Returning The Smile You Have Had From The Start

A song by emery. I've been listening to them all the time. Part of it is because of the lyrics. They write about stuff that just . . . feels right. And part of it is because the music is shiny.

I should be in bed. I've been having trouble getting up on Sundays and I haven't slept well the last two nights, so I should be in bed, but here I am, devoted to you people. Because there's stuff that needs out, that will be lost. I feel like tomorrow could be an incredible day, so I have to be ready.

I realized that I never talked about my subject of yesterday's title. Yesterday on the drive home I was thinking about those things I thought I'd heard from God lately, and how they seemed very ambiguous, which means they'd either require some pretty weighty intervention at the time, or the tasks weren't that big. So I was wondering how long I was supposed to keep on those things. Am I not supposed to hesitate about anything until something happens (pretty sure I've already hesitated lots, just ask the cute girl from the pizza parlor). What if it was the conversation with Rachel on Tuesday, or going to Knoxville? What if it was something else and I missed it? No I can't do anything about it, but invites this bigger question . . . am I missing God in a bigger way? How could I? There's barely anything else in my life.

Tonight was great, I hung out with Jenna, Sarah, and Michael, hearkening back to some very old and very good times.

I'm fairly certain Jenna gets better looking every time I don't see her for a while, which is impressive considering the start. She looked amazing. And she's great. And I think we all know where that leads me.

Speaking of which, I may have . . . . So last night I prayed before I went to bed, and I had a dream in which I saw an indistinguishable female in a certain (though blurry) outfit, at a particular place, who said a particular phrase (or perhaps had it said around her). Anyhow, I think it could be a signal, so I know something. It could be nothing.

And that combined with this other thing today could me God is turning me loose. There could be another woman just beyond the horizon. The other thing? Just this feeling . . . this need for a new story. I almost went and bought a movie or a game or something, just because I need to encounter a new story. And I had books upstairs to read with new stories, but for some reason they held no draw. They always do. Why not now? I know. Its thin. But . . . I'm trying. I know, I remember what I heard, I'm just praying and reaching for something else.

I must die to myself.

I was restless a lot of today, but I didn't spend much concentrated time with God. No time for listening. I don't know why. No it wasn't the best idea, but . . . He can speak tomorrow. I think I'm frustrated with Him.

I must die to myself.

There's this song by Thrice called 'Lullaby':

"What are we all living for?
If nothing’s worth dying for tonight
Your dreams are not enough
What I need is love
That’s worth laying down my life"

It intermingles with this other song by them called "Moving Mountains" where this guy talks about how great he is spiritually, with no understanding of love.

And there's this part of me that . . . hates the idea, if its really true, that God has told me to fight for Heather. There's this part that screams she's not worth it. That she has no idea what love is. That . . . that there's lots of thoughts there, that are very murky.

And part of me, just questions God. Why do I need someone? I have love worth dying for in You. I have purpose, I have love, I have everything. Now don't hear me wrong, this desire isn't constant. Its not burning or overpowering. Its more like lurking. You can feel it sometimes, and sometimes you forget it completely. And some things make it rear up and try to swallow you whole. But I don't want any of it, her or someone else. And yet I do . . . that's the problem.

I must die to myself.

If only I knew how. I seek You . . . what else is there?