I'm writing this post in a really weird mood. I think most of it has to do with something Emily said earlier. She was telling me to hold onto this blog, no matter what, because it'll be great to come back and look at. And then she said it. "And someday Heather will need to read all this, or maybe she already is." And there I got weirded out. Holy crap. What if she's reading this? I don't think I want her reading this, even the stuff that's written to her. But why? I think its because I don't want her to be with me in that way. Don't get me wrong. I'm not angry. I'm not bitter. I have a sweeping, magnificent, Christ-led love ready at a moments noticed. But its in waiting right now. Its controlled and restrained, for my sake.
Maybe its because I don't want anyone to. I really like it that no one I'm spending time with in person reads this thing. I feel like this undiscovered world. Its stupid. Its not where my heart really is. I wrote something in my prayer journal about the same idea almost a year ago. Whatever. The point is, now I'm paranoid about what I write. Not enough to change it, but I feel weird now.
So here's a humorous story everyone should appreciate. Last night after I wrote I went upstairs and spent just a few minutes reading and praying. I smelled like campfire (hooray) and turkey dogs (a little gross). I started thinking on everything God had done and said that day and then I prayed a prayer. One that as I was saying it I realized how funny it was. I prayed, "God, it seems you've said pretty clearly Your plan is reconciliation, and I'm okay with that. But if you could make sure its not this week, because I'm gonna be really busy, that would be great." If that bites me in the butt . . . I don't know what I'm going to do.
One of the really great things that may slip by in all that is something I just realized yesterday. I was talking to my friend Dave and he asked me a question. I realized as I answered just how much God seems to have put on my plate right now. I need to be doing more with Him. I need to be working on getting to Bangladesh and at least the one other country. I need to be working on Mexico. I need to be stepping back into Young Life. And apparently God wants me to set up a young adults targeted worship service to serve the north side of Nashville. And He's gonna help me get a job. So . . . yeah.
Well crazy upon crazies, I thought I'd have plenty of time on the worship service project. Then I get word that my pastor from CIL and the young adult person from my Wednesday night group want to get together this week. Turns out somebody told Aaron about the idea (and Bangladesh), and Jennifer contacted me about finding ways to get involved over there. I feel like I say this word all the time now, but . . . really?
Which brings to mind another thing Emily and I talked about tonight. (Which, btw I'm angry Facebook deleted the convo because I was going to save it). She was telling me these lyrics to this song that had made her think of me. And I won't go into detail, but its was just crazy how the song reiterated a point of noticed. Everything that happens has a corollary somewhere in my life. Every message gets echoed. Even things like, tonight I found out Emily goes to BSF, and the only other time I've ever heard of that in my life, is because Heather's mom is a leader for it. Things like talking with Allisa last night and hearing her say things I've been thinking about our small group. Things like last Sunday. Things like . . . things like hearing the same message at three different church services and reading a Bible passage that tied them all together. Things like Joy sending me a Bible passage I was led to the night before, and the day after. Crazy, crazy, crazy things.
Okay . . . today started out as kind of a crappy day. I woke up late, I did nothing I was supposed to, with lots to do. I felt beset all day, just having these thoughts I didn't want to be having. Wanting and missing Heather. Focusing on problems with money. Temptation to sin. Lots of loneliness and unChristlike focus. So I hit this point, I'm thinking, I just don't want to feel this way, it sucks. So I go to spend time with God. And I spend about 45 minutes just praying, and reading the Letter, and listening to music. And trying to hear Him speak about a few things. Mostly about the tasks I think He has giving me, just double checking them. And at the end I felt so good. I was just great. And then God blessed me. I got on the computer and got caught up in like, 5 different great conversations with people that mean a lot to me. Score one for team Jesus.
But my time with Him wasn't all roses and happiness. It started out kind of . . . frusterating. I wrote about a half page in my prayer journal, talking about the various feelings of the day, ending it with these lines, "Please God, don't let me think about her anymore. Don't make me. Please Lord, erase her. Erase these thoughts."
Then I go to the Word. Not asking anything specific, just wanting to read. To be loved. But I can feel it coming. He's going to respond anyways. So I close my eyes and run my fingers over the pages until I feel the pull, where He wants me to open. So I do. And I open my eyes.
Song of Songs. Chapter 8. v.6-7.
Yeah.
I grabbed my prayer journal.
"Really? I say that and You lead me there. Again. No way. Freaking stop it!"
So I'm kind of in that place. Of somewhere inside knowing there is no way I can really be screwing up His signals that badly, and yet still wanting to deny. I had a dream last night. A dream along the same lines. It was long and had many elements. But I remember the end. I was holding Heather and we were dancing and I was crying. But I told myself I wasn't going to transcribe it, because it wasn't important. It was just a subjective dream. Just my desires and memories of the day.
This is madness.
Somehow I managed to double-book myself for this weekend. I made plans to go to Knoxville for Zane's b-day. And to go see the ballet at the Palace with Bonnie. I'm not sure what I'm going to do to resolve it. But it did give rise to another thought.
I've been turning over and over in my mind how God has put me together. And I think I can say this without a hint of pride: I am an extremely unique guy.
I am equally excited about the possibility of going camping and going to the ballet. I'd feel just as pleased going to (or participating) in an MMA fight as going to an art gallery or play. I enjoy kayaking, and can cook pretty delicious high brow meals. I read classic literature and like it as much as fart jokes and smashing stuff. I know how many people I can take on in a fight and took 1 month to learn how to play the guitar well enough to write a song to propose to a woman at a world famous music hall. I don't think I'm normal. And there's more stuff I'm sure I, or even better someone else could point out.
The point is . . . well I'm not totally sure but . . . I think its this. I started praying sometime last week, that God would gift me for singlehood. And I don't hink He's listening. He designed me to be a terrific mate. But being so requires a very special kind of woman. I've tried, as hard as I can, and I just can't imagine some woman other than Heather truly appreciating what I am. I feel like going back and deleting all that. I feel like it sounds boasting and desperate and stupid. But I won't.
I won't because there's been this other thing going on. Where God has been reshaping little areas of my heart. Recasting them to get rid of things that were previously there. And in every place I recognize it. Every new awareness. Every change. They all seem to be things that make me better suited for Heather. Some are too personal to share. And all of it is too etherel to make real to someone else. But . . . its there. I can feel it.
And right now its kind of annoying.
Closing thoughts:
I was talking to Joy tonight and she asked me what God taught me today. And I had to think about it for a minute. But then I remembered this moment, right at the beginning of that time I spent with God tonight.
I was thinking of the loneliness I was feeling. And God just all of sudden dropped a load of change on my heart. I didn't want people reaching out to me. I wanted to be reaching out to other people. I thought of how many of my friends were leading club at that very moment. And all I wanted to do was commit to calling every single one, every Tuesday from here to eternity and saying, "How was it?"
I felt led to immediately call Jill and speak to her about some things that were going on, and some just funny nothingness no one else would understand.
I wanted to call Sam and see how his talk went.
But a sore spot too. I called Glenn. And he didn't answer. I haven't spoken to him in almost as long as Heather. I keep calling. I keep messaging him. I keep reaching out because I love him and I want a strong brotherhood there. But I don't know what's up. Glenn I'd love to talk to you man. I miss you like crazy.
God has big plans for you. And they don't start in 5 years. They don't start in a few months. They started way before you were born. and yet they start right now. What are you doing? How are you improving? How are you growing? How are you seeking? How are you obeying?
God's plan for you is going on right now. Are you participating?
0 comments:
Post a Comment