Oh the waves (part 2)

I had three dreams last night.

In the first I had gone after Heather. I pursued her as I promised. And when I came to where I knew she was her mother was there and told me Heather was somewhere else. Somewhere I could not reach.

In my next dream I was living in a small Asian style house. During the day I could have the doors open, but it didn't matter because there was no light outside the house. It was surrounded in darkness. I had to close the doors at night so the bugs would not come in. Before I knew what happened I had died. When I asked the person I presume to be God why I suddenly saw myself closing up for the night. One of the bugs had bitten me on the foot. I saw it happening, and then watched myself die. I couldn't tell if I wasted away over a long time or if it happened quickly. It looked like both.

In the next dream I had been invited to a dinner party, a fairly large one. When I arrived at my table I realized Heather and I were the only people sitting there. It didn't look like Heather, it looked like another ex of mine, but I knew who it was, and she was still made at me. But then she said something during our tense conversation. Whatever it was I remember being distinctly aware that how she said it meant that she was planning on getting back with me. I asked her about it. She said she was planning on it. I asked her why we weren't getting back together right then. She answered but I couldn't totally understand her, but she said something about time.

Now I would normally chalk the first and third dreams up as just subjective except for three things.
1) I woke up immediately following all three dreams, which can be an indication of a dream of prophecy.
2) I haven't been having any dreams lately, which typically means something is coming
3) This one is the most significant and the most scary. As I was lying in bed last night I had this moment while I trying to go to sleep. I thought I could feel God telling me that I would dream in prophecy that night, because of how desperate I was.

Yes, you should indeed be amazed by that. And I should have to. But I wasn't. When I woke up, when I remembered that. I just wasn't. I wasn't amazed. I wasn't reassured. I wasn't anything. Today was the first day in more than a month that I didn't write in my prayer journal and read the Letter first thing when I awoke. I went out and did yard work instead. I didn't open my prayer journal or the Bible until sometime after 7 pm.

When I got back from playing frisbee golf with Nick I went upstairs and put on jeans and a tee and grabbed my old Vans to go skateboarding again. I finally settled down after about an hour. I finally cracked my prayer journal. I wrote a little and tried getting into the Word, but exactly what I wrote I was afraid of in my pj happened. I didn't get anything out of it. I missed whatever it was. So I went to check my email. I've been fairly eagerly awaiting an email from Joy ever since I sent one to her two days ago. I'd forgotten how much I like conversing with her. And low and behold, there it is. She said she was praying for me and came across two verses, one of which particularly struck me.

Romans 5:3-5"we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Really?

No . . . freaking really?

So as soon as I was done reading her email I went upstairs and opened my Bible again. To:

Matthew 8:27 "The men were amazed and asked, 'What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!"

Freaking really?

Of course I was supposed to read the whole story, but my eyes fell on that verse because the summation was the important part for me.

So now the reason for the title of this post comes around, and really it has a few reasons. One of course is that story. of the incredibleness of God repeating messages. When He wants you to hear something, He doesn't stop.

The other though, is the multiple meanings for waves. God is asserting His power over the "waves" (and the wind) of the storm which currently besets me. And this is something to which I submit, even though I grow weary of believing what He seems to have said the outcome will be.

"Waves" has another meaning though, because it describes how my though process has been in all this. Everything comes in waves. Waves of varying intensity and length. At times I feel so assured of everything God has done to say Heather is to be my wife. At times I can only focus on how far away and unlikely that seems. At times I can just trust God and not care either way or about anything. And at times I just scream to make what He's clearly trying to tell me just a little more visible. At times I want to participate in Heather coming to a place of reconciliation. And at times I spend all my efforts on ridding myself of her. At times I feel myself and so charged up and over the top ready and capable to do the things God has laid on me. And at times I just feel like He hasn't done or said anything for me, ever.

Now before anyone jumps, I cut through everything. I've found that have reacquired something of my center and I can search out the peace of God which rests upon right thinking, to a certain extent. What's most troublesome about this is where it intersects Heather.

I've spent the last three days praying weird prayers. I've committed myself each day to praying God to take Heather off of my heart. And each day He has done things to assert that she is my future. I also prayed yesterday for Him to forgive her, because she doesn't understand, she's just confused. I believe God is doing good things in this, but I still don't think its right. And the last two days or so I've taken to praying for God to change what He seems to want. I've been reasoning with Him about how it would actually be more miraculous for Him to make me satisfied with some other woman and some other story than to reconcile with Heather. Just . . . weird.

I noticed something while I was mowing today though. Everything single thing I do to help heal my heart of Heather does not work. I go to God for comfort and He either (rightfully) just speaks of His love for me, says nothing, or confirms her. I try to come up with logical reasons to move on, and the only ones I can find are soaked in bitterness and otherwise un-Christlike thinking. The last few days I've been trying, I've been going out of my way to be attracted to other females, to develop little crushes or whatever. For naught. All of it. And its so freaking hard. It seems that I constantly run up against things that make me feel further away from Heather. That seems to steal all hope and all belief in promise. That allow me only to focus on what she has done and where her heart must be. Why just tonight, when I was trying to do something good, for God, I was confronted with this. I was looking for a picture of me go along with something I was working on and I was made aware that Heather has deleted our engagement pictures. Kind of a no-brainer but still. Seeing her behave in such ways. Knowing what that says about her heart. It hurts worse than I can say.

And yet I can't identify a single freaking thing from God that seems to point in any other direction.

After I read the Matthew 8 section I layed down and tried to hear God. I'm so tossed up by everything that my discernment still feels so incapable. But . . . I think I heard the same thing I did from Tuesday night. Him telling me everything He's said is right. I've tried . . . and I just can't think of what else it could be.

So two questions remain . . . more as curiosity than anything. This fire, this valley, this storm . . . what lies on the other side? And how long until He calms the waves?

Ideally I should end the post there right? From a literary perspective, from a dramatic perspective that's the right place. But something else does need to be said.

When I started writing this post I did not want to be doing it. At all. While I was writing it I felt so . . . far from where I was the other night. I felt so overwhelmed by the waves, mental and otherwise. But as I finished I noticed something. I felt better. I feel like myself right now. I feel like God's sitting right here, whispering in my ear with an arm draped around me in a way more brotherly than comforting. Whatever is found of me in what has been written, there is truth. But just know that through where I've been, this is where I stand. I am me. There is hope. There is promise. There is a good and mighty God. He has conquered the world. He has conquered death. Tomorrow's gonna be a great day. You don't even know. But you will.