Dirty And Left Out

A song title by Aaron Gillespie's side-band, The Almost. (Gillespie is Underoath's drummer and clean, i.e. not screaming, vocalist).

Its so good, and I've been listening to it today.

"Hello, I swear I won't be too long
Hello, I promise I'll be real strong
Wait up, I just wanna tell you
Hold up, why are you still here?

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Why do, you wanna be all listenin' to me
Why do, you spread your arms and tell me I'm free
Why do, you wanna be in my life
In my life

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Jesus, Jesus,
There's something about your name
Master, savior, Jesus

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Jesus
Jesus"

I don't know how to describe days like today. It feels like lots happens, and yet nothing really does. It all happens inside my head and at the end of the day . . . I'm not sure what any of it amounts to. I'm not sure where my thoughts lay; where they have led me.

I woke up . . . assured. After everything that went on yesterday, and having only subjective dreams last night, and waking up a few times in the night just to pray . . . I woke up feeling assured. And mostly about Heather. This is not the end. There will be reconciliation. There will be cleansing blood. Do I believe those thoughts? We'll see. Part of me does, part of me can't help but do so. And yet I still wonder . . . have I heard You wrong? And if I have heard You right, do I trust? I guess we'll see.

My mom is off for spring break this week and she was foul when I got up. Never said anything about why, but I realised how much of how I deal with problems, and dealt with them with Heather, I picked up from my mom. That is not a good things. I knew it but . . . . God what I wouldn't give to treat you a million times better than I did. Which is funny because . . . you used to tell me how great I treated you.

At least I think so. Today has been shrouded in doubt about everything. I wake up feeling assured. And I think that is my prevailing attitude, but at times today . . . I couldn't have been further from it. Oh how far she has been from my heart. Other things too, which I haven't yet brought up.

The other night one of the missionaries I've met lately was talking about this girl he knew. She was planning on going to a country near her own to do missions work. The country she was heading to is extremely hostile towards American missionaries, but "Alice" was in a much better position to do work. Some people very close to her got wind of this and did some bad things to her. And the guy I met, he was talking about how she never said a bad word of them. How gracious she was about it. And what that had taught him about true freedom. About what Christ's freedom truly looks like. Freedom from bitterness. Freedom from sin. Freedom to love with reckless abandon.

At times today I have been there. At times I've wanted to get my say. To have my chance to yell and say all the mean things. My chance to reject. But that's not my true heart.

My true heart has this love . . . this unhuman, unexplainable love. This love that cares more about fixing things than who is right. This love that wants to spread its arms wide and say, "There's nothing I won't give for you. Just let me." Oh what a love. Its too big, too real, and has too much to give to be put here. Oh Heather, if you could know this love. You used to.

At times today I've been covered in doubt, trying to convince myself I'll be better off if I beg God to release me, if I can convince myself I've been wrong all along. And at times . . . at times what's happened seems like it couldn't be a smaller obstacle for my big God.

I talked with Emily earlier today. And I talked with her about Sunday, about how it made me feel. She told me I couldn't give up. That this wasn't reason to doubt what I've known. It just means I still have to wait. That I'll get healing here. That I'm not ready.

Sometimes I think I am ready. Sometimes I know I'm not.
Sometimes I think there is nothing to be ready for. But I have to trust. She just feels so far away. Like it never was.

I started making a mental list today, which I may post at some point, of everything God's ever done to say Heather was the one. Everything He ever did to say it was right to be with her. Everything He's done to say its not over, no matter how it looks.

Sometimes I believe it. Sometimes I just feel foolish.

But I think I have to be. I think of Christ. Of how much He loves everyone who hates Him. Of how He just calls out to them and cries and does everything He can to say, "I love you." Even for the ones He knows won't hear Him. There's this song by Waterdeep called "Foolish Love." Its this guy talking about this woman he loves. And how she rejects him. There's this scene at the end.

"I imagine sometimes Jesus is a lot like me,
When the woman he loves says she thinks she loves him to
He just gets real quiet and looks down at the ground
Because until she says she’s ready there’s nothin’ much He can do

Except stand there in His foolish love
Flowing out His veins
He’s got some kind of foolish love
Soaking wet in the pouring rain

And He will come like the spring rain, watering the earth"

I was evaluating myself earlier, about how I feel, and where I was and I'm in the right, and where I'm wrong. And I doubt it all. I've received so much encouragement lately. And I think . . . I look at things and think I know . . . but do I? Did I really tell you how much I loved your taste in music, how much it fit you? Did I really offer you my itunes gift cards so you could replace everything you lost? Was that me? Did it happen? Did I used to ask you what I did to make you feel that way when you told me? I think so. Does it matter? There are some faults and mistakes I know all to well.

I was so ready. I was so ready, and then . . . all these little decisions and I end up far way from God and what I had crumbles under the weight. But promises were made. Words were spoken, by God Himself. Can I go on? Is everything as I once knew it? Can I believe? What was I? What am I now?

This is why I don't do introspection.

I think . . . I think maybe there is a test here. What happened, part of what happened is that last time God made promises, and then stood far off, and said He was, literally. And now I'm in the same situation. Can I do this? We'll see.

Then again maybe I've been wrong about everything. Maybe my best love is letting go.

"No one dies in the last gust of the storm" Let's hope so. Let's hope the last gust is upon us. I am not sure how much more I can take. Everything is in ruins.

I wanted to get away from everything and everyone tonight, and you know what is a great idea, skateboarding without health insurance. But I hadn't been in years so kick butt. I drug and dusted off the old crummy board, which was so nice back in the day. It was good to be there.

Dear Anonymous who left a comment on yesterday's post,

I wish I knew who you were, and I hope this is what you were looking for, because I really don't know. I don't even know if my thoughts continue from yesterday, or what my thoughts are, or if I have captured them in this long and quote filled post. I hope so. For my sake.

I had a moment earlier. Everyone was gone and so I spent some time screaming along with Underoath and screaming at God, and crying out to Him. And I just listened, and got lost in my head, and tossed around all these thoughts, and my moment came. I realized I had joy. Absolute and pure joy. With not a single hint of happiness. I could not have been sadder, and I could not have had more joy at the love of my Savior. It was a good moment.

I'm tired of dreaming subjective dreams. I want to dream prophecy again, and know that's what it is. I want . . . I want life.