The Good Thing About Grace Is . . .

How would you finish that phrase? Think about it now.

I have ideas circulating in my head for messages/sermons, and I have previously refrained from sharing some of those thoughts here, but tonight I can't.

Tonight at CAKE we talked about the story of Noah's and his big boat. My attention was piqued because just today I began reading a book about the Ark of the Covenant.

Towards the close of the evening, a video talking a bit about TOMS (the shoe company) was played and offered as an answer to some pictures of barbarism and suffering that had been shown earlier. The idea was to get an initial picture of the wickedness of our generation given the opening of Genesis 6 where God decides to wipe humanity from the face of the earth. But Noah is righteous, so he is saved. And then TOMS was used as a corollary to Noah's righteousness. Indeed outright stating that God must be pleased with that picture in comparison to the awful things our age of humanity has produced.

I'm a supporter of GodWhy, both in principle and in practice. I believe in reaching out to seeker's and the un-churched and the anti-churched. But I'm about as theologically conservative as they come, to the point of clashing with traditionalism in some cases. Now those two things don't have to disagree. One of the great discussions of Young Life is the means of culturally relevant presentation of an unchanging message. That Christians must be willing to do whatever it takes to get people to hear the Good New. But if that news is changed, the mission becomes worthless. What's the point if the message changes. And I'm pretty sure a line was crossed tonight.

As soon as the video played alarm bells went off. I was concerned that this was the selected video as a display of modern righteousness. But I waited to see if more came of it. And then as the post video discussion happened, that's exactly where it went. In the end it only barely felt like anything having to do with a church. It felt more like a community organizing workshop or something. Not everyone, but here people were, including leaders, lauding the greatness of the deeds, without regard for the person's relationship with Christ. And that bugs the heck out of me. And scares me.

Just as I was figuring out what I could possibly say, the girl in front of me quickly jumps in and says it all so much better than I ever could have. She points out that salvation is not secured by works, and that it is faith in Christ alone which reinstates us with God. It was succint, it was not academic, it was diplomatic. And the response was that it was totally understandable to have that view. We're not talking about views. We're not talking about opinions. This is as basic as theological facts get. We screwed up. We're destined to die, but God comes and paves the way and says, "Please, turn around. I love you. Just come back."

In 2005 a team of researchers from the University of North Carolina at Chapil Hill's National Study of Youth and Religion released their findings. The most important finding was that most teens, while self-identifying as Christians, were indeed not. Most teens actually ascribed to a new cultural religion called "Moralistic Therapeutic Deism." An excellent article describing this religion and the reactions to the study can be found here. Why is this relevant? Firstly because I was just discussing this very idea last night with Rachel and Nick and Katie. We got to talking about our parents religions beliefs and how much their own theological smorgasbording, when combined with relativism and universalism and social justice theory, gave rise to this new religion. While not practitioners themselves, our parents birthed this beast. Jerks.

MTD is identified by five main points, two of which are significant to our discussion. Number 3 is that "the central goal of life is to be happy and to feel good about oneself." and number 5 is that "good people go to heaven when they die."

The last of these is an odd amalgamation of universalism and works based salvation. "Yes there is a God, yes there is a heaven. And everyone is welcome. If you're good, you get in."

And here it comes. A big ole load of truth. MTD is full of crap. Universalism is impossible to Biblically support, and works based salvation is only slightly less so. Put them together (i.e. MTD) and you're just rolling around in a big load of . . . well . . . you know.

Tonight during Transformers, there was a part where Shia LeBeouf's character says that he knows something will work, and when questioned why he respons, "Because I believe it will." or something like so. Then the music swells and the scene changes is. And Hollywood establishes the shifting recreation of truth based on belief as truth.

And I'm here with happy news. Truth is not subjective. At best, truth with a little "t" can be perspective based, but even a relative difference in what two people consider as cold will not change whether or not the temperature is actually so. And the bigger the "T", the bigger the Truth, the less flexible it is. And no matter how much Christianity wants to appeal to outsiders, or even that Christians want to not deal with hard truths. They are what they are. Or I supposed we could believe that 2,000 years of tradition, based on thoughts and writings of Jesus' contemporary's and their intellectual descendents did not indeed produce truth. I'm sure Brian McLaren has finally really stumbled on the truth.

The worst part, the worst part about this, is that we're not even changing for the better. There's a part of me that understand's the alternative possibility of leavign out information that may put off certain people. I can understand and agree with not touching on certain subjects or ideas until someone already has a certain amount of faith. But the problem here is that covering up this truth, or even worse, changing it, does not improve anything. It destroys.

At the creation of the world, we, people, were so close with God we could walk with Him daily. Every single day we were in His physical presence, which is impressive considering all matter and time and space are dependent on Him, so His physical presence is really only an interpretable projection. Nevertheless, we were there. And then despite having no reason to doubt or disobey God, we break the one and only rule there is. And in doing so, place ourselves in a state of separation from God known as "Sin", with the accompanying symptoms of "sin".

And a works based salvation, universalist or not, paints a picture of a God saying, "well . . . there you are. You're welcome back . . . if you can make it." We think we are doing Christianity or humanity a service by casting the light as,"dont' worry what you believe, just be good."

But the truth is so much more beautiful.

The good thing about grace. The beautiful thing about grace, is that we chose to seperate ourselves from God. We wronged Him. And instead of leaving us there, or telling us to make our way back. He comes running and screaming. He comes scrambling out of heaven to fix our mistakes.

The beautiful thing about grace is that God says, "I love you so much that I refuse to leave you where you are. I'll do all the work. Just accept me."

The beautiful thing about grace is that it means God came down out of heaven, to climb into the mud and experience every terrible thing man could create. To bear its weight. Because He loved you so much He couldn't stand to be away from you.

And every time that hammer fell upon those nails, it was your face that He saw. Whispering, "this is for you my beloved."

You cannot earn a love this grand.

The beautfy of God's gift of grace, is that because we can't earn it, we don't have to.

He takes care of everything, even though its our fault. And all we have to do, is stretch our arms out, and accept it.

And how much better, how much more beautiful, how much more loving, is that, than the idea of "being good."

We can't do such a thing. But that's okay. We don't have to.

Our debt has been paid.

And you can't earn a love that grand.

Did we just go in a giant circle?

Just got back from Transformers (super b-a) and Josheb and I are chilling together.

I got talking to Brian online, which is always good because it centers me back around on that virtue I treasure and strive for so dearly, but can so easily lose. Honesty. And where it goes easiest, inside. I just quit examining, quit being introspective. And suddenly I end up somewhere I didn't want to be.

I know I need to write a blog post. I know I haven't done it in about a week. I know that's not good for me, and its not fair to you all. I know I have a lot to say. I also know that its all getting stuck, and I'm having trouble writing. And I know that I should go to bed, because its already late, and its gonna be a long weekend.

Part of it, part of what makes it so easy to go on, is the lack of feedback. I have a rough idea of how many people are reading this, some very regularly, some with more casual interest, but the amount of feedback I get is sparse. Really people, part of the whole point of this for me is that its easier than covering the same ground multiple times. This is a conversation. Emails?

Holy crap, I actually had to go back and read my last post to remember how long it'd been. Well nutsors. I could have sworn I wrote something after that. It would help if the date weren't wrong, I wrote that on Wednesday, what's the deal Blogger.com? Are you tired?

Thursday was a trip. Literally and figuratively. I got up way early and was still running late. So I drive to White House (see: the other side of the earth) to pay a bill for my mom and then rush back to GodWhy to print some stuff and meet the people for the meeting, who it turns out can't go. So I leave late and head up to Westmoreland, by myself. Not the plan, but its okay.

I think its safe to say the meeting went very well. The educators and adminstrators Phil and I met with seemed very receptive to the idea of 912 Park, and were very helpful in terms of offering ideas and sharing what they saw in Westmoreland. I've gotten a few reports back that everyone else thought it went well to, so kicken. Phil and I then went over to Park to meet Jenn and Lauren to go over the interior paint colors.

Skipping the rest of the play-by-play, we'll just cover importantness. On Friday I went to a party with an old friend of mine, which was pretty heartbreaking. Admitedly humorous at points. It reminded of this thing about myself, where sometimes I make jokes for no one else, and I think they're pretty good.

Saturday was a lonely day, which came into heavier play on Sunday.

Sunday was . . . interesting. Church was . . . interesting. The worship itself felt disjointed for me. I just couldn't get into it. Couldn't let go. And I had the hardest time paying attention during the message. The afternoon was interesting, but I can't remember why.

Sunday night was . . . just curious. A number of people were missing, which was understandable given that it was Father's Day. But there was a far more pressing thing on my mind. I felt terribly out of place. The whole time Dan was teaching (Aaron was spending time with his family because of some busy weeks and traveling), I just felt . . . like I was in the wrong place. Like I wasn't wanted there. And it extended out from that. I won't give details, but when I left that night, I was discouraged about every single friendship I've formed at CIL. On the way home I was making a list of other churches I could reasonably try out, and come up with very little. But that's how bad it was. And it hasn't really gotten any better.

Part of it is this interminable phenomena of couples spending every single second of free time together. Good gosh what's the deal. In some ways it makes sense, because there aren't more significant friendships there, and I'd probably do the same thing were I in their situation. But its just not good for anybody.

So here I am, suddenly terribly unhappy with my friendships from my church, acutely aware of how little I mean to those people, and seriously wondering if I'm getting fed from any of my spiritual connections. The combination of things left me with an intense desire for brotherhood. For friendships in general, but specifically for some good, deep, and preferably multi-sourced brotherhood. But I'm just boggled as to how this could happen. I've been aware, but been recently reminded of how much spiritual depth I feel is lacking from CIL. Which means the friendships that were forming don't go where they should, and dissolve. And really I don't know many guys from GodWhy that I can see myself hanging out with as much as I had been with the CIL people. And I'm not sure I know anybody that I feel comfortable, or even on plane with, to really go deep with them. This is not a good position.

Monday and Tuesday were really just more of the same. Dealing with those feelings, and with others. Tuesday night, however, was great.

Kairos was incredible. The worship was stellar, just picking me up and carrying me away. And Mike's message was as good as ever. And yet I had trouble paying attention. I had trouble taking notes. Its like . . . I don't even know what its like. But I think something is wrong with me. The closing worship, however, was unbelievable. Once they gave the dismissal . . . nobody left. Imagine the spirit of God, the power of the worship experience, the joy of a church, where people don't leave when its over. Where they stay at their seats and say, "no, we're here to worship. And we intend to." And so it went on.

And when I got home, I felt it. I felt that I'd grabbed hold of more life. That I'd pulled my head above water for air.

But today it was gone. And it should have been. I should be living by the vine. But . . . I think I've ended up in a bad place. I'm reading everday. I'm praying everyday. I haven't missed a day in the Bible or my prayer journal for 3 months, and yet . . . I know that these last few days . . . I haven't been where I've needed to.

Case-in-point: I'm pretty sure God is trying to get my attention. My mp3 player broke on Thursday and has had to be sent off for service. I've been feeling restless. I've had other avenues of attention stripped. I've had some things go wrong. And after more than a week of nothing, I've dreamt every night for the last three nights. Two dreams each night. Always two. But I haven't even kept a record of them.

I know Sunday night was some sort of fight scene, that felt so very real, and then a dream of sitting with Heather, talking about everything, with her being angry.

I don't remember the dreams from last night, but Monday night's dreams are of particular concern.

There was another fight scene dream. At the end of it, everything changed. I was standing face to face with a lovely young lady. A slender blonde in a purle shirt. She stepped towards me and I took a step back, falling over as she fell on top of me, and then she leaned in to kiss me. Before I fell I asked her what her name was. And she told me.

So then on Tuesday night, at Kairos, while we're leaving I see a girl in the crowd I think I recognize, so I peer through the heads to get a second look. She's blonde, wearing a purple shirt, and I've seen her face before.

And I didn't go and ask her what her name was.

What the heck?! What's my deal? Why do I feel so funky and out of sorts? I thought I was pursuing. I've been to at least 2 and usually 3 church services every week for 3 months. In that same time I've been daily in the Bible and my pj, and I've been better about praying over a longer period than I've ever been. So how the flying flip did I get here? What's going on?

So what about girls? And what can't I ever quit worrying about that? Because my wife is out there somewhere, and I miss her terribly. I'm daily reminded of my desire for her, and the things I am looking forward to. I cannot wait to bow down and worship with you. I cannot wait to speak so softly and tenderly in your ear.

God has given me no direction with Amber, which probably is a direction. And I'm totally okay with that. But I can't seem to let go of desire. Part of me wants to go really old school and starting asking people, "hey, know anyone who'd be interested in guy like me? Anyone I'd be interested in?" Dear God, why don't you just get this over with?

On the upswing, the last few days have been very good for my self-esteem, for reasons I cannot easily identify. I'm an offering and I know it. I know what I'm worth. Not as a matter of pride, hardly, simply true humility. The admission of the bad, with the recognition of the good.

What is the Lord teaching me . . . well I'm glad you asked, I'd like to devote another post to that. So as I close this one, let me just say I don't think this is well written. I think it is choppy and incomplete. I think I touch on grand ideas I should probably expand on. I think I've left things out. That's what I get for starting late after going a week without writing.

"The easy way out"

I was inspired for the title by something a friend wrote in a blog, but I'll get to the real relevance later.

It's been a pretty crazy few days. Monday was . . . largely a blur, aside from going to play volleyball that night, which was a blast. Amber was there. I acted totally awkward. I think I should get an award of some sort.

Yesterday was great. After putzing around during the day (i.e. housework, music-writing and listening, reading, videogames, and 912 Park research), six of us met at church to go to Kairos together. And it was incredible.

The worship was fantastic. They did a number of songs I'd never heard, which can unfortunately throw off your groove, keep you from getting lost. Not last night. I was a goner. Just me and God.

The message was astounding. Mike read from 1 Corinthians 5:12-20 and talked about self worth. He talked about the price God paid for us and what that says about our value. And he placed special emphasis on what that worth means in terms of dating.

I'm glad to say that I've let loose a little lately and have been doing a lot of thinking. And indeed some of it has been about Amber. See I realized I was in a position where discovering what I wanted could actually help. I've gotten a few things that seem to be God telling me to pursue her, including one that was kind of over the top. But I realized yesterday that I need to have different standards. See I'm not sure if pursuing her is what I want, but I think there is actually some value in figuring it out, because it makes a difference as to what standards I use to determine God's will. See, if something lines up with what I want, then it requires more care, meaning more/bigger signs.

Anyhow, to totally put it out there, one of the things that inclines me to say no on the whole Amber thing is I don't feel like we're on equal footing spiritually. She is a believer, and she seems to have a heart that really desires God, but when I talked about successful prayer efforts and hearing God, she expressed it as a desire. Now this is all just my impression, and its not necessarily bad. I admit a part of me would like to play a role in her expanding faith experience. But I don't know what I want, and I don't know what my place is.

But I'm pretty sure that if I don't want to pursue her, I should be, because I've probably got enough weight behind a message from God in that case. And I kind of think that's the way things are. So I started thinking about why I was acting so weird around her. And outwardly I was really just trying to be accommodating. I didn't want her to feel pressure or attached because of the date. But indeed I think I erred on the wrong side. I don't think I properly expressed interest, or even cordiality.

And whether its God or just my own heart, I was just rejecting it all and looking for "the easy way out." To not have to deal with whatever was there. I'm irked by the irony of how often "the easy way" is anything but.

So tonight I was talking to Zane on the phone for a while and he was telling me about this girl he went on a date with, and mentioned she had an older sister, whom I asked about. He immediately asked me about Amber. And I told him, I don't know if I want to try and talk to her more to see if something develops, and partially in consequence, but much more importantly, I don't know what God wants.

But the real interesting thing about all of it is that I'm kind of in a dating mood now. Kind of. Part of me wants to wait until I'm more established. Until I have this completely self sufficient life that would make a more impressive presentation. "Here's my ministry(ies) and here's how God has made me/makes me capable for them." "Here's my job" "Here's my friends and my church" "Here's my relationship with God, and my out of control love for Him. Here's what it looks like when I worship. Stand beside me?"

But part of me wants to date. Likes the idea, likes the newness, the discovery. Too bad my standards are so high. And I have nowhere to meet anyone.

Tonight I was doing dishes (by hand) and I just realized. I'm really happy. I feel collected and appropriately confident. I want a girlfriend. I feel like I'm an offering instead of a taker now. And I'd like to share that. I'd like to have someone to care about at the end of the day, and have her return that.

On Monday night I did a private worship time, which was the first time in a while (stupid, I know). One of the things I read was the story where Jesus is anointed by a sinful woman while eating at a Pharisees house. Then tonight at CAKE Jenn referenced the same story. She also referenced the passage from Matthew where Jesus prays at the Garden of Gethsemane, which Aaron used on Sunday, for a different message. So that's two passages I've showing up twice in the same week.

CAKE tonight was about friendships, and about how to see and care for others. And I'm tempted to say this was just God wanting to get my attention for this listen. But two things strike me about this.

Firstly, it doesn't seem significant enough. I think I can safely say I'm not that far out on this lesson, so putting so much effort into getting my attention for this almost seems a waste. I feel like there's something bigger.

Secondly, I have to admit I'm a little disappointed. When I first noticed the corollaries I was rather amazed. But then I kind of felt let down. I still have all this need and desire in my life. I still have all these things I'd like God to provide clarity/direction/provision on. And He's "wasting" time on teaching me this goofy lesson I don't seem to need that badly. Don't You have better things to do with our time?

At the same time I know about lessons I still need to be learning right now. Discipline when things get better. Absence of fear. Perservernce. Trust.

On the way home from Stephen and Shandi's I was thinking about how I saw people. How I loved them. I realized I could do better, I've wanted to better for a while, but its not that I don't care. Its not that I don't love. Some of it is still having needs of my own, but what plays on that, and is more significant on its own, is that I care about the relationships themselves. I just can't seem to get all wrapped up in my friend's hopes and dreams, but I do want to hear about them, and pray through the hard times together. I want to be in their lives and have them in mine. But for me its more about the relationship itself. Maybe I'm just kidding myself.

One area I know I'm a terrible person is this: the other night Jenna and I were talking. I was telling her everything I could about Heather. About meeting, about getting together, about breaking up. I'm not sure how we got to it, but I told her I knew Heather would flip if she found out I'd gone on a date. And very unfortunately, a part of me wanted her to know, perhaps still does. What matters is the choice right?

The Lord is my shepard. He will take care of me.

"I went to get my masters . . . as a doctor."

What do I say about today? Today was one of the best days of my life. I'm not sure exactly what size pool we are talking about here . . . I just know it is, or was. Whatevs.

My head is swimming. I'm not sure I'm gonna make it through this post. I might just pass out right here. I'm not drunk, but I've felt like it ever since I got in the car with Jenna. Holy crap I forgot how much we laugh together. It was just one thing after another.

And I laughed a lot during group tonight too. Michael and Nick and I sat in a corner together, just making goofy jokes.

And earlier too. I spent time with Stephen and his son this afternoon. He told me some hilarious stories about his boy and we made some pretty good original laughs. During the meeting for 912 Park as well, we were just cutting it up. At one point Stephen beat boxed and I free-style rapped. No lie.

And worship this morning was great.

Okay, so weird little aside. Last night I was praying, and I prayed if God wanted me to "pursue" Amber. You know, just continue to show interest, get to know her, blah blah. And I open my Bible to Psalm 112. Don't really think much of it because it doesn't say anything that seems real clear.

So then this morning we have a special guest speaker at church who preached on receiving the favor of God. And while talking about receiving moving from the battle to receiving blessings, he suddenly opens his Bible to Psalm 112 and reads the first few verses. Uh huh . . . I'll give a minute to pick up your brand new bricks you all just crapped out.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for any amount of time should really pick up on the significance here. After being in a period of fighting for a while, I hear this preacher give this sermon which in part says that God wants to move you from the battle to the blessings, and then uses Scripture God gave me just the night before when I prayed about possibly pursuing Amber. And it ties in with the Ten Minas thing from a few weeks ago and . . .

Okay so along last nights themes, are you ready for this? As soon as I get in the car I'm thinking, "I wish you hadn't told me to pursue her, I have no idea what to do." Yup. I get what I ask for, and then I don't want it.

I am outrageous insanity.

So on the way back I suddenly turn to Jenna and say, "Holy crap, I was supposed to get married yesterday." I'd totally forgotten. I'm not sure when the last time I thought about it was. So then Jenna makes me tell her the whole story, from meeting to break up, because I'd been a terrible friend. And when its over Jenna says she bets Heather contacts me within a year of the break up. Whoever loses treats the other to a night out. I'm gonna be so expensive.

So we talked about it a little more, and I shared some things I didn't know I was feeling, and thoughts I didn't know I'd had. It was good.

So then Jenna and I talked about Amber a little, and we both reached the same conclusion, which was wondering how to show I'm interested, without pressuring her or overstating my attachment. Conundrum.

So as I was driving home, taking some time along the back roads, I was thinking over my day. And I realized how many points today I just felt like me. Really, really me. And I'm not sure how long its been since I've felt it so much. So strongly. But it was wonderful.

so its the night time. And its the right time . . .

I've been writing more in my prayer journal the last few days. Something is coming. Some big blessing. Some woman, some job, some learning point from God. I want to be ready.

"And so it is . . ."

Damien Rice - 'The Blower's Daughter' - I have no idea of the significance, I just can't get it out of my head. I think there's something related, in the feel.

Alright well, I'm going to a bit of how my night went, but really only as a means to a greater purpose.

We went to the drive-in tonight, in celebration of Emily's birthday. A bnuch of people met at Cheddar's for dinner, and then a smaller group headed up to Franklin to catch the movies. Its funny, because last night when we were out, I felt like Amber was diggin me, and then tonight . . . well, it seemed definitely not. Nothing particular to put on it, aside from a general lack of communication, which just contributed to the vibe.

Now I want to make something clear. Yes, I like Amber. I think she is great and I would appreciate the opportunity to pursue her, but the idea is not consuming me. I don't want to make it seem like that's what was on my mind all night.

What is important about it is this: I think I'm insane. And here's why:

When Heather first broke up with me I thought that if I only knew how it'd turn out I'd be fine. So then I THINK I hear God telling me how it'll turn out and then I'm upset because I don't see it turning out that way, or being able to participate. So then God calls me to participate, He says, "fight for her." And then I'm dissatisfied because 1) I don't see any results and 2) I discover I don't want to. And when i feel I don't want to fight for her, I suddenly don't like that thought either and "recommitt" myself. And then I just sort of stop doing it. So then I meet Amber and God tells me to ask her out on a date, so I do. And I was so ready, from the time He told me to do it until early today, to just say, "It was a great night, and she had a great time. If I never speak to her again, that's good enough." And then I get around her again, and all of a sudden I just want to know where I stand. Does she like me? Should I pursue or leave her alone? Where do I draw the line between showing her I'm interested and not pressuring her?

Its such bullcrap. Whenever I get somewhere, I always wish I was somewhere else, and usually its where I was before. "Oh if only I knew the end result, I could handle the steps in between. Oh, well if only I could just not look past the step I'm on right now." Its freaking crazy.

I know everyone does it to some extent. Its the nature of devloping a thoughtlife. Its part of the struggle of following Christ. Its mastering instincts, and emotions, and desires, and putting them to rest to let God and His will be your only reality. But it just feels so . . . I just feel crazy.

Additionally tonight I noticed that I'd been acting rather goofy lately, which I'd say most people who've known me well in my past would more closely associate with the real me. And I didn't like it. And that combined with my awareness and consideration of my feelings about wondering whether or not Amber liked me, led me to that far more quiet, reserved, deadpan place. And when I got there, I didn't like it. I felt like a dud and I felt out of place. Great.

Indeed I felt out of place most of the time tonight. Like I didn't belong. Like every interaction, like being there at all . . . . I don't even know how else to put it.

I seem to recall that a few weeks ago I'd managed to just shut my brain off so I didn't think about this crap. I miss that. But I'm sure if I get there again I'll just wish I wasn't there. Again.

Yeah, my life should be a movie. Jamie's told me that. Sams and Chick have told me that. Joy, Kyle and Dave. Tons of other people, some important, some not. And right now it just seems like a joke. At the same time all of this stuff and wondering about my place with god and what He'll do and where He wants me to go, and I still feel like its just boring. Even while I'm overly dramatic.

I just realized I'm not in a good mood at all. I'm gonna do some very heartful praying, cause I feel like crap. I'm not even entirely aware of why. I mean, I've gone through everything weighing on me right now, and yet I can't say I should feel the way I do.

So its time to remember, its time to hear:

It's easy, Jesus is on the throne.

Craziest day ever? And, oh yeah, Date Night

Yesterday was one of the craziest days of my life. My day began at 6:30 am, after a good 3 or so hours of sleep. Glenn texted me and asked me if Amber and I were going out tonight, which I'd already told him yes, I guess God just wanted me up.



So I decided to go to the gym and spar for a little while. I broke a guy's nose. This joker decided not to wear a helmet because he was 6'2" 205lbs, and I'm 5'9" 160lbs, so he was overconfident. I got a good double in his midsection, causing him to draw towards in pain, leaning in. Just as he did I came in with my right elbow and caught him on the bridge of his nose. Saweet.



Then I drove to Hermitage to go to the bank, closest Wachovia to my house is 30 mins away. Nice. I stop to buy a new pair of pants on the way back and then clean my car out when I get home. Then I rush over to meet Stephen, Shandi, Jamie Lea, and Jenn to go visit 912 Park and look at the facility. You know you're in Westmoreland because our driving directions included "Stop at the Hardees if you need to use the restroom." (The bathrooms in the building aren't ready yet, still, its the idea of it.) We stayed there for quite some time, touring and examining. Talking about issues and possibilities. We laughed a lot and found ways to save money and still get what we want. I'm happy about what's going on there.



So I get back and have to run home to grab stuff I forgot, and while there I get a few phone calls which take up time, and then I'm on my way to meet everyone at a local waterpark. I get there about 30 minutes later than I figured I would and say high to everyone, including a slightly awkward high to Amber. So we line up to do my first attraction of the day, and we're all standing in line talking, except Amber goes and sits at the side of the pool to watch. And then Mike turns to me and says something about "my girl" and going to sit with her, and everyone else joins in on ribbing me. And I realize. She's into this.



See in addition to the anxiety of the last few days, the text message she sent me just said "hanging out" so I didn't know if she was intentionally downplaying the date aspect because she didn't want it to be that or . . . yeah, so. Now I'd hardly call her "my girl" as Mike did. We went on a date. I do like her. What's important is that it wasn't just me being excited, and she was well aware it was a date, and was still going.



So after having a great time at the water park we head back to my house to change. When she walked out . . . she looked absolutely stunning. She's gorgeous. And she looked great in that dress. I was absolutely blown away.



We drove down to West End to eat at Blackstone, which is an upper-midscale resteraunt and micro-brewery. Dinner was great, chatting, flirting, and eating too. Then we drove back dowtown and walked 2nd and Broadway. I took her to Nashville's Big Bang Bar. Big Bang is a dueling piano bar. Two guys play piano and sing, requests, goofy songs. They brought people up from bachlor parties or brithdays and sang some very funny, though vulgar songs. We had a great time.



alright, so those are the technicals . . . but how was it?



I thought it was great. The conversation was easy and enjoyable, and the few short pauses there were felt fine. We flirted. She was playful and fun and good gosh is she funny. She's very witty and keeps up like you wouldn't believe. There were a few nice moments of holding eyes. It was all around just great.



And then when I took her back to Dan and Alissa's she hugged me and told me she had a great time.



So there you have it. No idea what comes next, if anything. But she's a great girl and I had a great time.



I tried to spend some time praying and worshiping last night, but I was so tired I fell asleep very shortly after getting home.



So now we'll see.



God is so good.

Slight look back

Okay, so I should have blogged the night before last, but I didn't. I ended up talking to a few people way late and doing research. Research for what? Well that's part of what made Thursday such a good day.



After a fairly long day, my phone rings at 10 til 7. Its Glenn. I haven't spoken to Glenn in almost 3 months. And I've missed him more than I can say.



I wish Glenn lived here because I can't imagine any guy I'd want in my life more. That I'd want to have asking tough questions and keeping me real.



So we talked for about 20 minutes, because he was going to visit his lady friend. We talked a little about why we hadn't talked, and a lot more about how we were spiritually. And its so weird, because we were both dealing with very similar things, kind of. In terms of how they relate spiritually. One of the things we talked about was everything I shared in the previous few posts about what was going on with Amber. Glenn and I talked for a while longer, he almost has me convinced to come spend a week or so with him on Long Beach, and then we said goodbye.

Almost as soon as I hang the phone up, even before I can set it down, I get a text message. Its Amber telling me that the next night (i.e. last night, Friday) will be best if I still want to go out. I text her back saying heck yes I do, and she sends an excited "Okay!" So . . . she's excited?

Then on Thursday night, I spent about 15 minutes just praying for various people. For Amber and her family. For Brian. For my mom and brother. For Dan and Alissa. For Nick. For Rachel. For Daniel and Dan R. For my extended family. For my friends involed with Young Life. I just made a go of it.

And that's something I need to do more. I'm so bad at praying for others.

Anyhow, I stayed up way too late researching resteraunts and then . . .

Tempted for regret, living for His love

So its 2 am and I'm just eating dinner. I feel like I've only been home to sleep the last few days. Its almost like high school. I ended up leaving for church without eating, and then just kept going places with people, and then, while leaving Christin's house I grabbed some Nerds, which reminded my stomach how angry and empty it was. So hot dogs at 2 am it is.

All I can think right now is how good God has been to me lately. How good He is. The last two days have just been great.

Holy crap . . . I just had an idea, something that . . . if it happened it'd be far off. But its something God could be setting up. It'd be kind of crazy, but I wouldn't be totally opposed. Its reaching way back though, and it'd be pulling some amazing strings. Oh yeah, do you dig the ambiguity?

Its funny, early tonight, a few minutes ago, I was thinking of the tons of stuff I wanted to put into the blog, and now . . . I'm struggling to put anything down. But when I sat down, I really wanted to write. I wanted to do a post. Wanted to. Welcome to the new era.

So some of you may be wondering, what happened with Amber. I'm not gonna tell you . . . suckers.

Okay, fine.

I had trouble sleeping the night before last. I felt like I was awake the whole time. I was kind of excited for the next day and I was more than a little stunned at what God had said, about asking Amber on a date. I got up 30 minutes before my alarm was set to go off, after already going back to sleep twice.

I grabbed some breakfast and went outside to do a quiet time. After doing a little bit of reading and praying I decided to go for an answer. After my edict from the night before I was a little bit curious about the timing, so I prayed, asking God if I should ask her that day. I opened my Bible to Psalms. For certain reasons I'm withholding the specific reference, but rest assured the message was clear. "Yes today you big dummy."

I got over to Alissa and Dan's at 9 and was not surprised to find that they weren't quite ready. So I just chilled, and ended up talking to Amber for about 20 or 30 minutes, which was nice.

We finally get rolling and we lazily make our way down to the Pancake Pantry. The food was great, rivaled only by the company. Dan and Alissa are some of my favorite people. The more time I spend with them, the more I want to be friends with them. They are warm and inviting. They are considerate and giving and loving. They are funny and laugh easily. And Amber was there. She's sweet and engaging. Sometimes it seems she is quiet, but when she speaks there's no hint of self consciousness. She just commands attention. And she's really funny. I'd wager a lot smarter than she lets on. Not intentionally, she just doesn't need to throw it around.

After that we try to get lost on our way over to the Farmer's Market, and after Amber encouraged me take a police officer's gun, we were finally there. We walked around for quite some time, looking at all the fresh fruits and veggies. Looking at the stuff that was just supposed to look fresh. Going through the international market. Smelling herbs. and looking at flowers. There was one moment where I smelled this ripe little plumb. I called Amber over to smell it and held it out for her. Instead of taking it, she just leaned down and sniffed, my hands cupped, holding it right up to her. It was a really picturesque little moment.

But . . . I was so relaxed. There was this crazy juxtaposition of feelings. All day I was aware of what I had to do at some point. And yet . . . I wasn't nervous about impressing her. Heck I wasn't even nervous or striving for creating little moments like that. I wasn't nervous at all. I wasn't trying to get her to like me. Or really to find out a lot more so I could like her. I wasn't really trying to do anything. I was so very . . . relaxed. Honestly it . . . I could say it felt like we were actually dating. Walking around with another couple. And yet not. There was no pressure. I almost didn't feel any different than if I weren't attracted to her and didn't have to ask her out. I can certainly say I wouldn't have acted any different.

Once we got back everyone wanted to lay out by the pool, and Amber invited me to stay, so after a detour back to my house for my trunks, we hung out at the pool for a long time. All along I was planning on going to Kairos. And I was really looking forward to it. And then comes along this line of thinking.

See I took some time to think in the morning. God wanted me to ask her on a date that day, but I had say as to when and how. I just figured I'd recognize an opportune time and take it, but I made a decision that I'd wait, until I was leaving in some capacity. That way if she wasn't into the idea at all, she wouldn't have to be around me after I asked. I'd just leave and it would be fine.

But then she and Alissa convinced me (through not much coaxing) to stay for dinner and a movie. So I did.

After a fairly delightful little evening, where Dan and Alissa slept through most of the movie, we all got up and did late night post movie slugging around, Dan and Alissa working through some house duties. I kept waiting for a moment. Waiting to get some courage up. A separate moment. It didn't come. So eventually I just had to ball my courage up and ask Amber to step outside with me when I left. I said my goodbyes and she followed me out.

I got down to business quickly. "I'd like to take you out on a date while you're here. And I know you've got a lot going on right now with your family, and you're not here long, and you really want to spend time with Alissa, but I was praying last night and I have to do this."

And she said, "Yeah, okay, I'll ask Alissa about it." And so I left.

Now I left honestly feeling a little defeated. And still today I do some. She didn't seem excited at all, which I can't blame her for. And if so it must have been terribly awkward for her. I kind of feel like it was getting let down gently. And I've been tempted to feel bad about it. I've been tempted to regret putting myself out there like so. To wonder how awkward it'll be when she's hanging with my group of friends Friday, and Saturday, and Sunday. But then I remember. I didn't have a choice in the matter. I didn't sit down and decide to ask her out. If it was up to me I'd have never breathed a word. Its not the kind of guy I am. Good women, attractive, engaging Christian women terrify me. I can't ask them out. I can barely speak to them. But I didn't have a choice. So I just keep telling myself that.

So she didn't seem excited, and maybe she'll dodge it and it won't happen. But I have to say, that all that day she seemed to be digging me. There were glances, and moments. And when she'd ask me about things, she seemed interested. So all that made it easier to ask. I guess I just would've expected something from it then. Oh well, it wasn't my choice.

And I didn't think much about it today. I just went about my day. I did a fair amount of work for the Westmoreland project. I tried to figure out which racecar around here I'm going to steal for a night and take to the track. I had a good time with my friends at Cake. And then had a great time with some of them afterwards. And I made one of the best jokes I've had in a long time, perhaps ever. So good that if I ever make a comedy movie, I promise I'm ending it with the joke. And it was situational, so it wouldn't be funny here, but in the movie, it'd be a different joke. And my friends from tonight would laugh hardest, but other people would laugh, never knowing there was a whole other layer.

Anyhow, tonight I met some really cool people, including two people that are fairly big minor names in the entertainment world. And I realized tonight just how much I like this new life I've inherited. How glad I was to meet those people, and even a desire to be more a part of where they were.

But also as I talked to Jamie tonight I had a troubling thought. I'm not sure most of my friends right now are really friends. To me they are important and I want to spend time with them. But I can really only think of two people who have gone out of their way to spend time with me. And I'm not just trowing a pity party. I've been reaching out. It just makes you wonder.

Tonight as I was walking in the house I felt . . . I felt so me. I felt confident, I felt so fulfilled in how I'd spent my time, and what I was doing right that minute, and what I'd do the next few minutes. It was a wonderful feeling.

As I was settling down, something interesting happened. Through a chain of thought I said something bad in my mind about Heather, and then I chastised myself for it. And I had a thought. Getting told to fight, I always knew I wasn't assured where it would lead or what it was for, but maybe this was it. Just to keep myself from bitterness. To keep myself from making my scars worse, from putting up walls.

I'll say it. I'd really, really like to go on this date with Amber. And I will be disappointed when it doesn't happen.

But I can't regret any of it. I just did what God told me to.

I realized tonight, while I was driving the long way home, how true that's been for me lately. I can count my regrets from the past three months on one hand. Because I've been with God, and I've been listening. And all I've done, almost every single thing is just what He said. Just whatever He told me. I've just done it.

And I love living that way. It reminds me of this Disciple song, 'Bring the Heat':

"I don't want speak a word without your anointing [1 John 2:20]
I don't want to take a step without you in front [2 Chronicles 20:17]
I don't want to hear a voice unless it belongs to you [1 John 2:27]
I don 't want to make a choice that you don't want me to [Deuteronomy 30:19]

Bring it to me bring the heat [Matthew 3:11]"

I don't wanna live some other stupid way. I wanna live completely sold out.

SOS

I have more I should probably share, but its late, and I'm mildly interested in sleeping, so all I will say is this.

Last night I was doing some praying and Bible reading after writing the post. And I prayed about asking Amber out on a date. And then I opened my Bible up, upside down. Introduction to Song of Songs. So there you go. What is that?

That makes something like three times I've gotten positive responses.

I like following Christ, because its not complicted. Its rarely easy, but its always simple.

While Broken Hearts Prevail . . . In Shallow Seas We Sail

Intended amalgamation of emery's latest ep and cd, which I think they intended to go together like that. I was just putting it because I like having figured it out, and the music is great, but now that I think on it . . . I believe there is something of a reality in the meaning as well.

So Monday pool parties are becoming a wonderful habit. I don't know why no one thought of them sooner. I'm sold.

This post is mostly to tell of a story I forgot to tell yesterday. On Sunday, at church . . . one of the Bible readings for the service was the Parable of the Talents (also known as the Parable of the Minas, or Parable of the Ten Minas). Everybody should recognize where that has come up before. The only thing . . . I was praying about different stuff the night before. This could be . . . well it could easily be something else, though very similar. Perhaps that would make it an even greater sign. I wrote on my bulletin, "I love ambiguous signs." Perhaps I should be listening more closely. Maybe I already hesitated. Its tough to listen right now. But . . . something is there. I suppose I should probably dig just a little.

I just realized . . . I want people to know me. I want the people I'm around right now, Stephen and Dan and Michael. I want them to know what I'm really like. The way my heart really beats. That when somebody asks about me they can just say, "He loves the Lord with his whole heart, he's tough, he loves well, and he's a certain kind of reliable." Or something like that. Probably less stupid and conceited sounding.

Another last minute thought. Tonight while we were hanging out Daniel brought up Harlequin icthyosis, which is a pretty horrific skin disorder. After a minor spat over the actual origin of ichtyosis (I minored in NT Greek and have worked on two New Testament translations, I think I would know), they started talking about pictures and video of it. And I realized I had absolutely no desire to see it. I just knew it would break my heart. I joked about being tender hearted, but . . . now I'm wondering. See there are certain things I can take, and I'd say I'm pretty solid, but for some reason that gets to me. And there are so many other things I wish I could forget. Its this weird dichotomy: I've been a river guide, done martial arts for years, played hockey in college, and have developed some emotional toughness as well. And maybe its just lately things get to me more, but maybe its certain things I can't handle. And I'm not sure if its good or bad. And I'm not sure what condition of resiliency I'd really say my heart had right now. Its just something I noticed.

Remember this, God is good, and He is in control. My time is coming. My time is close at hand. God brings victory. God is good.