Happy 4th of July!

If you need proof that sin has truly infected this world, I've got some. My dog knows how to lie. How sad is that. He's a dog.

I was bringing him in from outside and after I'd let go, while standing there at the door, he turns and decides he's going to run. I try to catch him and end up pressing my hands down on his back, just in front of his hips. And he lets out this terrible little yelp/wimper and scurries on. I didn't have a good hold to stop him. I know there's now way that hurt. He puts more stress on himself when he lays down. Freaking liar. My dog.

In other news, July 4th was an absolute blast. Oh, bad pun. My apologies.

I went downtown with Awkward Jenn and her sister and brother-in-law. We got down there about 2 o'clock and spent the day listening to various talent levels of musicians play while finding other ways to entertain ourselves. Like playing Mad Gab. And stating how hot it was.

The fireworks were absolutely amazing. We were really about as close as you could get and the colors were incredible. And the noise, you could feel some of the fireworks. But about half way through the show, it started raining. But when I say raining, I'm not sure you'll get my full meaning. Giant marble sized drops were falling in thick sheets propelled by winds so strong I thought my borrowed umbrella would turn inside out. And I just started laughing. And I laughed most of the way through the rest of the show, and back to the car. I just thought the rain, on the 4th, with all those people out there, was hilarious. I laughed as Adam and I each used one hand to try to stuff a camp chair back into its bag. I laughed as we walked through mini-rivers running across 1st Ave. and I momentarily thought of splashing people. I laughed as I felt the poker tin supposedly keeping the phones dry vibrated with people calling to check on us. Pretty much the only time I didn't laugh was when we stopped to watch the finale. And when we got in the car I laughed because here, in the car, in the parking garage, it had quit raining outside. It didn't last, but the idea of it.

So, on to more serious matters, I really need to get a girlfriend. Now this phrase may seem overly desperate and also incongruous with my line of talk from my last post, but hear me out. One of my favorite bands is an Americana/bluegrass group called the Avett Brothers. A number of their songs are about love, and they were a band Heather and I both liked, so we listened to them a lot together. Tonight, for the first time since the breakup I actually caved in and listened to them. And I just don't think I can handle it. And yes part of me is pissed at her for this. More importantly I remember going through a similar, though less severe, period after my breakup prior to meeting Heather. And I couldn't listen to the Avett Brothers again until I met her. So now it stands to reason, I need to meet a great girl and get to some level of a relationship, if for no other reason than so I can once again listen to the Avett Brothers. I think about 5 dates should do it. More realistically, just reaching a point where we are in an established relationship. Finding a girl who was aware of the parameters of the relationship and was fine with them would be ideal, since that would keep me from being under obligations once I was able to listen to the Avett Brothers again. Don't laugh. A part of me is actually serious.

Now for some actual incongruity. My reaction to my conversation with Emily the other night has been predictable. I have prayed about it once, and I have not sought to hear from God in another way. In my prayer journal last night I actually told Him He'd have to do something if He wanted me to hear on this one. We'll see who wins that fight.

In the same vein, I've actually hit on two girls in the last two days. One at last night's Hendersonville celebration, and one tonight downtown. The result? I stopped very early on (like under 2 minutes) in each instance because I found out the girls were both named Heather. Yeah . . . that's histerical.

Unfortunately, since that conversation, when I have written in my prayer journal, or prayed, or read it has felt . . . better. Like whatever was in the way before was removed. I don't like that. I don't like what I think that means.

So now I'm listening to 3OH!3's "Don't Trust Me" trying to remember what else it was I wanted to say.

I still have to decide where I'm going to church in the morning, I'm considering giving Indian Lake another chance.

In other news, yesterday I got stung on the chin by a yellow jacket receiving my mp3 player from UPS, which now won't sync, so I can't put music on it.

I'm gonna go sleep.

I really do want to encounter God tomorrow. I'm willing. I just want Him near.

Be careful what you wish for . . .

Crap.

No, really. Crap.


Just . . . crap.

And really I wish that was a different word. It should be. How did we get here? Well let's go back.

Last time I wrote was Monday, so Tuesday I skipped Kairos. I know. I've explained it by saying it was a combination of Mike Glenn being gone and not having anyone to go with, neither of which on their own would have swayed me, but together, it was too much. In reality though, as I sit here and type, I think I was avoiding God. I knew He'd be there. Pradoxically, that also made me really want to go. I wanted to worship so badly. But at the same time, I just couldn't.

Wednesday was pretty interesting, the best parts of which were CAKE and hanging out with people afterwards, including a "new" friend named Awkward Jenn (real name). And a good Thursday started that night, with a text from a friend asking me if I'd ever done weapons training. And that made me giddy.

So Thursday morning started way early at a karate dojo nearby. Now Karate is for little kids, and that's it. But that's where this guy was, who was doing a special thing. So we did some knife work, which I had done before. And some katana work, which was killer, and some staff work.

Blah, blah, blah more stuff happened. Time with Nick, who just got back from Florida. Time with my moms. And then I'm drifting, and I kind of want to watch tv/play videogames, whatever. But . . .

And here I reach a problem. See I'd like to talk about what happened at Cake, and the things it got me thinking about. I'd like to talk about how today I was thinking about the blog in my head, and I don't think its as funny as it used to be. I have this vague sense that I can be substantially funny, and the blog used to impart at least a little of that, but I don't think it does any more. And I want to talk about why and if there's anything I can do. I want to talk about this book, and how whereas before I had trouble putting it down, now I have to force myself to pick it up. And some of the deep things its gotten me thinking. But . . .

While I'm thinking of finishing a movie on tv, I seriously have this thought, "well you need to clip your fingernails, and if you do it in there, you can be near the computer in case somebody IMs you." Now before you accuse me of being pathetic, just wait because, 1) I've been on Facebook chat like, three times in the last month, and 2) see where this goes. But tonight, I was waiting (in my defence, I was also watching a movie on Hulu).

So then Emily IMs me. And real quick we dive in, she asks me how I'm doing and I explain a little bit. And then she asks me if she can ask me a question. Which makes that two questions, and is really an odd convention. I mean, functionally I understand it, its a way to get permission to ask a difficult or personal question, but I feel we may be better off by being more forthright with that.

Anyhow, then she says it:

"Why did you give up on Heather?"

Crap.

No, really, just . . . crap.

See, earlier today I asked myself that same question.

I really, really, really wish my belief in coincidences was far more sweeping than it actually is.

I'd seemingly tossed all this off for a few weeks, but as you know, the last few days she'd been on my mind again. And then today, thinking about where I was with God, and some of the things I was feeling, and some things that had happened, I just kind of wondered, "Should I still be fighting for her?" And then Emily and I talk, for the first time in at least a month, probably more. And not 5 minutes into the conversation, she asks that question. Crap. I was having such a good and easy going day.

So I tried to respond a little. I mentioned how I'd really lost the desire, and I pointed out that God had pretty clearly told me to ask someone else out on a date. But even as I said it . . . I wasn't convinced. At the end of my explanation I just said I didn't really have a good reason. I just stopped. To some extent it really is because I just didn't know what to do, or have anything to do. But, even that is kind of a flat response.

Emily and I then spent a long time talking. She asked me more questions and said more about the whole Heather thing, and partially as a result ended up telling me a more in depth version of how she and her husband got together. All I will relate from her story is that Andrew is an incredible guy and the way he acted during everything made me feel . . . embarassed. Like I was doing something wrong.

At the end of my conversation with Emily I felt in turmoil. I still do. I wasn't, and am not ready to say that I've messed up and that I should be fighting. But I'm also fairly well aware that I have been lying to myself. Everytime I mentioned wanting a girlfriend or my wife in the blog, that thought started with a thought about Heather. And the timing of my conversation with Emily, who is often a member of non-coincidental God actions for me. And some of the things that struck at my heart while we talked. I'm not ready to say I should still be fighting for her, but I feel like a liar saying it. I feel like I'm burying my head in the sand. Like I'm covering up, trying to change things. Maybe it will go away? Time, right?

And this is still a relatively short post for me. I could go on and talk about all those other things I mentioned earlier. Or other things on my heart. But really I just want to go to bed and hope the morning brings clarity. It won't, only God will. But honestly, I'm a little worried to seek Him right now.

So the title . . . well . . . I'd been wanting and praying about hearing from Him. I've been praying for a job. I've been praying for some other things. And now these things pop up, and the more real they look . . . the more they scare me. I thought I was over this. Didn't we cover this weeks ago?

But alas . . . God is good. He reigns. And though made a co-heir, I'm a servant. All I have to do is tune in. Find the frequency and hear the voice.

At least I know what to ask. Pray I hear . . . and that I have the constitution to obey.

"Oh my God, we cannot hear, the sounds too loud, we drown it out"

I've had the editing window for this post open for a good 25 minutes, with nothing to show for it.  I've done absolutely everything else I can think of to occupy my time, and now I'm stooping to getting this started, by telling you I'm having trouble getting it started.  Yeah, this'll be a good one.

Its not that I don't have things to say, I'm just not even sure where to start, or how to get them out at all.

6 Flags was an absolute blast.  It was a small group, and I'd only spent more than a few minutes with one of them, and I don't think I was alone in that.  Despite this, we gelled really well and ended up having a fantastic day.

I got home relatively early (9:30-ish) and spent a few minutes talking to Celia, and then I tried to will myself to stay awake reading and playing videogames (alternately, not at the same time).  My brother was getting his race car ready for another day of racing and came in and asked me to test it at about 11:30.  So of course I did.  And there I was, going inordinately fast, on a public road, in a marked race car.  I think my whole life used to be like this.  Moments that seem too big or too crazy to be real.  I'm very upset they have become so infrequent.

Saturday was . . . interesting.  But not impressively so.  Which I mention mostly as a literary element, a segue to the next section.

I skipped church on Sunday.  And that's the first time I've missed a Sunday somewhere in 3 months.  In the strictest sense it was intentional, but that doesn't tell the whole story.  As of Saturday night, I had every intention of going to church the next day.

Now to fully frame this I have to explain that I stayed up way too late on Thursday writing a blog post.  And then got up at 7 to go spend all day running around in the sun at an amusement park.  Despite being pretty wiped out I stayed up relatively late on Friday helping my brother, and then got up early on Saturday to go to a local MMA gym.  I spent Saturday afternoon doing quite a bit of intense yardwork, and then stayed up late again reading this book that has me totally fascinated.  Despite all that I set my alarm and went to bed expecting to have a typical Sunday.

When I woke up the next morning I was exhausted.  I tried to tell myself that I needed to get over it, that church is more important than any of that.  But then a thought hit me.  I remembered how I'd felt last Sunday night.  I remembered how I hadn't heard a peep from anyone but Nick and Rachel all week, despite a number of reason I knew I should have.  And I just realized I didn't want to go to CIL.  I didn't want to be there, around those people, feeling fake and unconnected.  Had I bothered to reach this conclusion early I could have found somewhere else to go, even if I figured I wouldn't be crazy about it.  But as it was, I just went back to bed.

I truly was intent on spending time with God on my own, but . . . I didn't.

Now this brings up a number of points:

1) No one from CIL has contacted me about not being there Sunday morning or Sunday night, so I really think that seals the deal.  I'm pretty sure I'm done there.  This is a very scary prospect.  It means I have to find a new church, which is quite a daunting idea.  I could try GodWhy, but from everything I've heard, I just think I need to be somewhere else on Sundays.  Remembering my previous canvas of local churches does not bring me much hope.  I really can't think of anywhere else close that seems appealing to me.  And I can't afford right now to go far away to church. And even if I could I don't like the idea, that makes it harder to easily live with people, which brings up another element.  The people from CIL were the ones I had been spending the most time with, so as it stands I've lost most of my friends, with few prospects for quantity replacement.  Maybe I should move.

2) I've mentioned it before, but I'm absolutely sure I'm not as gentle as I used to be.  I've become much gruffer lately, if only in my thought life, and I don't care for it at all.

I could have easily skipped the gym on Saturday morning and slept in, but I didn't.  As you'll recall I'd had a few "fight" themed dreams the previous week and watched Fight Club on Thursday night.  I was raring to go.  And Saturday mornings at local MMA gyms are a buffet for a guy like me.  The gyms are full of over eager, over egoed weekend warrior types who think a few training sessions make them skilled fighters and that fighting is a great way to complete and enrich their empty soul sucking lives.  And people who don't know much about fighting think everything is determined by size.  Some of these guys don't even ask what training you've been through.  Its almost too easy.

And that paragraph right there explains most of the problem.  I don't like thinking like that.  I don't like that I wanted to go at all.  I don't like how I framed those guys, instead of just recognizing them as in need of Christ.  This is why I often think of giving up fighting and never going near it again.  And other things, just . . . ways I recognize I use to be gentler.  And I don't like it.

3)  This book I'm reading about the Ark of the Covenant is stealing my time and attention.  I'm hoping to write a little bit on it soon, as well as the other book I just finished that was great.

4)  Most importantly, I'm not where I need to be with God, and this made me realize it.

Why didn't I spend time with God on Sunday?  Why wasn't I doing everything I could to make it happen?  Why am I nervous about finding a church?  Why am I freaking out about money and a job and everything other thing under the sun?

Because I'm disconnected.

I don't know how it happened.  Functionally everything is pretty much the same, its like just the depth is missing.

And today was interesting.  I was doing more yardwork before I went over to Jeff's and I was thinking about all these areas of my life that I just feel completely lost in, and I realized I'm not sure the last time I heard from God.  And all this stuff is weighing on me, there are all these questions.  And I haven' heard anything.  I should.  And I know its my fault.  I don't know why it is, I don't know what to call it, but even as I sit here I don't want to go spend quality time with Him.  What a freaking disaster.

To make matters worse, I've had dreams about Heather three of the last four nights.  Thursday and Friday night I had dreams where we were reunited, so real that when I woke up I was surprised to remember reality.  And then last night I don't even remember, I think it was an argument.  The important things in all this are the effects.

Chiefly, I don't trust my dreams anymore, perhaps even my spiritual ears at all.  Specifically in regards to dreams though, it just seems I've lost whatever gift I had.  Sucktastic.

Also troubling is that I've found myself thinking of Heather recently.  Even when I told Lauren and Katie the whole story on Friday night, I was fine.  (I did think it funny they both said she'd call).  And mostly it was a passing thing.  But today . . . I feel like I've missed her and longed for her and thought about her all day.  And I hate it.

I am sourceless raging self-anger.

Seriously, I'm not in a bad mood.  I think I just need sleep.  Really I know better.  I need to spend time with God.  I need some answers.  I need some provision.  I need to hear His voice.

I'm not there yet.  I hate that I still get afraid of things.  I hate that I don't live completely on love.  I hate that I don't like any route I see and I still keep hoping and yet I doubt at the same time.

"In all things" right?  Let's get this show on the road.

"God can you hear me . . ."

I've been writing more lyrics lately, which is good because I went through a bit of a drought there. Now if only I could actually will myself to pick up the guitar and put them to something. Or find my keyboard I'm pretty sure I gave away. Having that would be a help.

I should really be in bed. Getting up at 7 for 6 Flags is gonna kick my butt. I feel so old sometimes. I didn't use to need this much sleep did I?

I got to thinking today, with good reason, about whether or not new readers, who seem to keep cropping up, will fully understand certain things I write. Ideally everyone who starts reading the blog should go back and start from the beginning, there's a lot contained there. While some of the elements have played out now, some things have lasting significance, sometimes in ways I don't even mention (props to anybody who can come up with one). The particular element I was thinking of was my mention of the dreams. The spiritual importance, or lack thereof, of dreams has been a concept in this blog almost since the beginning, but without knowing that, some people could just find mention of the dreams . . . odd at best. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to counter this, and I thought perhaps linking to relevant posts, or using the tagging system I did at the start might help. Any thoughts?

BTW, I've never gotten far into that book I started reading on spirituality and dreams.

Today I was thinking more about my second post last night, partially in response to a discussion I had with a friend this morning. While writing last night, I really just kind of flowed from all the things I wanted to say in a message/sermon. And in the end there was one essential element missing. I didn't fully discuss the subject of need. I'm not necessarily pointing this out as a bad thing, I'm simply . . . making the point. That an essential element to the topic of grace is the fact of need. We screwed up. We all chose hell. We have all needed to be rescued. Now there is certainly a lot more to say on this topic, I really just wanted to point out that I was aware of it, and you should be as well.

My talk this morning also involved some back and forth about whether or not appealing is even a good strategy in regards to witnessing. The question is whether or not it is right (not good) to make any attempts at a softer presentation to spread the gospel. The opposing reasoning is indeed sound.

Consider: Jesus was perfect. He was sinless. He was unbelievably likable and good with people, so much so that He could call someone out for their sin, and have them thank Him lovingly. And yet He was killed, for rightly saying He was the Messiah. By the very people who were expecting Him.

And I found myself wondering today, as a result of my talk, why should we expect any different. Now I don't believe this means we shouldn't reach out. It doesn't mean we should abandon culturally relevent presentation. But it does beg the question, is there ever a reason to "hide" or "sugar coat" certain elements of the truth, in order to get someone to listen to another part? When I put it like that, the answer seems obvious, but its not. We obviously can't expect everyone to listen to the truth, even if we get them to hear it. Jesus said people would hate us on account of Him. And we have to be uprgith in regards to the truth, we can't budge because the truth isn't up to us. Its not ours to change. So where is the intersection? And what does this look like practically? Does it even matter, or is it something that only serves as a comfort?

There's obviously an example, which is Christ. Our model for everything. The idea in which our very name is found. Christian. "Little Christ" "Christ Ones" That is what we strive for, and this is no different.

But for some reason, that answer doesn't feel complete, and perhaps it isn't. Maybe their is no magical formula, but rather knowledge of the quesiton itself settles it. "As long as you remember the interplay of those forces, you'll be fine."

Alright . . . so who's gonna hook me up on a date? And do I even want to go?

I'm going to bed, my brain makes me tired.

The Good Thing About Grace Is . . .

How would you finish that phrase? Think about it now.

I have ideas circulating in my head for messages/sermons, and I have previously refrained from sharing some of those thoughts here, but tonight I can't.

Tonight at CAKE we talked about the story of Noah's and his big boat. My attention was piqued because just today I began reading a book about the Ark of the Covenant.

Towards the close of the evening, a video talking a bit about TOMS (the shoe company) was played and offered as an answer to some pictures of barbarism and suffering that had been shown earlier. The idea was to get an initial picture of the wickedness of our generation given the opening of Genesis 6 where God decides to wipe humanity from the face of the earth. But Noah is righteous, so he is saved. And then TOMS was used as a corollary to Noah's righteousness. Indeed outright stating that God must be pleased with that picture in comparison to the awful things our age of humanity has produced.

I'm a supporter of GodWhy, both in principle and in practice. I believe in reaching out to seeker's and the un-churched and the anti-churched. But I'm about as theologically conservative as they come, to the point of clashing with traditionalism in some cases. Now those two things don't have to disagree. One of the great discussions of Young Life is the means of culturally relevant presentation of an unchanging message. That Christians must be willing to do whatever it takes to get people to hear the Good New. But if that news is changed, the mission becomes worthless. What's the point if the message changes. And I'm pretty sure a line was crossed tonight.

As soon as the video played alarm bells went off. I was concerned that this was the selected video as a display of modern righteousness. But I waited to see if more came of it. And then as the post video discussion happened, that's exactly where it went. In the end it only barely felt like anything having to do with a church. It felt more like a community organizing workshop or something. Not everyone, but here people were, including leaders, lauding the greatness of the deeds, without regard for the person's relationship with Christ. And that bugs the heck out of me. And scares me.

Just as I was figuring out what I could possibly say, the girl in front of me quickly jumps in and says it all so much better than I ever could have. She points out that salvation is not secured by works, and that it is faith in Christ alone which reinstates us with God. It was succint, it was not academic, it was diplomatic. And the response was that it was totally understandable to have that view. We're not talking about views. We're not talking about opinions. This is as basic as theological facts get. We screwed up. We're destined to die, but God comes and paves the way and says, "Please, turn around. I love you. Just come back."

In 2005 a team of researchers from the University of North Carolina at Chapil Hill's National Study of Youth and Religion released their findings. The most important finding was that most teens, while self-identifying as Christians, were indeed not. Most teens actually ascribed to a new cultural religion called "Moralistic Therapeutic Deism." An excellent article describing this religion and the reactions to the study can be found here. Why is this relevant? Firstly because I was just discussing this very idea last night with Rachel and Nick and Katie. We got to talking about our parents religions beliefs and how much their own theological smorgasbording, when combined with relativism and universalism and social justice theory, gave rise to this new religion. While not practitioners themselves, our parents birthed this beast. Jerks.

MTD is identified by five main points, two of which are significant to our discussion. Number 3 is that "the central goal of life is to be happy and to feel good about oneself." and number 5 is that "good people go to heaven when they die."

The last of these is an odd amalgamation of universalism and works based salvation. "Yes there is a God, yes there is a heaven. And everyone is welcome. If you're good, you get in."

And here it comes. A big ole load of truth. MTD is full of crap. Universalism is impossible to Biblically support, and works based salvation is only slightly less so. Put them together (i.e. MTD) and you're just rolling around in a big load of . . . well . . . you know.

Tonight during Transformers, there was a part where Shia LeBeouf's character says that he knows something will work, and when questioned why he respons, "Because I believe it will." or something like so. Then the music swells and the scene changes is. And Hollywood establishes the shifting recreation of truth based on belief as truth.

And I'm here with happy news. Truth is not subjective. At best, truth with a little "t" can be perspective based, but even a relative difference in what two people consider as cold will not change whether or not the temperature is actually so. And the bigger the "T", the bigger the Truth, the less flexible it is. And no matter how much Christianity wants to appeal to outsiders, or even that Christians want to not deal with hard truths. They are what they are. Or I supposed we could believe that 2,000 years of tradition, based on thoughts and writings of Jesus' contemporary's and their intellectual descendents did not indeed produce truth. I'm sure Brian McLaren has finally really stumbled on the truth.

The worst part, the worst part about this, is that we're not even changing for the better. There's a part of me that understand's the alternative possibility of leavign out information that may put off certain people. I can understand and agree with not touching on certain subjects or ideas until someone already has a certain amount of faith. But the problem here is that covering up this truth, or even worse, changing it, does not improve anything. It destroys.

At the creation of the world, we, people, were so close with God we could walk with Him daily. Every single day we were in His physical presence, which is impressive considering all matter and time and space are dependent on Him, so His physical presence is really only an interpretable projection. Nevertheless, we were there. And then despite having no reason to doubt or disobey God, we break the one and only rule there is. And in doing so, place ourselves in a state of separation from God known as "Sin", with the accompanying symptoms of "sin".

And a works based salvation, universalist or not, paints a picture of a God saying, "well . . . there you are. You're welcome back . . . if you can make it." We think we are doing Christianity or humanity a service by casting the light as,"dont' worry what you believe, just be good."

But the truth is so much more beautiful.

The good thing about grace. The beautiful thing about grace, is that we chose to seperate ourselves from God. We wronged Him. And instead of leaving us there, or telling us to make our way back. He comes running and screaming. He comes scrambling out of heaven to fix our mistakes.

The beautiful thing about grace is that God says, "I love you so much that I refuse to leave you where you are. I'll do all the work. Just accept me."

The beautiful thing about grace is that it means God came down out of heaven, to climb into the mud and experience every terrible thing man could create. To bear its weight. Because He loved you so much He couldn't stand to be away from you.

And every time that hammer fell upon those nails, it was your face that He saw. Whispering, "this is for you my beloved."

You cannot earn a love this grand.

The beautfy of God's gift of grace, is that because we can't earn it, we don't have to.

He takes care of everything, even though its our fault. And all we have to do, is stretch our arms out, and accept it.

And how much better, how much more beautiful, how much more loving, is that, than the idea of "being good."

We can't do such a thing. But that's okay. We don't have to.

Our debt has been paid.

And you can't earn a love that grand.

Did we just go in a giant circle?

Just got back from Transformers (super b-a) and Josheb and I are chilling together.

I got talking to Brian online, which is always good because it centers me back around on that virtue I treasure and strive for so dearly, but can so easily lose. Honesty. And where it goes easiest, inside. I just quit examining, quit being introspective. And suddenly I end up somewhere I didn't want to be.

I know I need to write a blog post. I know I haven't done it in about a week. I know that's not good for me, and its not fair to you all. I know I have a lot to say. I also know that its all getting stuck, and I'm having trouble writing. And I know that I should go to bed, because its already late, and its gonna be a long weekend.

Part of it, part of what makes it so easy to go on, is the lack of feedback. I have a rough idea of how many people are reading this, some very regularly, some with more casual interest, but the amount of feedback I get is sparse. Really people, part of the whole point of this for me is that its easier than covering the same ground multiple times. This is a conversation. Emails?

Holy crap, I actually had to go back and read my last post to remember how long it'd been. Well nutsors. I could have sworn I wrote something after that. It would help if the date weren't wrong, I wrote that on Wednesday, what's the deal Blogger.com? Are you tired?

Thursday was a trip. Literally and figuratively. I got up way early and was still running late. So I drive to White House (see: the other side of the earth) to pay a bill for my mom and then rush back to GodWhy to print some stuff and meet the people for the meeting, who it turns out can't go. So I leave late and head up to Westmoreland, by myself. Not the plan, but its okay.

I think its safe to say the meeting went very well. The educators and adminstrators Phil and I met with seemed very receptive to the idea of 912 Park, and were very helpful in terms of offering ideas and sharing what they saw in Westmoreland. I've gotten a few reports back that everyone else thought it went well to, so kicken. Phil and I then went over to Park to meet Jenn and Lauren to go over the interior paint colors.

Skipping the rest of the play-by-play, we'll just cover importantness. On Friday I went to a party with an old friend of mine, which was pretty heartbreaking. Admitedly humorous at points. It reminded of this thing about myself, where sometimes I make jokes for no one else, and I think they're pretty good.

Saturday was a lonely day, which came into heavier play on Sunday.

Sunday was . . . interesting. Church was . . . interesting. The worship itself felt disjointed for me. I just couldn't get into it. Couldn't let go. And I had the hardest time paying attention during the message. The afternoon was interesting, but I can't remember why.

Sunday night was . . . just curious. A number of people were missing, which was understandable given that it was Father's Day. But there was a far more pressing thing on my mind. I felt terribly out of place. The whole time Dan was teaching (Aaron was spending time with his family because of some busy weeks and traveling), I just felt . . . like I was in the wrong place. Like I wasn't wanted there. And it extended out from that. I won't give details, but when I left that night, I was discouraged about every single friendship I've formed at CIL. On the way home I was making a list of other churches I could reasonably try out, and come up with very little. But that's how bad it was. And it hasn't really gotten any better.

Part of it is this interminable phenomena of couples spending every single second of free time together. Good gosh what's the deal. In some ways it makes sense, because there aren't more significant friendships there, and I'd probably do the same thing were I in their situation. But its just not good for anybody.

So here I am, suddenly terribly unhappy with my friendships from my church, acutely aware of how little I mean to those people, and seriously wondering if I'm getting fed from any of my spiritual connections. The combination of things left me with an intense desire for brotherhood. For friendships in general, but specifically for some good, deep, and preferably multi-sourced brotherhood. But I'm just boggled as to how this could happen. I've been aware, but been recently reminded of how much spiritual depth I feel is lacking from CIL. Which means the friendships that were forming don't go where they should, and dissolve. And really I don't know many guys from GodWhy that I can see myself hanging out with as much as I had been with the CIL people. And I'm not sure I know anybody that I feel comfortable, or even on plane with, to really go deep with them. This is not a good position.

Monday and Tuesday were really just more of the same. Dealing with those feelings, and with others. Tuesday night, however, was great.

Kairos was incredible. The worship was stellar, just picking me up and carrying me away. And Mike's message was as good as ever. And yet I had trouble paying attention. I had trouble taking notes. Its like . . . I don't even know what its like. But I think something is wrong with me. The closing worship, however, was unbelievable. Once they gave the dismissal . . . nobody left. Imagine the spirit of God, the power of the worship experience, the joy of a church, where people don't leave when its over. Where they stay at their seats and say, "no, we're here to worship. And we intend to." And so it went on.

And when I got home, I felt it. I felt that I'd grabbed hold of more life. That I'd pulled my head above water for air.

But today it was gone. And it should have been. I should be living by the vine. But . . . I think I've ended up in a bad place. I'm reading everday. I'm praying everyday. I haven't missed a day in the Bible or my prayer journal for 3 months, and yet . . . I know that these last few days . . . I haven't been where I've needed to.

Case-in-point: I'm pretty sure God is trying to get my attention. My mp3 player broke on Thursday and has had to be sent off for service. I've been feeling restless. I've had other avenues of attention stripped. I've had some things go wrong. And after more than a week of nothing, I've dreamt every night for the last three nights. Two dreams each night. Always two. But I haven't even kept a record of them.

I know Sunday night was some sort of fight scene, that felt so very real, and then a dream of sitting with Heather, talking about everything, with her being angry.

I don't remember the dreams from last night, but Monday night's dreams are of particular concern.

There was another fight scene dream. At the end of it, everything changed. I was standing face to face with a lovely young lady. A slender blonde in a purle shirt. She stepped towards me and I took a step back, falling over as she fell on top of me, and then she leaned in to kiss me. Before I fell I asked her what her name was. And she told me.

So then on Tuesday night, at Kairos, while we're leaving I see a girl in the crowd I think I recognize, so I peer through the heads to get a second look. She's blonde, wearing a purple shirt, and I've seen her face before.

And I didn't go and ask her what her name was.

What the heck?! What's my deal? Why do I feel so funky and out of sorts? I thought I was pursuing. I've been to at least 2 and usually 3 church services every week for 3 months. In that same time I've been daily in the Bible and my pj, and I've been better about praying over a longer period than I've ever been. So how the flying flip did I get here? What's going on?

So what about girls? And what can't I ever quit worrying about that? Because my wife is out there somewhere, and I miss her terribly. I'm daily reminded of my desire for her, and the things I am looking forward to. I cannot wait to bow down and worship with you. I cannot wait to speak so softly and tenderly in your ear.

God has given me no direction with Amber, which probably is a direction. And I'm totally okay with that. But I can't seem to let go of desire. Part of me wants to go really old school and starting asking people, "hey, know anyone who'd be interested in guy like me? Anyone I'd be interested in?" Dear God, why don't you just get this over with?

On the upswing, the last few days have been very good for my self-esteem, for reasons I cannot easily identify. I'm an offering and I know it. I know what I'm worth. Not as a matter of pride, hardly, simply true humility. The admission of the bad, with the recognition of the good.

What is the Lord teaching me . . . well I'm glad you asked, I'd like to devote another post to that. So as I close this one, let me just say I don't think this is well written. I think it is choppy and incomplete. I think I touch on grand ideas I should probably expand on. I think I've left things out. That's what I get for starting late after going a week without writing.

"The easy way out"

I was inspired for the title by something a friend wrote in a blog, but I'll get to the real relevance later.

It's been a pretty crazy few days. Monday was . . . largely a blur, aside from going to play volleyball that night, which was a blast. Amber was there. I acted totally awkward. I think I should get an award of some sort.

Yesterday was great. After putzing around during the day (i.e. housework, music-writing and listening, reading, videogames, and 912 Park research), six of us met at church to go to Kairos together. And it was incredible.

The worship was fantastic. They did a number of songs I'd never heard, which can unfortunately throw off your groove, keep you from getting lost. Not last night. I was a goner. Just me and God.

The message was astounding. Mike read from 1 Corinthians 5:12-20 and talked about self worth. He talked about the price God paid for us and what that says about our value. And he placed special emphasis on what that worth means in terms of dating.

I'm glad to say that I've let loose a little lately and have been doing a lot of thinking. And indeed some of it has been about Amber. See I realized I was in a position where discovering what I wanted could actually help. I've gotten a few things that seem to be God telling me to pursue her, including one that was kind of over the top. But I realized yesterday that I need to have different standards. See I'm not sure if pursuing her is what I want, but I think there is actually some value in figuring it out, because it makes a difference as to what standards I use to determine God's will. See, if something lines up with what I want, then it requires more care, meaning more/bigger signs.

Anyhow, to totally put it out there, one of the things that inclines me to say no on the whole Amber thing is I don't feel like we're on equal footing spiritually. She is a believer, and she seems to have a heart that really desires God, but when I talked about successful prayer efforts and hearing God, she expressed it as a desire. Now this is all just my impression, and its not necessarily bad. I admit a part of me would like to play a role in her expanding faith experience. But I don't know what I want, and I don't know what my place is.

But I'm pretty sure that if I don't want to pursue her, I should be, because I've probably got enough weight behind a message from God in that case. And I kind of think that's the way things are. So I started thinking about why I was acting so weird around her. And outwardly I was really just trying to be accommodating. I didn't want her to feel pressure or attached because of the date. But indeed I think I erred on the wrong side. I don't think I properly expressed interest, or even cordiality.

And whether its God or just my own heart, I was just rejecting it all and looking for "the easy way out." To not have to deal with whatever was there. I'm irked by the irony of how often "the easy way" is anything but.

So tonight I was talking to Zane on the phone for a while and he was telling me about this girl he went on a date with, and mentioned she had an older sister, whom I asked about. He immediately asked me about Amber. And I told him, I don't know if I want to try and talk to her more to see if something develops, and partially in consequence, but much more importantly, I don't know what God wants.

But the real interesting thing about all of it is that I'm kind of in a dating mood now. Kind of. Part of me wants to wait until I'm more established. Until I have this completely self sufficient life that would make a more impressive presentation. "Here's my ministry(ies) and here's how God has made me/makes me capable for them." "Here's my job" "Here's my friends and my church" "Here's my relationship with God, and my out of control love for Him. Here's what it looks like when I worship. Stand beside me?"

But part of me wants to date. Likes the idea, likes the newness, the discovery. Too bad my standards are so high. And I have nowhere to meet anyone.

Tonight I was doing dishes (by hand) and I just realized. I'm really happy. I feel collected and appropriately confident. I want a girlfriend. I feel like I'm an offering instead of a taker now. And I'd like to share that. I'd like to have someone to care about at the end of the day, and have her return that.

On Monday night I did a private worship time, which was the first time in a while (stupid, I know). One of the things I read was the story where Jesus is anointed by a sinful woman while eating at a Pharisees house. Then tonight at CAKE Jenn referenced the same story. She also referenced the passage from Matthew where Jesus prays at the Garden of Gethsemane, which Aaron used on Sunday, for a different message. So that's two passages I've showing up twice in the same week.

CAKE tonight was about friendships, and about how to see and care for others. And I'm tempted to say this was just God wanting to get my attention for this listen. But two things strike me about this.

Firstly, it doesn't seem significant enough. I think I can safely say I'm not that far out on this lesson, so putting so much effort into getting my attention for this almost seems a waste. I feel like there's something bigger.

Secondly, I have to admit I'm a little disappointed. When I first noticed the corollaries I was rather amazed. But then I kind of felt let down. I still have all this need and desire in my life. I still have all these things I'd like God to provide clarity/direction/provision on. And He's "wasting" time on teaching me this goofy lesson I don't seem to need that badly. Don't You have better things to do with our time?

At the same time I know about lessons I still need to be learning right now. Discipline when things get better. Absence of fear. Perservernce. Trust.

On the way home from Stephen and Shandi's I was thinking about how I saw people. How I loved them. I realized I could do better, I've wanted to better for a while, but its not that I don't care. Its not that I don't love. Some of it is still having needs of my own, but what plays on that, and is more significant on its own, is that I care about the relationships themselves. I just can't seem to get all wrapped up in my friend's hopes and dreams, but I do want to hear about them, and pray through the hard times together. I want to be in their lives and have them in mine. But for me its more about the relationship itself. Maybe I'm just kidding myself.

One area I know I'm a terrible person is this: the other night Jenna and I were talking. I was telling her everything I could about Heather. About meeting, about getting together, about breaking up. I'm not sure how we got to it, but I told her I knew Heather would flip if she found out I'd gone on a date. And very unfortunately, a part of me wanted her to know, perhaps still does. What matters is the choice right?

The Lord is my shepard. He will take care of me.

"I went to get my masters . . . as a doctor."

What do I say about today? Today was one of the best days of my life. I'm not sure exactly what size pool we are talking about here . . . I just know it is, or was. Whatevs.

My head is swimming. I'm not sure I'm gonna make it through this post. I might just pass out right here. I'm not drunk, but I've felt like it ever since I got in the car with Jenna. Holy crap I forgot how much we laugh together. It was just one thing after another.

And I laughed a lot during group tonight too. Michael and Nick and I sat in a corner together, just making goofy jokes.

And earlier too. I spent time with Stephen and his son this afternoon. He told me some hilarious stories about his boy and we made some pretty good original laughs. During the meeting for 912 Park as well, we were just cutting it up. At one point Stephen beat boxed and I free-style rapped. No lie.

And worship this morning was great.

Okay, so weird little aside. Last night I was praying, and I prayed if God wanted me to "pursue" Amber. You know, just continue to show interest, get to know her, blah blah. And I open my Bible to Psalm 112. Don't really think much of it because it doesn't say anything that seems real clear.

So then this morning we have a special guest speaker at church who preached on receiving the favor of God. And while talking about receiving moving from the battle to receiving blessings, he suddenly opens his Bible to Psalm 112 and reads the first few verses. Uh huh . . . I'll give a minute to pick up your brand new bricks you all just crapped out.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for any amount of time should really pick up on the significance here. After being in a period of fighting for a while, I hear this preacher give this sermon which in part says that God wants to move you from the battle to the blessings, and then uses Scripture God gave me just the night before when I prayed about possibly pursuing Amber. And it ties in with the Ten Minas thing from a few weeks ago and . . .

Okay so along last nights themes, are you ready for this? As soon as I get in the car I'm thinking, "I wish you hadn't told me to pursue her, I have no idea what to do." Yup. I get what I ask for, and then I don't want it.

I am outrageous insanity.

So on the way back I suddenly turn to Jenna and say, "Holy crap, I was supposed to get married yesterday." I'd totally forgotten. I'm not sure when the last time I thought about it was. So then Jenna makes me tell her the whole story, from meeting to break up, because I'd been a terrible friend. And when its over Jenna says she bets Heather contacts me within a year of the break up. Whoever loses treats the other to a night out. I'm gonna be so expensive.

So we talked about it a little more, and I shared some things I didn't know I was feeling, and thoughts I didn't know I'd had. It was good.

So then Jenna and I talked about Amber a little, and we both reached the same conclusion, which was wondering how to show I'm interested, without pressuring her or overstating my attachment. Conundrum.

So as I was driving home, taking some time along the back roads, I was thinking over my day. And I realized how many points today I just felt like me. Really, really me. And I'm not sure how long its been since I've felt it so much. So strongly. But it was wonderful.

so its the night time. And its the right time . . .

I've been writing more in my prayer journal the last few days. Something is coming. Some big blessing. Some woman, some job, some learning point from God. I want to be ready.

"And so it is . . ."

Damien Rice - 'The Blower's Daughter' - I have no idea of the significance, I just can't get it out of my head. I think there's something related, in the feel.

Alright well, I'm going to a bit of how my night went, but really only as a means to a greater purpose.

We went to the drive-in tonight, in celebration of Emily's birthday. A bnuch of people met at Cheddar's for dinner, and then a smaller group headed up to Franklin to catch the movies. Its funny, because last night when we were out, I felt like Amber was diggin me, and then tonight . . . well, it seemed definitely not. Nothing particular to put on it, aside from a general lack of communication, which just contributed to the vibe.

Now I want to make something clear. Yes, I like Amber. I think she is great and I would appreciate the opportunity to pursue her, but the idea is not consuming me. I don't want to make it seem like that's what was on my mind all night.

What is important about it is this: I think I'm insane. And here's why:

When Heather first broke up with me I thought that if I only knew how it'd turn out I'd be fine. So then I THINK I hear God telling me how it'll turn out and then I'm upset because I don't see it turning out that way, or being able to participate. So then God calls me to participate, He says, "fight for her." And then I'm dissatisfied because 1) I don't see any results and 2) I discover I don't want to. And when i feel I don't want to fight for her, I suddenly don't like that thought either and "recommitt" myself. And then I just sort of stop doing it. So then I meet Amber and God tells me to ask her out on a date, so I do. And I was so ready, from the time He told me to do it until early today, to just say, "It was a great night, and she had a great time. If I never speak to her again, that's good enough." And then I get around her again, and all of a sudden I just want to know where I stand. Does she like me? Should I pursue or leave her alone? Where do I draw the line between showing her I'm interested and not pressuring her?

Its such bullcrap. Whenever I get somewhere, I always wish I was somewhere else, and usually its where I was before. "Oh if only I knew the end result, I could handle the steps in between. Oh, well if only I could just not look past the step I'm on right now." Its freaking crazy.

I know everyone does it to some extent. Its the nature of devloping a thoughtlife. Its part of the struggle of following Christ. Its mastering instincts, and emotions, and desires, and putting them to rest to let God and His will be your only reality. But it just feels so . . . I just feel crazy.

Additionally tonight I noticed that I'd been acting rather goofy lately, which I'd say most people who've known me well in my past would more closely associate with the real me. And I didn't like it. And that combined with my awareness and consideration of my feelings about wondering whether or not Amber liked me, led me to that far more quiet, reserved, deadpan place. And when I got there, I didn't like it. I felt like a dud and I felt out of place. Great.

Indeed I felt out of place most of the time tonight. Like I didn't belong. Like every interaction, like being there at all . . . . I don't even know how else to put it.

I seem to recall that a few weeks ago I'd managed to just shut my brain off so I didn't think about this crap. I miss that. But I'm sure if I get there again I'll just wish I wasn't there. Again.

Yeah, my life should be a movie. Jamie's told me that. Sams and Chick have told me that. Joy, Kyle and Dave. Tons of other people, some important, some not. And right now it just seems like a joke. At the same time all of this stuff and wondering about my place with god and what He'll do and where He wants me to go, and I still feel like its just boring. Even while I'm overly dramatic.

I just realized I'm not in a good mood at all. I'm gonna do some very heartful praying, cause I feel like crap. I'm not even entirely aware of why. I mean, I've gone through everything weighing on me right now, and yet I can't say I should feel the way I do.

So its time to remember, its time to hear:

It's easy, Jesus is on the throne.

Craziest day ever? And, oh yeah, Date Night

Yesterday was one of the craziest days of my life. My day began at 6:30 am, after a good 3 or so hours of sleep. Glenn texted me and asked me if Amber and I were going out tonight, which I'd already told him yes, I guess God just wanted me up.



So I decided to go to the gym and spar for a little while. I broke a guy's nose. This joker decided not to wear a helmet because he was 6'2" 205lbs, and I'm 5'9" 160lbs, so he was overconfident. I got a good double in his midsection, causing him to draw towards in pain, leaning in. Just as he did I came in with my right elbow and caught him on the bridge of his nose. Saweet.



Then I drove to Hermitage to go to the bank, closest Wachovia to my house is 30 mins away. Nice. I stop to buy a new pair of pants on the way back and then clean my car out when I get home. Then I rush over to meet Stephen, Shandi, Jamie Lea, and Jenn to go visit 912 Park and look at the facility. You know you're in Westmoreland because our driving directions included "Stop at the Hardees if you need to use the restroom." (The bathrooms in the building aren't ready yet, still, its the idea of it.) We stayed there for quite some time, touring and examining. Talking about issues and possibilities. We laughed a lot and found ways to save money and still get what we want. I'm happy about what's going on there.



So I get back and have to run home to grab stuff I forgot, and while there I get a few phone calls which take up time, and then I'm on my way to meet everyone at a local waterpark. I get there about 30 minutes later than I figured I would and say high to everyone, including a slightly awkward high to Amber. So we line up to do my first attraction of the day, and we're all standing in line talking, except Amber goes and sits at the side of the pool to watch. And then Mike turns to me and says something about "my girl" and going to sit with her, and everyone else joins in on ribbing me. And I realize. She's into this.



See in addition to the anxiety of the last few days, the text message she sent me just said "hanging out" so I didn't know if she was intentionally downplaying the date aspect because she didn't want it to be that or . . . yeah, so. Now I'd hardly call her "my girl" as Mike did. We went on a date. I do like her. What's important is that it wasn't just me being excited, and she was well aware it was a date, and was still going.



So after having a great time at the water park we head back to my house to change. When she walked out . . . she looked absolutely stunning. She's gorgeous. And she looked great in that dress. I was absolutely blown away.



We drove down to West End to eat at Blackstone, which is an upper-midscale resteraunt and micro-brewery. Dinner was great, chatting, flirting, and eating too. Then we drove back dowtown and walked 2nd and Broadway. I took her to Nashville's Big Bang Bar. Big Bang is a dueling piano bar. Two guys play piano and sing, requests, goofy songs. They brought people up from bachlor parties or brithdays and sang some very funny, though vulgar songs. We had a great time.



alright, so those are the technicals . . . but how was it?



I thought it was great. The conversation was easy and enjoyable, and the few short pauses there were felt fine. We flirted. She was playful and fun and good gosh is she funny. She's very witty and keeps up like you wouldn't believe. There were a few nice moments of holding eyes. It was all around just great.



And then when I took her back to Dan and Alissa's she hugged me and told me she had a great time.



So there you have it. No idea what comes next, if anything. But she's a great girl and I had a great time.



I tried to spend some time praying and worshiping last night, but I was so tired I fell asleep very shortly after getting home.



So now we'll see.



God is so good.