Prudence would dictate that I go to bed and leave writing this for tomorrow when I have some free time. But I need to get the thoughts out tonight, before my perspective changes. Perspective, as we have learned, is a very dangerous thing.
What a day, I feel like there's just a magnitude of thoughts and feelings that have been going on and I'm not even sure where to begin, much less how to get it all out. And I still have more academic things I want to write on. Oh I am awash. Do you ever wish you were dummer? I do.
I was back on the game today. Right when I woke up I cracked the prayer journal.
"Oh God, come and be the Lord of my life. Reign over me.
Let no thought, no move, no word, and no breath be made without You."
I listened to so much music today. I finally cracked Underoath out again, for the first time in a few days. I've been addicted to Anorexia/Nervosa as of late. I've noticed since Heather left me how terribly little I listened to my music when I was with her. I just didn't have occasion to. Didn't drive much, and when I did I tried to listen to stuff she'd like (yeah, I know, its funny how that worked out huh?). And when I was hanging out I let her use the mp3 player so she would have music. And then I just didn't really have a system for listening to it when I did have it, or we were hanging out. As a result I had all this new music that I had gotten that I hadn't listen to. Either from September, October, or December. And I've been listening to it all.
I realized something recently, although I'm not exactly sure when. Everything Heather said on the last day we spoke, I could have said the same things. I felt every one of those things, for myself, but I knew they weren't her fault, well, one kinda was. But its just kinda crazy, how all those things were true for me and we just handled it very differently. I gave up certain friendships because we mutually decided to hedge in our relationship against temptation and jealousy (preemptively, not because of problems). I wasn't listening to my music. I wasn't doing things that make me feel alive and that sit strongly in my heart. She had problems with my mom. And those are all correlatives to the things she said. And the only one that was remotely her fault was not being able to forgive my mom. Well . . . whatever right?
Okay, so . . . right, back on track. I was listening to all this old new music. A new Before Their Eyes cd, a new War of Ages CD, a band called Sever Your Ties. So on and so on. In the meantime I finally got my room all tidied up. Kind of. There are places where things are not quite as organized as I'd like, but an outsider would find it well squared. I even brought in my brother's super nice lawn chair for a place to sit and read.
Speaking of which, I started a book today. Its called "Dreams and Spiritual Growth." I grabbed it at least 4 years ago off of the E&H library free case. I thought it looked interesting because recently I'd read a little about Daniel and Joseph and had become interested in such things. But I never read it. Then I meet and fall in love with Heather and pow, dreams are suddenly a much bigger deal (read here if you're unaware of why). So I don't realize what gift I have until after she leaves me, as it starts to fade and become less distinguishable. And then I see this book on my shelf and I'm thinking "Hmmm, I'm having dreams. I'm spiritual. I'm looking for growth." I'll let you know how it goes.
But today has had waves of its own. I've been completely convinced of God's promise to reunite Heather and I. I've thought nothing could be further from His plan. In the end . . . I don't care. I'm trusting. It'll turn out, one way or another. I'm following Him, I'm spending time with Him. I'm praying for her, I'm praying for Him to do things. I'm worshipping, I'm experiencing good fellowship. I'm growing and getting back to and ahead of where I was when we met. So whatever He's gonna do, I'm putting myself right in the path of it.
And I try to maintain that attitude. But then stuff happens.
I'd been feeling my heart pulling at Heather, remembering things and having desires while I cleaned. I wrote in my prayer journal after I'd finished my room:
"Good God do not turn me away. Come quickly and be with me. Please Lord, I know this time must be, but do not make it last long. Please return her to me."
So I grab my Bible looking to get some more food for the day. And here's where He leads me:
Psalm 66:1-5,8-12
"Shout with joy to God, all the earth!
Sing the glory of his name;
make his praise glorious!
Say to God, 'How awesome are your deeds!'
So great is your power
that your enemies cringe before you.
Come and see what God has done,
how awesome his works in man's behalf.
Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance."
I wish, I really really wish I hadn't written the part about bringing her back to me in my pj, because then this would just be general encouragement and I could trust without consideration for what is coming. But I pray, and He leads me there (the whole Psalm, I just included those parts). So now what am I supposed to think? I'm trying to think as little as possible. I'm trying to simply focus on the fact that He tied together specific references from the message theme He's been repeating in my life. Oh yeah, you should still be amazed.
Wednesday was about the fire. He's lead me to Matthew about the storm. And so much of the last week or so has been growth and perfection as a result of hardship. God is just a little wow.
A side note here. 4 times today when I prayed and opened my Bible I was at Psalm 118 . . . or maybe 117, I couldn't tell which He really intended, but I'm thinking 18. So if anyone has any thoughts, share please.
So tonight Rachel, Nick, and Bonnie and I met for dinner, and then came over here to watch 'The Passion of the Christ' for Black (Good) Friday. I've been looking forward to it ever since Nick mentioned it yesterday, despite my reservations about seeing the movie again. Dinner was freaking hilarious. The four of us together just . . . wow. I laughed so hard. I felt like myself. I felt like I belonged where I was. I've missed company like that.
The movie was . . . well it was what it is. Its gut wrenching, its powerful, its moving, it is true. Everybody held up surprisingly well, and I think less then 5 tissues were used, which is impressive because I thought Bonnie was going to lose it just at the title screen.
Afterwards we were all quiet for a few minutes, and then we started talking about it. I'll leave out most of what was said but there are a few things I'd like to note.
1) Lines that stuck out to me: Right before Jesus is beaten by the Roman soldiers He prays to God and says, "Father my heart is ready." Here He is ready to be beaten to the edge of what the human body can bear, as a precursor to what it cannot, and He says His heart, not His body is ready. There's a man whose head is in the right place.
When Jesus collapses while carrying the cross and Mary rushes out to Him. He turns and looks at her and says, "See mother, I make all things new." I'm almost in tears as I write it. 2 Corinthians 5:17.
Lastly, when He is on the cross, and He says, "It is accomplished."
2) I was particularly enthralled by Satan this time around, which has a lot to do with how much I've been listening to Anorexia/Nervosa lately.
3) Here's the big one. My last day at Lake Champion I had a realization. God's greatest act of mercy, is also His greatest act of justice. I thought of that tonight, of how the only reason God could act so merciful, is that His justice could not be circumvented. The only sinless man had to become sin, and bear the entire weight of the world, to bring justice. Thereby offering mercy.
We see this echoed again in Revelation, where the Lamb appears as one who has been slain. And the Lamb, whose blood was poured out to wash everyone white, is the same one who breaks the seals on the scroll, wreaking havoc and death upon the earth. The mediator of reconciliation and redemption, is the mediator of justice and wrath.
4) Nick, Rachel and I all thought of the guided prayer time at Kairos. Of what we said to Jesus, and what He said to us.
After we talked for a while we headed to Starbucks and then tore up Walmart. I was acting . . . I was very me. There was a moment where I was laughing really hard, and I started thinking about my life with Heather, about whether I'd been wrong about it all. I had this flash of thinking that I must have been wrong about her because we never laughed like that. But that's not true. That's not true at all. We used to laugh so hard. I remember how struck she was that I found her funny. How insecure about me still finding her that way, still finding her fun. We used to laugh.
I get home and spend a little time with God. I pray and write in the pj. Then I crack open the Bible and get two things. One is about the reign of Pekahiah, which I've gotten a number of times recently, and cannot make anything, and I mean anything, out of. Its a mystery.
The other was Psalm 74. I quit reading when I saw the word "inheritance." This can't be real. I'm putting it out of my mind, I'm just not dealing with it.
God is so good. I'd like to leave with one last thought. One last thing that stuck with me from the movie.
Mike said it at Kairos the other night, and it echoed in my ears tonight while watching the movie. I normally don't like traditional churches, but I like going to them for Black Friday services. I like the feeling of weight that comes with them. Mike was telling how they cover the cross in a black cloth and turn and so "Go home. There is nothing you can do. There is no hope."
I looked at Mary and Mary and John holding Jesus' lifeless body. I thought of Peter, the one who promised to follow Him anywhere, having denied Him and being found nowhere near the cross. I thought of . . . what stuck with me was the idea of being consumed by that hopelessness. Here Jesus Himself promises that He will die, but its okay because He's coming back. And yet when it actually happens. When the spear pierces His side. When His body is lowered from the cross. When they seal Him into a borrowed tomb. Imagine having hope at that moment. Imagine recalling everything He promised. The glory of the kingdom. The rebuilding of the temple.
I have been the doubter. I have been the disciples found nowhere near the cross. I have watched Him die while saying "don't", and then believed all was lost. I have replayed His promises in my ears and dismissed them.
I do not want to be that.
I want to be waiting by the tomb with streamers and a party hat.
I want to learn to never be afraid again.
Its easy. Jesus is on the throne.
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