There was a giant beaver

First things first, its come to my attention lately that a good deal more people are reading this than I thought, including some that I never imagined would. When Nirvana made it big and Kurt Cobain struggled with that success I never understood why, but now I understand, on a much, much smaller level. Oh well, doing this wasn't really my choice. I think its something I was supposed to do.

I had a dream last night:

I was on vacation on an island, with no one else around. There was a nice home pretty close to something I would picture as a dream house for me. Heather arrives and says she wants to begin reconciling, but as soon as we do so it becomes apparent she was not indeed ready. All she can do is yell and say I have all the moves to make, which she won't accept. When her family shows up to berate me for upsetting her I notice something. This isn't Heather's family. Turns out its not Heather either, these people are different. They are dark skinned and disfigured. I run away.

Next thing I know I am in a police station filing a report. Heather and her family show up and at first I mistake them for themselves. But when they sit down I notice they are still the disfigured people from before. I stand up and yell to the police, I tell them these people are trying to unrightfully take from me, then they open their mouths and they all have sharp teeth, I think of fighting but decide to run.

When I exit the door I find myself on a beach. There is a row of big guys, and I can tell they are mad at me. One of them steps up to me and I hit him and nothing happens. So I turn and run back through the door, back through the police station and out another door.

I'm now along a street, on the right side. I am with a few other people, perhaps a half dozen, and we are chasing things that are being blown around in the wind, but I can't tell what they are. It is then that I hear a voice say, "No one is killed by the last gust of a storm." We run alongside the road chasing the floating things. Then a girl in the group runs to cross the street after one of the objects, but she times it wrong and a car is headed for her. I jump in front of the car, expecting to die, but when the car hits me it crumples up and flips over the top of us, while it flies into a million pieces. And then I wake up.


Update: Had to take a very long break because Sam got here. I have no idea what time it is but we destroyed downtown Nashville.

Now the really weird thing, is that the last few days, I've been thinking of this lesson I heard Dave Sloop give one time. He was talking about in Matthew where Jesus and the disciples are in a boat and a storm comes and the diciples wake Jesus up, asking Him to calm the storm. And Dave's point was that the way that story really starts, is with Jesus telling everyone to cross the lake. Jesus took them out there knowing the storm was coming. And I've been thinking of how much that story applies to me.

And then after I have this dream and wake up, I pray and open my Bible. Care to take any guesses as to where my Bible fell open to? Yeah. Matthew 8.

I think the storm may be ending soon, but I've felt that way for a very long time.

One of the most troubling things about all this is what feels like a complete loss of discernment, which is normally one of my spiritual gifts. But here, with things regarding Heather, and work, and where home is . . . I just feel like I can't make heads or tails of everything. All the thoughts I have are at least second guessed, and usually more than that. If I feel Heather is still the one, I chalk it up to my own desires. Same if I think God is affirming our ordination as a couple. And if I doubt it, if I feel bitter or angry towards her, I feel this is just Satan trying to pull me off, or human wisdom. Same if I think of moving on. But is moving on what God really wants, is it my own thoughts that has me interpreting His readings for me the way I do . . . . And this is what my head feels like.

Emily (thank God for her) sent me a rather long message today. We haven't talked in a few days so it was a general review and response. She encouraged me in a few places and called me out on a few things.

One thing she said struck me. Yesterday or the day before I realized that I don't actually know how Heather feels. I assume she is angry because that's how she was and she hasn't contacted me. But . . . God could be doing even more with her than He seems to be with me. I don't actually know where she is. She could be just bursting to call me and tell me how much she misses me. I don't know. Oh how I wish I did.

She said something else that struck me.

"Also, I think you need to figure out how to live in the present. Not the past, not the future, the present. Love Heather in the present. Even when this is resolved, you guys will have to start over. as a brand new Zach and Heather. It will not be the same. And that will be GOOD."

And its something I've thought about. But I'm not really sure of how to love her right now. I'm honestly running out of prayer steam. And the whole starting over thing, I've thought of it, but . . . am I ready? How do we even do that? There's not a new personality to discover. There aren't years of stories to learn. We've fallen in love before, how do you do it again?

When God is involved coincidences usually aren't. Which is why Emily mentioning a particular verse that came up recently in another conversation makes me think. It is SOS 8:6 "Put me like a seal over your heart . . . ." Really? This came up last Wednesday at small group. Am I going crazy?

Today was hard. It was so hard to think of not being there for her. Not playing a part in giving her a great birthday. I can only imagine how are wedding date will feel if we are not together. Kill me now.

Tonight was great though. I had an amazing time with Sam and my brother Brian. I may write more on it later, but the short story is this: Skipping around downtown Nashville bars, saw the shortest skirt and tightest jeans I have EVER seen, and at one point I threatened to "punch a little kid in the face and put my foot on his neck and hold him down and shoot him."

Oh yeah!

"The silence is killing me" - Underoath

But its easy, Jesus is on the throne.