"Are you there God? Its me, giraffe."

If you don't recognize the title, or even if you do then go here now. This video is hilarious, and will feature in later.

I'm trying to pound this out before I head to Knoxville, but there's some stuff I just needed to get out.

I recently gave in to a pretty strong urge and did some fighting. Which went okay but I became painfully aware of how terribly out of shape I've gotten. So today I decided I was going to go for a run and do some muscle building jazz.

The day was going okay, but not great. I had run some errands, and was doing stuff around the house, just generally feeling pretty okay. Most confusing was this really weird place I hit mentally. At some point I was thinking about everything, and over this thing Emily said once, about being able to feel if someone loved you or not. And I hit this place of just absolute assurance that Heather did not care for me at all, and regarded me as a mistake. And I was okay with it. Kind of. There was some unidentifiable feeling nagging at me inside:

"Are we getting somewhere? Are You doing something? I feel different but not necessarily right. Please Papa, show Your love show Your will. I want to hear You, I want to obey."

So I spent some time acquiring a decent amount of new music, and then went for my run. I could feel before I went that it was going to be tough, but that it'd be good time with God. As I ran I tried to just listen to Justice and clear my head. Just let everything go. As I rounded the bend down the street I became aware of this feeling in me. I've thought about this before. But here it was again, I was embarrassed that I was not fighting my hardest for Heather. I was ashamed. And I felt convicted that I needed to be. I pictured Heather hurting, wondering why I hadn't come after her, even if she wasn't admitting it. I mulled it over for a second, and started asking God if I should contact her. But then I changed my mind, my focus was still going to be on just letting it all go. So I prayed for God to take her off my heart and mind. But of course it all came back. So I prayed again. and so on.

As I came to the end of the run I started thinking about the stages of death video. At some point I realized I feel like the giraffe at the end. There's a slight recognition of how things could be worse, but its still a pretty desperate position and there doesn't seem to be much hope. Yeah.

I sat down for a minute to read my Bible in the sunshine before I took my shower. On a whim I decided to take God up on the feeling I had. I asked Him if He wanted me to contact her and I opened my Bible. I was on the first page of Hosea. I close the book without reading anything and hopped in the shower.

So now I'm ready to leave, just about. And I was thinking back over it all, wondering if I could still consider it all coincidence, if it was still just my own desires reading into things. So I told God if He wanted me to fight for Heather He needed to give me something more. I closed my prayer journal entry with this:

"I don't know what you actually want. I am blind and deaf. And dumb. And wounded."

Whatever, I plan on dealing with all of this by finding a cute girl at Zane's birthday party to make out with. (Not actually)

Here I go, with a nice batch of new music to scream my lungs out with.

"No one dies in the last gust of the storm" (part 2)

I have a confession to make before I continue. I don't really like watching TV, but there are a few shows I really enjoy, and one of the is a FOX show called "Fringe." Its kind of dumb, and a little campy (a little bit of iffy sci-fi and some overacting), but its very entertaining. The main characters are all likable, and it has a great plot, which is engaging enough to make the show more than mindless escapism. I was watching the most recent episode, and one of the characters was ruminating on his father having gone crazy. "I always looked at my father's mental illness as something he did to us. I never though of it as something that happened to him." Hmmm. I think that fits somewhere in my life.

So what about today?

Today has been a very interesting day. I awoke finally feeling like I wasn't completely under a cloud, but pretty soon I could feel it looming, so I committed myself to a prayer project. I wasn't going to think about Heather at all. I wasn't going to miss her, I wasn't going to work through anything, I wasn't going to figure out if and what God was telling me about how it will turn out. Whenever anything remotely resembling one of those thoughts was in my head I was just going to pray until it was gone. And it kind of worked. There was a somewhat interesting consequence though. Whenever, and I mean every time the thoughts came back, they were always positive. They were always, "Oh, you weren't wrong" "She will be returned" so on and so forth. And then I just prayed those away. I really can't afford to think about it, at all.

And yet I don't feel like I can stop. If God is really telling me what is coming, if He's saying we will be reconciled, or that we won't, there is a reason for it. And I want to be in on it. But right now my eyes are murky and my ears just ring. So I have to ignore it until God gets fed up and clobbers me over the head. Or at least that's what I was thinking.

I am so incredibly thankful for Bonnie. She is an amazing person and has done more than I can say to make me feel a part of the CIL young adult group. And tonight was no different, though there were points that shook me up pretty good. I'll get to all this in a minute, let me walk you through it.

Last night as I was getting out of the car I told Nick that if we didn't meet with Aaron today God really might kill me. So as we were leaving from disc golf he tells me we're meeting Aaron at 5. Now I'd already been feeling like I needed church and worhsip instead of my GodWhy small group tonight, and already being over at CIL made my decision easier.

The meeting with Aaron went really well. I told him about God calling me to Bangladesh, and what we were thinking for the trip, and we also talked to him about the worship service idea. He was really supportive on both accounts but told us to play it cool and take our time with the worship service. After that Nick and I made a "to do" list for Bangladesh and divied some responsibility.

Worship tonight was more subdued than what I've grown accostumed to lately, but that was great, because it got me thinking. It got me thinking of what my best worship times ever were, and I realized a lot of them happened at Lake Champion, surrounded by 50 people I loved with Christ, with just a guitar and maybe a jimbay. No chairs, so you stood or knelt or laid down and cried out. And I got to thinking about the Thursday night times we did in college, and I had this thought. The success of the service we're looking at doing will everything to do with the presence of the Holy Spirt. It will succeed or fail based on God's work, and how much we chase Him in doing our part.

And as soon as that though hit me I began to recall what Bonnie and Rachel had said the night before. They felt like the needed it now. So if the need is there. If there are people who want to worship. If there are people who want that service, and a God who wants it to be, and people who want to bring those things together . . . why wait? Why not do it and let it grow, or stay and thrive, on nothing but God's blessing? Good freaking question.

After the service we were sitting around talking, kind of waiting until everyone got motivated to go hang out elsewhere, and I sit down and chill, and a few people come over, and then get up, and then its just Bonnie and me. And Bonnie tells me she has a confession to make. She's been reading the blog. She said she felt guilty after I'd mentioned no one around here reading it and said if I didn't want her to read it she wouldn't. But I've come to realize this isn't my project. God wants me doing this. So its not up to me who is a part of that.

A few of us go have dinner together, and then Bonnie gives me a ride over to the park to play four square. But we head to the wrong park first and kind of get talking, and then she misses the turn and we keep talking. And she was asking me about things with Heather, and the like. At one point she just has this rush, and as she fights back tears she talks about her and her ex fiancee and how sure she'd been, and this revelation she'd had. It was about how she knows she wasn't wrong, but that there could always be more. That now there was another path. At first she seemed to be saying one just led to the other, but as she talked more it came out as the path being adjusted.

When she first spoke I was really struck. I had this sinking moment where I was thinking, "Alright . . . that's it. God spoke and its done." I mean here this message just comes out of nowhere, to the point that when Bonnie was done she was surprised with herself for having said all of it. And it shook me. But as I thought more about it I had a realization, one of the type that involves something you already knew. God is never surprised. He didn't spew root beer all over when Heather dumped me. "Well crap . . . didn't see that one coming." Before He said "let there be light" He knew how that day would happen. And God's while our choices can equate to a different plan, God never says what will come and then changes it. Now I've come to realized I couldn't have been wrong about Heather. There's no way. There was too much stuff shouting and I was too with Christ too have messed up everything from when we met to when I moved out there. So what does that look like now?

Here's I see it. 1) Nothing's changed, this is just a season of our relationship that will end in reconciliation. 2) Nothing's changed, she was a path to get me somewhere else. This is the least likely because it asserts God essentially lying. It would mean that God says, "Here, this is your intended" knowing it isn't true. 3) Something has indeed changed.

The only times in the Bible God's plan changes is when people are punished for sin. And the only real example I can think of is Moses. Moses was supposed to enter the promised land, but he screwed up, and got kicked out. So . . . has my inheritance been taken away because of my sin? Because of hers? And if any of this is true, does it mean anything has changed?

And does any of this make a difference? No. After going through all that my mind is still pulled in every direction, and is no closer to seeing God in one. That we will be reunited and that will never speak again are both possibilities that I cannot grab to and recognize as truth.

But coming back around full circle, I was discussing what I mentioned earlier with Bonnie. One way or another is looks like God is trying to tell me where this ends up, which means He wants me to be doing something about it. And I was saying at the bottom of it, it really seems God is saying its not over. But that I couldn't give myself to that idea. Bonnie asked me why. I told her because I was scared it was my own desire, but deep down she'd struck a nerve. I can cover it up and say that, if God wants to heal me and move on I don't want to delay that, but what is it really?

I am afraid.

"You have to learn to never be afraid again."

Yeah. I am not there yet.

But how can I be? My assuredness of knowing God's will has been soiled and stolen. If I go against that will, surely there will be consequences. So I'm right to fear. Right?

This is the disaster that is my brain.

So what's the controlling thought?

Do I really trust God? I mean really, really trust?

I'm not worried about money. Sometimes I do, sometimes I cry to God about when He's going to step into that part of my life, but its not a constant worry, its not even common. I trust He will be there. I don't care about my credit score, I don't care about how big everything looms, my God is bigger.

But underneath it I can't shake that feeling . . . like there's something I'm missing. Is it that I'm not hearing Him? Is it that I'm not trusting? Is it that I'm not doing what I know I've been told to? Maybe its my unmedicated OCD. Maybe its not.

Through it all Job did not sin against God and praised His name. Will we be these people? God is great and mighty and good. When the sun rises tomorrow, there will be worship. Are you going to be a part of it?

Update: Another terrible post. Most of the points are not fully flushed out and overall its very disconnected. I want to beat the living bejeebees out of something, maybe I'll go spar tomorrow.

"No one dies in the last gust of the storm" (part 1)

That phrase came back to my mind this morning. And I'm not sure what to make of it. I received it what feels like a long time ago . . . and it feels like I'm still waiting to see the shore.

I should have gotten on here and written last night. I really should have. But I didn't, and so now I have a lot to say, and less clarity than ever. Kind of. Which is the story of my mind right now. My brain has no permanent residents, just thieving tourists. Jerks.

I didn't write last night because as I walked in the door I realized everything I wanted to write was depressing and miserable. So I didn't write. And I didn't worship, because I'd done that already and I was pissed at God for giving no visible comfort. And I didn't do much of anything. And as a result my mind just raced. And when I finally went to bed, I couldn't sleep, because my mind just kept going, and going, and going. When I transferred from private school to public school my teachers had me tested to be put in the gifted program and my IQ tested at 163. Average is 90-110 and Einstein was estimated at 171. Not only do I not feel like that is accurate, I feel like whatever is there is never good for anything except meaning it never stops. There's always another thought. Always another angle. It just never stops.

So what happened yesterday. I think it actually should have been a good day. I think I should have had wonderful things to write. I was feeling a little zapped from my sinuses and the medicine, so the day was a drag mostly set to the sounds of Before Their Eyes while rereading my favorite parts from Mutiny on the Bounty and Far From the Madding Crowd (perhaps the best fiction book ever). My mind was a mess, and my prayer journal reflected it. I won't go over the ground, its all been said before. Misery, blindness, supplication for comfort, for anything. Nick and Rachel pick me up a few minutes late and we swung by to get Bonnie on our way to Kairos.

I sometimes get upset with people because our society has lost its sense of wonder. People, myself included, pride themselves on a particular type of humor that involves understating or being unimpressed with an impressive feat. Historians find it impossible to believe that Xerxes could have had an army of 2 million soldiers, or that a few hundred Spartans could really have faced such overwhelming odds. Because we have changed our minds to reject what is astounding. By and large I thought I avoided this pitfall, but it turns out I am very wrong. I think my sense of amazement has died in the last few weeks.

Why do I think so? Sometime Sunday or Monday I was thinking of how I'd been looking for confirmation on some things, and it seemed God had not provided. And then I had a mini-revelation: I wasn't giving it enough time. So I said well . . . just wait and see, you don't need answers right now. Then on Monday night I felt it the first time. It was like I could hear it. "Tomorrow night at Kairos . . . there will be something." Now I'd also been struggling with wondering whether certain Scriptural revelations could really be considered interpretive. I mean, some things seem pretty clear cut right? And then on Tuesday I could feel it all tying together. "Go tonight, all these things will be spoken to." So I went.

After the singing portion, how did the service start? Mike brought up a young man whom God had prompted to leave his job and go serve. And the guy told a little of the story, and then Mike gave everyone the guy's email, and then he told us why. "Because at some point, he's going to doubt he heard right, and he needs to be reminded." I leaned forward in my chair when he said it. Really? I thought about dismissing it, but that nights entire message was about the supremacy of the Word. The reading was again from Revelation, the next sequential part, where John eats the scroll of scripture. That was the message. I wrote down this "quote": "Reality is not determined by how you feel, or circumstances, or what everyone around you does or says. It's the Bible." That's two weeks in a row God told me what was going to be talked about at Kairos before I got there, because they were things I needed to hear. The first because my heart was clinging to sin, and the second, ostensibly, because I was doubting and needed encouragement. But do I listen? Am I amazed? Am I struck by the awesomeness and left with nothing to do but adhere? No. I have lost my sense of wonder.

Another thing stuck out to me from the message, Mike touched on what he had talked about last week and a thought struck. The warning signs. God gave me warning signs about what was coming with Heather. He gave me multiple dreams. Were they indeed warning signs, meaning He didn't want it to happen, or were they visions of an inevitable. To Him those things are the same, but to me . . . its the difference between something that can be set right, and a consequence which may have no end.

The last point I want to bring up from yesterday should also be a reason for amazement, yet it only barely gets at me. Mike mentioned Jeremiah again. He was talking about how implementing the Word is hard and bitter, and how just like Jeremiah, you'll often find yourself as the only one. The one preaching against, to a nation full of people who don't want to hear it.

The other night, when God led me to the intro of Jeremiah, and told me I was reading about myself as well, there were two thoughts I had but didn't share. And one of them is relevant here. It was that same message of preaching against. And here it is echoed. Here there is confirmation. But what do I do with echoing and confirmation these days? Dismiss it. Its too loud to hear, and too bright to see.

On the way home I was fairly absent from the conversation, I was trying to keep my head in that place. I was trying to listen, I was trying to hear what was meant for me and what was my own creation. As we got near to dropping her off Bonnie gets my attention and says, "Don't worry, you'll get through this." All I can think when she says it is, "is that what I want? No. I don't want to get through this." I wasn't thinking I wanted to be crushed under the weight, just that . . . I didn't want to be on the other side of this and not have Heather. And that's how it sounded to me. What made that worse was that earlier in the day I got a message from Jill saying the same thing. "This is normal . . . after the miserable period it gets better?" Gets better? These things . . . all we are talking about is things being made better by the passage of time. Not God's miraculous touch, not restoration, not new 'wealth.' I don't want to get by. I've never wanted to get by. I want to thrive.

I'm still hurting because I love(d?) her deeply and its normal and it should hurt but . . . getting by? I heard the messages of the storm and the fire. I'm mining this for every bit of purpose and potential its got . . . and the past few days, since Sunday, its just felt done with. Like it had just become heartache with no purpose, and yet no healing.

Titles are important to me. For the songs and poems I write. For papers. For blog posts. So I was putting a little too much effort into summing up everything I was going to say in this post in just a few words as a title. And in doing so I went back through this notebook I do all my rough writing in for lyrics and poetry. Some other stuff is in their from at Lake Champion, but nothing big. Except. As I'm flipping pages I noticed a few lines in quotes, on a page all by themselves, so I stop and read. What I was looking at was a record of one of the many times God spoke through Heather through glossolalia and I understood. Part of it was speaking to her, to insecurities, and part was to me, a promise. That she was indeed mine. Great.

Harder

Things seem to be getting harder for me, which is rather interesting considering the promise I got the other day.

I didn't tell anyone but the other day I thought I might be dying. I was watching the show "House" and my ears perked up when the patient had a set of symptoms identical to things I was experiencing. I won't say much more, but it was a fairly upsetting day. I dealt with it for a while, but then decided to look it up and realized there were perfectly simply combined explanations that did not lead up to a life threatening condition. So that's good.

But now I'm having my regular sinus trouble, which I put up with in return for never actually getting sick. Last night it was so bad I was dreaming I was lying awake coughing and tossing and turning. Then I woke up and took some medicine, just so my throat would not hurt so bad I couldn't sleep.

Writing the blog is getting harder. I don't really feel like doing it, but I make myself because I always feel better afterwards.

And the circumstances of my life are getting more difficult to handle.

Still I worship. Still I praise. But I wrote in my prayer journal tonight during my worship time, that I'm not sure I can continue to live like this. Its hard and it takes a toll. And it just doesn't seem to add up.

All of today was just up and down. So many twists and turns, and I felt like my brain went everywhere and ended up nowhere. I kept missing Heather, and I kept praying for it to go away, and it didn't. There was a point where I felt like contacting her, so I turned to God, asking if it was Him, got nothing. We'll see.

I found myself in a crappy state of mind, so I went to God again. I spent about an hour 1/2 in worship tonight. I listened to music for a while; singing along, reading the Word, writing in my prayer journal. Then I went back and listened to the first sermon I heard at Kairos. There were two moments where my eyes shot open. One was where Mike mentioned the book of Hosea, and his efforts at redemption. The other was where he mentioned Jeremiah. Yeah, as if I hadn't seen that book enough lately, now I realize it had already come up. So what did He say. The book of Jeremiah is where God promises "restoration" to His "children." Why did he phrase it like that? Why did he use that word that's come up so much? Why did he say "children," which ties into a message God gave Heather and I together? Or is it nothing?

I realized the worst part of all this, is the death of my ears. I can't hear God. Everything I hear I doubt. Every though that comes into my head is dismissed for one reason or another. Everything is suspect. I'm so used to hearing. I'm so used to Him telling me what to do.

I started going back over things I knew to be true and I thought on the three messages I heard at the churches I'm currently involved with. The first was Aaron's message at CIL, "God hears your cries." The second was Mike at Kairos, which has many layers. The third was Jennifer talking about commitment at GodWhy. And that one keeps sticking to my brain. When I first wrote about it I talked about feeling like it was meant for her, not me, but now . . . I'm wondering. Was God telling me?

And it seems that as many things as God has tied together in my life, there are just more. Mike talked about Noah during the sermon, which is something Emily mentioned to me with some significance lately, and I've been thinking about it a lot since. And she mentioned Abraham as well, which was a reference in a New Testament passage I was reading tonight. Both talking about faith.

I love Heather. I miss her. I don't miss the life I had. I don't miss the way we were. I really miss her. Who she is, the way she . . . does everything. Does that mean something?

I wish I had more to say . . . but God has to move. He will.

Update: I went back over and read this for editing, and I have to say it is definitely the worst post ever. Its rambling, disconnected, and lots of other bad things. Including not really getting out things I wanted to say. Please forgive me. Please keep reading.

Volcano

The title is a Damien Rice song I've been listening to a lot the last two days or so. "What I am to you, is not real." So right.

Anywhos . . . I realized I forgot to mention a few things in yesterdays post. Fairly important things.

One is that when God was speaking to me during my prayer time the other day He told me to "go." Where, I asked. "Go home." What the heck? The only home I have right now is Heaven, so I'm still not sure what it means.

Also, I realized I never talked about why I chose the title I did. The other night while I was doing my private worship time I opened my Bible to read it and fell on the intro of Jeremiah. I read it and was struck by a few things. Jeremiah was this incredibly tough and solid guy who stood up to a lot of crap and did it pretty much without flinching. But privately, and before God, he wept over the task he'd been given. Not so much of having to do it, but that it had to be done at all. One line from the intro sticks out to me. "He had a gloomy message, for a gloomy time." I'm not entirely sure why or how, but while I was reading it I understood somehow that God was trying to show me similarity between Jeremiah and myself. I'm not sure exactly what they are, or where they end, but its there. One I am aware of is that rugged solidness that is quickly and easily stripped under the right circumstances.

I said in yesterday's posts I had been thinking a lot lately about my sin, and how I recognize God is punishing me in this time. What I forgot to mention were two important scripture passages He has given me about that. The first was Ezekial 20:27-44 where God declares His judgement against Israel, but promises restoration. I'm not sure it would have caught my attention quite as much as it did if it had not used that word. "Restoration" Why do I keep seeing it? One interesting part of that passage comes towards the end, where God tells Israel "Then you will know that I am the Lord . . ." Why so interesting? Because God seems to be saying, "I don't blame you for not knowing now, but let me show you some love and you'll remember real quick. I am what I said, because I am." There's a lesson in there somewhere.

More importantly was what He lead me to yesterday while I was praying and worshiping. God led me to read all of Isaiah 40. But the truth of the message is found in the first few verses.

"Speak tenderly to Jerusalem and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins."

I don't quite know what is coming, but it appears the time of punishment and refinement could be drawing to a close. I'd sure appreciate it.

But then today sucked. I mean really.

I skipped church because mom's sisters and their friends were in town, and they needed to get out early. So I went to spend time with all of them and deal with that whole mess. And I don't think I made the wrong choice, but I really missed church. I'm so sad I didn't go today. But its alright, I've still got another 3 or 4 services I'll be making it to this week. What a wonderful way to live.

No formal young adults tonight, but we all met over at Dan & Alissa's again and played games and watched a movie. I don't know how to say it, but I felt out of place. And I hated it. I thought this was done. I thought . . . I don't know what I thought. But I think it was worse tonight than it ever has been.

Is it that I didn't spend enough time with God today? I hope not, I'm living hand to mouth as it is. So what? Why do I feel this? Why am I moving backwards?

I hope God comes soon. My praise is true as ever, but my heart is weak. Soon He will have to deliver.

"See mother, I make all things new."

a figure of bronze, dissolving into tears (part 2)

I grabbed my prayer journal:

"I am going to pray. And I'm going to read my Bible. And I'm going to worship. Because those are literally the last things I feel like doing."

So I did just that. I turned some heavy music up very loud and started reading the Letter. After a while I grab the pj and fill about a page talking about how abandoned I felt. Yet still I praised Him. Still I recognized how good He is. Then I heard Him calling me.

I got down on the floor and played the guided prayer time from Kairos the other night. I cried so hard, but I wanted to see Him. I wanted to see my Jesus, bearing my sins. To talk to Him and tell Him my heart. And to hear Him speak. So I did. And when Mike said, "What is He saying to you?"

And there in the nothing I heard Him.

"Seek me."

Oh my Jesus, I have questions.

"Ask"

Did I hear you right about Heather? Is she the one?

"She is"

Where do I look for a job?

"Look here"

Nashville?

"No, look here."

How long God? (To what, I'm not sure, both questions weighed on me.)

"I am coming soon."

Yet what followed was more doubt:

"Oh God, have I heard? Have I ever heard anything. I cannot see for fear of my own heart. Here I am, afraid You are telling me what I want to hear. And I doubt."

I listened to the song "Times" by Tenth Avenue North about 7 times in a row. Just crying and reaching out for my precious Jesus. Picturing Him there on the cross. So sorry for all I've done to put Him there. Then I slept.

The next morning was a disaster. I felt rotten when I got up, and my mom was in a foul mood (she took the day off work to clean up for her sisters who were bringing two friends to visit). Before 15 minutes had passed in my day I had written an entire page in my pj, two separate entries. And the day didn't get on much better.

As the day continued I thought about some of the scripture passages God had led me to. And I realized I was being punished. My heart had become black. My sin had become pervasive. And I wasn't living for Him. That's why everything was so wrong. That's not to say Heather was right, but that God used it as a part of something bigger.

I recalled this morning that I had prayed for it. I had prayed for God to do anything to change me and bring me closer. This is me held to the fire. "You will look like Me," He says.

I don't know when we got home, but I didn't want to do anything. I felt just as bad, if not worse than I had the day before, so again I worshiped. I spent from before 10:30 pm until after 2 am just singing along or listening to worship songs, and praying, and writing, and reading my Bible. It was such a wonderful time.

There were hard parts. I prayed asking God whether or not I should ever let my heart move on from Heather and I opened my Bible to the Sermon on the Mount, first section heading on the page, "Adultery." I wrote in my pj, "Its hard to trust You like this. Everything is truth and everything is lies, and everything is just nothing."

I read a lot of Job, even copying some of it into my pj.

"Naked I cam from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised."

I spent a lot of that night asking God to forgive me. I was led to many Psalms to that effect, and I read them aloud, crying from my heart.

I spent the last hour just in worship and prayer. It started with this entry in my pj:

"I don't feel like worshiping. My heart is broken. My stores are empty. My health threatens to fail. All You have given You have taken.
Still You are worthy. Still I praise."

So I did. And I loved every minute of it.

After I was done I caught Cannaan and Zane online. They both asked me how I was and I told them,

"The last two days have been miserable. Nothing has been right, outside or inside. And nothing has improved at all. But I am so joyful right now. I've spent at least half my waking time the last two days in worship and prayer, and I'm not sure I've ever been closer to Christ."

Cannaan asked me how I was handling everything with Heather and looking for a job. And then I said something I've been waiting a long time to hear.

"It sucks. I hate it. But I wouldn't change anything if it meant I'd lose where I am with Christ. I wouldn't trade this for anything."

This is me thankful for the storm.

And it continued today. I spent most of the day alone. In prayer, in worship. Listening to prayer times and sermons from Kairos. Listening to a playlist I compiled of very, very mellow and soft worship songs. Things for private, deep times. And I'm so joyful.

The last three days, I've learned so much about my relationship with Christ. So much about how to rely on Him. How to be in hard times. How to come to Him. How to spend free time even.

When everything sucks and you don't feel like worshiping. Do it, because that's when you need it most. That's when your relationship comes down to commitment and promise. You don't do it because you want to. You don't do it because its easy. Its hard as hell. But you do it because you said you would, no matter how bad it hurts. This is what you signed up for. Didn't anyone tell you about the cost of discipleship?

Tonight as I was spending my time in worship I grabbed my Bible to read it. When I looked down it was at Song of Songs 5. I didn't even acknowledge it. I just flipped for a new place to read. I don't make anything of it. I won't unless one day she contacts me. Except . . . there's one thing that haunts me. While I've been doing this I've been looking forward, knowing I have to learn how to live like this. How to hold on in the toughest of times.

I've been thinking of how I would act when I got upset when I was with Heather. I wasn't upset with her, but sometimes she'd feel that way. But all this . . . . I've seen part of the man I really am. That when things are at their worst I don't need to get upset. I don't need to push her out and be fussy. I need to grab her and say, "Things suck. Let's worship." And turn down the lights, and put on some music and hold hands and bow down on our knees before the Lord.

And I try to picture that scenario with anyone else. From this girl I saw at Kairos the other night, to a faceless substitution of the unknown future Mrs. Frank. Trying anything. And without her. Without Heather kneeling beside me. Her little hand in mine. Her soft sweet voice singing quietly. There is no picture. Nothing forms. It just dissolves. And maybe its just that I can't picture it now in the wake of my broken heart. But its depressing. And honestly I hope its real. I don't want to be so naked before anyone else.

My thirst grows daily. I desire the Lord worse than the deer pants for water.

Hear and trust. No matter what. God is good.

In Revelation, as all hell breaks loose on earth, worship continues in heaven. And the faithful left alive on earth remain so. And as the God-less cower and ask for the rocks to hide them from the wrath of the Lamb, those with the seal of God come out to worship. Can we be so? Are we prepared to worship as the world crumbles? As the very foundations shake with earthquakes, and war and famine and disease spread? What about when we are given to defeat by the dragon? Will we be able to stand and worship?

If not we need to get ready. God is good. He is worthy. And He never, ever changes.

a figure of bronze, dissolving into tears (part 1)

I don't want to be writing. I'm not sure I want to be doing anything. But if I don't write a post now, I'm not sure I ever would again. ::insert hefty sigh::



Anyone know where the title comes from? Its a quote from J. Oswald Sanders in regards to the prophet Jeremiah. Why is this relevant? I'll get to it later.



So why don't I feel like writing? Why haven't I written in 4 days? I'm not totally sure. Some of it is that I didn't feel like I had much to say. I was swimming in the same old thoughts I've shared every time. And wondering why I'm back among the same old weeds.



What I can say for sure is where it started. Wednesday was an interesting day. Didn't end up meeting with Aaron because he needed more time to prepare for church that night. Also didn't talk with Jennifer more than a few minutes because it turns out I didn't know what I was in for at GodWhy that night. It was "Get Plugged In" night, which means every ministry in the church set up a booth in the main space to let people see what they do and give them a chance to get involved. Holy crap. It was a freaking party. There were a ton of people there and free food and general craziness. The CAKE (young adults) group in the back was hanging out dancing and joking and playing Mario Kart. I got hit on . . . 3 times . . . which was . . . whatever.



One great part was when I walked in a guy named Adam was sitting at a table by himself. Last time at group was when Jennifer did the "fire for purity" thing. The night closed with Adam sharing a story about this church he worked at and what happened as to why he is there no longer. Its always crazy to meet people who have been exactly where you have.



I didn't get a chance to talk to Adam that night so when I saw him at the table I sat down and shared with him my own experience regarding the church in South Carolina. We spent a few minutes talking about the similarities and how we dealt with it and what we gained as a result. And then we went our separate ways. It was good.



Humorous awkward moment. We had to all sit down at one point while the pastor of GodWhy got up and talked, and there were so many young adults with so few seats we were all kind of packed in. So this woman walks in and sits down and knows the girl I'm sitting next to. And due to our proximity, asks if I'm the "boyfriend of the week." Then she turns to me and says something about not worrying, that Jamie will dump me in a week. "I kind of doubt that," I responded, smiling awkwardly. I chalked it up to general awkward weirdness. But the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. This woman should never have said anything close to what she did. Not only did it make a glaring and uncomfortable assumption, I can't imagine how hurtful it was to Jamie. Now if she's a seeker at that church, my comments are reserved and withdrawn, but if that woman knows Jesus . . . . So I had to ask, do I ever do things like that? Do you?


I've been thinking a lot about my sins and the mistakes I make. About what kind of man I really am. About how I treated Heather. There's been lots of introspection the last few days.



As I was getting ready to leave GodWhy, Rachel called me and said everyone from CIL was going to get ice cream and then to Brittany's aparment to hang out. I quickly said goodbye and left to meet up with everyone. I'll skip over most things except to say a dilmma was actually doubly solved. Not only did I have the weekend of Zane's party wrong, Bonnie was going out of town, so no ballet. I thought of seeing if someone else wanted to go with me, but I couldn't really imagine who so I skipped it. I thought maybe I'd go shoot guns to make up for it.



Jonathan was a Brittany's, which I liked because I like him and its good to get to know him better. But at one point he turns around and starts asking me questions. "What's the hardest part?" he asked. I told him it was feeling like God was still saying Heather was it. And then he said it. "yeah, I felt that way too."



This is blistering pessimism.



I had fun that night, we all talked and laughed. I really did enjoy myself. But I've been acting different ever since that moment. Rachel even noticed and asked me about it the next day. And its affecting everything. I have no resolve in what I feel God has said in that area of my life. I've taken to praying for something that isn't of my own mind. Something that stands outside the influence of my desires. Then today I realized something terrible. There is no such thing. Everything God could say in the affirmative would be subject to the doubt of it lining up with my desires, and thereby being nothing more than a product of them.



Its affected how I act too. Kolby and Nick and I went to play frisbee golf on Thursday. On hole 5 I had an absolutely incredible shot. Made the basket from a rediculous distance. I didn't celebrate. At all. I didn't even smile. I commented on it. "Is it weird that I'm not excited at all?" What's worse, is that I kind of liked it. Being so deadpan. Something about that appeals to me. An unflappable appearence. The cold objectivity of knowing the shot was just luck. Striking delivery of jokes with no hint of cracking a smile. Is this a new me?



And it ties into not writing in the blog. It ties in to never wanting to get close to remotely liking another girl if I am to move on. It ties in to wanting Heather to call me just so I can ask her to leave me alone. Something in my heart desires that closed off-ness. Something I refer to as the Unclimable Mountain. Its sick. I hate it that I like the idea of this girl I know from around here liking me, that I would not date, even if I weren't still in love with someone else. Not that I do anything to encourage it (or do I?). But . . . yeah. This is part of the darkness of my heart. I want to be dreamt of being known. With no result.



Not entirely though. I finished that because its somewhere I was, but as I write it I'm aware of another thought. I want Heather to know. I want her to see me and know me as she once did. I want her to desire that depth, that intimacy of spirit, and to receive it. The idea of letting anyone else see my heart the same way makes me sick. What a mess.



Yet my distrust grew. Wednesday I was in turmiol. I spent a massive amount of time with the Lord when I got home. Hours. Three times I asked Him about Heather again. Three times He gave me verses that seemed to say, "yup, still haven't change my mind, don't plan on it either." (John 9:35- Ch 11, Isaiah 49:5-8, and the intro of Jeremiah). So I prayed, "if this is so, do something else to confirm it. Help me overcome my unbelief." Which is a quote from Mark 9. Then I go to read more in my Bible. And I open it to Mark 9. 3 times in a row. And what I wrote in my prayer journal, was not elation, but depression. Things were only worse now. So I stay up very late reading. Sometimes reading passages, sometimes seeing where He led me. And at one point when I was thinking back over everything He led me to the parable of the Ten Minas, which is a passage He used to tell me to pursue Heather in the beginning. I won't quote what I wrote in my prayer journal, but it was not happy, and it was not clean.



I'm not sure how late I stayed up, or what scripture I read right before I went to bed, but this is the way my prayer journal ended that night:



"Please hear me.

Forgive me Father, I have sinned against You.

Restore me, Father.

Please."



That night I had a dream. In it Heather and I were reunited.

I woke up feeling terrible. My body ached, my mind was lost in terrible thoughts. I wrote in my prayer journal. I prayed. But I refused to open my Bible until almost 5 pm. I kept praying and writing in the journal all day. Two pages of how I felt. And how the way I felt had not changed, despite prayer.

I was alone that night. Mom was at work. Brian was at work. Rusty was at work. I milled around for a while, feeling pretty miserable and lonely. Finally I'd had enough.

I decided to worship.

So full its empty.

Why do I feel the way I do right now?


Great freaking question.

I had a terrific day. I made progress on some stuff. I talked to a number of people. I spent time with God. I did some stuff for my mom which she really appreciated. And God moved in some amazing ways. I can't figure it out.


I felt the same way this morning as I have the last 3 or 4 mornings, which was waking up with what felt like a factual assurance of Heather contacting me to reconcile (not that day, but as an eventuality). Its tough to describe any differently. But just like everything else having to do with that I've been pushing it out of my mind.


So then some stuff happens and I find myself living under a cloud. My mind is pushed towards sinful thoughts. My heart is kind of ugly. So I decide to live out of it. I cleaned the kitchen for my mom and emailed some people I needed to get in touch with. And God turns around and blesses me. I get an email from Joy that has some great stuff in it. Some just catching up, and some stuff speaking to my heart. I mean right to it. Speaking to exactly where I had been. Feeling kind of sinful and tempted. And Joy sends me this quote from the Gospel Primer:


"I should expect everyday to encounter circumstantial evidence of God's commitment to my dying. And I must seize upon every God given opportunity to be conformed more fully to Christ's death no matter the pain involved.

When my flesh yearns for some prohibited thing, I must die. When called to do something I don't want to do, I must die. When I wish to be selfish and serve no one, I must die. When shattered by hardships that I despise, I must die. When wanting to cling to wrongs done to me, I must die. When enticed by allurements of the world, I must die. When wishing to keep besetting sins secret, I must die. When wants that are borderline needs are unmet, I must die. When dreams that are unmet seem shoved aside, I must die."



So . . . yeah. I can't begin to say how thankful I was. And a little surprised. Getting things at moments of struggle. God just keeps doing stuff.


Nick and Rachel and I went back down to Kairos tonight. They were doing a reversed service tonight, because of the subject matter. Which I found extremely interesting. Mostly because God told me what it was going to be. I went with my brother earlier to run a few errands and while we were driving I could feel God speaking in me. He told me that Mike's talk that night would be about sin. And about coming out from under it.

So I don't think much of it until we get off the interstate, at which point I come back to it and dismiss it as just where my thoughts had been. Pretty much the mintue we sit down Mike starts in. And it quickly becomes apparent that nothing in my life right now is happenstance. Everything is connected. Everything is God working. Everything is crazy. Everything is calm.

The first . . . the very first thing Mike does is talk about "little guy," who is heading down the road of destruction, missing all the stop signs. Really?

The readings are from Revelation 8 & 9, which I was actually reading just a few nights ago. I know, but I'm not even phased anymore. So Mike talks about how Jesus unleashes all theses horrific things upon the earth, and how at every place He gives people time and opportunity to repent. And they don't. By this time everyone has made their choice. But our choices are now. Our roads are now. And the time for repentence is at hand.

So you may have picked up on it, but when I noticed that Mike was talking on exactly what I knew he would, I wasn't amazed. I didn't feel anything. Which is kind of crummy, because I should have. And I'm not sure I get it. I mean, when it was over, during the quiet prayer time I thought of all those things that need to die. Of all those sins I need to give up. I thought of how neatly the package was delivered to me, and how important it was. Of how I should be awestruck and feel my heart ripped at for repentence. And I just didn't.

Its not all bad. When we started singing I did kind of get a handle on what I was feeling. It was grace. I just felt . . . God saying that it was okay. That if I just said it, He'd deal with it and everything would be fine. And I believe it.

What's crazy is what I don't believe. While I was sitting there talking and listening to God during prayer time He spoke to me. In a combination of an image and some thoughts. He pretty much said, hey, Heather is going to contact you, here's how you're going to feel, here's how you're going to act. To make matters worse, when I get home I come awash in the idea that Heather would be contacting me soon, like perhaps tomorrow. And there's stuff that ties into my prayer and reading time after I got home.

I get home from Kairos and I pray a little and then go to open the Word to hear from big daddy G. Where do I open to? Jeremiah 32:26-33. So I start reading, without realizing where I am, until I see the next section heading. Its Jeremiah 33, "the promise of restoration". Really?

See, the night before I met Heather I was praying to God and then I opened my Bible to Jeremiah 33. The promise of restoration.

And then, when I'm praying to God about the idea of pursuing Heather, while at Lake Champion, among other verses, again, Jeremiah 33.

And the day after she broke up with me, when I went to do a reading. Jeremiah 33.

And I just remembered that often when I write in my prayer journal about this I speak of God "restoring" my "inheritance" as He called it. Crap. I want to curse and I'm not ever sure why. Am I angry? Am I rebellious? Am I amazed? Am I anything?


So I ignore it, like I'm doing with everything regarding her right now, and I go to read something else. I'm flipping through pages when God says "stop." So I do and I'm reading Luke 8. Which is funny because the other night when I was asking God about the idea of this service He lead me to the same place. So I read on a little bit. And next is the story where Jesus calms the storm. And shortly into 9 is where Jesus tells the disciples anyone who wants to follow Him has to deny themselves and daily take up their cross. And next is the transfiguration, which Emily and I were talking about yesterday. And then is where Jesus heals the boy, where in the Mark parallel the father asks to have his unbelief overcome. Is anybody seeing it yet? EVERYTHING in my life is tying together.

And as I wrote that, I was noticing just how much of everything that ties together in one place. And the craziest part. On the way home tonight I was going back over things and I was wondering why I was so out of sorts when we were in the car and hanging out at Fido. And I heard God say it. "I'm preparing you." Which is something Emily talked about with me yesterday. So . . . everything.

Another piece of what came from tonight was something Mike said, about taking responsibility. And I do. Heather said some things and attributed some things to me that are not true. And handled things in a way I find to be not the best. But ultimately what happened is my fault. I led the choices that put me in a vulnerable place spiritually. And that, really, is where things came from. Everything else is just consequence.

But it can't just be forgotten, because now it has become something real, so God still has to deal with it. And right now I still feel helpless.

Sometimes I think of doing something that ensures Heather and I can't get back together. And I wondered at why. Its because I want control over my situation. But really all it would give me is the illussion of control. And heartache. And more waiting. This is crap.

I was also thinking of why I didn' want her reading the blog and I think I nailed it down. I think its because it kind of feels like cheating. For her to have a way of "contacting" me and figuring out about my heart without risking anything or offering the same thing in return. But oh well. God wants me doing this. I like it. People are getting things out of it. And I am not afraid.

What I am is doubtful. Despite everything God has done, I still have these places in my mind and heart that say, "No, that's just you not letting go. That's just fool's hope. Move on. You can't have heard right." Am I really so unbelieving?

Anyhow, I have a meeting with Aaron and Nick tomorrow about Bangladesh and the worship service. And then tomorrow night Jennifer and I are going to set up a meeting so she can get to know me a little more, and to see about getting plugged in. Craziness.

When I started this post I was caught up in how everything, all this amazing stuff happened, and has been happening, and I gave it the title I did because I didn't really feel that much as a result. Amazingness is swimming all around me, I'm being blessed like crazy, and I just didn't really . . . feel anything. And I still had doubts, and fears, and was trying to ignore Him.

But as I went back over everything, writing it out, I got here to the end and realized I feel great. I realized I can see God. I realized He's done all this stuff. And whatever comes He is good and faithful and in control.

But I have to deny myself, and pick up my cross daily.


"Father, my heart is ready."

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

I'm writing this post in a really weird mood.  I think most of it has to do with something Emily said earlier.  She was telling me to hold onto this blog, no matter what, because it'll be great to come back and look at.  And then she said it.  "And someday Heather will need to read all this, or maybe she already is."  And there I got weirded out.  Holy crap.  What if she's reading this?  I don't think I want her reading this, even the stuff that's written to her.  But why?  I think its because I don't want her to be with me in that way.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not angry.  I'm not bitter.  I have a sweeping,  magnificent, Christ-led love ready at a moments noticed.  But its in waiting right now.  Its controlled and restrained, for my sake.

Maybe its because I don't want anyone to.  I really like it that no one I'm spending time with in person reads this thing.  I feel like this undiscovered world.  Its stupid.  Its not where my heart really is.  I wrote something in my prayer journal about the same idea almost a year ago.  Whatever.  The point is, now I'm paranoid about what I write.  Not enough to change it, but I feel weird now.

So here's a humorous story everyone should appreciate.  Last night after I wrote I went upstairs and spent just a few minutes reading and praying.  I smelled like campfire (hooray) and turkey dogs (a little gross).  I started thinking on everything God had done and said that day and then I prayed a prayer.  One that as I was saying it I realized how funny it was.  I prayed, "God, it seems you've said pretty clearly Your plan is reconciliation, and I'm okay with that.  But if you could make sure its not this week, because I'm gonna be really busy, that would be great."  If that bites me in the butt . . . I don't know what I'm going to do.

One of the really great things that may slip by in all that is something I just realized yesterday.  I was talking to my friend Dave and he asked me a question.  I realized as I answered just how much God seems to have put on my plate right now.  I need to be doing more with Him.  I need to be working on getting to Bangladesh and at least the one other country.  I need to be working on Mexico.  I need to be stepping back into Young Life.  And apparently God wants me to set up a young adults targeted worship service to serve the north side of Nashville.  And He's gonna help me get a job.  So . . . yeah.

Well crazy upon crazies, I thought I'd have plenty of time on the worship service project.  Then I get word that my pastor from CIL and the young adult person from my Wednesday night group want to get together this week.  Turns out somebody told Aaron about the idea (and Bangladesh), and Jennifer contacted me about finding ways to get involved over there.  I feel like I say this word all the time now, but . . . really?

Which brings to mind another thing Emily and I talked about tonight.  (Which, btw I'm angry Facebook deleted the convo because I was going to save it).  She was telling me these lyrics to this song that had made her think of me.  And I won't go into detail, but its was just crazy how the song reiterated a point of noticed.  Everything that happens has a corollary somewhere in my life.  Every message gets echoed.  Even things like, tonight I found out Emily goes to BSF, and the only other time I've ever heard of that in my life, is because Heather's mom is a leader for it.  Things like talking with Allisa last night and hearing her say things I've been thinking about our small group.  Things like last Sunday.  Things like . . . things like hearing the same message at three different church services and reading a Bible passage that tied them all together.  Things like Joy sending me a Bible passage I was led to the night before, and the day after.  Crazy, crazy, crazy things.

Okay . . . today started out as kind of a crappy day.  I woke up late, I did nothing I was supposed to, with lots to do.  I felt beset all day, just having these thoughts I didn't want to be having.  Wanting and missing Heather.  Focusing on problems with money.  Temptation to sin.  Lots of loneliness and unChristlike focus.  So I hit this point, I'm thinking, I just don't want to feel this way, it sucks.  So I go to spend time with God.  And I spend about 45 minutes just praying, and reading the Letter, and listening to music.  And trying to hear Him speak about a few things.  Mostly about the tasks I think He has giving me, just double checking them.  And at the end I felt so good.  I was just great.  And then God blessed me.  I got on the computer and got caught up in like, 5 different great conversations with people that mean a lot to me.  Score one for team Jesus.

But my time with Him wasn't all roses and happiness.  It started out kind of . . . frusterating.  I wrote about a half page in my prayer journal, talking about the various feelings of the day, ending it with these lines, "Please God, don't let me think about her anymore.  Don't make me.  Please Lord, erase her.  Erase these thoughts."

Then I go to the Word.  Not asking anything specific, just wanting to read.  To be loved.  But I can feel it coming.  He's going to respond anyways.  So I close my eyes and run my fingers over the pages until I feel the pull, where He wants me to open.  So I do.  And I open my eyes.

Song of Songs.  Chapter 8.  v.6-7.

Yeah.

I grabbed my prayer journal.

"Really?  I say that and You lead me there.  Again.  No way.  Freaking stop it!"

So I'm kind of in that place.  Of somewhere inside knowing there is no way I can really be screwing up His signals that badly, and yet still wanting to deny.  I had a dream last night.  A dream along the same lines.  It was long and had many elements.  But I remember the end.  I was holding Heather and we were dancing and I was crying.  But I told myself I wasn't going to transcribe it, because it wasn't important.  It was just a subjective dream.  Just my desires and memories of the day.

This is madness.

Somehow I managed to double-book myself for this weekend.  I made plans to go to Knoxville for Zane's b-day.  And to go see the ballet at the Palace with Bonnie.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do to resolve it.  But it did give rise to another thought.

I've been turning over and over in my mind how God has put me together.  And I think I can say this without a hint of pride:  I am an extremely unique guy.

I am equally excited about the possibility of going camping and going to the ballet.  I'd feel just as pleased going to (or participating) in an MMA fight as going to an art gallery or play.  I enjoy kayaking, and can cook pretty delicious high brow meals.  I read classic literature and like it as much as fart jokes and smashing stuff.  I know how many people I can take on in a fight and took 1 month to learn how to play the guitar well enough to write a song to propose to a woman at a world famous music hall.  I don't think I'm normal.  And there's more stuff I'm sure I, or even better someone else could point out.

The point is . . . well I'm not totally sure but . . . I think its this.  I started praying sometime last week, that God would gift me for singlehood.  And I don't hink He's listening.  He designed me to be a terrific mate.  But being so requires a very special kind of woman.  I've tried, as hard as I can, and I just can't imagine some woman other than Heather truly appreciating what I am.  I feel like going back and deleting all that.  I feel like it sounds boasting and desperate and stupid.  But I won't.

I won't because there's been this other thing going on.  Where God has been reshaping little areas of my heart.  Recasting them to get rid of things that were previously there.  And in every place I recognize it.  Every new awareness.  Every change.  They all seem to be things that make me better suited for Heather.  Some are too personal to share.  And all of it is too etherel to make real to someone else.  But . . . its there.  I can feel it.

And right now its kind of annoying.

Closing thoughts:

I was talking to Joy tonight and she asked me what God taught me today.  And I had to think about it for a minute.  But then I remembered this moment, right at the beginning of that time I spent with God tonight.

I was thinking of the loneliness I was feeling.  And God just all of sudden dropped a load of change on my heart.  I didn't want people reaching out to me.  I wanted to be reaching out to other people.  I thought of how many of my friends were leading club at that very moment.  And all I wanted to do was commit to calling every single one, every Tuesday from here to eternity and saying, "How was it?"

I felt led to immediately call Jill and speak to her about some things that were going on, and some just funny nothingness no one else would understand.

I wanted to call Sam and see how his talk went.

But a sore spot too.  I called Glenn.  And he didn't answer.  I haven't spoken to him in almost as long as Heather.  I keep calling.  I keep messaging him.  I keep reaching out because I love him and I want a strong brotherhood there.  But I don't know what's up.  Glenn I'd love to talk to you man.  I miss you like crazy.

God has big plans for you.  And they don't start in 5 years.  They don't start in a few months.  They started way before you were born.  and yet they start right now.  What are you doing?  How are you improving?  How are you growing?  How are you seeking?  How are you obeying?

God's plan for you is going on right now.  Are you participating?

Take that, death. (part 2)

And yet there is more to say.

When I think about it . . . I still am prone to deny what God has said. I still want to dismiss it and be afraid of having my heart broken again. Yet . . . can I . . . even now?

I was thinking of Thomas today. Of how disillusioned he must have been when Christ died. Of how he doubted so much he wanted to touch the wounds of the resurrected Christ. And I realized God is not mad at me. I have doubted, so much, so often, and He says, "Hey . . . I understand why, touch my wounds and see I am real."

I have become aware of something else as well. I tend to get pretty down about how small and weak I think my faith is. About how much bigger and stronger I wish it was. And the last few days I've been talking to a few people, and I've realized just how much better off I am than I thought. I know God speaks, and I know how to hear Him. I believe He can do anything. I believe if I can hear His call, I can throw myself at it without fear (though I still have fear in the hearing). God just builds me up, because He rocks.

This morning at worship I had an incredible moment. I was worshiping, and I noticed everyone tends to go up. They lift their hands, they raise their eyes/heads. And I wasn't doing it. I mean at times I was, but mostly my inclination of being lost in that expression was to clench my arms. To get on my knees and bow down. To place my arms over my head. And I wondered why and then I heard it. "You are a warrior. My warrior." And there it was. God just rings my ears.

What makes that even more incredible is how much that idea has been on my heart lately. Every morning for the past 4 days or so I've woken up feeling this desire to . . . fight, to destroy.

I've also been hearing lyrics lately, to songs I've heard 100 times before. And one is by this great band called Destroy the Runner. And I just heard this line yesterday: "Take my hands and turn them into weapons. Change my plans, and make them into yours. Take this man, and turn his sight from demons. All I am is wanting You more."

God is . . .

God just is!

Okay, so all of this must seem very disconnected and crazy. I'm just hyped up on God and Him being awesome and speaking and . . . just . . . yeah.

I will leave all you my dear friends with this:

We fall on our faces and say we are not worthy. But that is not true, it just used to be. The sacrifice of blood is not to cover us up. It is not to make us look like we are worthy. It is not to exploit a loophole that gives us access to life with God despite not being worthy. The blood of Christ washes us. God used the sinless Lamb to reconcile us to Himself. Washing away and forgetting our transgressions.

We are princes and princesses of the King of kings. The ruler of all. The conqueror of the world. The conqueror of death.

We have become the righteousness of God.

Take that, death.