"Are you there God? Its me, giraffe."

If you don't recognize the title, or even if you do then go here now. This video is hilarious, and will feature in later.

I'm trying to pound this out before I head to Knoxville, but there's some stuff I just needed to get out.

I recently gave in to a pretty strong urge and did some fighting. Which went okay but I became painfully aware of how terribly out of shape I've gotten. So today I decided I was going to go for a run and do some muscle building jazz.

The day was going okay, but not great. I had run some errands, and was doing stuff around the house, just generally feeling pretty okay. Most confusing was this really weird place I hit mentally. At some point I was thinking about everything, and over this thing Emily said once, about being able to feel if someone loved you or not. And I hit this place of just absolute assurance that Heather did not care for me at all, and regarded me as a mistake. And I was okay with it. Kind of. There was some unidentifiable feeling nagging at me inside:

"Are we getting somewhere? Are You doing something? I feel different but not necessarily right. Please Papa, show Your love show Your will. I want to hear You, I want to obey."

So I spent some time acquiring a decent amount of new music, and then went for my run. I could feel before I went that it was going to be tough, but that it'd be good time with God. As I ran I tried to just listen to Justice and clear my head. Just let everything go. As I rounded the bend down the street I became aware of this feeling in me. I've thought about this before. But here it was again, I was embarrassed that I was not fighting my hardest for Heather. I was ashamed. And I felt convicted that I needed to be. I pictured Heather hurting, wondering why I hadn't come after her, even if she wasn't admitting it. I mulled it over for a second, and started asking God if I should contact her. But then I changed my mind, my focus was still going to be on just letting it all go. So I prayed for God to take her off my heart and mind. But of course it all came back. So I prayed again. and so on.

As I came to the end of the run I started thinking about the stages of death video. At some point I realized I feel like the giraffe at the end. There's a slight recognition of how things could be worse, but its still a pretty desperate position and there doesn't seem to be much hope. Yeah.

I sat down for a minute to read my Bible in the sunshine before I took my shower. On a whim I decided to take God up on the feeling I had. I asked Him if He wanted me to contact her and I opened my Bible. I was on the first page of Hosea. I close the book without reading anything and hopped in the shower.

So now I'm ready to leave, just about. And I was thinking back over it all, wondering if I could still consider it all coincidence, if it was still just my own desires reading into things. So I told God if He wanted me to fight for Heather He needed to give me something more. I closed my prayer journal entry with this:

"I don't know what you actually want. I am blind and deaf. And dumb. And wounded."

Whatever, I plan on dealing with all of this by finding a cute girl at Zane's birthday party to make out with. (Not actually)

Here I go, with a nice batch of new music to scream my lungs out with.