a figure of bronze, dissolving into tears (part 1)

I don't want to be writing. I'm not sure I want to be doing anything. But if I don't write a post now, I'm not sure I ever would again. ::insert hefty sigh::



Anyone know where the title comes from? Its a quote from J. Oswald Sanders in regards to the prophet Jeremiah. Why is this relevant? I'll get to it later.



So why don't I feel like writing? Why haven't I written in 4 days? I'm not totally sure. Some of it is that I didn't feel like I had much to say. I was swimming in the same old thoughts I've shared every time. And wondering why I'm back among the same old weeds.



What I can say for sure is where it started. Wednesday was an interesting day. Didn't end up meeting with Aaron because he needed more time to prepare for church that night. Also didn't talk with Jennifer more than a few minutes because it turns out I didn't know what I was in for at GodWhy that night. It was "Get Plugged In" night, which means every ministry in the church set up a booth in the main space to let people see what they do and give them a chance to get involved. Holy crap. It was a freaking party. There were a ton of people there and free food and general craziness. The CAKE (young adults) group in the back was hanging out dancing and joking and playing Mario Kart. I got hit on . . . 3 times . . . which was . . . whatever.



One great part was when I walked in a guy named Adam was sitting at a table by himself. Last time at group was when Jennifer did the "fire for purity" thing. The night closed with Adam sharing a story about this church he worked at and what happened as to why he is there no longer. Its always crazy to meet people who have been exactly where you have.



I didn't get a chance to talk to Adam that night so when I saw him at the table I sat down and shared with him my own experience regarding the church in South Carolina. We spent a few minutes talking about the similarities and how we dealt with it and what we gained as a result. And then we went our separate ways. It was good.



Humorous awkward moment. We had to all sit down at one point while the pastor of GodWhy got up and talked, and there were so many young adults with so few seats we were all kind of packed in. So this woman walks in and sits down and knows the girl I'm sitting next to. And due to our proximity, asks if I'm the "boyfriend of the week." Then she turns to me and says something about not worrying, that Jamie will dump me in a week. "I kind of doubt that," I responded, smiling awkwardly. I chalked it up to general awkward weirdness. But the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. This woman should never have said anything close to what she did. Not only did it make a glaring and uncomfortable assumption, I can't imagine how hurtful it was to Jamie. Now if she's a seeker at that church, my comments are reserved and withdrawn, but if that woman knows Jesus . . . . So I had to ask, do I ever do things like that? Do you?


I've been thinking a lot about my sins and the mistakes I make. About what kind of man I really am. About how I treated Heather. There's been lots of introspection the last few days.



As I was getting ready to leave GodWhy, Rachel called me and said everyone from CIL was going to get ice cream and then to Brittany's aparment to hang out. I quickly said goodbye and left to meet up with everyone. I'll skip over most things except to say a dilmma was actually doubly solved. Not only did I have the weekend of Zane's party wrong, Bonnie was going out of town, so no ballet. I thought of seeing if someone else wanted to go with me, but I couldn't really imagine who so I skipped it. I thought maybe I'd go shoot guns to make up for it.



Jonathan was a Brittany's, which I liked because I like him and its good to get to know him better. But at one point he turns around and starts asking me questions. "What's the hardest part?" he asked. I told him it was feeling like God was still saying Heather was it. And then he said it. "yeah, I felt that way too."



This is blistering pessimism.



I had fun that night, we all talked and laughed. I really did enjoy myself. But I've been acting different ever since that moment. Rachel even noticed and asked me about it the next day. And its affecting everything. I have no resolve in what I feel God has said in that area of my life. I've taken to praying for something that isn't of my own mind. Something that stands outside the influence of my desires. Then today I realized something terrible. There is no such thing. Everything God could say in the affirmative would be subject to the doubt of it lining up with my desires, and thereby being nothing more than a product of them.



Its affected how I act too. Kolby and Nick and I went to play frisbee golf on Thursday. On hole 5 I had an absolutely incredible shot. Made the basket from a rediculous distance. I didn't celebrate. At all. I didn't even smile. I commented on it. "Is it weird that I'm not excited at all?" What's worse, is that I kind of liked it. Being so deadpan. Something about that appeals to me. An unflappable appearence. The cold objectivity of knowing the shot was just luck. Striking delivery of jokes with no hint of cracking a smile. Is this a new me?



And it ties into not writing in the blog. It ties in to never wanting to get close to remotely liking another girl if I am to move on. It ties in to wanting Heather to call me just so I can ask her to leave me alone. Something in my heart desires that closed off-ness. Something I refer to as the Unclimable Mountain. Its sick. I hate it that I like the idea of this girl I know from around here liking me, that I would not date, even if I weren't still in love with someone else. Not that I do anything to encourage it (or do I?). But . . . yeah. This is part of the darkness of my heart. I want to be dreamt of being known. With no result.



Not entirely though. I finished that because its somewhere I was, but as I write it I'm aware of another thought. I want Heather to know. I want her to see me and know me as she once did. I want her to desire that depth, that intimacy of spirit, and to receive it. The idea of letting anyone else see my heart the same way makes me sick. What a mess.



Yet my distrust grew. Wednesday I was in turmiol. I spent a massive amount of time with the Lord when I got home. Hours. Three times I asked Him about Heather again. Three times He gave me verses that seemed to say, "yup, still haven't change my mind, don't plan on it either." (John 9:35- Ch 11, Isaiah 49:5-8, and the intro of Jeremiah). So I prayed, "if this is so, do something else to confirm it. Help me overcome my unbelief." Which is a quote from Mark 9. Then I go to read more in my Bible. And I open it to Mark 9. 3 times in a row. And what I wrote in my prayer journal, was not elation, but depression. Things were only worse now. So I stay up very late reading. Sometimes reading passages, sometimes seeing where He led me. And at one point when I was thinking back over everything He led me to the parable of the Ten Minas, which is a passage He used to tell me to pursue Heather in the beginning. I won't quote what I wrote in my prayer journal, but it was not happy, and it was not clean.



I'm not sure how late I stayed up, or what scripture I read right before I went to bed, but this is the way my prayer journal ended that night:



"Please hear me.

Forgive me Father, I have sinned against You.

Restore me, Father.

Please."



That night I had a dream. In it Heather and I were reunited.

I woke up feeling terrible. My body ached, my mind was lost in terrible thoughts. I wrote in my prayer journal. I prayed. But I refused to open my Bible until almost 5 pm. I kept praying and writing in the journal all day. Two pages of how I felt. And how the way I felt had not changed, despite prayer.

I was alone that night. Mom was at work. Brian was at work. Rusty was at work. I milled around for a while, feeling pretty miserable and lonely. Finally I'd had enough.

I decided to worship.