Only the Best

I freaking love people. I was definitely reminded of that tonight.

I started trying to write a post. It was about seeing the movie Seven Pounds. I began ruminating on how the best way to love Heather might be to give her up, for her good. I couldn't even type it out. My mind just got flooded. Flooded with the puzzle piece imagery she used to use talking about us. Flooded with the poem that described our first kiss almost perfectly, that she wrote years ago. I coulnd't write it. I really couldn't resign myself to that idea.

What is wrong with me?

Earlier today there was a moment. Sam said or did something, and I realized my inclination was not to react as the real me. I realized I'm still not the real me right now, and I don't know how I get there. Sometimes I'm not even sure I know what that's really like. But I know I've been there. Gladys Wright knows the real me. So does Glenn Snyder. And Jill Potter. And all those people. That's who Heather met. That's who she agreed to marry. I don't know who this is, and I don't know how long he's been here. I am going to kill him.

I've been considering lots of crazy ideas lately. I get on little kicks where I decide I'm just not going to listen to God. "What You want Heather and I together? Too bad, I'm moving to South Korea." Do they have root beer there?

This is my prayer journal entry from the night of July 25, 2008, my first night at Lake Champion this past year:

"You, Father God, are my rock and my redeemer. God, You are my God.

You called, and I listened. I followed, as was my only choice. You have brought me to this place God. As i got closer I realized this was the first time I felt at hom in months. This place God. Thank You.

I am here to do as You please. Move in me as You see fit, and as only You are capable. I am so ready for You God. For You to take me where You want. Nurse me spiritually Father. Cleanse and purify me. Use this time to further my completion. Use this time to prepare me for whatever is next. And show me Lord. Show me where to go and what to do. I have come after You. I have chased You. Deliver me."

By the time I left that place I knew I loved Heather. He told me.

Today I drove Sam around downtown Nashville again, showing him some of the sights. I knew I should show him Centennial and the Parthenon, so we drove out there. I almost started crying a few times. That places is inundated with memories of Heather.

Picking you up after missing each other at the airport. Stopping at Steak & Shake and taking the long way home. Of strolling the the park together. Taking pictures by the pond. Going through the Parthenon and the art gallery. Of siting on the bench and reading our letters. That place where you changed. Sitting in the trolley car staring at each other. Walking around Opryland Hotel. Seeing the wonder on your face. Riding in the car with you the next day. Missing John and Meagan's wedding. Scrambling to make it in time. Getting to sing at the world famous Carter Fold. Proposing to you. Watching you react. Going outside after and seeing you shake with excitement. Everyone that spoke to us and wanted a picture. Driving home with you, worshipping. Getting up and seeing each other the first time the next day. Going to the park and readin more of our letters under the shelter by the lake.

Heather . . . even right now, as hurt and sad as I am. As much as I miss you, as painful as all this is . . . that was the best weekend of my life. I can't help but smile as I recall it all. I've never in all my life had a better time. And its because I was with you.