correspondence, and I have a few minutes so I check it.

The first one says she was writing because she thought of me this morning, and talks about waiting on the Lord, and she sign's it with "Don't lose heart."

The second one gets even crazier. Emily sent the first before catching up on the blog and after doing so she had more to say. "When you're reunited, the old Zach will be gone and the old Heather will be gone; remember this is about redemption, making ALL things new." Yeah. I know. Two messages, unprompted, that speak of standing firm and in believing in reconciliation, one of which references the same concept from the sermon this morning.

And still I remain skeptical. I say, "Well . . . maybe your own desires are changing your view, just put it out of your mind."

So I head over to the CIL Young Adult party and have an absolutely amazing time. I laughed so hard and felt so much a part of the group. I was so freaking happy being there. Oh my gosh!

Eventually I come home. I'm thinking a little of what I'm going to put in the blog, and I'm reflecting over all the stuff that seems it could be God speaking in the last day. I was formulating writing on here about whether it was wrong to hear all that had happend thus far and still not believe. I was wondering if God would be upset. You get the idea.

I decide to spend a little time with God. I write in the pj a little, just general praise and thanks to God. Then I crack the Bible, asking nothing of God but to spend time with Him. To get some love and get filled up and get to know Him better. I open the Bible to Mark 9:14-29. In the passage Jesus heals a young boy possesed by a spirit. The verse that stopped me in my tracks was 24. "Immediately the boy's father exlaimed, 'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.'" I think God is trying to see how many times He can blow my mind in a 24 hr period. I read it over and over and over. All I can think is, "That's not what I was looking for. I just wanted to spend time with You." But there it is. An answer to the questions I wasn't even asking.

But still I dismiss it.

I ask God about something else, about something I believe He has asked me to do. I open the Bible to hear Him speak. Song of Solomon, 8:6-7. "Place me like a seal over you heart . . ."

Um . . . my first Wednesday night small group that was the text. Emily sent it to me about a week ago. This cannot be real. This is not what I was looking for. And yet here it is.

It seems God is trying to remove every shred of doubt. He wants me aware of His plans regarding Heather. Well okay . . . You've gotten my attention. Now what?!

Fire and water, wind and waves

Prudence would dictate that I go to bed and leave writing this for tomorrow when I have some free time. But I need to get the thoughts out tonight, before my perspective changes. Perspective, as we have learned, is a very dangerous thing.

What a day, I feel like there's just a magnitude of thoughts and feelings that have been going on and I'm not even sure where to begin, much less how to get it all out. And I still have more academic things I want to write on. Oh I am awash. Do you ever wish you were dummer? I do.

I was back on the game today. Right when I woke up I cracked the prayer journal.

"Oh God, come and be the Lord of my life. Reign over me.
Let no thought, no move, no word, and no breath be made without You."

I listened to so much music today. I finally cracked Underoath out again, for the first time in a few days. I've been addicted to Anorexia/Nervosa as of late. I've noticed since Heather left me how terribly little I listened to my music when I was with her. I just didn't have occasion to. Didn't drive much, and when I did I tried to listen to stuff she'd like (yeah, I know, its funny how that worked out huh?). And when I was hanging out I let her use the mp3 player so she would have music. And then I just didn't really have a system for listening to it when I did have it, or we were hanging out. As a result I had all this new music that I had gotten that I hadn't listen to. Either from September, October, or December. And I've been listening to it all.

I realized something recently, although I'm not exactly sure when. Everything Heather said on the last day we spoke, I could have said the same things. I felt every one of those things, for myself, but I knew they weren't her fault, well, one kinda was. But its just kinda crazy, how all those things were true for me and we just handled it very differently. I gave up certain friendships because we mutually decided to hedge in our relationship against temptation and jealousy (preemptively, not because of problems). I wasn't listening to my music. I wasn't doing things that make me feel alive and that sit strongly in my heart. She had problems with my mom. And those are all correlatives to the things she said. And the only one that was remotely her fault was not being able to forgive my mom. Well . . . whatever right?

Okay, so . . . right, back on track. I was listening to all this old new music. A new Before Their Eyes cd, a new War of Ages CD, a band called Sever Your Ties. So on and so on. In the meantime I finally got my room all tidied up. Kind of. There are places where things are not quite as organized as I'd like, but an outsider would find it well squared. I even brought in my brother's super nice lawn chair for a place to sit and read.

Speaking of which, I started a book today. Its called "Dreams and Spiritual Growth." I grabbed it at least 4 years ago off of the E&H library free case. I thought it looked interesting because recently I'd read a little about Daniel and Joseph and had become interested in such things. But I never read it. Then I meet and fall in love with Heather and pow, dreams are suddenly a much bigger deal (read here if you're unaware of why). So I don't realize what gift I have until after she leaves me, as it starts to fade and become less distinguishable. And then I see this book on my shelf and I'm thinking "Hmmm, I'm having dreams. I'm spiritual. I'm looking for growth." I'll let you know how it goes.

But today has had waves of its own. I've been completely convinced of God's promise to reunite Heather and I. I've thought nothing could be further from His plan. In the end . . . I don't care. I'm trusting. It'll turn out, one way or another. I'm following Him, I'm spending time with Him. I'm praying for her, I'm praying for Him to do things. I'm worshipping, I'm experiencing good fellowship. I'm growing and getting back to and ahead of where I was when we met. So whatever He's gonna do, I'm putting myself right in the path of it.

And I try to maintain that attitude. But then stuff happens.

I'd been feeling my heart pulling at Heather, remembering things and having desires while I cleaned. I wrote in my prayer journal after I'd finished my room:

"Good God do not turn me away. Come quickly and be with me. Please Lord, I know this time must be, but do not make it last long. Please return her to me."

So I grab my Bible looking to get some more food for the day. And here's where He leads me:

Psalm 66:1-5,8-12
"Shout with joy to God, all the earth!
Sing the glory of his name;
make his praise glorious!
Say to God, 'How awesome are your deeds!'
So great is your power
that your enemies cringe before you.

Come and see what God has done,
how awesome his works in man's behalf.


Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance."

I wish, I really really wish I hadn't written the part about bringing her back to me in my pj, because then this would just be general encouragement and I could trust without consideration for what is coming. But I pray, and He leads me there (the whole Psalm, I just included those parts). So now what am I supposed to think? I'm trying to think as little as possible. I'm trying to simply focus on the fact that He tied together specific references from the message theme He's been repeating in my life. Oh yeah, you should still be amazed.

Wednesday was about the fire. He's lead me to Matthew about the storm. And so much of the last week or so has been growth and perfection as a result of hardship. God is just a little wow.

A side note here. 4 times today when I prayed and opened my Bible I was at Psalm 118 . . . or maybe 117, I couldn't tell which He really intended, but I'm thinking 18. So if anyone has any thoughts, share please.

So tonight Rachel, Nick, and Bonnie and I met for dinner, and then came over here to watch 'The Passion of the Christ' for Black (Good) Friday. I've been looking forward to it ever since Nick mentioned it yesterday, despite my reservations about seeing the movie again. Dinner was freaking hilarious. The four of us together just . . . wow. I laughed so hard. I felt like myself. I felt like I belonged where I was. I've missed company like that.

The movie was . . . well it was what it is. Its gut wrenching, its powerful, its moving, it is true. Everybody held up surprisingly well, and I think less then 5 tissues were used, which is impressive because I thought Bonnie was going to lose it just at the title screen.

Afterwards we were all quiet for a few minutes, and then we started talking about it. I'll leave out most of what was said but there are a few things I'd like to note.

1) Lines that stuck out to me: Right before Jesus is beaten by the Roman soldiers He prays to God and says, "Father my heart is ready." Here He is ready to be beaten to the edge of what the human body can bear, as a precursor to what it cannot, and He says His heart, not His body is ready. There's a man whose head is in the right place.
When Jesus collapses while carrying the cross and Mary rushes out to Him. He turns and looks at her and says, "See mother, I make all things new." I'm almost in tears as I write it. 2 Corinthians 5:17.
Lastly, when He is on the cross, and He says, "It is accomplished."

2) I was particularly enthralled by Satan this time around, which has a lot to do with how much I've been listening to Anorexia/Nervosa lately.

3) Here's the big one. My last day at Lake Champion I had a realization. God's greatest act of mercy, is also His greatest act of justice. I thought of that tonight, of how the only reason God could act so merciful, is that His justice could not be circumvented. The only sinless man had to become sin, and bear the entire weight of the world, to bring justice. Thereby offering mercy.

We see this echoed again in Revelation, where the Lamb appears as one who has been slain. And the Lamb, whose blood was poured out to wash everyone white, is the same one who breaks the seals on the scroll, wreaking havoc and death upon the earth. The mediator of reconciliation and redemption, is the mediator of justice and wrath.

4) Nick, Rachel and I all thought of the guided prayer time at Kairos. Of what we said to Jesus, and what He said to us.


After we talked for a while we headed to Starbucks and then tore up Walmart. I was acting . . . I was very me. There was a moment where I was laughing really hard, and I started thinking about my life with Heather, about whether I'd been wrong about it all. I had this flash of thinking that I must have been wrong about her because we never laughed like that. But that's not true. That's not true at all. We used to laugh so hard. I remember how struck she was that I found her funny. How insecure about me still finding her that way, still finding her fun. We used to laugh.

I get home and spend a little time with God. I pray and write in the pj. Then I crack open the Bible and get two things. One is about the reign of Pekahiah, which I've gotten a number of times recently, and cannot make anything, and I mean anything, out of. Its a mystery.

The other was Psalm 74. I quit reading when I saw the word "inheritance." This can't be real. I'm putting it out of my mind, I'm just not dealing with it.

God is so good. I'd like to leave with one last thought. One last thing that stuck with me from the movie.

Mike said it at Kairos the other night, and it echoed in my ears tonight while watching the movie. I normally don't like traditional churches, but I like going to them for Black Friday services. I like the feeling of weight that comes with them. Mike was telling how they cover the cross in a black cloth and turn and so "Go home. There is nothing you can do. There is no hope."

I looked at Mary and Mary and John holding Jesus' lifeless body. I thought of Peter, the one who promised to follow Him anywhere, having denied Him and being found nowhere near the cross. I thought of . . . what stuck with me was the idea of being consumed by that hopelessness. Here Jesus Himself promises that He will die, but its okay because He's coming back. And yet when it actually happens. When the spear pierces His side. When His body is lowered from the cross. When they seal Him into a borrowed tomb. Imagine having hope at that moment. Imagine recalling everything He promised. The glory of the kingdom. The rebuilding of the temple.

I have been the doubter. I have been the disciples found nowhere near the cross. I have watched Him die while saying "don't", and then believed all was lost. I have replayed His promises in my ears and dismissed them.

I do not want to be that.

I want to be waiting by the tomb with streamers and a party hat.

I want to learn to never be afraid again.

Its easy. Jesus is on the throne.

Oh the waves (part 2)

I had three dreams last night.

In the first I had gone after Heather. I pursued her as I promised. And when I came to where I knew she was her mother was there and told me Heather was somewhere else. Somewhere I could not reach.

In my next dream I was living in a small Asian style house. During the day I could have the doors open, but it didn't matter because there was no light outside the house. It was surrounded in darkness. I had to close the doors at night so the bugs would not come in. Before I knew what happened I had died. When I asked the person I presume to be God why I suddenly saw myself closing up for the night. One of the bugs had bitten me on the foot. I saw it happening, and then watched myself die. I couldn't tell if I wasted away over a long time or if it happened quickly. It looked like both.

In the next dream I had been invited to a dinner party, a fairly large one. When I arrived at my table I realized Heather and I were the only people sitting there. It didn't look like Heather, it looked like another ex of mine, but I knew who it was, and she was still made at me. But then she said something during our tense conversation. Whatever it was I remember being distinctly aware that how she said it meant that she was planning on getting back with me. I asked her about it. She said she was planning on it. I asked her why we weren't getting back together right then. She answered but I couldn't totally understand her, but she said something about time.

Now I would normally chalk the first and third dreams up as just subjective except for three things.
1) I woke up immediately following all three dreams, which can be an indication of a dream of prophecy.
2) I haven't been having any dreams lately, which typically means something is coming
3) This one is the most significant and the most scary. As I was lying in bed last night I had this moment while I trying to go to sleep. I thought I could feel God telling me that I would dream in prophecy that night, because of how desperate I was.

Yes, you should indeed be amazed by that. And I should have to. But I wasn't. When I woke up, when I remembered that. I just wasn't. I wasn't amazed. I wasn't reassured. I wasn't anything. Today was the first day in more than a month that I didn't write in my prayer journal and read the Letter first thing when I awoke. I went out and did yard work instead. I didn't open my prayer journal or the Bible until sometime after 7 pm.

When I got back from playing frisbee golf with Nick I went upstairs and put on jeans and a tee and grabbed my old Vans to go skateboarding again. I finally settled down after about an hour. I finally cracked my prayer journal. I wrote a little and tried getting into the Word, but exactly what I wrote I was afraid of in my pj happened. I didn't get anything out of it. I missed whatever it was. So I went to check my email. I've been fairly eagerly awaiting an email from Joy ever since I sent one to her two days ago. I'd forgotten how much I like conversing with her. And low and behold, there it is. She said she was praying for me and came across two verses, one of which particularly struck me.

Romans 5:3-5"we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Really?

No . . . freaking really?

So as soon as I was done reading her email I went upstairs and opened my Bible again. To:

Matthew 8:27 "The men were amazed and asked, 'What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!"

Freaking really?

Of course I was supposed to read the whole story, but my eyes fell on that verse because the summation was the important part for me.

So now the reason for the title of this post comes around, and really it has a few reasons. One of course is that story. of the incredibleness of God repeating messages. When He wants you to hear something, He doesn't stop.

The other though, is the multiple meanings for waves. God is asserting His power over the "waves" (and the wind) of the storm which currently besets me. And this is something to which I submit, even though I grow weary of believing what He seems to have said the outcome will be.

"Waves" has another meaning though, because it describes how my though process has been in all this. Everything comes in waves. Waves of varying intensity and length. At times I feel so assured of everything God has done to say Heather is to be my wife. At times I can only focus on how far away and unlikely that seems. At times I can just trust God and not care either way or about anything. And at times I just scream to make what He's clearly trying to tell me just a little more visible. At times I want to participate in Heather coming to a place of reconciliation. And at times I spend all my efforts on ridding myself of her. At times I feel myself and so charged up and over the top ready and capable to do the things God has laid on me. And at times I just feel like He hasn't done or said anything for me, ever.

Now before anyone jumps, I cut through everything. I've found that have reacquired something of my center and I can search out the peace of God which rests upon right thinking, to a certain extent. What's most troublesome about this is where it intersects Heather.

I've spent the last three days praying weird prayers. I've committed myself each day to praying God to take Heather off of my heart. And each day He has done things to assert that she is my future. I also prayed yesterday for Him to forgive her, because she doesn't understand, she's just confused. I believe God is doing good things in this, but I still don't think its right. And the last two days or so I've taken to praying for God to change what He seems to want. I've been reasoning with Him about how it would actually be more miraculous for Him to make me satisfied with some other woman and some other story than to reconcile with Heather. Just . . . weird.

I noticed something while I was mowing today though. Everything single thing I do to help heal my heart of Heather does not work. I go to God for comfort and He either (rightfully) just speaks of His love for me, says nothing, or confirms her. I try to come up with logical reasons to move on, and the only ones I can find are soaked in bitterness and otherwise un-Christlike thinking. The last few days I've been trying, I've been going out of my way to be attracted to other females, to develop little crushes or whatever. For naught. All of it. And its so freaking hard. It seems that I constantly run up against things that make me feel further away from Heather. That seems to steal all hope and all belief in promise. That allow me only to focus on what she has done and where her heart must be. Why just tonight, when I was trying to do something good, for God, I was confronted with this. I was looking for a picture of me go along with something I was working on and I was made aware that Heather has deleted our engagement pictures. Kind of a no-brainer but still. Seeing her behave in such ways. Knowing what that says about her heart. It hurts worse than I can say.

And yet I can't identify a single freaking thing from God that seems to point in any other direction.

After I read the Matthew 8 section I layed down and tried to hear God. I'm so tossed up by everything that my discernment still feels so incapable. But . . . I think I heard the same thing I did from Tuesday night. Him telling me everything He's said is right. I've tried . . . and I just can't think of what else it could be.

So two questions remain . . . more as curiosity than anything. This fire, this valley, this storm . . . what lies on the other side? And how long until He calms the waves?

Ideally I should end the post there right? From a literary perspective, from a dramatic perspective that's the right place. But something else does need to be said.

When I started writing this post I did not want to be doing it. At all. While I was writing it I felt so . . . far from where I was the other night. I felt so overwhelmed by the waves, mental and otherwise. But as I finished I noticed something. I felt better. I feel like myself right now. I feel like God's sitting right here, whispering in my ear with an arm draped around me in a way more brotherly than comforting. Whatever is found of me in what has been written, there is truth. But just know that through where I've been, this is where I stand. I am me. There is hope. There is promise. There is a good and mighty God. He has conquered the world. He has conquered death. Tomorrow's gonna be a great day. You don't even know. But you will.

Oh the waves (part 1)

I've been sitting here staring at the screen for a few minutes. I'm not entirely sure what to right. Really I'm not even remotely aware. But I didn't write last night because I felt the same way. Unsure of what to write, and really not wanting to do it.

I'm so freaking frustrated. I just want to kick and scream and fight and destroy. I want everything and I want nothing. Let's go back.

Yesterday was a weird day. I got up and did more work around the house. I spent time with God, I kept praying, and taking breaks to read the word. But I just didn't feel where I had been the night before. I think I woke up with a very reassured sense of Heather and I being reunited. Freaking stupid.

But . . . well, I'll go on. The day just kind of droned on. Nothing really happened, spiritually or event wise. I went skateboarding for a little while, because I needed to not go insane. The day before I'd so been looking forward to Wednesday night group. But as the day wore on I realized I didn't want to go. I just wanted to retreat away from everyone and everything. I was definitely suffering from the comma.

So I force myself to go. And I show up just on the edge of being late. Anyhow I sit down behind Steve and Trish and Andy. Now I want to get something out of the way before I get to the meat of this story. I noticed last night that my Wednesday night group has a few more immature people in it than my Sunday night group. I was aware of it last night paying attention to how some of the people were acting. What's odd is that there are some really great people there as well, but you can kind of tell who is who by where they sit. Mature people sit at the back and on the left side. Immature people tend to sit around the table and in the alcove on the right. Seriously.

So on to the real issues. Last night, the discussion topic was essentially the same thing as the message from Kairos the night before, and thereby my CIL meeting from Sunday night. No I am not lying. Its freaking Holy Week. Everybody should be doing traditional Holy Week things and what do I get. I go to three different services and get the same main point from each. God has purpose in hard times, trust it. Its freaking Holy Week.

Jennifer started by saying she knew it was Holy Week but she had wanted to take a different look at the cross and present it from a new angle. Yeah. So I'm still not sure how exactly she was trying to tie the passage from Matthew (the Crucifixion) into her main point. But that's not really important. What's important is that she was talking about how fire is purifying, and how it is good. Yeah, your jaw should be on the floor.

But the story has a twist. I'd say it was about 3/4 of the way through the night when I realized . . . it wasn't effecting me. I didn't feel anything. I should have been amazed. I should have been praising God. But nothing. I felt absolutely nothing.

I tried to hang out for a few minutes after the meeting, but I was so distracted. I had heard God, I knew what I was hearing but . . . how could I feel like this. I should be looking for a spot to cry in thankful prayer. I should be worshiping. I should be . . . feeling something. But I didn't, so I was even more distracted. So I just left.

As I turned my phone on I had a voicemail from Rachel, she and Nick were hanging out and while no one else from church was there they wanted me to come. I went where they said they were going to be in the message, but they weren't there so I turned and left. I drove home feeling . . . even more empty, and starting to run into the other side. Sadness. Loneliness. Anger.

When I got home no one was here. I had no emails. No one was online to talk to. I knew that nobody I could call would answer my calls right then. I was completely and utterly alone. God was calling me to spend time with Him. And I didn't want to. I was so . . . I don't even know what. I think angry, but I'm not sure. So here I was sitting at this choice. And I decided to push back. I reached back into my past and grabbed a hold of some old sin and tried to get back at God. I don't know for what. For being lonely? For everything that's gone on with Heather? For not striking me with words that should have. I don't know. But it didn't work.

I had one of those moments last night where you realize something you know; where you become acutely aware of something you have academically acknowledged. I became all too aware of what sin does to us hear on earth. Of how it alienates us. From God and from others. I was trying to fill my God shaped hole, and it just felt bigger. I wanted Heather more. I both wanted God more and felt less able to turn to Him. Even though I felt lonelier I equally wanted less to do with people. I wanted to just sink.

So I rallied a little. I prayed a little. I read a tiny bit of the Letter. I found B-Tran and asked him to pray for me.

I sat here and stared at another blank posting screen for who knows how long, wanting to get something out. But . . . even though I had so much to say, none of it could come.

I walked upstairs and layed on the floor. I wrote in my prayer journal. I tried to read the Bible. But still . . . nothing worked. I never felt better. Still just a mix of empty, and dejected, and heaped under darkness. I went to sleep just so it would go away.

Jesus is indeed on the throne

I don't . . . I'm really not even sure of what to say. It's been an amazing day. I know this will be a long post, which is funny because I write absurdly long posts anyhow. What can I say, I'm a writer at heart.

First things first, I don't think I've listened to Underoath all day. Yeah, I know. Today has instead been filled mostly with Showbread's Anorexia/Nervosa project; which is one of the best art pieces I have ever, ever encountered. They made these two albums where the songs are really designed as background music to the story of two sisters written on the CD inserts. The stories are dark and unbelievably engaging. But ultimately they are beautiful and amazing. Of course the music can be listened to without reading the stories (ideally after you have experienced it as intended) and its just . . . the stuff is wow.

Weird thing happens I've noticed. When I get really close to God, and really into my personality and masculinity, I want to curse a lot. Not in an angry or hurtful way. More in a cheering way mostly. Like when somebody praises God my brain goes "**** Yeah!" And then it second guesses itself and says, "really?" I also want to curse at/about Satan a lot. Call him names when he comes at me, things like so. I don't think this is normal. I'm pretty sure its not good, but it is what it is.

I got up really early this morning for having gone to bed late last night and then not being able to sleep. And I felt it. I lounged around for a little while and suckled on some cinnamon rolls (heck yes). Finally I got cracking and went upstairs to help my mom get the house in order. There was stuff everywheres. I'm not sure we made any identifiable progress, but that's okay.

That's how I spent most of my day. I almost deleted the blog today. I almost got rid of it all and decided never to touch it again. I had another few experiences of finding out my readership is MUCH bigger than I thought. And I'm not sure how to feel about it. My only peace in it is that I've realized this is God's doing. He got me started on this and wants me doing it. I'm not sure why but . . . the more I thought about it, the more I found myself wondering if I could increase the readership more. Maybe submit posts to websites as articles. Tell people to tell their friends. Fish on forums. God just does crazy crap. And He is doing something here.

I realized I've started to think in post writing. I evaluate how I feel as though I'm putting it on here, and I guess its working. I'm getting better at figuring things out. But today has been a crazy day.

My first prayer journal entry of the day went like this:

"Be with me God.
I'd love for today to be the day. I'd love for what I believe to be true.
But just get me through today.
Draw me near."

As I copy this down I'm getting all "heck yes" for two reasons. One is that God delivered big time. I can't even remember all the things I've had revealed to me today, much less tell all of them here. There really is too much to today.

Second is that I'm doing it. I'm doing what Emily said the other day. I need to just be focused on obeying God daily. And I had that message echoed to me from a friend yesterday. And then today, I start out my morning without even realizing I was doing so, and then I take a break for lunch. And sitting in my email inbox is a letter from a very dear friend of mine who is appropriately named Joy. The email was long and said a lot, but the relevant part can be summed up like this "it is our job to trust, and through that trust the Lord will fill you with an inexplainable peace."

I was taken aback when I got the email. When she said what she did. God has used three different people on three successive days to deliver that message. Alright, You got my attention.

And then here I discover I started doing it without realizing. Things just get better and better.

There is still so much to go.

So Nick calls me earlier today, says he is coming back in to town and heard I was hitching down to Kairos with Rachel and (a different) Joy. We'll call her dJoy. So he has decided to go along, which is great because now there is another guy going. So we meet at 5:30 and hang out for a few while Rachel shows up late and those two eat ( I already ate with moms) and then we're gone.

The drive down was good. We talked the whole way, and a lot of it was spiritual. We just all kept chiming in and adding things and sharing. It was all good ground, and it was all real, and it was all valuable. Why don't Christians talk like that with each other more?

So we get there and find our way to the new location for Kairos. And its a big improvement. dJoy decided to come separate with Katie and Becca. So we save a few sits and kick it while we wait for the service to begin. Rachel tells this story about some guy who told his wife how many pieces of toilet paper she could use. Seriously? I would love to go to work on that guy. God has stripped me of some of the aggressive elements of my personality. But still whenever I hear of a guy mistreating a girl, I just want to go town. And this is me. Makes me wonder about how Heather could accuse me of some of what she did. Oh well right?

So the service gets started with singing just a few lines, and then a few moments of silence to prepare our hearts. I'm standing there looking at the cross graphic on the screen and I hear it. "Follow me." You got it.

The band kicks up and I throw myself at worship. I get so lost. I'm just singing and focusing on God. Praising Him and feeling His love and returning it as best I can. At one point a thought breaks through though. I'm not sure Heather and I were ever at a place where I really worshiped around her. And I don't mean an emotional place. Just more of that practical decision stuff. We never went to a church or a service where I was really in it. Where I really worshiped. And this woman awakened spiritual gifts in me. Imagine what we could do. No wonder Satan is on the attack. He's freaking scared to death.

So then Mike gets up there. He starts the service with a guided prayer time. He tells us to close our eyes and he slowly weaves a picture. We start by focusing on Jesus and Holy Week in the abstract. Then suddenly he is putting pictures right before our eyes. We're in the crowd. Right there on the mount. Staring Jesus in the eyes as He hangs on the cross. Mike says we suddenly find ourselves at the front of the crowd, "so close you can hear the drops of blood as they fall in pools on the ground." We're looking Jesus in the eyes, and Mike asks what we want to say.

"Its my fault," my brain cries. "Its my fault you're there. I've done so much to put you there. Please just come down. Let me get up there."

Jesus gets tears in His eyes. He tries to speak and we lean in close to hear. Mike asks what He says.

And then God speaks to me, for the hundredth time today. "I love you. I love you so much. This is for you." Oh God what words to speak to my heart. And then, "Everything is as I have said." And I know what He is talking about. Really?

I'm so awash in everything. Mike goes on and I just start crying. Not a heavy sobbing cry. Just a cleansing, good and bad cry. So gentle and so good.

The main message was . . . well Mike talks about so much its kind of tough to boil down. You just have to be there, but it was amazing. The main passage was from Revelation 7. 6 of the 7 seals have been broken by the lamb. All hell has been brouth loose on earth, people are crying for reprieve. And in the middle of it everything stops. And suddenly every believer is present before God. Worshiping. Experiencing and in return expressing perfect love.

Then, almost at the end Mike says this is tied to Psalm 23. And then he brings it together. All troubles, all storms, every hard thing. There is no need for fear. Jesus, the good shepard, is intentionally leading us through the valley of the shadow of death, because we have to be perfect, and we have to learn not to be afraid. And every tear for what has passed, God will hold us and wipe them away.

The end message, the phrase that still rings in my ears is this: If you get picked up and put on the other side of the valley you'll just be right back at the start of the valley. You have to learn to never, ever be afraid again. My heart just exploded.

So I am lost in all this. I am so jazzed, so in love with my savior. So ready for the fight and the waiting of what He seems to have promised in my future with Heather. And simultaneously so unconcerned. So what if I'm wrong? So what if I've heard wrong? It'll be fine. And this short paragraph is huge. There is so much there. Go back and read it again. This is the culmination of everything I have written.

But the day is not over. God has more in store.

While at Kairos I had this moment. God spoke to me while Mike was speaking, He told me I needed to be back at ministry. I needed to search out Young Life in Nashville and I needed to be a leader in my CIL small group, and that I needed to speak at a service like this. And then . . .

dJoy and Katie and Becca never found us. They called us as we were leaving and told us to meet them at Fido. Fido is a super sweet coffee house near West End. Rachel and Nick and I got there and ordered and were standing in line. And I look over at these two people sitting in this botth next to the line. And the girl has a freaking Young Life sticker on her computer. I do my first ever triple take. Really God? Really?

So I say hi to her and we exchange a little info and I leave with the area directors number. I am unbelieving, and how?

We order and the three other girls show up and we all hang and talk and laugh. Then dJoy and Katie and Becca (whom I still haven't officially met, even after sitting next to her) leave. Rachel and Nick and I stay and hang out for I don't know how long. Talking about the service, talking about God. Nick and I talk about Bangladesh, and about getting a service like Kairos started on the north side. At some point I realize something amazing. I feel like myself. I am acting like myself. How long has it been? I have no idea, but it feels better than I can describe.

Longest post ever? Don't know, maybe. Whatever. What's amazing is knowing that there is stuff I left out, and stuff I've forgotten. Here are the end thoughts.

God rocked me today. I was faithful and He was more than that. He delivered big time and I'm just waiting to get up tomorrow and start attacking this stuff.

Part of me is sad that God is not speaking to me through Scripture right now, as He usually does, but hey, what I'm getting is good.

I am better than ever. There is so much good I can say I can't say any of it. There are so many things I could share, about how Christ has and is moving and shaping my heart.

Just know this. Zach Frank is back, and there is a mighty, mighty God with him.

Dirty And Left Out

A song title by Aaron Gillespie's side-band, The Almost. (Gillespie is Underoath's drummer and clean, i.e. not screaming, vocalist).

Its so good, and I've been listening to it today.

"Hello, I swear I won't be too long
Hello, I promise I'll be real strong
Wait up, I just wanna tell you
Hold up, why are you still here?

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Why do, you wanna be all listenin' to me
Why do, you spread your arms and tell me I'm free
Why do, you wanna be in my life
In my life

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Jesus, Jesus,
There's something about your name
Master, savior, Jesus

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Jesus
Jesus"

I don't know how to describe days like today. It feels like lots happens, and yet nothing really does. It all happens inside my head and at the end of the day . . . I'm not sure what any of it amounts to. I'm not sure where my thoughts lay; where they have led me.

I woke up . . . assured. After everything that went on yesterday, and having only subjective dreams last night, and waking up a few times in the night just to pray . . . I woke up feeling assured. And mostly about Heather. This is not the end. There will be reconciliation. There will be cleansing blood. Do I believe those thoughts? We'll see. Part of me does, part of me can't help but do so. And yet I still wonder . . . have I heard You wrong? And if I have heard You right, do I trust? I guess we'll see.

My mom is off for spring break this week and she was foul when I got up. Never said anything about why, but I realised how much of how I deal with problems, and dealt with them with Heather, I picked up from my mom. That is not a good things. I knew it but . . . . God what I wouldn't give to treat you a million times better than I did. Which is funny because . . . you used to tell me how great I treated you.

At least I think so. Today has been shrouded in doubt about everything. I wake up feeling assured. And I think that is my prevailing attitude, but at times today . . . I couldn't have been further from it. Oh how far she has been from my heart. Other things too, which I haven't yet brought up.

The other night one of the missionaries I've met lately was talking about this girl he knew. She was planning on going to a country near her own to do missions work. The country she was heading to is extremely hostile towards American missionaries, but "Alice" was in a much better position to do work. Some people very close to her got wind of this and did some bad things to her. And the guy I met, he was talking about how she never said a bad word of them. How gracious she was about it. And what that had taught him about true freedom. About what Christ's freedom truly looks like. Freedom from bitterness. Freedom from sin. Freedom to love with reckless abandon.

At times today I have been there. At times I've wanted to get my say. To have my chance to yell and say all the mean things. My chance to reject. But that's not my true heart.

My true heart has this love . . . this unhuman, unexplainable love. This love that cares more about fixing things than who is right. This love that wants to spread its arms wide and say, "There's nothing I won't give for you. Just let me." Oh what a love. Its too big, too real, and has too much to give to be put here. Oh Heather, if you could know this love. You used to.

At times today I've been covered in doubt, trying to convince myself I'll be better off if I beg God to release me, if I can convince myself I've been wrong all along. And at times . . . at times what's happened seems like it couldn't be a smaller obstacle for my big God.

I talked with Emily earlier today. And I talked with her about Sunday, about how it made me feel. She told me I couldn't give up. That this wasn't reason to doubt what I've known. It just means I still have to wait. That I'll get healing here. That I'm not ready.

Sometimes I think I am ready. Sometimes I know I'm not.
Sometimes I think there is nothing to be ready for. But I have to trust. She just feels so far away. Like it never was.

I started making a mental list today, which I may post at some point, of everything God's ever done to say Heather was the one. Everything He ever did to say it was right to be with her. Everything He's done to say its not over, no matter how it looks.

Sometimes I believe it. Sometimes I just feel foolish.

But I think I have to be. I think of Christ. Of how much He loves everyone who hates Him. Of how He just calls out to them and cries and does everything He can to say, "I love you." Even for the ones He knows won't hear Him. There's this song by Waterdeep called "Foolish Love." Its this guy talking about this woman he loves. And how she rejects him. There's this scene at the end.

"I imagine sometimes Jesus is a lot like me,
When the woman he loves says she thinks she loves him to
He just gets real quiet and looks down at the ground
Because until she says she’s ready there’s nothin’ much He can do

Except stand there in His foolish love
Flowing out His veins
He’s got some kind of foolish love
Soaking wet in the pouring rain

And He will come like the spring rain, watering the earth"

I was evaluating myself earlier, about how I feel, and where I was and I'm in the right, and where I'm wrong. And I doubt it all. I've received so much encouragement lately. And I think . . . I look at things and think I know . . . but do I? Did I really tell you how much I loved your taste in music, how much it fit you? Did I really offer you my itunes gift cards so you could replace everything you lost? Was that me? Did it happen? Did I used to ask you what I did to make you feel that way when you told me? I think so. Does it matter? There are some faults and mistakes I know all to well.

I was so ready. I was so ready, and then . . . all these little decisions and I end up far way from God and what I had crumbles under the weight. But promises were made. Words were spoken, by God Himself. Can I go on? Is everything as I once knew it? Can I believe? What was I? What am I now?

This is why I don't do introspection.

I think . . . I think maybe there is a test here. What happened, part of what happened is that last time God made promises, and then stood far off, and said He was, literally. And now I'm in the same situation. Can I do this? We'll see.

Then again maybe I've been wrong about everything. Maybe my best love is letting go.

"No one dies in the last gust of the storm" Let's hope so. Let's hope the last gust is upon us. I am not sure how much more I can take. Everything is in ruins.

I wanted to get away from everything and everyone tonight, and you know what is a great idea, skateboarding without health insurance. But I hadn't been in years so kick butt. I drug and dusted off the old crummy board, which was so nice back in the day. It was good to be there.

Dear Anonymous who left a comment on yesterday's post,

I wish I knew who you were, and I hope this is what you were looking for, because I really don't know. I don't even know if my thoughts continue from yesterday, or what my thoughts are, or if I have captured them in this long and quote filled post. I hope so. For my sake.

I had a moment earlier. Everyone was gone and so I spent some time screaming along with Underoath and screaming at God, and crying out to Him. And I just listened, and got lost in my head, and tossed around all these thoughts, and my moment came. I realized I had joy. Absolute and pure joy. With not a single hint of happiness. I could not have been sadder, and I could not have had more joy at the love of my Savior. It was a good moment.

I'm tired of dreaming subjective dreams. I want to dream prophecy again, and know that's what it is. I want . . . I want life.

Marathons

No this is not a post about running.

"Marathons" is the name of a song by a band called Fallin Up, and I've been listening to it a lot lately. There's something in the lyrics. I like to oversell it to myself a little and scream it. But its good stuff.

"Imagine the silence racing the timeless
Holding defences
Suffer the most and surface the motion
Now do you understand

This is the true direction, This is where we set sail
The secret's coming out, No use in your resistance
This the way back home, We are the lost then found"


Today was a crazy day. Sam got up and was off at 8:30. I went back to bed and overslept. When I woke up I laid there for a few minutes, trying to determine how I felt. I wanted to talk to God about it, so I wanted to know what I was talking about first. And really, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the day. "Another day? Why?" Oh, bother.

But I was late, so no writing in the prayer journal, just go go go. Not even time for commas. I talked to God in the shower, just trying to nail things down. Trying to get some release for how I felt, how I always feel.

Show up to church late but make my way to the front with my friends and jump into worship. What an incredible experience. Everything . . . I worshiped Jesus this morning. I just let go. The message was great, Palm Sunday, so content was pretty standard fare, but somehow, it just was better. Then at the end I felt God calling, so I went up and grabbed individual communion elements and kneeled down. I prayed, and listened, and prayed, and prepared, and took communion. Then I just laid there and prayed. Just poured my heart out and praised Him and asked of Him.

After the service I spent just a few minutes hob knobbing with my friends and then jetted for lunch with moms. Holy geez I like barbeque.

Update: It is now actually Monday. I was writing the post last night and realized I didn't want to be doing it. I needed to spend time with God. So I went and tried to do that. I wrote in my prayer journal a little, I cracked the Word a little, and I tried to just lie there and listen. What did I get? I'm still not sure. And what I think I got I'm not sure of. Kind of a mess.

Part of the reason I had to quit writing is because I didn't like what I had to write, and I wasn't sure it was correct. And really I'm still not, but here it goes.

As a result of going out to eat with my mom I was late to meet Nick for disc golf, but he was gracious about it. I had a really great time with him, walking around and throwing. We talked a lot and I just feel good about it. So then I run back home and barely cool off and change before I'm heading to small group.

The first week I showed up 5 minutes early and felt like I sat around forever waiting for everyone to get there. Last week I showed up right on time and everyone was already there. This week I left late, got there about 7 minutes after, and almost everyone showed up at exactly the same time. Go figure.

It is kind of hard to relate the rest of the night. Aaron had been struggling with what to do with us, and then a little before we arrived he turned to some scheduled questions for the other groups in the church. The questions were about hard times in our lives and their relation to God.

Aaron opened with a story, and then Michael shared a little. Then Bonnie shared, saying God had told her earlier that she needed to. 2 1/2 yrs ago Bonnie and her fiancee split up, a week away from their wedding. I was floored. I knew what this meant.

After a few minutes I raised my hand and shared two things. The first was about my father, and the second was about Heather. I had no hope of holding it in. I just started crying in front of these people. Jonathan was sitting next to me. He put his arm around me and leaned over and whispered in my ear. His fiancee had left him about two years ago.

This is me trying to get up off of the floor.

And now I am aware that I am supposed to be here. I don't even know what to say. So things move along, a few people talk to me, a few just talk. Then we split in guys and girls groups and talk a little more and then pray.

During prayer I heard Jonathan praying in tongues. Again I recognized it because it was the same, the same langauge as Dustin and Heather. And again I understood nothing. But how? I am on good terms with God. Should it give me hope that I can only understand when Heather speaks in tongues, because right now its just depressing.

Afterwards Jonathan tells me a little more of what happened, and we stand around and talk. And everyone laughs, and everyone is . . . really confirmed on being a part of this group.

But something strikes me as Jonathan is talking. Something is different. God . . . all along the way, God has told me Heather is the one, even after this happened. So what does this mean. This comfort, these steps of healing. These seem to stand against that.

I find Bonnie and give her a hug and thank her for talking, because I probably wouldn't have been able to if she had not.

We all decide to head over to Steak & Shake to eat and hang out. Again it seems that I cannot escape good memories of Heather. Things that hurt, but not in a way I regret, just in a way of loss for right now. But everything is soaked. All of this is so new.

At some point while we're sitting there at dinner I realize something. This group is where I am supposed to be. But something is still off. I still don't totally fit, I'm still . . . and then I think I figure it out. This is only temporary. How long, I don't know. But I will not be here forever. It will probably not be long, a few months perhaps. That's the only way I can figure it.

As I get in the car to drive home I start kicking back over everything. I can't have been so blind as to have missed what God was saying. Especially not originally, when I was at Lake Champion. I remember on the day I drove up there. Heather had just told me she liked me and wanted to continue getting to know each other with that understanding. I expressed my concerns and then had to leave, waiting to receive her reply in the mail. While I was driving I was talking to God, and He said it, "This will be the last time." And all the other confirmations from God. Even since this happened.

But now tonight . . . . Now meeting these people I've obviously been placed with these people because they understand my pain. But for both of them its ended . . . well with Jonathan with someone else and Bonnie single. I'm so frusterated I can't see straight. Everything inside of me is screaming and racing and I try to yell along with Underoath and I can't. I'm spending so much energy on my thought process that there's none left for anything else.

I get home and I immediately try to seek God. I pray to Him, trying to figure out why I feel pulled in opposite directions, by Him. I open the Word. I pray. I try to just listen. Nothing. So I go to seek counsel. And again, nothing much there. I start to write this post and then . . . well.

"Don't dig up in doubt what you planted in faith." I was too with God to have missed what He was saying about Heather when we first got together. Everything said she was it. That she was to be my wife. And the things He have done since seem to say so as well. Until Sunday night.

How does all this fit together? What does it mean? God can't really be pulling me in different directions. And it seems a giant leap to think I heard Him wrong when I was most with Him, when our relationship was at its best. Discernment is a forte for me.

I don't know how to make sense of this. I don't know how it fits together. I don't know much of anything.

Only the Best

I freaking love people. I was definitely reminded of that tonight.

I started trying to write a post. It was about seeing the movie Seven Pounds. I began ruminating on how the best way to love Heather might be to give her up, for her good. I couldn't even type it out. My mind just got flooded. Flooded with the puzzle piece imagery she used to use talking about us. Flooded with the poem that described our first kiss almost perfectly, that she wrote years ago. I coulnd't write it. I really couldn't resign myself to that idea.

What is wrong with me?

Earlier today there was a moment. Sam said or did something, and I realized my inclination was not to react as the real me. I realized I'm still not the real me right now, and I don't know how I get there. Sometimes I'm not even sure I know what that's really like. But I know I've been there. Gladys Wright knows the real me. So does Glenn Snyder. And Jill Potter. And all those people. That's who Heather met. That's who she agreed to marry. I don't know who this is, and I don't know how long he's been here. I am going to kill him.

I've been considering lots of crazy ideas lately. I get on little kicks where I decide I'm just not going to listen to God. "What You want Heather and I together? Too bad, I'm moving to South Korea." Do they have root beer there?

This is my prayer journal entry from the night of July 25, 2008, my first night at Lake Champion this past year:

"You, Father God, are my rock and my redeemer. God, You are my God.

You called, and I listened. I followed, as was my only choice. You have brought me to this place God. As i got closer I realized this was the first time I felt at hom in months. This place God. Thank You.

I am here to do as You please. Move in me as You see fit, and as only You are capable. I am so ready for You God. For You to take me where You want. Nurse me spiritually Father. Cleanse and purify me. Use this time to further my completion. Use this time to prepare me for whatever is next. And show me Lord. Show me where to go and what to do. I have come after You. I have chased You. Deliver me."

By the time I left that place I knew I loved Heather. He told me.

Today I drove Sam around downtown Nashville again, showing him some of the sights. I knew I should show him Centennial and the Parthenon, so we drove out there. I almost started crying a few times. That places is inundated with memories of Heather.

Picking you up after missing each other at the airport. Stopping at Steak & Shake and taking the long way home. Of strolling the the park together. Taking pictures by the pond. Going through the Parthenon and the art gallery. Of siting on the bench and reading our letters. That place where you changed. Sitting in the trolley car staring at each other. Walking around Opryland Hotel. Seeing the wonder on your face. Riding in the car with you the next day. Missing John and Meagan's wedding. Scrambling to make it in time. Getting to sing at the world famous Carter Fold. Proposing to you. Watching you react. Going outside after and seeing you shake with excitement. Everyone that spoke to us and wanted a picture. Driving home with you, worshipping. Getting up and seeing each other the first time the next day. Going to the park and readin more of our letters under the shelter by the lake.

Heather . . . even right now, as hurt and sad as I am. As much as I miss you, as painful as all this is . . . that was the best weekend of my life. I can't help but smile as I recall it all. I've never in all my life had a better time. And its because I was with you.

There was a giant beaver

First things first, its come to my attention lately that a good deal more people are reading this than I thought, including some that I never imagined would. When Nirvana made it big and Kurt Cobain struggled with that success I never understood why, but now I understand, on a much, much smaller level. Oh well, doing this wasn't really my choice. I think its something I was supposed to do.

I had a dream last night:

I was on vacation on an island, with no one else around. There was a nice home pretty close to something I would picture as a dream house for me. Heather arrives and says she wants to begin reconciling, but as soon as we do so it becomes apparent she was not indeed ready. All she can do is yell and say I have all the moves to make, which she won't accept. When her family shows up to berate me for upsetting her I notice something. This isn't Heather's family. Turns out its not Heather either, these people are different. They are dark skinned and disfigured. I run away.

Next thing I know I am in a police station filing a report. Heather and her family show up and at first I mistake them for themselves. But when they sit down I notice they are still the disfigured people from before. I stand up and yell to the police, I tell them these people are trying to unrightfully take from me, then they open their mouths and they all have sharp teeth, I think of fighting but decide to run.

When I exit the door I find myself on a beach. There is a row of big guys, and I can tell they are mad at me. One of them steps up to me and I hit him and nothing happens. So I turn and run back through the door, back through the police station and out another door.

I'm now along a street, on the right side. I am with a few other people, perhaps a half dozen, and we are chasing things that are being blown around in the wind, but I can't tell what they are. It is then that I hear a voice say, "No one is killed by the last gust of a storm." We run alongside the road chasing the floating things. Then a girl in the group runs to cross the street after one of the objects, but she times it wrong and a car is headed for her. I jump in front of the car, expecting to die, but when the car hits me it crumples up and flips over the top of us, while it flies into a million pieces. And then I wake up.


Update: Had to take a very long break because Sam got here. I have no idea what time it is but we destroyed downtown Nashville.

Now the really weird thing, is that the last few days, I've been thinking of this lesson I heard Dave Sloop give one time. He was talking about in Matthew where Jesus and the disciples are in a boat and a storm comes and the diciples wake Jesus up, asking Him to calm the storm. And Dave's point was that the way that story really starts, is with Jesus telling everyone to cross the lake. Jesus took them out there knowing the storm was coming. And I've been thinking of how much that story applies to me.

And then after I have this dream and wake up, I pray and open my Bible. Care to take any guesses as to where my Bible fell open to? Yeah. Matthew 8.

I think the storm may be ending soon, but I've felt that way for a very long time.

One of the most troubling things about all this is what feels like a complete loss of discernment, which is normally one of my spiritual gifts. But here, with things regarding Heather, and work, and where home is . . . I just feel like I can't make heads or tails of everything. All the thoughts I have are at least second guessed, and usually more than that. If I feel Heather is still the one, I chalk it up to my own desires. Same if I think God is affirming our ordination as a couple. And if I doubt it, if I feel bitter or angry towards her, I feel this is just Satan trying to pull me off, or human wisdom. Same if I think of moving on. But is moving on what God really wants, is it my own thoughts that has me interpreting His readings for me the way I do . . . . And this is what my head feels like.

Emily (thank God for her) sent me a rather long message today. We haven't talked in a few days so it was a general review and response. She encouraged me in a few places and called me out on a few things.

One thing she said struck me. Yesterday or the day before I realized that I don't actually know how Heather feels. I assume she is angry because that's how she was and she hasn't contacted me. But . . . God could be doing even more with her than He seems to be with me. I don't actually know where she is. She could be just bursting to call me and tell me how much she misses me. I don't know. Oh how I wish I did.

She said something else that struck me.

"Also, I think you need to figure out how to live in the present. Not the past, not the future, the present. Love Heather in the present. Even when this is resolved, you guys will have to start over. as a brand new Zach and Heather. It will not be the same. And that will be GOOD."

And its something I've thought about. But I'm not really sure of how to love her right now. I'm honestly running out of prayer steam. And the whole starting over thing, I've thought of it, but . . . am I ready? How do we even do that? There's not a new personality to discover. There aren't years of stories to learn. We've fallen in love before, how do you do it again?

When God is involved coincidences usually aren't. Which is why Emily mentioning a particular verse that came up recently in another conversation makes me think. It is SOS 8:6 "Put me like a seal over your heart . . . ." Really? This came up last Wednesday at small group. Am I going crazy?

Today was hard. It was so hard to think of not being there for her. Not playing a part in giving her a great birthday. I can only imagine how are wedding date will feel if we are not together. Kill me now.

Tonight was great though. I had an amazing time with Sam and my brother Brian. I may write more on it later, but the short story is this: Skipping around downtown Nashville bars, saw the shortest skirt and tightest jeans I have EVER seen, and at one point I threatened to "punch a little kid in the face and put my foot on his neck and hold him down and shoot him."

Oh yeah!

"The silence is killing me" - Underoath

But its easy, Jesus is on the throne.