Take that, death. (part 1)

Easter. What a freaking day.

I talked to B-Tran earlier today. He asked me how my week was, and I said great. He asked me what my favorite part was . . . and I couldn't pick between 3 different days. Things are so good. God is so good.

I am not sure I can write this post. Too much to say. Too much joy. Today was not the best day I've ever had, but it was way up there. Also, I keep telling myself I'm not going to mention Heather in my post, and I fail, but this time I didn't have a chance.

Today's awesomeness really started last night. I was being tempted to feel bad. To feel lonely, and empty, and hopeless, and covered in sin. But I didn't give in. I just fought and prayed. Flipping sweet.

So all day I'd been praying God to just take Heather off my heart. I found myself thinking about her a lot. And I really didn't want to, so I just kept praying for God to change that. There are multiple entries in my prayer journal with different iterations of, "God, take her away from my brain and my heart, I'm having trouble." Well, I kept praying it because He wasn't doing it.

So last night, I went to Him. I did something I do all the time to hear Him, praying to be spoken to about something and then opening the Bible wherever He leads me. So I do that. I open it with my prayer journal:

"I don't know what to pray. I feel everything and I feel nothing. Please God, be with me. You have spoken, I have not heard. I have not listened. Ring my ears."

Now I was ready for anything, my heart was leaning towards nothing, just wanting to hear. Just knowing He's been speaking and wanting to know what it was.
My first prayer was, "God is Heather still the one?" Which is really kind of a crappy question, the reality of that question is just "is she the one?", no "still."

So I open my Bible and its the beginning of Titus. Yeah, one of the earliest parts is that elders must be the husband of but one wife, but I don't think much of it. Whatever.

My second prayer was, "Should I try to contact her?" And God led me again to the start of Titus. Same page. So I find that interesting, but no real message in it.

So I pray my third prayer. "God, should I be moving on? Should my heart be preparing for another woman?" I open my Bible and its the pretext notes for Galatians. The specific words I'm looking at are a section heading declaring "Don't give in!" Um . . . okay. Are . . . am I reading this right? So I read a little of Galatians and at the beginning of chapter 2 Paul mentions Titus. Well I've seen that name already tonight . . . things are getting a little beyond coincidence.

I decide it might be a good idea to go back and recheck what I had gotten before. So I go back to the first question. "God is Heather still the one?" I open my Bible and its at 2 Thessalonians. The section heading: "Stand Firm" You have got to be kidding me.

I leave my questioning of God at that and go back to read Galatians. In chapter 3 Paul talks about the curse of being hung on a tree, which I find interesting because of a discussion of the importance of crucifixion that took place on Wednesday night. So I look up the verse, Deuteronomy 21:23. The last sentence says, "You must not desecrate the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance." And there's that word again. Which normally I wouldn't be prone to take out of context, but everything, and I mean everything is tying together here.

But still I keep a cool head. I am a little scared, I'm trying to not let my desires rule how I interpret these things. I write in my pj:

"Father if these things are true, confirm them in my dreams and/or events tomorrow."

The night passes without dreams and I get up early and head off to church excited to worship and have a great Easter. Worship was amazing. I was so happy and in love with my savior. I was gone in praise and lost in worship and it was wonderful. Then Aaron gets up to speak, and he was great as well.

Thing is, Aaron didn't preach a traditional Easter sermon. The title of today's message, "The Resurrection is telling you . . ." and in it he gave 3 bullet points to complete that sentence. The first was "Its not over." The second was Jesus saying, "I am always in control." And the third, "I will make it better."

Okay . . . I'm . . . I'm a little weirded out now. And it gets worse. Much worse.

After a few various activities during the day I find myself sitting around at about 5:30-6, waiting to leave for the Young Adults bonfire and ice cream party over at dJoy's. I decide to check my email and find I have two Facebook messages from Emily. I like correspondence, and I have a few minutes so I check it.

The first one says she was writing because she thought of me this morning, and talks about waiting on the Lord, and she sign's it with "Don't lose heart."

The second one gets even crazier. Emily sent the first before catching up on the blog and after doing so she had more to say. "When you're reunited, the old Zach will be gone and the old Heather will be gone; remember this is about redemption, making ALL things new." Yeah. I know. Two messages, unprompted, that speak of standing firm and in believing in reconciliation, one of which references the same concept from the sermon this morning.

And still I remain skeptical. I say, "Well . . . maybe your own desires are changing your view, just put it out of your mind."

So I head over to the CIL Young Adult party and have an absolutely amazing time. I laughed so hard and felt so much a part of the group. I was so freaking happy being there. Oh my gosh!

Eventually I come home. I'm thinking a little of what I'm going to put in the blog, and I'm reflecting over all the stuff that seems it could be God speaking in the last day. I was formulating writing on here about whether it was wrong to hear all that had happend thus far and still not believe. I was wondering if God would be upset. You get the idea.

I decide to spend a little time with God. I write in the pj a little, just general praise and thanks to God. Then I crack the Bible, asking nothing of God but to spend time with Him. To get some love and get filled up and get to know Him better. I open the Bible to Mark 9:14-29. In the passage Jesus heals a young boy possesed by a spirit. The verse that stopped me in my tracks was 24. "Immediately the boy's father exlaimed, 'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.'" I think God is trying to see how many times He can blow my mind in a 24 hr period. I read it over and over and over. All I can think is, "That's not what I was looking for. I just wanted to spend time with You." But there it is. An answer to the questions I wasn't even asking.

But still I dismiss it.

I ask God about something else, about something I believe He has asked me to do. I open the Bible to hear Him speak. Song of Solomon, 8:6-7. "Place me like a seal over you heart . . ."

Um . . . my first Wednesday night small group that was the text. Emily sent it to me about a week ago. This cannot be real. This is not what I was looking for. And yet here it is.

It seems God is trying to remove every shred of doubt. He wants me aware of His plans regarding Heather. Well okay . . . You've gotten my attention. Now what?!