Volcano

The title is a Damien Rice song I've been listening to a lot the last two days or so. "What I am to you, is not real." So right.

Anywhos . . . I realized I forgot to mention a few things in yesterdays post. Fairly important things.

One is that when God was speaking to me during my prayer time the other day He told me to "go." Where, I asked. "Go home." What the heck? The only home I have right now is Heaven, so I'm still not sure what it means.

Also, I realized I never talked about why I chose the title I did. The other night while I was doing my private worship time I opened my Bible to read it and fell on the intro of Jeremiah. I read it and was struck by a few things. Jeremiah was this incredibly tough and solid guy who stood up to a lot of crap and did it pretty much without flinching. But privately, and before God, he wept over the task he'd been given. Not so much of having to do it, but that it had to be done at all. One line from the intro sticks out to me. "He had a gloomy message, for a gloomy time." I'm not entirely sure why or how, but while I was reading it I understood somehow that God was trying to show me similarity between Jeremiah and myself. I'm not sure exactly what they are, or where they end, but its there. One I am aware of is that rugged solidness that is quickly and easily stripped under the right circumstances.

I said in yesterday's posts I had been thinking a lot lately about my sin, and how I recognize God is punishing me in this time. What I forgot to mention were two important scripture passages He has given me about that. The first was Ezekial 20:27-44 where God declares His judgement against Israel, but promises restoration. I'm not sure it would have caught my attention quite as much as it did if it had not used that word. "Restoration" Why do I keep seeing it? One interesting part of that passage comes towards the end, where God tells Israel "Then you will know that I am the Lord . . ." Why so interesting? Because God seems to be saying, "I don't blame you for not knowing now, but let me show you some love and you'll remember real quick. I am what I said, because I am." There's a lesson in there somewhere.

More importantly was what He lead me to yesterday while I was praying and worshiping. God led me to read all of Isaiah 40. But the truth of the message is found in the first few verses.

"Speak tenderly to Jerusalem and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins."

I don't quite know what is coming, but it appears the time of punishment and refinement could be drawing to a close. I'd sure appreciate it.

But then today sucked. I mean really.

I skipped church because mom's sisters and their friends were in town, and they needed to get out early. So I went to spend time with all of them and deal with that whole mess. And I don't think I made the wrong choice, but I really missed church. I'm so sad I didn't go today. But its alright, I've still got another 3 or 4 services I'll be making it to this week. What a wonderful way to live.

No formal young adults tonight, but we all met over at Dan & Alissa's again and played games and watched a movie. I don't know how to say it, but I felt out of place. And I hated it. I thought this was done. I thought . . . I don't know what I thought. But I think it was worse tonight than it ever has been.

Is it that I didn't spend enough time with God today? I hope not, I'm living hand to mouth as it is. So what? Why do I feel this? Why am I moving backwards?

I hope God comes soon. My praise is true as ever, but my heart is weak. Soon He will have to deliver.

"See mother, I make all things new."