SOS

I have more I should probably share, but its late, and I'm mildly interested in sleeping, so all I will say is this.

Last night I was doing some praying and Bible reading after writing the post. And I prayed about asking Amber out on a date. And then I opened my Bible up, upside down. Introduction to Song of Songs. So there you go. What is that?

That makes something like three times I've gotten positive responses.

I like following Christ, because its not complicted. Its rarely easy, but its always simple.

While Broken Hearts Prevail . . . In Shallow Seas We Sail

Intended amalgamation of emery's latest ep and cd, which I think they intended to go together like that. I was just putting it because I like having figured it out, and the music is great, but now that I think on it . . . I believe there is something of a reality in the meaning as well.

So Monday pool parties are becoming a wonderful habit. I don't know why no one thought of them sooner. I'm sold.

This post is mostly to tell of a story I forgot to tell yesterday. On Sunday, at church . . . one of the Bible readings for the service was the Parable of the Talents (also known as the Parable of the Minas, or Parable of the Ten Minas). Everybody should recognize where that has come up before. The only thing . . . I was praying about different stuff the night before. This could be . . . well it could easily be something else, though very similar. Perhaps that would make it an even greater sign. I wrote on my bulletin, "I love ambiguous signs." Perhaps I should be listening more closely. Maybe I already hesitated. Its tough to listen right now. But . . . something is there. I suppose I should probably dig just a little.

I just realized . . . I want people to know me. I want the people I'm around right now, Stephen and Dan and Michael. I want them to know what I'm really like. The way my heart really beats. That when somebody asks about me they can just say, "He loves the Lord with his whole heart, he's tough, he loves well, and he's a certain kind of reliable." Or something like that. Probably less stupid and conceited sounding.

Another last minute thought. Tonight while we were hanging out Daniel brought up Harlequin icthyosis, which is a pretty horrific skin disorder. After a minor spat over the actual origin of ichtyosis (I minored in NT Greek and have worked on two New Testament translations, I think I would know), they started talking about pictures and video of it. And I realized I had absolutely no desire to see it. I just knew it would break my heart. I joked about being tender hearted, but . . . now I'm wondering. See there are certain things I can take, and I'd say I'm pretty solid, but for some reason that gets to me. And there are so many other things I wish I could forget. Its this weird dichotomy: I've been a river guide, done martial arts for years, played hockey in college, and have developed some emotional toughness as well. And maybe its just lately things get to me more, but maybe its certain things I can't handle. And I'm not sure if its good or bad. And I'm not sure what condition of resiliency I'd really say my heart had right now. Its just something I noticed.

Remember this, God is good, and He is in control. My time is coming. My time is close at hand. God brings victory. God is good.

Sometimes good just isn't good enough

I'm feeling a little loopy. Honest to goodness if Kyle weren't at D-Focus I'd totally call him to wake him up.

Crap I have no idea where this is going, I just know I need to get something out.

The last few days have been really great. Although as I think about it, I think its mostly surfacey stuff. I want to see something deeply wonderful happen. Even if its just a deepening of a friendship. I'm still longing.

Now a part of what has been so great the last few days is meeting a girl. Let me say, this is, without a doubt, one of the most attractive women I have ever seen. She is ridiculously gorgeous. I will not lie and say I don't wish something could spark there, but it is highly unlikely. And wouldn't exactly consider it something I'm working towards. As evidenced by the fact I'm not entirely sure I've spoken any words directly to her (slight exaggeration). There are various reasons for this, long and involved, which I could go in to. But not the least of these is that she's Alissa's friend from Michigan. So yeah.

What is especially important about this is the fact that I'm attracted to her at all. Its a wonderful feeling. A very nice step.

At the same time, it makes me aware of something. I wish I was completely oblivious. I wish I didn't have a radar. I wish I found her attractive but had not even the slightest inkling of doing the slightest thing about it. Don't even ask me why. I haven't the faintest clue. I'm just insane.

So anyhow, I'm digging the weekly (if not more often) pool party thing. That is nice.

Church this morning was incredible. I worshiped with complete and total internal abandon. God and I were just all over each other. It was kind of embarrassing really, since I'm not all about public displays.

The Westmoreland project meeting went Great! We got a lot done and had some good discussion, and I think I made a big impression on Phil, which could really be good. Let's keep praying.

I have no sweeping thoughts I want to share. No grand realizations of God or self.

But tonight Brian and I were talking and after sharing one of the best and dumbest laughs I've gotten in a while he said something that brought about a feeling. He was talking about his day, and how good it was, and he mentioned having some really good conversations. And while I can say I've had a few good conversations lately, it has been a very long time since I've had a great one. Something deep and striking and wonderful with a dear or soon to be dear friend. And I want one. In reality its a greater desire for something deeply good to happen, and not just surface, but a conversation like that would be a good tiding for that.

So that's where things are in my world.

God is good. All the time.

The Heat

The title is a whole CD by needtobreathe. And its jam packed with feelings I've still been finding myself dealing with. What a load. On the plus side, the readership keeps growing. People I know are showing up and saying they're participating, and there are strangers too (just by numbers).

So here's a question/riddle: As a celibate, non-drinking, devout Christian, what do you do when you feel completely reckless and self-destructive? I suppose there are many answers, but this Friday night just had one. Find yourself in the familiar situation of risking you life, this time by the also familiar driving a race car at a nothing track for a friend you never talk to. Dare I say, sa-weet.

So I've been thinking a lot lately about mediated representationism. See, my senior year of college I took a class called 'Mediated Consumption and Personal Identity' which was about how personality is formed. We looked at it from lots of angles, anthropological, biological, sociological, etc. I was the only Christian in the class. And something came up every day making me aware of that, and usually putting me in the middle of an argument.

Anyhow, one of the books we read was 'Mediated' by Thomas de Zengotita. It is probably one of the best books about understanding the role of media in shaping the postmodern/postchristendom eras. One of the ideas that stuck out to me the most was his discussion of the rise of cultural method acting. de Zengotita posits that as a result of postmodernity's relativism hand in hand with pervasive media reshaping many facets of human thought, people have come to see truth as being only as real as their ability to act. Let me see if I can explain this better.

Late in the book de Zengotita talks about the end of nature as we know it. The example that still sticks out to me is when he talked about a wolf. He says that now, if you are out in the woods and you see a wolf, it doesn't mesmerize you. It doesn't inspire awe or anything of the sort, its actually quite boring. He says this is because things like National Geographic and Animal Planet and the Discovery Channel have given people a hyper-stylized view of animals. Once you have seen a wolf chase and catch a meal in HD, seeing it laze around doing nothing in real life is dull. Its less real than the real thing.

As applied to people, this means that the outlandish behavior of celebrities, or even the existence of celebritism itself is a product of the the digitized "real" eclipsing the real real. And one of the most damaging aspects of this is in regards to truth. Imagine a talk show like Maury Pauvich or that polygraph show that run on one of the networks a few years ago. People really believe, that if they just deny the paternity test or lie detector results hard enough, that it will be true. And if not absolutely true, at least people will believe them, which is good enough. Put on a big enough act, and you can change the truth, or at least convince people you are right. Nutso.

So why is this relevant? Well, I've been thinking about it, and its my blog. But really, something about things rings true for what has happened with Heather. I think of this lyric by Showbread, "Its easy to hear His voice/ its easy to turn it off/ its easy to make your choice/ its easy to turn yourself off."

I'm also reaching to see where this idea is reflected in my own faith, or in a wider swath of Christianity. Any thoughts?

In other news, I can't quit freaking missing Heather. I feel like I'm moving backwards. Its awful. Even worse, I don't ask God about it. I just don't feel like I'll get much out of Him. I'm still pretty sure He told me to fight. I'm still not seeing anything for it. Although this missing crap puts me kind of back in a place to feel like doing it. I think I just like pretending none of it ever was. I never met her. There is no pain. I don't have anything I'm supposed to be doing. But I'm still pretty sure He told me to fight. And I want so desperately to learn how to die to myself and just follow Him. Just follow Him, and nothing but.

And my urge to date fluctuates. Sometimes I still can't imagine being with anyone, or actually being satisfied with anyone. And then sometimes, I feel like I need to rush right out and meet someone. Which even if I wanted to, where would I go?

The worst part . . . none of its real. The only things that's real is what God says. Everything else is just . . . I don't even know. Its real, its just not reality. So what does God say . . . well . . . I think I remember, but crap.

So I finally dreamed again, Wednesday night. Technically its the first time in a week and a half, but in reality its two and a half weeks, because the last one doesn't count. (the last one, btw, was a dream where I was at a private concert by the Charlie Daniels Band with a bunch of my friends. The wierd part was that the next day I saw a billboard for a concert of theirs. But still, not significant).

So I sometimes pray for God to speak to me in my dreams, because He has done it. So for 6 nights straight I pray for God to speak to me in a dream. On Wed. it looked like this:

"Speak to me Lord. Tell me something, call me somewhere or to something. Let me hear You."

That night I had two dreams.

In the first I was on some sort of large ship living with a bunch of my friends. For some reason I was called to a chamber and I knew that I had to go and fight a battle. It was a weird mix of strategic control imagery and personal brute imagery, but I won, and was a big hero. But as I left no one really knew, and I was okay with it. And that's about all I can remember.

In the second dream I was in a house packing my things to get ready to leave, and I was angry. Heather's mother walked in and began talking to me, trying to convince me I should let go of Heather. I was angry, I was getting ready to leave, but I knew I was right. I knew that . . . well at one point she asks me if I really believe I'm supposed to be with Heather, and fighting back tears I said, "I have no reason to doubt that besides present circumstance. None"

so . . . whatever, I've completely refrained from thinking about these thigns, or dealing with them, or figuring them out. They are just there. I tried to type that they are just coincidences but . . . . I can't say stuff like that. I don't know. And the timing, where I was. What I prayed as I tried to sleep. Whatever.

Then last night another dream. Heater and I were reunited. And whether that idea makes me happy, angry, or apathetic depends on which minute you ask.

What do I want from God right now? I want Him to do something, or have me do something, or put me in place where I don't hate and doubt every thought and feeling. Where its okay to let myself feel, where it means something. Where I do actually feel something. Everything is muted right now.

And God hasn't spoken to me through Scripture in like a week. Or I'm just missing the message. Either way.

So now its late, and I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow.

And for all that . . . I'm in a good mood. And its not just because I won tonight. Let's call it a refleciton of the joy and glory and blessings that are coming. God let them come quick.

I guess that's a blog

I'm not sure where to begin. I have things to say . . . kind of. But just lots of disjointed little half thoughts. Then again, I guess that's a blog. And I guess I now have a beginning to this post.

So the other day I removed my "political views" thing from Facebook. I know it seems small, and its rather telling of how much Facebook has become a part of our lives, but it was big for me. Used to be, back in the day, that I really cared about current events/politics and being informed. From the days of being a way off the deep end crazy liberal high schooler, to going about as far across the board as I could in college.

I guess removing it started a few years ago. I was doing Summer Staff at Lake Champion and was working as the town runner. I think it was the third week, and I took another SS guy to the urgent care clinic in Milford, PA. I was sitting in the lobby waiting and I noticed the tv was on. I hadn't seen tv or the internet in about two weeks so I was passively curious. Its was CNN. And before even 5 minutes had passed I had to get up and walk outside to keep from bursting in to tears. Seeing . . . being so forceably confronted with how infected the world has become after being so close to Heaven just tore me apart. After I got back I avoided intentionally learning any news for months.

My last jont at LC had no such defining moment, but after going without that crap for a month, it was so easy and felt so good to not deal with it. And I would sometimes talk with Heather about doing it, and whether it was spiritually responsible or if I was just burying me head and being uninformed. But I never reached any solid ground. Then recently at Kairos Mike said something that got me thinking about this. He was talking about men he admired, and how they didn't engage in things most people did, but they spent lots of time in the word. And at some point I realized . . . I don't want to concern myself with politics. I want to concern myself with growing spiritually. I want to focus on knowing God and making sure I'm right by Him. I want to focus on my friends, and whatever ministry I'm involved in, and eventually my family. So I'm trying to pull myself out. I'm curious to see how I'll react towards the end of an election cycle. We shall see.

Speaking of Kairos, Tuesday was A-Mazing. Yeah, it had to be written like that. Mike was conspicuously absent, but it didn't matter, because it was a worship night. The band just kept playing. The worship leader did get up at one point (he wasn't playing) and spoke for a while, about worship. Which was essentially a mini-message, and a great one at that. But nothing typical. And I loved it. Just praising God. Just drawing near and feeling Him. So very good.

I noticed something last night though, afterward at PM. I was giving Nick some hassle about having bailed on hanging out with me and I realized I was being a jerk. And it wasn't the first time. On Sunday I was unintentionally rude to Brittany a few times, and very recently I said something very hurtful to a dear friend of mine. So I've apparently lost a good deal of my gentility.

One of the things I've always loved about being tough, about being capable and strong, is that I was also very gentle and tender. But apparently that's gone out the window as of late. And looking back over the times in my life, I can readily say it has something to do with being in a relationship. Sucktastic.

So I think I've been doing something very wrong lately. I just don't feel right. I haven't had a private worship time in I don't know how long. I feel out of sorts. I can't even really explain it, but it was bad and it was pervasive. And so yesterday I was praying about it. I thought about Heather more yesterday than I have in the past month. All day, memories and pictures and all kinds of stupid crap.

I thought about how . . . about how delicate she is. And as a part of that how she really shouldn't be with me. And that's only by thinking about things I've seen as a part of my life. Going to funerals for teens you are sure didn't know Jesus. Seeing a step dad beat a little girl just because her father was black. Finding out a girl is dating an older guy who's trying to get her pregnant so she'll drop out of high school and marry him. And its not over . . . God has a long hard road ahead of me. And she wasn't made for this. Was anyone?

And there we go back and forth again. I want to be in a relationship with my wife. And yet I don't. I want to be completely aloof and oblivious to girls. Welcome to crazy town. Population: 1.

Still I can't really . . . I still think I know what God said . . . so long ago.

I think I was better off when things were harder. I could feel God so often, I was so reliant. Now I feel like I'm alone at the middle of the ocean. No thoughts are real, or even constant. There is no path, no destination. Just drifting.

So last night at Kairos the worship leader led us through a prayer time, with a theme structure (praise, thanksgiving, supplication). So as soon as he said thanksgiving my brain goes, "Thank you God having me meet Heather." I'm not even sure what to say here. Nothing seems to fit.

I haven't heard from God in about a week. I'd like to.

One thing from Kairos . . . between songs Anthony started talking. And he was talking about how he has been having to remind himself lately that his desires and his emotions do not set reality. God sets reality. What God says determines what is true. And nothing else.

I want to feel like I am doing something right.

Consistency isn't really my thing

I originally started this by saying I was tired of giving, but I'm not sure I can say that. I realized for so long I've been in need. Of God and of others and of things. So I felt like I was tired of giving. And really its because I'm still in need. Sometimes I feel like I haven't received. This is not a good feeling.

I wish I wasn't deep and brooding. I wish I thought of little and had many unhad thoughts. I wish I was a wading pool instead of a lake. I wish I didn't want to say things that meant something. I wish there weren't layers. I wish I'd never hear phrases like, "that surprises me" or "I never would have guessed that" or "when I first met you I thought you were . . . ."

Today was pretty good. Church was . . . I'm not sure I can do this. I'm not sure I can play out these thoughts. I'm not sure I have the emotional energy. I want to go to bed. I want to wake up tomorrow and not remember anything of inner turmoil and toughness.

Church was interesting. I felt worship was a little off, which was disspointing because I knew we had new visitors. And I was sad for myself. I wanted so badly to draw near to God today. I've been grinding along on my own for a few days and I was hoping for a reconnect. I was hoping for some poignant words or a sweet call or preparation.

Aaron's message was good, it was on forgiveness as found in the story of Joseph.

I killed sometime and flirted with this cute girl at Kroger for a few minutes before I met with the team over at GodWhy. We threw some ideas around and talked about what had been done and then laid out tasks for this week. At first after the meeting I was a little nervous over something coming of it, which I'd love to see. But now I remember, its just God. God does what He wants. And if He wants to give me a job there (which I'd freaking love), He will. No ifs, no ands, no buts.

After young adults tonight we went to eat at Chilis. I was sitting with (amongst others) Dan and Alissa. And I every once in a while I'd think about Alissa's really good looking friend coming in to town and . . . . Its so stupid to even say anything.

The last few days have given rise to two new partitions of thinking. One is that I enjoy being single. I'd like it better with some other things in place. A job, some more active friendships. But I like not having to tell anyone where I'm going. Or include them. Or ask about anything. I just like doing my own thing.

And yet I don't like it. No one is there to listen when its hard. Or whisper in your ear the things you know but can't remember because things are so hard. Stupid crap like that.

Another thought, far less two-sided or optomistic, is that no one needs to be with me. Call it a combination of who I am, and what I do, and things I know I'll see . . . and I just don't want anyone to go through it. I don't want some woman so entwined in my life. It'll just be hard on her. Heather can say whatever she wants now, but when this all started, that was her real problem. And she's right.

Speaking of her, I happened to think of that letter today, of her saying we just weren't compatible. It must be nice to be able to see so clearly when things get hard. For most people, for me, they get grey. And you forget what you're supposed to know. But not her. Hard times came and suddenly she saw that she'd believed exactly the opposite of what was true. Must be nice.

It must be nice to find such a comfort. To say, "oh, it just wasn't right." And try as hard as I can I don't have the same comfort. I have to sit here and deal with reality. And the only comfort here is that those decisions and that behavior makes itself true. But if someone were asking me if I wanted to be set up with someone, I'd probably give them traits identical to Heather. Without intending to. This is not what I want.

What do I want?

See . . . consistency just isn't my thing.

Tonight during worship I twice had Heather suddenly pop into my mind, once vividly. And I am not a fan of that.

I'm to the point of not wanting to listen. I'll do anything to just get my heart wiped clean. God just give me something else. God move quickly.

As I sit here and right this I realize I don't agonize over these things during the day. Which has a few implications. One is that the blog sounds a little worse than how I really feel. I'm considerably more upbeat than I appear herein. Another is that I don't think I'm really doing much of anything. I've quit fighting. I'm still worshiping and ready to hear God. But I'm not actively doing anything. I don't fight any thoughts. I don't pray for her or a relationship. I do everything I can to let God take me somewhere else.

No crap God, make Amber go ga-ga for me. I could use it. And from what I can tell she's nothing like Heather.

See . . . how many different thoughts on one little narrow sliver of my life.

I am full of crap.

I think I have more to say. I think there are more to all these thoughts. I think I could elaborate and tie them together better. I can remember things I though today and wanted to share with you all. Thoughts about God, and my new friends. But I just want to go to bed and forget everything. Just for a little while.

I think I want to beat someone up in the morning.

Let us always praise the King. He is always good. He is always worthy. He is always with us. Always.

Returning The Smile You Have Had From The Start

A song by emery. I've been listening to them all the time. Part of it is because of the lyrics. They write about stuff that just . . . feels right. And part of it is because the music is shiny.

I should be in bed. I've been having trouble getting up on Sundays and I haven't slept well the last two nights, so I should be in bed, but here I am, devoted to you people. Because there's stuff that needs out, that will be lost. I feel like tomorrow could be an incredible day, so I have to be ready.

I realized that I never talked about my subject of yesterday's title. Yesterday on the drive home I was thinking about those things I thought I'd heard from God lately, and how they seemed very ambiguous, which means they'd either require some pretty weighty intervention at the time, or the tasks weren't that big. So I was wondering how long I was supposed to keep on those things. Am I not supposed to hesitate about anything until something happens (pretty sure I've already hesitated lots, just ask the cute girl from the pizza parlor). What if it was the conversation with Rachel on Tuesday, or going to Knoxville? What if it was something else and I missed it? No I can't do anything about it, but invites this bigger question . . . am I missing God in a bigger way? How could I? There's barely anything else in my life.

Tonight was great, I hung out with Jenna, Sarah, and Michael, hearkening back to some very old and very good times.

I'm fairly certain Jenna gets better looking every time I don't see her for a while, which is impressive considering the start. She looked amazing. And she's great. And I think we all know where that leads me.

Speaking of which, I may have . . . . So last night I prayed before I went to bed, and I had a dream in which I saw an indistinguishable female in a certain (though blurry) outfit, at a particular place, who said a particular phrase (or perhaps had it said around her). Anyhow, I think it could be a signal, so I know something. It could be nothing.

And that combined with this other thing today could me God is turning me loose. There could be another woman just beyond the horizon. The other thing? Just this feeling . . . this need for a new story. I almost went and bought a movie or a game or something, just because I need to encounter a new story. And I had books upstairs to read with new stories, but for some reason they held no draw. They always do. Why not now? I know. Its thin. But . . . I'm trying. I know, I remember what I heard, I'm just praying and reaching for something else.

I must die to myself.

I was restless a lot of today, but I didn't spend much concentrated time with God. No time for listening. I don't know why. No it wasn't the best idea, but . . . He can speak tomorrow. I think I'm frustrated with Him.

I must die to myself.

There's this song by Thrice called 'Lullaby':

"What are we all living for?
If nothing’s worth dying for tonight
Your dreams are not enough
What I need is love
That’s worth laying down my life"

It intermingles with this other song by them called "Moving Mountains" where this guy talks about how great he is spiritually, with no understanding of love.

And there's this part of me that . . . hates the idea, if its really true, that God has told me to fight for Heather. There's this part that screams she's not worth it. That she has no idea what love is. That . . . that there's lots of thoughts there, that are very murky.

And part of me, just questions God. Why do I need someone? I have love worth dying for in You. I have purpose, I have love, I have everything. Now don't hear me wrong, this desire isn't constant. Its not burning or overpowering. Its more like lurking. You can feel it sometimes, and sometimes you forget it completely. And some things make it rear up and try to swallow you whole. But I don't want any of it, her or someone else. And yet I do . . . that's the problem.

I must die to myself.

If only I knew how. I seek You . . . what else is there?

Did I miss something?

So its Friday night and I've already had a full weekend. Being able to leave at 2 on Thursday helped.

I've had a great two days. Met some cool people, had a blast just hanging out, and then running around doing chillin with other people while they did errands. I've got really great stuff coming. Nothing is particularly heavy on me . . . and yet . . . .

I'm sorry to say that the most outward and spontaneously romantic moment of my life was spent with Zane.

I drove up to Knoxville to go see a free Dave Barnes concert, which happened to be at a festival kind of thing (I freaking love those), with Zane. In case you don't know, Dave Barnes writes ridiculously good songs, and a number of ridiculously good love songs. And he loves Jesus.

So we're there watching, and right as he says they're getting ready to play the last song. And it starts raining, a slow start that kept building. So as it slowly starts raining harder nearly everyone hoofs it towards their cars, while Zane and I move up closer. So we end up fairly close to the stage and it turns out the last song was actually the second to last song. Because then he plays his, arguably, most famous song, "Until You" which if you've never heard, you should go listen to.

So there we are at this kickin little street festival, set in this killer, hip square, listening to Dave Barnes play an amazing love song, in the rain. And all around us all these couples are dancing, and/or kissing. Seriously.

I still don't know how I felt. I . . . did I want to dance with the beautiful girl behind me in the blue dress? Did I want to just be dancing with anyone? Did I want Heather here for this? Did I want to kiss her under that rain and break out dancing? I wanted to do it. But who with?

On the way up I was listening to music and thinking. My line of thought hit on this place of wondering what I really had with her. Deep down inside do I actually want her? Or just what I thought I had? There's no doubt what I ultimately want. I just want my wife, whoever she is. That moment can't ever be gotten back and shared with her. And the likelyhood of it EVER being recreated is somewhere between "statistically insignificant" and the odds of Satan winning in a fight against Jesus.

So she should have been there. But that started me back on that path. I've been wrong before. I know what it feels like. And I know what it felt like to be with Heather.

And this urge to date won't freaking go away. And yet with all the extremely good looking women I was around Thursday night . . . . Not only did I never feel moved to ask any of them to dance in that perfect moment, or before, or after . . . . Not only that but, and I hate saying this. No one compared. Even girls that I knew were objectively more attractive. I just didn't care.

But I want to. I'm screaming at God to move my heart. And really it just goes back. I don't just want anyone. I just want to go ahead and find my wife. But its not this constant comsumingness. Its not like I'm trying to replace God, or think what I have is not enough. But moments like that . . . they'll do that. Thinking you've got it, coming so close. It'll do that.

Then while driving to Jeff City to spend the night I see this billboard. "Fight on . . . the best is yet to be." And under that it advertised that the billboard was available for rent. It wasn't even a real billboard.

And me . . . I want my heart to go elsewhere, or just to go somewhere. Anywhere. And yet I know what I've been told. And then I feel these things, and I see those moments brimming with such potential just die. And its hard. I don't want to do this. I want to think I heard wrong and not have this feeling. I want to say it would be okay to go elsewhere. I want it to be okay.

What the heck is this?!

But today I kicked it with Zane and Bradley, just cruising around Jeff City and surrounding, hanging out and looking at apartments for them. And I just felt . . . like me. Just good. So there's the upswing.

I am a bloody mess.

Why am I burdened with anything but You? Why can't it just be You and me?

Excuse me sir, I think you dropped your blog

Due to a new blog reader I went back and started reading some of the older stuff, skimming March and April. And two thoughts have sprung to mind.

1) I feel kind of pathetic. Going back and reading all the little comments about devotion to Heather and loving her and everything. I don't feel that crap, and it sucks to go back and read it and want to call myself names and feel stupid. To feel embarassed for ever having wanted to marry her. And yet . . . I know its not up to me. I am not in control. If I get told to do, I do.

2) I feel like somebody else wrote it all. I go back and read it and . . . it seems well written. It seems intelligent and inciteful, it seems really spiritual and well devloped, it seems funny and dramatic and honest and gripping. And I feel like someone else wrote it. I don't write like that. I don't feel like that's what I've written at the end of a post.

So you love me . . . big freaking deal.

I had this line I was going to use from an Underoath song, but then I found out the line wasn't quite what it sounds like, which is okay because I realized I didn't even want to express that sentiment. Sha-da!!

Yesterday was a killer day. I woke up relatively early, after going to bed relatively late, and yet felt relatively good, so it was all rather exciting.

I went over to spar for a little bit. I'm still not in fighting shape, I'm off of where I should be, but I felt good, and I had a spotter who said I looked good. Arms were really fast blah blah. But my legs felt slow. Especially my right leg, I felt like I couldn't get it anywhere, especially if I was trying for a knee.

Then I got home and cut down another tree (oh heck yes), and then started doing some work on other stuff, mostly the out of control bushes that surround the house.

When I got out of the shower I went to call Dan and realized my arm was shaking. I'd done so much in the last few days that I was that burnt out. Nice.

Dan and I met up for coffee (actually tea for both of us) and spent about an hour and half just chilling, which was great. I was a little nervous going in, kind of worried about forcing the relationship instead of letting it grow more oganically, but I just really need that guy. I need a guy my age that I can go deep with and who can be in my life. Anyhow, the time was great and it flowed really easily. It turns out he and I have a lot of similarities, and yet plenty enough differences. Its weird because the similarities are different than I've ever had with any good friend, and the differences are more and are varied from what I've had in the past. What a convoluted little phrase there. Nasty writing. Awful.

I came home and tried to work on this new song that is going absolutely nowhere and then headed to Kairos with Rachel and Bonnie, (Nick was caught up with work).

Kairos was . . . Kairos. The worship was incredible and I just jammed my heart up to God, and it was unidivided. I was a smitten and faithful lover.

Mike's message was great, and was filled with the usual bevy of great and poignant quotes. It held particular sway for Rachel because it dealt with Heaven and what it will be like, and we'd been talking about that on the way down. Just good stuff.

So the crazy part for me?! In the middle of his message Mike started talking about having a place, and God's love for us. How there is never a time He has not, does not, and will not love us. He talked about how excited God will be to see us and how much worth we have in His eyes. Which was crazy because I'd been thinking about that just the night before. Then it gets crazier, because tonight at CAKE, the theme was "So what are you worth?" Talking about how the world and our families shape our image and how God sees us. Yeah. Crazy. So God is telling me He loves me.

Tonight I was talking with Zane about this whole, urge to date vs. the message of the fight. And then I was reading over the notes from Kairos and I have to quotes where Mike says "Revelation is written to people who feel like giving up." So what's the odds its a coincidence that's what he was teaching on when I started going there? Anyone? Then he said something about staying strong. That just frusterates me. I finally learned the name of the girl from GodWhy. Apparently she helps with their youth program and came in to retreive golf clubs and she was wearing a name badge, which was helpful. And . . . I'm frusterated. I know what I've been told. I don't know what I want. It doesn't even matter. I have to die to that. Even so last night I started praying. I started asking God if I could take interest in Alissa's friend, Amber, that is coming to visit, asking about all these different avenues. I didn't get anything. And even, even if I knew where to go, or if I could, I have these other thoughts. This GodWhy girl, would I like her at all if I spoke to her? How would I proceed, I'm at a weird stage in terms of approaching females. I'm pretty sure I'd be on about a 7 year approach at this rate. Might as well be working for Laban. But still . . . . I'm just not even sure of what to say here.

There was this great moment after Kairos. All three of us just sat there. I just . . . I didn't even have any specific thoughts, I just didn't want to leave God's presence.

So you know from the last post I went to spend time with God last night. What'd I hear?

"You will be before me." - Interesting, doesn't it usually go the other way?

"Come" Alright . . . where? "I will show you. You must be ready."

"I am the Lord of Lords."

Why am I always looking for more when God speaks to me right now?

I play this game sometimes with my Facebook status. I put up quotes from lyrics or movies, and there's always something to be found. Sometimes its just to see if anyone knows where its from. Sometimes its because I feel the next line, or the overall message of the song, and I like subtle clues. I've never told anyone about it, and yet I've had people figure it out and play. Fairly impressive.

God loves you. A lot. Don't ever forget it. And if you ever need reminded, just ask me.