a figure of bronze, dissolving into tears (part 2)

I grabbed my prayer journal:

"I am going to pray. And I'm going to read my Bible. And I'm going to worship. Because those are literally the last things I feel like doing."

So I did just that. I turned some heavy music up very loud and started reading the Letter. After a while I grab the pj and fill about a page talking about how abandoned I felt. Yet still I praised Him. Still I recognized how good He is. Then I heard Him calling me.

I got down on the floor and played the guided prayer time from Kairos the other night. I cried so hard, but I wanted to see Him. I wanted to see my Jesus, bearing my sins. To talk to Him and tell Him my heart. And to hear Him speak. So I did. And when Mike said, "What is He saying to you?"

And there in the nothing I heard Him.

"Seek me."

Oh my Jesus, I have questions.

"Ask"

Did I hear you right about Heather? Is she the one?

"She is"

Where do I look for a job?

"Look here"

Nashville?

"No, look here."

How long God? (To what, I'm not sure, both questions weighed on me.)

"I am coming soon."

Yet what followed was more doubt:

"Oh God, have I heard? Have I ever heard anything. I cannot see for fear of my own heart. Here I am, afraid You are telling me what I want to hear. And I doubt."

I listened to the song "Times" by Tenth Avenue North about 7 times in a row. Just crying and reaching out for my precious Jesus. Picturing Him there on the cross. So sorry for all I've done to put Him there. Then I slept.

The next morning was a disaster. I felt rotten when I got up, and my mom was in a foul mood (she took the day off work to clean up for her sisters who were bringing two friends to visit). Before 15 minutes had passed in my day I had written an entire page in my pj, two separate entries. And the day didn't get on much better.

As the day continued I thought about some of the scripture passages God had led me to. And I realized I was being punished. My heart had become black. My sin had become pervasive. And I wasn't living for Him. That's why everything was so wrong. That's not to say Heather was right, but that God used it as a part of something bigger.

I recalled this morning that I had prayed for it. I had prayed for God to do anything to change me and bring me closer. This is me held to the fire. "You will look like Me," He says.

I don't know when we got home, but I didn't want to do anything. I felt just as bad, if not worse than I had the day before, so again I worshiped. I spent from before 10:30 pm until after 2 am just singing along or listening to worship songs, and praying, and writing, and reading my Bible. It was such a wonderful time.

There were hard parts. I prayed asking God whether or not I should ever let my heart move on from Heather and I opened my Bible to the Sermon on the Mount, first section heading on the page, "Adultery." I wrote in my pj, "Its hard to trust You like this. Everything is truth and everything is lies, and everything is just nothing."

I read a lot of Job, even copying some of it into my pj.

"Naked I cam from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised."

I spent a lot of that night asking God to forgive me. I was led to many Psalms to that effect, and I read them aloud, crying from my heart.

I spent the last hour just in worship and prayer. It started with this entry in my pj:

"I don't feel like worshiping. My heart is broken. My stores are empty. My health threatens to fail. All You have given You have taken.
Still You are worthy. Still I praise."

So I did. And I loved every minute of it.

After I was done I caught Cannaan and Zane online. They both asked me how I was and I told them,

"The last two days have been miserable. Nothing has been right, outside or inside. And nothing has improved at all. But I am so joyful right now. I've spent at least half my waking time the last two days in worship and prayer, and I'm not sure I've ever been closer to Christ."

Cannaan asked me how I was handling everything with Heather and looking for a job. And then I said something I've been waiting a long time to hear.

"It sucks. I hate it. But I wouldn't change anything if it meant I'd lose where I am with Christ. I wouldn't trade this for anything."

This is me thankful for the storm.

And it continued today. I spent most of the day alone. In prayer, in worship. Listening to prayer times and sermons from Kairos. Listening to a playlist I compiled of very, very mellow and soft worship songs. Things for private, deep times. And I'm so joyful.

The last three days, I've learned so much about my relationship with Christ. So much about how to rely on Him. How to be in hard times. How to come to Him. How to spend free time even.

When everything sucks and you don't feel like worshiping. Do it, because that's when you need it most. That's when your relationship comes down to commitment and promise. You don't do it because you want to. You don't do it because its easy. Its hard as hell. But you do it because you said you would, no matter how bad it hurts. This is what you signed up for. Didn't anyone tell you about the cost of discipleship?

Tonight as I was spending my time in worship I grabbed my Bible to read it. When I looked down it was at Song of Songs 5. I didn't even acknowledge it. I just flipped for a new place to read. I don't make anything of it. I won't unless one day she contacts me. Except . . . there's one thing that haunts me. While I've been doing this I've been looking forward, knowing I have to learn how to live like this. How to hold on in the toughest of times.

I've been thinking of how I would act when I got upset when I was with Heather. I wasn't upset with her, but sometimes she'd feel that way. But all this . . . . I've seen part of the man I really am. That when things are at their worst I don't need to get upset. I don't need to push her out and be fussy. I need to grab her and say, "Things suck. Let's worship." And turn down the lights, and put on some music and hold hands and bow down on our knees before the Lord.

And I try to picture that scenario with anyone else. From this girl I saw at Kairos the other night, to a faceless substitution of the unknown future Mrs. Frank. Trying anything. And without her. Without Heather kneeling beside me. Her little hand in mine. Her soft sweet voice singing quietly. There is no picture. Nothing forms. It just dissolves. And maybe its just that I can't picture it now in the wake of my broken heart. But its depressing. And honestly I hope its real. I don't want to be so naked before anyone else.

My thirst grows daily. I desire the Lord worse than the deer pants for water.

Hear and trust. No matter what. God is good.

In Revelation, as all hell breaks loose on earth, worship continues in heaven. And the faithful left alive on earth remain so. And as the God-less cower and ask for the rocks to hide them from the wrath of the Lamb, those with the seal of God come out to worship. Can we be so? Are we prepared to worship as the world crumbles? As the very foundations shake with earthquakes, and war and famine and disease spread? What about when we are given to defeat by the dragon? Will we be able to stand and worship?

If not we need to get ready. God is good. He is worthy. And He never, ever changes.

a figure of bronze, dissolving into tears (part 1)

I don't want to be writing. I'm not sure I want to be doing anything. But if I don't write a post now, I'm not sure I ever would again. ::insert hefty sigh::



Anyone know where the title comes from? Its a quote from J. Oswald Sanders in regards to the prophet Jeremiah. Why is this relevant? I'll get to it later.



So why don't I feel like writing? Why haven't I written in 4 days? I'm not totally sure. Some of it is that I didn't feel like I had much to say. I was swimming in the same old thoughts I've shared every time. And wondering why I'm back among the same old weeds.



What I can say for sure is where it started. Wednesday was an interesting day. Didn't end up meeting with Aaron because he needed more time to prepare for church that night. Also didn't talk with Jennifer more than a few minutes because it turns out I didn't know what I was in for at GodWhy that night. It was "Get Plugged In" night, which means every ministry in the church set up a booth in the main space to let people see what they do and give them a chance to get involved. Holy crap. It was a freaking party. There were a ton of people there and free food and general craziness. The CAKE (young adults) group in the back was hanging out dancing and joking and playing Mario Kart. I got hit on . . . 3 times . . . which was . . . whatever.



One great part was when I walked in a guy named Adam was sitting at a table by himself. Last time at group was when Jennifer did the "fire for purity" thing. The night closed with Adam sharing a story about this church he worked at and what happened as to why he is there no longer. Its always crazy to meet people who have been exactly where you have.



I didn't get a chance to talk to Adam that night so when I saw him at the table I sat down and shared with him my own experience regarding the church in South Carolina. We spent a few minutes talking about the similarities and how we dealt with it and what we gained as a result. And then we went our separate ways. It was good.



Humorous awkward moment. We had to all sit down at one point while the pastor of GodWhy got up and talked, and there were so many young adults with so few seats we were all kind of packed in. So this woman walks in and sits down and knows the girl I'm sitting next to. And due to our proximity, asks if I'm the "boyfriend of the week." Then she turns to me and says something about not worrying, that Jamie will dump me in a week. "I kind of doubt that," I responded, smiling awkwardly. I chalked it up to general awkward weirdness. But the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. This woman should never have said anything close to what she did. Not only did it make a glaring and uncomfortable assumption, I can't imagine how hurtful it was to Jamie. Now if she's a seeker at that church, my comments are reserved and withdrawn, but if that woman knows Jesus . . . . So I had to ask, do I ever do things like that? Do you?


I've been thinking a lot about my sins and the mistakes I make. About what kind of man I really am. About how I treated Heather. There's been lots of introspection the last few days.



As I was getting ready to leave GodWhy, Rachel called me and said everyone from CIL was going to get ice cream and then to Brittany's aparment to hang out. I quickly said goodbye and left to meet up with everyone. I'll skip over most things except to say a dilmma was actually doubly solved. Not only did I have the weekend of Zane's party wrong, Bonnie was going out of town, so no ballet. I thought of seeing if someone else wanted to go with me, but I couldn't really imagine who so I skipped it. I thought maybe I'd go shoot guns to make up for it.



Jonathan was a Brittany's, which I liked because I like him and its good to get to know him better. But at one point he turns around and starts asking me questions. "What's the hardest part?" he asked. I told him it was feeling like God was still saying Heather was it. And then he said it. "yeah, I felt that way too."



This is blistering pessimism.



I had fun that night, we all talked and laughed. I really did enjoy myself. But I've been acting different ever since that moment. Rachel even noticed and asked me about it the next day. And its affecting everything. I have no resolve in what I feel God has said in that area of my life. I've taken to praying for something that isn't of my own mind. Something that stands outside the influence of my desires. Then today I realized something terrible. There is no such thing. Everything God could say in the affirmative would be subject to the doubt of it lining up with my desires, and thereby being nothing more than a product of them.



Its affected how I act too. Kolby and Nick and I went to play frisbee golf on Thursday. On hole 5 I had an absolutely incredible shot. Made the basket from a rediculous distance. I didn't celebrate. At all. I didn't even smile. I commented on it. "Is it weird that I'm not excited at all?" What's worse, is that I kind of liked it. Being so deadpan. Something about that appeals to me. An unflappable appearence. The cold objectivity of knowing the shot was just luck. Striking delivery of jokes with no hint of cracking a smile. Is this a new me?



And it ties into not writing in the blog. It ties in to never wanting to get close to remotely liking another girl if I am to move on. It ties in to wanting Heather to call me just so I can ask her to leave me alone. Something in my heart desires that closed off-ness. Something I refer to as the Unclimable Mountain. Its sick. I hate it that I like the idea of this girl I know from around here liking me, that I would not date, even if I weren't still in love with someone else. Not that I do anything to encourage it (or do I?). But . . . yeah. This is part of the darkness of my heart. I want to be dreamt of being known. With no result.



Not entirely though. I finished that because its somewhere I was, but as I write it I'm aware of another thought. I want Heather to know. I want her to see me and know me as she once did. I want her to desire that depth, that intimacy of spirit, and to receive it. The idea of letting anyone else see my heart the same way makes me sick. What a mess.



Yet my distrust grew. Wednesday I was in turmiol. I spent a massive amount of time with the Lord when I got home. Hours. Three times I asked Him about Heather again. Three times He gave me verses that seemed to say, "yup, still haven't change my mind, don't plan on it either." (John 9:35- Ch 11, Isaiah 49:5-8, and the intro of Jeremiah). So I prayed, "if this is so, do something else to confirm it. Help me overcome my unbelief." Which is a quote from Mark 9. Then I go to read more in my Bible. And I open it to Mark 9. 3 times in a row. And what I wrote in my prayer journal, was not elation, but depression. Things were only worse now. So I stay up very late reading. Sometimes reading passages, sometimes seeing where He led me. And at one point when I was thinking back over everything He led me to the parable of the Ten Minas, which is a passage He used to tell me to pursue Heather in the beginning. I won't quote what I wrote in my prayer journal, but it was not happy, and it was not clean.



I'm not sure how late I stayed up, or what scripture I read right before I went to bed, but this is the way my prayer journal ended that night:



"Please hear me.

Forgive me Father, I have sinned against You.

Restore me, Father.

Please."



That night I had a dream. In it Heather and I were reunited.

I woke up feeling terrible. My body ached, my mind was lost in terrible thoughts. I wrote in my prayer journal. I prayed. But I refused to open my Bible until almost 5 pm. I kept praying and writing in the journal all day. Two pages of how I felt. And how the way I felt had not changed, despite prayer.

I was alone that night. Mom was at work. Brian was at work. Rusty was at work. I milled around for a while, feeling pretty miserable and lonely. Finally I'd had enough.

I decided to worship.

So full its empty.

Why do I feel the way I do right now?


Great freaking question.

I had a terrific day. I made progress on some stuff. I talked to a number of people. I spent time with God. I did some stuff for my mom which she really appreciated. And God moved in some amazing ways. I can't figure it out.


I felt the same way this morning as I have the last 3 or 4 mornings, which was waking up with what felt like a factual assurance of Heather contacting me to reconcile (not that day, but as an eventuality). Its tough to describe any differently. But just like everything else having to do with that I've been pushing it out of my mind.


So then some stuff happens and I find myself living under a cloud. My mind is pushed towards sinful thoughts. My heart is kind of ugly. So I decide to live out of it. I cleaned the kitchen for my mom and emailed some people I needed to get in touch with. And God turns around and blesses me. I get an email from Joy that has some great stuff in it. Some just catching up, and some stuff speaking to my heart. I mean right to it. Speaking to exactly where I had been. Feeling kind of sinful and tempted. And Joy sends me this quote from the Gospel Primer:


"I should expect everyday to encounter circumstantial evidence of God's commitment to my dying. And I must seize upon every God given opportunity to be conformed more fully to Christ's death no matter the pain involved.

When my flesh yearns for some prohibited thing, I must die. When called to do something I don't want to do, I must die. When I wish to be selfish and serve no one, I must die. When shattered by hardships that I despise, I must die. When wanting to cling to wrongs done to me, I must die. When enticed by allurements of the world, I must die. When wishing to keep besetting sins secret, I must die. When wants that are borderline needs are unmet, I must die. When dreams that are unmet seem shoved aside, I must die."



So . . . yeah. I can't begin to say how thankful I was. And a little surprised. Getting things at moments of struggle. God just keeps doing stuff.


Nick and Rachel and I went back down to Kairos tonight. They were doing a reversed service tonight, because of the subject matter. Which I found extremely interesting. Mostly because God told me what it was going to be. I went with my brother earlier to run a few errands and while we were driving I could feel God speaking in me. He told me that Mike's talk that night would be about sin. And about coming out from under it.

So I don't think much of it until we get off the interstate, at which point I come back to it and dismiss it as just where my thoughts had been. Pretty much the mintue we sit down Mike starts in. And it quickly becomes apparent that nothing in my life right now is happenstance. Everything is connected. Everything is God working. Everything is crazy. Everything is calm.

The first . . . the very first thing Mike does is talk about "little guy," who is heading down the road of destruction, missing all the stop signs. Really?

The readings are from Revelation 8 & 9, which I was actually reading just a few nights ago. I know, but I'm not even phased anymore. So Mike talks about how Jesus unleashes all theses horrific things upon the earth, and how at every place He gives people time and opportunity to repent. And they don't. By this time everyone has made their choice. But our choices are now. Our roads are now. And the time for repentence is at hand.

So you may have picked up on it, but when I noticed that Mike was talking on exactly what I knew he would, I wasn't amazed. I didn't feel anything. Which is kind of crummy, because I should have. And I'm not sure I get it. I mean, when it was over, during the quiet prayer time I thought of all those things that need to die. Of all those sins I need to give up. I thought of how neatly the package was delivered to me, and how important it was. Of how I should be awestruck and feel my heart ripped at for repentence. And I just didn't.

Its not all bad. When we started singing I did kind of get a handle on what I was feeling. It was grace. I just felt . . . God saying that it was okay. That if I just said it, He'd deal with it and everything would be fine. And I believe it.

What's crazy is what I don't believe. While I was sitting there talking and listening to God during prayer time He spoke to me. In a combination of an image and some thoughts. He pretty much said, hey, Heather is going to contact you, here's how you're going to feel, here's how you're going to act. To make matters worse, when I get home I come awash in the idea that Heather would be contacting me soon, like perhaps tomorrow. And there's stuff that ties into my prayer and reading time after I got home.

I get home from Kairos and I pray a little and then go to open the Word to hear from big daddy G. Where do I open to? Jeremiah 32:26-33. So I start reading, without realizing where I am, until I see the next section heading. Its Jeremiah 33, "the promise of restoration". Really?

See, the night before I met Heather I was praying to God and then I opened my Bible to Jeremiah 33. The promise of restoration.

And then, when I'm praying to God about the idea of pursuing Heather, while at Lake Champion, among other verses, again, Jeremiah 33.

And the day after she broke up with me, when I went to do a reading. Jeremiah 33.

And I just remembered that often when I write in my prayer journal about this I speak of God "restoring" my "inheritance" as He called it. Crap. I want to curse and I'm not ever sure why. Am I angry? Am I rebellious? Am I amazed? Am I anything?


So I ignore it, like I'm doing with everything regarding her right now, and I go to read something else. I'm flipping through pages when God says "stop." So I do and I'm reading Luke 8. Which is funny because the other night when I was asking God about the idea of this service He lead me to the same place. So I read on a little bit. And next is the story where Jesus calms the storm. And shortly into 9 is where Jesus tells the disciples anyone who wants to follow Him has to deny themselves and daily take up their cross. And next is the transfiguration, which Emily and I were talking about yesterday. And then is where Jesus heals the boy, where in the Mark parallel the father asks to have his unbelief overcome. Is anybody seeing it yet? EVERYTHING in my life is tying together.

And as I wrote that, I was noticing just how much of everything that ties together in one place. And the craziest part. On the way home tonight I was going back over things and I was wondering why I was so out of sorts when we were in the car and hanging out at Fido. And I heard God say it. "I'm preparing you." Which is something Emily talked about with me yesterday. So . . . everything.

Another piece of what came from tonight was something Mike said, about taking responsibility. And I do. Heather said some things and attributed some things to me that are not true. And handled things in a way I find to be not the best. But ultimately what happened is my fault. I led the choices that put me in a vulnerable place spiritually. And that, really, is where things came from. Everything else is just consequence.

But it can't just be forgotten, because now it has become something real, so God still has to deal with it. And right now I still feel helpless.

Sometimes I think of doing something that ensures Heather and I can't get back together. And I wondered at why. Its because I want control over my situation. But really all it would give me is the illussion of control. And heartache. And more waiting. This is crap.

I was also thinking of why I didn' want her reading the blog and I think I nailed it down. I think its because it kind of feels like cheating. For her to have a way of "contacting" me and figuring out about my heart without risking anything or offering the same thing in return. But oh well. God wants me doing this. I like it. People are getting things out of it. And I am not afraid.

What I am is doubtful. Despite everything God has done, I still have these places in my mind and heart that say, "No, that's just you not letting go. That's just fool's hope. Move on. You can't have heard right." Am I really so unbelieving?

Anyhow, I have a meeting with Aaron and Nick tomorrow about Bangladesh and the worship service. And then tomorrow night Jennifer and I are going to set up a meeting so she can get to know me a little more, and to see about getting plugged in. Craziness.

When I started this post I was caught up in how everything, all this amazing stuff happened, and has been happening, and I gave it the title I did because I didn't really feel that much as a result. Amazingness is swimming all around me, I'm being blessed like crazy, and I just didn't really . . . feel anything. And I still had doubts, and fears, and was trying to ignore Him.

But as I went back over everything, writing it out, I got here to the end and realized I feel great. I realized I can see God. I realized He's done all this stuff. And whatever comes He is good and faithful and in control.

But I have to deny myself, and pick up my cross daily.


"Father, my heart is ready."

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

I'm writing this post in a really weird mood.  I think most of it has to do with something Emily said earlier.  She was telling me to hold onto this blog, no matter what, because it'll be great to come back and look at.  And then she said it.  "And someday Heather will need to read all this, or maybe she already is."  And there I got weirded out.  Holy crap.  What if she's reading this?  I don't think I want her reading this, even the stuff that's written to her.  But why?  I think its because I don't want her to be with me in that way.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not angry.  I'm not bitter.  I have a sweeping,  magnificent, Christ-led love ready at a moments noticed.  But its in waiting right now.  Its controlled and restrained, for my sake.

Maybe its because I don't want anyone to.  I really like it that no one I'm spending time with in person reads this thing.  I feel like this undiscovered world.  Its stupid.  Its not where my heart really is.  I wrote something in my prayer journal about the same idea almost a year ago.  Whatever.  The point is, now I'm paranoid about what I write.  Not enough to change it, but I feel weird now.

So here's a humorous story everyone should appreciate.  Last night after I wrote I went upstairs and spent just a few minutes reading and praying.  I smelled like campfire (hooray) and turkey dogs (a little gross).  I started thinking on everything God had done and said that day and then I prayed a prayer.  One that as I was saying it I realized how funny it was.  I prayed, "God, it seems you've said pretty clearly Your plan is reconciliation, and I'm okay with that.  But if you could make sure its not this week, because I'm gonna be really busy, that would be great."  If that bites me in the butt . . . I don't know what I'm going to do.

One of the really great things that may slip by in all that is something I just realized yesterday.  I was talking to my friend Dave and he asked me a question.  I realized as I answered just how much God seems to have put on my plate right now.  I need to be doing more with Him.  I need to be working on getting to Bangladesh and at least the one other country.  I need to be working on Mexico.  I need to be stepping back into Young Life.  And apparently God wants me to set up a young adults targeted worship service to serve the north side of Nashville.  And He's gonna help me get a job.  So . . . yeah.

Well crazy upon crazies, I thought I'd have plenty of time on the worship service project.  Then I get word that my pastor from CIL and the young adult person from my Wednesday night group want to get together this week.  Turns out somebody told Aaron about the idea (and Bangladesh), and Jennifer contacted me about finding ways to get involved over there.  I feel like I say this word all the time now, but . . . really?

Which brings to mind another thing Emily and I talked about tonight.  (Which, btw I'm angry Facebook deleted the convo because I was going to save it).  She was telling me these lyrics to this song that had made her think of me.  And I won't go into detail, but its was just crazy how the song reiterated a point of noticed.  Everything that happens has a corollary somewhere in my life.  Every message gets echoed.  Even things like, tonight I found out Emily goes to BSF, and the only other time I've ever heard of that in my life, is because Heather's mom is a leader for it.  Things like talking with Allisa last night and hearing her say things I've been thinking about our small group.  Things like last Sunday.  Things like . . . things like hearing the same message at three different church services and reading a Bible passage that tied them all together.  Things like Joy sending me a Bible passage I was led to the night before, and the day after.  Crazy, crazy, crazy things.

Okay . . . today started out as kind of a crappy day.  I woke up late, I did nothing I was supposed to, with lots to do.  I felt beset all day, just having these thoughts I didn't want to be having.  Wanting and missing Heather.  Focusing on problems with money.  Temptation to sin.  Lots of loneliness and unChristlike focus.  So I hit this point, I'm thinking, I just don't want to feel this way, it sucks.  So I go to spend time with God.  And I spend about 45 minutes just praying, and reading the Letter, and listening to music.  And trying to hear Him speak about a few things.  Mostly about the tasks I think He has giving me, just double checking them.  And at the end I felt so good.  I was just great.  And then God blessed me.  I got on the computer and got caught up in like, 5 different great conversations with people that mean a lot to me.  Score one for team Jesus.

But my time with Him wasn't all roses and happiness.  It started out kind of . . . frusterating.  I wrote about a half page in my prayer journal, talking about the various feelings of the day, ending it with these lines, "Please God, don't let me think about her anymore.  Don't make me.  Please Lord, erase her.  Erase these thoughts."

Then I go to the Word.  Not asking anything specific, just wanting to read.  To be loved.  But I can feel it coming.  He's going to respond anyways.  So I close my eyes and run my fingers over the pages until I feel the pull, where He wants me to open.  So I do.  And I open my eyes.

Song of Songs.  Chapter 8.  v.6-7.

Yeah.

I grabbed my prayer journal.

"Really?  I say that and You lead me there.  Again.  No way.  Freaking stop it!"

So I'm kind of in that place.  Of somewhere inside knowing there is no way I can really be screwing up His signals that badly, and yet still wanting to deny.  I had a dream last night.  A dream along the same lines.  It was long and had many elements.  But I remember the end.  I was holding Heather and we were dancing and I was crying.  But I told myself I wasn't going to transcribe it, because it wasn't important.  It was just a subjective dream.  Just my desires and memories of the day.

This is madness.

Somehow I managed to double-book myself for this weekend.  I made plans to go to Knoxville for Zane's b-day.  And to go see the ballet at the Palace with Bonnie.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do to resolve it.  But it did give rise to another thought.

I've been turning over and over in my mind how God has put me together.  And I think I can say this without a hint of pride:  I am an extremely unique guy.

I am equally excited about the possibility of going camping and going to the ballet.  I'd feel just as pleased going to (or participating) in an MMA fight as going to an art gallery or play.  I enjoy kayaking, and can cook pretty delicious high brow meals.  I read classic literature and like it as much as fart jokes and smashing stuff.  I know how many people I can take on in a fight and took 1 month to learn how to play the guitar well enough to write a song to propose to a woman at a world famous music hall.  I don't think I'm normal.  And there's more stuff I'm sure I, or even better someone else could point out.

The point is . . . well I'm not totally sure but . . . I think its this.  I started praying sometime last week, that God would gift me for singlehood.  And I don't hink He's listening.  He designed me to be a terrific mate.  But being so requires a very special kind of woman.  I've tried, as hard as I can, and I just can't imagine some woman other than Heather truly appreciating what I am.  I feel like going back and deleting all that.  I feel like it sounds boasting and desperate and stupid.  But I won't.

I won't because there's been this other thing going on.  Where God has been reshaping little areas of my heart.  Recasting them to get rid of things that were previously there.  And in every place I recognize it.  Every new awareness.  Every change.  They all seem to be things that make me better suited for Heather.  Some are too personal to share.  And all of it is too etherel to make real to someone else.  But . . . its there.  I can feel it.

And right now its kind of annoying.

Closing thoughts:

I was talking to Joy tonight and she asked me what God taught me today.  And I had to think about it for a minute.  But then I remembered this moment, right at the beginning of that time I spent with God tonight.

I was thinking of the loneliness I was feeling.  And God just all of sudden dropped a load of change on my heart.  I didn't want people reaching out to me.  I wanted to be reaching out to other people.  I thought of how many of my friends were leading club at that very moment.  And all I wanted to do was commit to calling every single one, every Tuesday from here to eternity and saying, "How was it?"

I felt led to immediately call Jill and speak to her about some things that were going on, and some just funny nothingness no one else would understand.

I wanted to call Sam and see how his talk went.

But a sore spot too.  I called Glenn.  And he didn't answer.  I haven't spoken to him in almost as long as Heather.  I keep calling.  I keep messaging him.  I keep reaching out because I love him and I want a strong brotherhood there.  But I don't know what's up.  Glenn I'd love to talk to you man.  I miss you like crazy.

God has big plans for you.  And they don't start in 5 years.  They don't start in a few months.  They started way before you were born.  and yet they start right now.  What are you doing?  How are you improving?  How are you growing?  How are you seeking?  How are you obeying?

God's plan for you is going on right now.  Are you participating?

Take that, death. (part 2)

And yet there is more to say.

When I think about it . . . I still am prone to deny what God has said. I still want to dismiss it and be afraid of having my heart broken again. Yet . . . can I . . . even now?

I was thinking of Thomas today. Of how disillusioned he must have been when Christ died. Of how he doubted so much he wanted to touch the wounds of the resurrected Christ. And I realized God is not mad at me. I have doubted, so much, so often, and He says, "Hey . . . I understand why, touch my wounds and see I am real."

I have become aware of something else as well. I tend to get pretty down about how small and weak I think my faith is. About how much bigger and stronger I wish it was. And the last few days I've been talking to a few people, and I've realized just how much better off I am than I thought. I know God speaks, and I know how to hear Him. I believe He can do anything. I believe if I can hear His call, I can throw myself at it without fear (though I still have fear in the hearing). God just builds me up, because He rocks.

This morning at worship I had an incredible moment. I was worshiping, and I noticed everyone tends to go up. They lift their hands, they raise their eyes/heads. And I wasn't doing it. I mean at times I was, but mostly my inclination of being lost in that expression was to clench my arms. To get on my knees and bow down. To place my arms over my head. And I wondered why and then I heard it. "You are a warrior. My warrior." And there it was. God just rings my ears.

What makes that even more incredible is how much that idea has been on my heart lately. Every morning for the past 4 days or so I've woken up feeling this desire to . . . fight, to destroy.

I've also been hearing lyrics lately, to songs I've heard 100 times before. And one is by this great band called Destroy the Runner. And I just heard this line yesterday: "Take my hands and turn them into weapons. Change my plans, and make them into yours. Take this man, and turn his sight from demons. All I am is wanting You more."

God is . . .

God just is!

Okay, so all of this must seem very disconnected and crazy. I'm just hyped up on God and Him being awesome and speaking and . . . just . . . yeah.

I will leave all you my dear friends with this:

We fall on our faces and say we are not worthy. But that is not true, it just used to be. The sacrifice of blood is not to cover us up. It is not to make us look like we are worthy. It is not to exploit a loophole that gives us access to life with God despite not being worthy. The blood of Christ washes us. God used the sinless Lamb to reconcile us to Himself. Washing away and forgetting our transgressions.

We are princes and princesses of the King of kings. The ruler of all. The conqueror of the world. The conqueror of death.

We have become the righteousness of God.

Take that, death.

Take that, death. (part 1)

Easter. What a freaking day.

I talked to B-Tran earlier today. He asked me how my week was, and I said great. He asked me what my favorite part was . . . and I couldn't pick between 3 different days. Things are so good. God is so good.

I am not sure I can write this post. Too much to say. Too much joy. Today was not the best day I've ever had, but it was way up there. Also, I keep telling myself I'm not going to mention Heather in my post, and I fail, but this time I didn't have a chance.

Today's awesomeness really started last night. I was being tempted to feel bad. To feel lonely, and empty, and hopeless, and covered in sin. But I didn't give in. I just fought and prayed. Flipping sweet.

So all day I'd been praying God to just take Heather off my heart. I found myself thinking about her a lot. And I really didn't want to, so I just kept praying for God to change that. There are multiple entries in my prayer journal with different iterations of, "God, take her away from my brain and my heart, I'm having trouble." Well, I kept praying it because He wasn't doing it.

So last night, I went to Him. I did something I do all the time to hear Him, praying to be spoken to about something and then opening the Bible wherever He leads me. So I do that. I open it with my prayer journal:

"I don't know what to pray. I feel everything and I feel nothing. Please God, be with me. You have spoken, I have not heard. I have not listened. Ring my ears."

Now I was ready for anything, my heart was leaning towards nothing, just wanting to hear. Just knowing He's been speaking and wanting to know what it was.
My first prayer was, "God is Heather still the one?" Which is really kind of a crappy question, the reality of that question is just "is she the one?", no "still."

So I open my Bible and its the beginning of Titus. Yeah, one of the earliest parts is that elders must be the husband of but one wife, but I don't think much of it. Whatever.

My second prayer was, "Should I try to contact her?" And God led me again to the start of Titus. Same page. So I find that interesting, but no real message in it.

So I pray my third prayer. "God, should I be moving on? Should my heart be preparing for another woman?" I open my Bible and its the pretext notes for Galatians. The specific words I'm looking at are a section heading declaring "Don't give in!" Um . . . okay. Are . . . am I reading this right? So I read a little of Galatians and at the beginning of chapter 2 Paul mentions Titus. Well I've seen that name already tonight . . . things are getting a little beyond coincidence.

I decide it might be a good idea to go back and recheck what I had gotten before. So I go back to the first question. "God is Heather still the one?" I open my Bible and its at 2 Thessalonians. The section heading: "Stand Firm" You have got to be kidding me.

I leave my questioning of God at that and go back to read Galatians. In chapter 3 Paul talks about the curse of being hung on a tree, which I find interesting because of a discussion of the importance of crucifixion that took place on Wednesday night. So I look up the verse, Deuteronomy 21:23. The last sentence says, "You must not desecrate the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance." And there's that word again. Which normally I wouldn't be prone to take out of context, but everything, and I mean everything is tying together here.

But still I keep a cool head. I am a little scared, I'm trying to not let my desires rule how I interpret these things. I write in my pj:

"Father if these things are true, confirm them in my dreams and/or events tomorrow."

The night passes without dreams and I get up early and head off to church excited to worship and have a great Easter. Worship was amazing. I was so happy and in love with my savior. I was gone in praise and lost in worship and it was wonderful. Then Aaron gets up to speak, and he was great as well.

Thing is, Aaron didn't preach a traditional Easter sermon. The title of today's message, "The Resurrection is telling you . . ." and in it he gave 3 bullet points to complete that sentence. The first was "Its not over." The second was Jesus saying, "I am always in control." And the third, "I will make it better."

Okay . . . I'm . . . I'm a little weirded out now. And it gets worse. Much worse.

After a few various activities during the day I find myself sitting around at about 5:30-6, waiting to leave for the Young Adults bonfire and ice cream party over at dJoy's. I decide to check my email and find I have two Facebook messages from Emily. I like correspondence, and I have a few minutes so I check it.

The first one says she was writing because she thought of me this morning, and talks about waiting on the Lord, and she sign's it with "Don't lose heart."

The second one gets even crazier. Emily sent the first before catching up on the blog and after doing so she had more to say. "When you're reunited, the old Zach will be gone and the old Heather will be gone; remember this is about redemption, making ALL things new." Yeah. I know. Two messages, unprompted, that speak of standing firm and in believing in reconciliation, one of which references the same concept from the sermon this morning.

And still I remain skeptical. I say, "Well . . . maybe your own desires are changing your view, just put it out of your mind."

So I head over to the CIL Young Adult party and have an absolutely amazing time. I laughed so hard and felt so much a part of the group. I was so freaking happy being there. Oh my gosh!

Eventually I come home. I'm thinking a little of what I'm going to put in the blog, and I'm reflecting over all the stuff that seems it could be God speaking in the last day. I was formulating writing on here about whether it was wrong to hear all that had happend thus far and still not believe. I was wondering if God would be upset. You get the idea.

I decide to spend a little time with God. I write in the pj a little, just general praise and thanks to God. Then I crack the Bible, asking nothing of God but to spend time with Him. To get some love and get filled up and get to know Him better. I open the Bible to Mark 9:14-29. In the passage Jesus heals a young boy possesed by a spirit. The verse that stopped me in my tracks was 24. "Immediately the boy's father exlaimed, 'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.'" I think God is trying to see how many times He can blow my mind in a 24 hr period. I read it over and over and over. All I can think is, "That's not what I was looking for. I just wanted to spend time with You." But there it is. An answer to the questions I wasn't even asking.

But still I dismiss it.

I ask God about something else, about something I believe He has asked me to do. I open the Bible to hear Him speak. Song of Solomon, 8:6-7. "Place me like a seal over you heart . . ."

Um . . . my first Wednesday night small group that was the text. Emily sent it to me about a week ago. This cannot be real. This is not what I was looking for. And yet here it is.

It seems God is trying to remove every shred of doubt. He wants me aware of His plans regarding Heather. Well okay . . . You've gotten my attention. Now what?!

Fire and water, wind and waves

Prudence would dictate that I go to bed and leave writing this for tomorrow when I have some free time. But I need to get the thoughts out tonight, before my perspective changes. Perspective, as we have learned, is a very dangerous thing.

What a day, I feel like there's just a magnitude of thoughts and feelings that have been going on and I'm not even sure where to begin, much less how to get it all out. And I still have more academic things I want to write on. Oh I am awash. Do you ever wish you were dummer? I do.

I was back on the game today. Right when I woke up I cracked the prayer journal.

"Oh God, come and be the Lord of my life. Reign over me.
Let no thought, no move, no word, and no breath be made without You."

I listened to so much music today. I finally cracked Underoath out again, for the first time in a few days. I've been addicted to Anorexia/Nervosa as of late. I've noticed since Heather left me how terribly little I listened to my music when I was with her. I just didn't have occasion to. Didn't drive much, and when I did I tried to listen to stuff she'd like (yeah, I know, its funny how that worked out huh?). And when I was hanging out I let her use the mp3 player so she would have music. And then I just didn't really have a system for listening to it when I did have it, or we were hanging out. As a result I had all this new music that I had gotten that I hadn't listen to. Either from September, October, or December. And I've been listening to it all.

I realized something recently, although I'm not exactly sure when. Everything Heather said on the last day we spoke, I could have said the same things. I felt every one of those things, for myself, but I knew they weren't her fault, well, one kinda was. But its just kinda crazy, how all those things were true for me and we just handled it very differently. I gave up certain friendships because we mutually decided to hedge in our relationship against temptation and jealousy (preemptively, not because of problems). I wasn't listening to my music. I wasn't doing things that make me feel alive and that sit strongly in my heart. She had problems with my mom. And those are all correlatives to the things she said. And the only one that was remotely her fault was not being able to forgive my mom. Well . . . whatever right?

Okay, so . . . right, back on track. I was listening to all this old new music. A new Before Their Eyes cd, a new War of Ages CD, a band called Sever Your Ties. So on and so on. In the meantime I finally got my room all tidied up. Kind of. There are places where things are not quite as organized as I'd like, but an outsider would find it well squared. I even brought in my brother's super nice lawn chair for a place to sit and read.

Speaking of which, I started a book today. Its called "Dreams and Spiritual Growth." I grabbed it at least 4 years ago off of the E&H library free case. I thought it looked interesting because recently I'd read a little about Daniel and Joseph and had become interested in such things. But I never read it. Then I meet and fall in love with Heather and pow, dreams are suddenly a much bigger deal (read here if you're unaware of why). So I don't realize what gift I have until after she leaves me, as it starts to fade and become less distinguishable. And then I see this book on my shelf and I'm thinking "Hmmm, I'm having dreams. I'm spiritual. I'm looking for growth." I'll let you know how it goes.

But today has had waves of its own. I've been completely convinced of God's promise to reunite Heather and I. I've thought nothing could be further from His plan. In the end . . . I don't care. I'm trusting. It'll turn out, one way or another. I'm following Him, I'm spending time with Him. I'm praying for her, I'm praying for Him to do things. I'm worshipping, I'm experiencing good fellowship. I'm growing and getting back to and ahead of where I was when we met. So whatever He's gonna do, I'm putting myself right in the path of it.

And I try to maintain that attitude. But then stuff happens.

I'd been feeling my heart pulling at Heather, remembering things and having desires while I cleaned. I wrote in my prayer journal after I'd finished my room:

"Good God do not turn me away. Come quickly and be with me. Please Lord, I know this time must be, but do not make it last long. Please return her to me."

So I grab my Bible looking to get some more food for the day. And here's where He leads me:

Psalm 66:1-5,8-12
"Shout with joy to God, all the earth!
Sing the glory of his name;
make his praise glorious!
Say to God, 'How awesome are your deeds!'
So great is your power
that your enemies cringe before you.

Come and see what God has done,
how awesome his works in man's behalf.


Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
he has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance."

I wish, I really really wish I hadn't written the part about bringing her back to me in my pj, because then this would just be general encouragement and I could trust without consideration for what is coming. But I pray, and He leads me there (the whole Psalm, I just included those parts). So now what am I supposed to think? I'm trying to think as little as possible. I'm trying to simply focus on the fact that He tied together specific references from the message theme He's been repeating in my life. Oh yeah, you should still be amazed.

Wednesday was about the fire. He's lead me to Matthew about the storm. And so much of the last week or so has been growth and perfection as a result of hardship. God is just a little wow.

A side note here. 4 times today when I prayed and opened my Bible I was at Psalm 118 . . . or maybe 117, I couldn't tell which He really intended, but I'm thinking 18. So if anyone has any thoughts, share please.

So tonight Rachel, Nick, and Bonnie and I met for dinner, and then came over here to watch 'The Passion of the Christ' for Black (Good) Friday. I've been looking forward to it ever since Nick mentioned it yesterday, despite my reservations about seeing the movie again. Dinner was freaking hilarious. The four of us together just . . . wow. I laughed so hard. I felt like myself. I felt like I belonged where I was. I've missed company like that.

The movie was . . . well it was what it is. Its gut wrenching, its powerful, its moving, it is true. Everybody held up surprisingly well, and I think less then 5 tissues were used, which is impressive because I thought Bonnie was going to lose it just at the title screen.

Afterwards we were all quiet for a few minutes, and then we started talking about it. I'll leave out most of what was said but there are a few things I'd like to note.

1) Lines that stuck out to me: Right before Jesus is beaten by the Roman soldiers He prays to God and says, "Father my heart is ready." Here He is ready to be beaten to the edge of what the human body can bear, as a precursor to what it cannot, and He says His heart, not His body is ready. There's a man whose head is in the right place.
When Jesus collapses while carrying the cross and Mary rushes out to Him. He turns and looks at her and says, "See mother, I make all things new." I'm almost in tears as I write it. 2 Corinthians 5:17.
Lastly, when He is on the cross, and He says, "It is accomplished."

2) I was particularly enthralled by Satan this time around, which has a lot to do with how much I've been listening to Anorexia/Nervosa lately.

3) Here's the big one. My last day at Lake Champion I had a realization. God's greatest act of mercy, is also His greatest act of justice. I thought of that tonight, of how the only reason God could act so merciful, is that His justice could not be circumvented. The only sinless man had to become sin, and bear the entire weight of the world, to bring justice. Thereby offering mercy.

We see this echoed again in Revelation, where the Lamb appears as one who has been slain. And the Lamb, whose blood was poured out to wash everyone white, is the same one who breaks the seals on the scroll, wreaking havoc and death upon the earth. The mediator of reconciliation and redemption, is the mediator of justice and wrath.

4) Nick, Rachel and I all thought of the guided prayer time at Kairos. Of what we said to Jesus, and what He said to us.


After we talked for a while we headed to Starbucks and then tore up Walmart. I was acting . . . I was very me. There was a moment where I was laughing really hard, and I started thinking about my life with Heather, about whether I'd been wrong about it all. I had this flash of thinking that I must have been wrong about her because we never laughed like that. But that's not true. That's not true at all. We used to laugh so hard. I remember how struck she was that I found her funny. How insecure about me still finding her that way, still finding her fun. We used to laugh.

I get home and spend a little time with God. I pray and write in the pj. Then I crack open the Bible and get two things. One is about the reign of Pekahiah, which I've gotten a number of times recently, and cannot make anything, and I mean anything, out of. Its a mystery.

The other was Psalm 74. I quit reading when I saw the word "inheritance." This can't be real. I'm putting it out of my mind, I'm just not dealing with it.

God is so good. I'd like to leave with one last thought. One last thing that stuck with me from the movie.

Mike said it at Kairos the other night, and it echoed in my ears tonight while watching the movie. I normally don't like traditional churches, but I like going to them for Black Friday services. I like the feeling of weight that comes with them. Mike was telling how they cover the cross in a black cloth and turn and so "Go home. There is nothing you can do. There is no hope."

I looked at Mary and Mary and John holding Jesus' lifeless body. I thought of Peter, the one who promised to follow Him anywhere, having denied Him and being found nowhere near the cross. I thought of . . . what stuck with me was the idea of being consumed by that hopelessness. Here Jesus Himself promises that He will die, but its okay because He's coming back. And yet when it actually happens. When the spear pierces His side. When His body is lowered from the cross. When they seal Him into a borrowed tomb. Imagine having hope at that moment. Imagine recalling everything He promised. The glory of the kingdom. The rebuilding of the temple.

I have been the doubter. I have been the disciples found nowhere near the cross. I have watched Him die while saying "don't", and then believed all was lost. I have replayed His promises in my ears and dismissed them.

I do not want to be that.

I want to be waiting by the tomb with streamers and a party hat.

I want to learn to never be afraid again.

Its easy. Jesus is on the throne.

Oh the waves (part 2)

I had three dreams last night.

In the first I had gone after Heather. I pursued her as I promised. And when I came to where I knew she was her mother was there and told me Heather was somewhere else. Somewhere I could not reach.

In my next dream I was living in a small Asian style house. During the day I could have the doors open, but it didn't matter because there was no light outside the house. It was surrounded in darkness. I had to close the doors at night so the bugs would not come in. Before I knew what happened I had died. When I asked the person I presume to be God why I suddenly saw myself closing up for the night. One of the bugs had bitten me on the foot. I saw it happening, and then watched myself die. I couldn't tell if I wasted away over a long time or if it happened quickly. It looked like both.

In the next dream I had been invited to a dinner party, a fairly large one. When I arrived at my table I realized Heather and I were the only people sitting there. It didn't look like Heather, it looked like another ex of mine, but I knew who it was, and she was still made at me. But then she said something during our tense conversation. Whatever it was I remember being distinctly aware that how she said it meant that she was planning on getting back with me. I asked her about it. She said she was planning on it. I asked her why we weren't getting back together right then. She answered but I couldn't totally understand her, but she said something about time.

Now I would normally chalk the first and third dreams up as just subjective except for three things.
1) I woke up immediately following all three dreams, which can be an indication of a dream of prophecy.
2) I haven't been having any dreams lately, which typically means something is coming
3) This one is the most significant and the most scary. As I was lying in bed last night I had this moment while I trying to go to sleep. I thought I could feel God telling me that I would dream in prophecy that night, because of how desperate I was.

Yes, you should indeed be amazed by that. And I should have to. But I wasn't. When I woke up, when I remembered that. I just wasn't. I wasn't amazed. I wasn't reassured. I wasn't anything. Today was the first day in more than a month that I didn't write in my prayer journal and read the Letter first thing when I awoke. I went out and did yard work instead. I didn't open my prayer journal or the Bible until sometime after 7 pm.

When I got back from playing frisbee golf with Nick I went upstairs and put on jeans and a tee and grabbed my old Vans to go skateboarding again. I finally settled down after about an hour. I finally cracked my prayer journal. I wrote a little and tried getting into the Word, but exactly what I wrote I was afraid of in my pj happened. I didn't get anything out of it. I missed whatever it was. So I went to check my email. I've been fairly eagerly awaiting an email from Joy ever since I sent one to her two days ago. I'd forgotten how much I like conversing with her. And low and behold, there it is. She said she was praying for me and came across two verses, one of which particularly struck me.

Romans 5:3-5"we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Really?

No . . . freaking really?

So as soon as I was done reading her email I went upstairs and opened my Bible again. To:

Matthew 8:27 "The men were amazed and asked, 'What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!"

Freaking really?

Of course I was supposed to read the whole story, but my eyes fell on that verse because the summation was the important part for me.

So now the reason for the title of this post comes around, and really it has a few reasons. One of course is that story. of the incredibleness of God repeating messages. When He wants you to hear something, He doesn't stop.

The other though, is the multiple meanings for waves. God is asserting His power over the "waves" (and the wind) of the storm which currently besets me. And this is something to which I submit, even though I grow weary of believing what He seems to have said the outcome will be.

"Waves" has another meaning though, because it describes how my though process has been in all this. Everything comes in waves. Waves of varying intensity and length. At times I feel so assured of everything God has done to say Heather is to be my wife. At times I can only focus on how far away and unlikely that seems. At times I can just trust God and not care either way or about anything. And at times I just scream to make what He's clearly trying to tell me just a little more visible. At times I want to participate in Heather coming to a place of reconciliation. And at times I spend all my efforts on ridding myself of her. At times I feel myself and so charged up and over the top ready and capable to do the things God has laid on me. And at times I just feel like He hasn't done or said anything for me, ever.

Now before anyone jumps, I cut through everything. I've found that have reacquired something of my center and I can search out the peace of God which rests upon right thinking, to a certain extent. What's most troublesome about this is where it intersects Heather.

I've spent the last three days praying weird prayers. I've committed myself each day to praying God to take Heather off of my heart. And each day He has done things to assert that she is my future. I also prayed yesterday for Him to forgive her, because she doesn't understand, she's just confused. I believe God is doing good things in this, but I still don't think its right. And the last two days or so I've taken to praying for God to change what He seems to want. I've been reasoning with Him about how it would actually be more miraculous for Him to make me satisfied with some other woman and some other story than to reconcile with Heather. Just . . . weird.

I noticed something while I was mowing today though. Everything single thing I do to help heal my heart of Heather does not work. I go to God for comfort and He either (rightfully) just speaks of His love for me, says nothing, or confirms her. I try to come up with logical reasons to move on, and the only ones I can find are soaked in bitterness and otherwise un-Christlike thinking. The last few days I've been trying, I've been going out of my way to be attracted to other females, to develop little crushes or whatever. For naught. All of it. And its so freaking hard. It seems that I constantly run up against things that make me feel further away from Heather. That seems to steal all hope and all belief in promise. That allow me only to focus on what she has done and where her heart must be. Why just tonight, when I was trying to do something good, for God, I was confronted with this. I was looking for a picture of me go along with something I was working on and I was made aware that Heather has deleted our engagement pictures. Kind of a no-brainer but still. Seeing her behave in such ways. Knowing what that says about her heart. It hurts worse than I can say.

And yet I can't identify a single freaking thing from God that seems to point in any other direction.

After I read the Matthew 8 section I layed down and tried to hear God. I'm so tossed up by everything that my discernment still feels so incapable. But . . . I think I heard the same thing I did from Tuesday night. Him telling me everything He's said is right. I've tried . . . and I just can't think of what else it could be.

So two questions remain . . . more as curiosity than anything. This fire, this valley, this storm . . . what lies on the other side? And how long until He calms the waves?

Ideally I should end the post there right? From a literary perspective, from a dramatic perspective that's the right place. But something else does need to be said.

When I started writing this post I did not want to be doing it. At all. While I was writing it I felt so . . . far from where I was the other night. I felt so overwhelmed by the waves, mental and otherwise. But as I finished I noticed something. I felt better. I feel like myself right now. I feel like God's sitting right here, whispering in my ear with an arm draped around me in a way more brotherly than comforting. Whatever is found of me in what has been written, there is truth. But just know that through where I've been, this is where I stand. I am me. There is hope. There is promise. There is a good and mighty God. He has conquered the world. He has conquered death. Tomorrow's gonna be a great day. You don't even know. But you will.

Oh the waves (part 1)

I've been sitting here staring at the screen for a few minutes. I'm not entirely sure what to right. Really I'm not even remotely aware. But I didn't write last night because I felt the same way. Unsure of what to write, and really not wanting to do it.

I'm so freaking frustrated. I just want to kick and scream and fight and destroy. I want everything and I want nothing. Let's go back.

Yesterday was a weird day. I got up and did more work around the house. I spent time with God, I kept praying, and taking breaks to read the word. But I just didn't feel where I had been the night before. I think I woke up with a very reassured sense of Heather and I being reunited. Freaking stupid.

But . . . well, I'll go on. The day just kind of droned on. Nothing really happened, spiritually or event wise. I went skateboarding for a little while, because I needed to not go insane. The day before I'd so been looking forward to Wednesday night group. But as the day wore on I realized I didn't want to go. I just wanted to retreat away from everyone and everything. I was definitely suffering from the comma.

So I force myself to go. And I show up just on the edge of being late. Anyhow I sit down behind Steve and Trish and Andy. Now I want to get something out of the way before I get to the meat of this story. I noticed last night that my Wednesday night group has a few more immature people in it than my Sunday night group. I was aware of it last night paying attention to how some of the people were acting. What's odd is that there are some really great people there as well, but you can kind of tell who is who by where they sit. Mature people sit at the back and on the left side. Immature people tend to sit around the table and in the alcove on the right. Seriously.

So on to the real issues. Last night, the discussion topic was essentially the same thing as the message from Kairos the night before, and thereby my CIL meeting from Sunday night. No I am not lying. Its freaking Holy Week. Everybody should be doing traditional Holy Week things and what do I get. I go to three different services and get the same main point from each. God has purpose in hard times, trust it. Its freaking Holy Week.

Jennifer started by saying she knew it was Holy Week but she had wanted to take a different look at the cross and present it from a new angle. Yeah. So I'm still not sure how exactly she was trying to tie the passage from Matthew (the Crucifixion) into her main point. But that's not really important. What's important is that she was talking about how fire is purifying, and how it is good. Yeah, your jaw should be on the floor.

But the story has a twist. I'd say it was about 3/4 of the way through the night when I realized . . . it wasn't effecting me. I didn't feel anything. I should have been amazed. I should have been praising God. But nothing. I felt absolutely nothing.

I tried to hang out for a few minutes after the meeting, but I was so distracted. I had heard God, I knew what I was hearing but . . . how could I feel like this. I should be looking for a spot to cry in thankful prayer. I should be worshiping. I should be . . . feeling something. But I didn't, so I was even more distracted. So I just left.

As I turned my phone on I had a voicemail from Rachel, she and Nick were hanging out and while no one else from church was there they wanted me to come. I went where they said they were going to be in the message, but they weren't there so I turned and left. I drove home feeling . . . even more empty, and starting to run into the other side. Sadness. Loneliness. Anger.

When I got home no one was here. I had no emails. No one was online to talk to. I knew that nobody I could call would answer my calls right then. I was completely and utterly alone. God was calling me to spend time with Him. And I didn't want to. I was so . . . I don't even know what. I think angry, but I'm not sure. So here I was sitting at this choice. And I decided to push back. I reached back into my past and grabbed a hold of some old sin and tried to get back at God. I don't know for what. For being lonely? For everything that's gone on with Heather? For not striking me with words that should have. I don't know. But it didn't work.

I had one of those moments last night where you realize something you know; where you become acutely aware of something you have academically acknowledged. I became all too aware of what sin does to us hear on earth. Of how it alienates us. From God and from others. I was trying to fill my God shaped hole, and it just felt bigger. I wanted Heather more. I both wanted God more and felt less able to turn to Him. Even though I felt lonelier I equally wanted less to do with people. I wanted to just sink.

So I rallied a little. I prayed a little. I read a tiny bit of the Letter. I found B-Tran and asked him to pray for me.

I sat here and stared at another blank posting screen for who knows how long, wanting to get something out. But . . . even though I had so much to say, none of it could come.

I walked upstairs and layed on the floor. I wrote in my prayer journal. I tried to read the Bible. But still . . . nothing worked. I never felt better. Still just a mix of empty, and dejected, and heaped under darkness. I went to sleep just so it would go away.

Jesus is indeed on the throne

I don't . . . I'm really not even sure of what to say. It's been an amazing day. I know this will be a long post, which is funny because I write absurdly long posts anyhow. What can I say, I'm a writer at heart.

First things first, I don't think I've listened to Underoath all day. Yeah, I know. Today has instead been filled mostly with Showbread's Anorexia/Nervosa project; which is one of the best art pieces I have ever, ever encountered. They made these two albums where the songs are really designed as background music to the story of two sisters written on the CD inserts. The stories are dark and unbelievably engaging. But ultimately they are beautiful and amazing. Of course the music can be listened to without reading the stories (ideally after you have experienced it as intended) and its just . . . the stuff is wow.

Weird thing happens I've noticed. When I get really close to God, and really into my personality and masculinity, I want to curse a lot. Not in an angry or hurtful way. More in a cheering way mostly. Like when somebody praises God my brain goes "**** Yeah!" And then it second guesses itself and says, "really?" I also want to curse at/about Satan a lot. Call him names when he comes at me, things like so. I don't think this is normal. I'm pretty sure its not good, but it is what it is.

I got up really early this morning for having gone to bed late last night and then not being able to sleep. And I felt it. I lounged around for a little while and suckled on some cinnamon rolls (heck yes). Finally I got cracking and went upstairs to help my mom get the house in order. There was stuff everywheres. I'm not sure we made any identifiable progress, but that's okay.

That's how I spent most of my day. I almost deleted the blog today. I almost got rid of it all and decided never to touch it again. I had another few experiences of finding out my readership is MUCH bigger than I thought. And I'm not sure how to feel about it. My only peace in it is that I've realized this is God's doing. He got me started on this and wants me doing it. I'm not sure why but . . . the more I thought about it, the more I found myself wondering if I could increase the readership more. Maybe submit posts to websites as articles. Tell people to tell their friends. Fish on forums. God just does crazy crap. And He is doing something here.

I realized I've started to think in post writing. I evaluate how I feel as though I'm putting it on here, and I guess its working. I'm getting better at figuring things out. But today has been a crazy day.

My first prayer journal entry of the day went like this:

"Be with me God.
I'd love for today to be the day. I'd love for what I believe to be true.
But just get me through today.
Draw me near."

As I copy this down I'm getting all "heck yes" for two reasons. One is that God delivered big time. I can't even remember all the things I've had revealed to me today, much less tell all of them here. There really is too much to today.

Second is that I'm doing it. I'm doing what Emily said the other day. I need to just be focused on obeying God daily. And I had that message echoed to me from a friend yesterday. And then today, I start out my morning without even realizing I was doing so, and then I take a break for lunch. And sitting in my email inbox is a letter from a very dear friend of mine who is appropriately named Joy. The email was long and said a lot, but the relevant part can be summed up like this "it is our job to trust, and through that trust the Lord will fill you with an inexplainable peace."

I was taken aback when I got the email. When she said what she did. God has used three different people on three successive days to deliver that message. Alright, You got my attention.

And then here I discover I started doing it without realizing. Things just get better and better.

There is still so much to go.

So Nick calls me earlier today, says he is coming back in to town and heard I was hitching down to Kairos with Rachel and (a different) Joy. We'll call her dJoy. So he has decided to go along, which is great because now there is another guy going. So we meet at 5:30 and hang out for a few while Rachel shows up late and those two eat ( I already ate with moms) and then we're gone.

The drive down was good. We talked the whole way, and a lot of it was spiritual. We just all kept chiming in and adding things and sharing. It was all good ground, and it was all real, and it was all valuable. Why don't Christians talk like that with each other more?

So we get there and find our way to the new location for Kairos. And its a big improvement. dJoy decided to come separate with Katie and Becca. So we save a few sits and kick it while we wait for the service to begin. Rachel tells this story about some guy who told his wife how many pieces of toilet paper she could use. Seriously? I would love to go to work on that guy. God has stripped me of some of the aggressive elements of my personality. But still whenever I hear of a guy mistreating a girl, I just want to go town. And this is me. Makes me wonder about how Heather could accuse me of some of what she did. Oh well right?

So the service gets started with singing just a few lines, and then a few moments of silence to prepare our hearts. I'm standing there looking at the cross graphic on the screen and I hear it. "Follow me." You got it.

The band kicks up and I throw myself at worship. I get so lost. I'm just singing and focusing on God. Praising Him and feeling His love and returning it as best I can. At one point a thought breaks through though. I'm not sure Heather and I were ever at a place where I really worshiped around her. And I don't mean an emotional place. Just more of that practical decision stuff. We never went to a church or a service where I was really in it. Where I really worshiped. And this woman awakened spiritual gifts in me. Imagine what we could do. No wonder Satan is on the attack. He's freaking scared to death.

So then Mike gets up there. He starts the service with a guided prayer time. He tells us to close our eyes and he slowly weaves a picture. We start by focusing on Jesus and Holy Week in the abstract. Then suddenly he is putting pictures right before our eyes. We're in the crowd. Right there on the mount. Staring Jesus in the eyes as He hangs on the cross. Mike says we suddenly find ourselves at the front of the crowd, "so close you can hear the drops of blood as they fall in pools on the ground." We're looking Jesus in the eyes, and Mike asks what we want to say.

"Its my fault," my brain cries. "Its my fault you're there. I've done so much to put you there. Please just come down. Let me get up there."

Jesus gets tears in His eyes. He tries to speak and we lean in close to hear. Mike asks what He says.

And then God speaks to me, for the hundredth time today. "I love you. I love you so much. This is for you." Oh God what words to speak to my heart. And then, "Everything is as I have said." And I know what He is talking about. Really?

I'm so awash in everything. Mike goes on and I just start crying. Not a heavy sobbing cry. Just a cleansing, good and bad cry. So gentle and so good.

The main message was . . . well Mike talks about so much its kind of tough to boil down. You just have to be there, but it was amazing. The main passage was from Revelation 7. 6 of the 7 seals have been broken by the lamb. All hell has been brouth loose on earth, people are crying for reprieve. And in the middle of it everything stops. And suddenly every believer is present before God. Worshiping. Experiencing and in return expressing perfect love.

Then, almost at the end Mike says this is tied to Psalm 23. And then he brings it together. All troubles, all storms, every hard thing. There is no need for fear. Jesus, the good shepard, is intentionally leading us through the valley of the shadow of death, because we have to be perfect, and we have to learn not to be afraid. And every tear for what has passed, God will hold us and wipe them away.

The end message, the phrase that still rings in my ears is this: If you get picked up and put on the other side of the valley you'll just be right back at the start of the valley. You have to learn to never, ever be afraid again. My heart just exploded.

So I am lost in all this. I am so jazzed, so in love with my savior. So ready for the fight and the waiting of what He seems to have promised in my future with Heather. And simultaneously so unconcerned. So what if I'm wrong? So what if I've heard wrong? It'll be fine. And this short paragraph is huge. There is so much there. Go back and read it again. This is the culmination of everything I have written.

But the day is not over. God has more in store.

While at Kairos I had this moment. God spoke to me while Mike was speaking, He told me I needed to be back at ministry. I needed to search out Young Life in Nashville and I needed to be a leader in my CIL small group, and that I needed to speak at a service like this. And then . . .

dJoy and Katie and Becca never found us. They called us as we were leaving and told us to meet them at Fido. Fido is a super sweet coffee house near West End. Rachel and Nick and I got there and ordered and were standing in line. And I look over at these two people sitting in this botth next to the line. And the girl has a freaking Young Life sticker on her computer. I do my first ever triple take. Really God? Really?

So I say hi to her and we exchange a little info and I leave with the area directors number. I am unbelieving, and how?

We order and the three other girls show up and we all hang and talk and laugh. Then dJoy and Katie and Becca (whom I still haven't officially met, even after sitting next to her) leave. Rachel and Nick and I stay and hang out for I don't know how long. Talking about the service, talking about God. Nick and I talk about Bangladesh, and about getting a service like Kairos started on the north side. At some point I realize something amazing. I feel like myself. I am acting like myself. How long has it been? I have no idea, but it feels better than I can describe.

Longest post ever? Don't know, maybe. Whatever. What's amazing is knowing that there is stuff I left out, and stuff I've forgotten. Here are the end thoughts.

God rocked me today. I was faithful and He was more than that. He delivered big time and I'm just waiting to get up tomorrow and start attacking this stuff.

Part of me is sad that God is not speaking to me through Scripture right now, as He usually does, but hey, what I'm getting is good.

I am better than ever. There is so much good I can say I can't say any of it. There are so many things I could share, about how Christ has and is moving and shaping my heart.

Just know this. Zach Frank is back, and there is a mighty, mighty God with him.