Did I miss something?

So its Friday night and I've already had a full weekend. Being able to leave at 2 on Thursday helped.

I've had a great two days. Met some cool people, had a blast just hanging out, and then running around doing chillin with other people while they did errands. I've got really great stuff coming. Nothing is particularly heavy on me . . . and yet . . . .

I'm sorry to say that the most outward and spontaneously romantic moment of my life was spent with Zane.

I drove up to Knoxville to go see a free Dave Barnes concert, which happened to be at a festival kind of thing (I freaking love those), with Zane. In case you don't know, Dave Barnes writes ridiculously good songs, and a number of ridiculously good love songs. And he loves Jesus.

So we're there watching, and right as he says they're getting ready to play the last song. And it starts raining, a slow start that kept building. So as it slowly starts raining harder nearly everyone hoofs it towards their cars, while Zane and I move up closer. So we end up fairly close to the stage and it turns out the last song was actually the second to last song. Because then he plays his, arguably, most famous song, "Until You" which if you've never heard, you should go listen to.

So there we are at this kickin little street festival, set in this killer, hip square, listening to Dave Barnes play an amazing love song, in the rain. And all around us all these couples are dancing, and/or kissing. Seriously.

I still don't know how I felt. I . . . did I want to dance with the beautiful girl behind me in the blue dress? Did I want to just be dancing with anyone? Did I want Heather here for this? Did I want to kiss her under that rain and break out dancing? I wanted to do it. But who with?

On the way up I was listening to music and thinking. My line of thought hit on this place of wondering what I really had with her. Deep down inside do I actually want her? Or just what I thought I had? There's no doubt what I ultimately want. I just want my wife, whoever she is. That moment can't ever be gotten back and shared with her. And the likelyhood of it EVER being recreated is somewhere between "statistically insignificant" and the odds of Satan winning in a fight against Jesus.

So she should have been there. But that started me back on that path. I've been wrong before. I know what it feels like. And I know what it felt like to be with Heather.

And this urge to date won't freaking go away. And yet with all the extremely good looking women I was around Thursday night . . . . Not only did I never feel moved to ask any of them to dance in that perfect moment, or before, or after . . . . Not only that but, and I hate saying this. No one compared. Even girls that I knew were objectively more attractive. I just didn't care.

But I want to. I'm screaming at God to move my heart. And really it just goes back. I don't just want anyone. I just want to go ahead and find my wife. But its not this constant comsumingness. Its not like I'm trying to replace God, or think what I have is not enough. But moments like that . . . they'll do that. Thinking you've got it, coming so close. It'll do that.

Then while driving to Jeff City to spend the night I see this billboard. "Fight on . . . the best is yet to be." And under that it advertised that the billboard was available for rent. It wasn't even a real billboard.

And me . . . I want my heart to go elsewhere, or just to go somewhere. Anywhere. And yet I know what I've been told. And then I feel these things, and I see those moments brimming with such potential just die. And its hard. I don't want to do this. I want to think I heard wrong and not have this feeling. I want to say it would be okay to go elsewhere. I want it to be okay.

What the heck is this?!

But today I kicked it with Zane and Bradley, just cruising around Jeff City and surrounding, hanging out and looking at apartments for them. And I just felt . . . like me. Just good. So there's the upswing.

I am a bloody mess.

Why am I burdened with anything but You? Why can't it just be You and me?