Jesus is indeed on the throne

I don't . . . I'm really not even sure of what to say. It's been an amazing day. I know this will be a long post, which is funny because I write absurdly long posts anyhow. What can I say, I'm a writer at heart.

First things first, I don't think I've listened to Underoath all day. Yeah, I know. Today has instead been filled mostly with Showbread's Anorexia/Nervosa project; which is one of the best art pieces I have ever, ever encountered. They made these two albums where the songs are really designed as background music to the story of two sisters written on the CD inserts. The stories are dark and unbelievably engaging. But ultimately they are beautiful and amazing. Of course the music can be listened to without reading the stories (ideally after you have experienced it as intended) and its just . . . the stuff is wow.

Weird thing happens I've noticed. When I get really close to God, and really into my personality and masculinity, I want to curse a lot. Not in an angry or hurtful way. More in a cheering way mostly. Like when somebody praises God my brain goes "**** Yeah!" And then it second guesses itself and says, "really?" I also want to curse at/about Satan a lot. Call him names when he comes at me, things like so. I don't think this is normal. I'm pretty sure its not good, but it is what it is.

I got up really early this morning for having gone to bed late last night and then not being able to sleep. And I felt it. I lounged around for a little while and suckled on some cinnamon rolls (heck yes). Finally I got cracking and went upstairs to help my mom get the house in order. There was stuff everywheres. I'm not sure we made any identifiable progress, but that's okay.

That's how I spent most of my day. I almost deleted the blog today. I almost got rid of it all and decided never to touch it again. I had another few experiences of finding out my readership is MUCH bigger than I thought. And I'm not sure how to feel about it. My only peace in it is that I've realized this is God's doing. He got me started on this and wants me doing it. I'm not sure why but . . . the more I thought about it, the more I found myself wondering if I could increase the readership more. Maybe submit posts to websites as articles. Tell people to tell their friends. Fish on forums. God just does crazy crap. And He is doing something here.

I realized I've started to think in post writing. I evaluate how I feel as though I'm putting it on here, and I guess its working. I'm getting better at figuring things out. But today has been a crazy day.

My first prayer journal entry of the day went like this:

"Be with me God.
I'd love for today to be the day. I'd love for what I believe to be true.
But just get me through today.
Draw me near."

As I copy this down I'm getting all "heck yes" for two reasons. One is that God delivered big time. I can't even remember all the things I've had revealed to me today, much less tell all of them here. There really is too much to today.

Second is that I'm doing it. I'm doing what Emily said the other day. I need to just be focused on obeying God daily. And I had that message echoed to me from a friend yesterday. And then today, I start out my morning without even realizing I was doing so, and then I take a break for lunch. And sitting in my email inbox is a letter from a very dear friend of mine who is appropriately named Joy. The email was long and said a lot, but the relevant part can be summed up like this "it is our job to trust, and through that trust the Lord will fill you with an inexplainable peace."

I was taken aback when I got the email. When she said what she did. God has used three different people on three successive days to deliver that message. Alright, You got my attention.

And then here I discover I started doing it without realizing. Things just get better and better.

There is still so much to go.

So Nick calls me earlier today, says he is coming back in to town and heard I was hitching down to Kairos with Rachel and (a different) Joy. We'll call her dJoy. So he has decided to go along, which is great because now there is another guy going. So we meet at 5:30 and hang out for a few while Rachel shows up late and those two eat ( I already ate with moms) and then we're gone.

The drive down was good. We talked the whole way, and a lot of it was spiritual. We just all kept chiming in and adding things and sharing. It was all good ground, and it was all real, and it was all valuable. Why don't Christians talk like that with each other more?

So we get there and find our way to the new location for Kairos. And its a big improvement. dJoy decided to come separate with Katie and Becca. So we save a few sits and kick it while we wait for the service to begin. Rachel tells this story about some guy who told his wife how many pieces of toilet paper she could use. Seriously? I would love to go to work on that guy. God has stripped me of some of the aggressive elements of my personality. But still whenever I hear of a guy mistreating a girl, I just want to go town. And this is me. Makes me wonder about how Heather could accuse me of some of what she did. Oh well right?

So the service gets started with singing just a few lines, and then a few moments of silence to prepare our hearts. I'm standing there looking at the cross graphic on the screen and I hear it. "Follow me." You got it.

The band kicks up and I throw myself at worship. I get so lost. I'm just singing and focusing on God. Praising Him and feeling His love and returning it as best I can. At one point a thought breaks through though. I'm not sure Heather and I were ever at a place where I really worshiped around her. And I don't mean an emotional place. Just more of that practical decision stuff. We never went to a church or a service where I was really in it. Where I really worshiped. And this woman awakened spiritual gifts in me. Imagine what we could do. No wonder Satan is on the attack. He's freaking scared to death.

So then Mike gets up there. He starts the service with a guided prayer time. He tells us to close our eyes and he slowly weaves a picture. We start by focusing on Jesus and Holy Week in the abstract. Then suddenly he is putting pictures right before our eyes. We're in the crowd. Right there on the mount. Staring Jesus in the eyes as He hangs on the cross. Mike says we suddenly find ourselves at the front of the crowd, "so close you can hear the drops of blood as they fall in pools on the ground." We're looking Jesus in the eyes, and Mike asks what we want to say.

"Its my fault," my brain cries. "Its my fault you're there. I've done so much to put you there. Please just come down. Let me get up there."

Jesus gets tears in His eyes. He tries to speak and we lean in close to hear. Mike asks what He says.

And then God speaks to me, for the hundredth time today. "I love you. I love you so much. This is for you." Oh God what words to speak to my heart. And then, "Everything is as I have said." And I know what He is talking about. Really?

I'm so awash in everything. Mike goes on and I just start crying. Not a heavy sobbing cry. Just a cleansing, good and bad cry. So gentle and so good.

The main message was . . . well Mike talks about so much its kind of tough to boil down. You just have to be there, but it was amazing. The main passage was from Revelation 7. 6 of the 7 seals have been broken by the lamb. All hell has been brouth loose on earth, people are crying for reprieve. And in the middle of it everything stops. And suddenly every believer is present before God. Worshiping. Experiencing and in return expressing perfect love.

Then, almost at the end Mike says this is tied to Psalm 23. And then he brings it together. All troubles, all storms, every hard thing. There is no need for fear. Jesus, the good shepard, is intentionally leading us through the valley of the shadow of death, because we have to be perfect, and we have to learn not to be afraid. And every tear for what has passed, God will hold us and wipe them away.

The end message, the phrase that still rings in my ears is this: If you get picked up and put on the other side of the valley you'll just be right back at the start of the valley. You have to learn to never, ever be afraid again. My heart just exploded.

So I am lost in all this. I am so jazzed, so in love with my savior. So ready for the fight and the waiting of what He seems to have promised in my future with Heather. And simultaneously so unconcerned. So what if I'm wrong? So what if I've heard wrong? It'll be fine. And this short paragraph is huge. There is so much there. Go back and read it again. This is the culmination of everything I have written.

But the day is not over. God has more in store.

While at Kairos I had this moment. God spoke to me while Mike was speaking, He told me I needed to be back at ministry. I needed to search out Young Life in Nashville and I needed to be a leader in my CIL small group, and that I needed to speak at a service like this. And then . . .

dJoy and Katie and Becca never found us. They called us as we were leaving and told us to meet them at Fido. Fido is a super sweet coffee house near West End. Rachel and Nick and I got there and ordered and were standing in line. And I look over at these two people sitting in this botth next to the line. And the girl has a freaking Young Life sticker on her computer. I do my first ever triple take. Really God? Really?

So I say hi to her and we exchange a little info and I leave with the area directors number. I am unbelieving, and how?

We order and the three other girls show up and we all hang and talk and laugh. Then dJoy and Katie and Becca (whom I still haven't officially met, even after sitting next to her) leave. Rachel and Nick and I stay and hang out for I don't know how long. Talking about the service, talking about God. Nick and I talk about Bangladesh, and about getting a service like Kairos started on the north side. At some point I realize something amazing. I feel like myself. I am acting like myself. How long has it been? I have no idea, but it feels better than I can describe.

Longest post ever? Don't know, maybe. Whatever. What's amazing is knowing that there is stuff I left out, and stuff I've forgotten. Here are the end thoughts.

God rocked me today. I was faithful and He was more than that. He delivered big time and I'm just waiting to get up tomorrow and start attacking this stuff.

Part of me is sad that God is not speaking to me through Scripture right now, as He usually does, but hey, what I'm getting is good.

I am better than ever. There is so much good I can say I can't say any of it. There are so many things I could share, about how Christ has and is moving and shaping my heart.

Just know this. Zach Frank is back, and there is a mighty, mighty God with him.

Dirty And Left Out

A song title by Aaron Gillespie's side-band, The Almost. (Gillespie is Underoath's drummer and clean, i.e. not screaming, vocalist).

Its so good, and I've been listening to it today.

"Hello, I swear I won't be too long
Hello, I promise I'll be real strong
Wait up, I just wanna tell you
Hold up, why are you still here?

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Why do, you wanna be all listenin' to me
Why do, you spread your arms and tell me I'm free
Why do, you wanna be in my life
In my life

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Jesus, Jesus,
There's something about your name
Master, savior, Jesus

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Jesus
Jesus"

I don't know how to describe days like today. It feels like lots happens, and yet nothing really does. It all happens inside my head and at the end of the day . . . I'm not sure what any of it amounts to. I'm not sure where my thoughts lay; where they have led me.

I woke up . . . assured. After everything that went on yesterday, and having only subjective dreams last night, and waking up a few times in the night just to pray . . . I woke up feeling assured. And mostly about Heather. This is not the end. There will be reconciliation. There will be cleansing blood. Do I believe those thoughts? We'll see. Part of me does, part of me can't help but do so. And yet I still wonder . . . have I heard You wrong? And if I have heard You right, do I trust? I guess we'll see.

My mom is off for spring break this week and she was foul when I got up. Never said anything about why, but I realised how much of how I deal with problems, and dealt with them with Heather, I picked up from my mom. That is not a good things. I knew it but . . . . God what I wouldn't give to treat you a million times better than I did. Which is funny because . . . you used to tell me how great I treated you.

At least I think so. Today has been shrouded in doubt about everything. I wake up feeling assured. And I think that is my prevailing attitude, but at times today . . . I couldn't have been further from it. Oh how far she has been from my heart. Other things too, which I haven't yet brought up.

The other night one of the missionaries I've met lately was talking about this girl he knew. She was planning on going to a country near her own to do missions work. The country she was heading to is extremely hostile towards American missionaries, but "Alice" was in a much better position to do work. Some people very close to her got wind of this and did some bad things to her. And the guy I met, he was talking about how she never said a bad word of them. How gracious she was about it. And what that had taught him about true freedom. About what Christ's freedom truly looks like. Freedom from bitterness. Freedom from sin. Freedom to love with reckless abandon.

At times today I have been there. At times I've wanted to get my say. To have my chance to yell and say all the mean things. My chance to reject. But that's not my true heart.

My true heart has this love . . . this unhuman, unexplainable love. This love that cares more about fixing things than who is right. This love that wants to spread its arms wide and say, "There's nothing I won't give for you. Just let me." Oh what a love. Its too big, too real, and has too much to give to be put here. Oh Heather, if you could know this love. You used to.

At times today I've been covered in doubt, trying to convince myself I'll be better off if I beg God to release me, if I can convince myself I've been wrong all along. And at times . . . at times what's happened seems like it couldn't be a smaller obstacle for my big God.

I talked with Emily earlier today. And I talked with her about Sunday, about how it made me feel. She told me I couldn't give up. That this wasn't reason to doubt what I've known. It just means I still have to wait. That I'll get healing here. That I'm not ready.

Sometimes I think I am ready. Sometimes I know I'm not.
Sometimes I think there is nothing to be ready for. But I have to trust. She just feels so far away. Like it never was.

I started making a mental list today, which I may post at some point, of everything God's ever done to say Heather was the one. Everything He ever did to say it was right to be with her. Everything He's done to say its not over, no matter how it looks.

Sometimes I believe it. Sometimes I just feel foolish.

But I think I have to be. I think of Christ. Of how much He loves everyone who hates Him. Of how He just calls out to them and cries and does everything He can to say, "I love you." Even for the ones He knows won't hear Him. There's this song by Waterdeep called "Foolish Love." Its this guy talking about this woman he loves. And how she rejects him. There's this scene at the end.

"I imagine sometimes Jesus is a lot like me,
When the woman he loves says she thinks she loves him to
He just gets real quiet and looks down at the ground
Because until she says she’s ready there’s nothin’ much He can do

Except stand there in His foolish love
Flowing out His veins
He’s got some kind of foolish love
Soaking wet in the pouring rain

And He will come like the spring rain, watering the earth"

I was evaluating myself earlier, about how I feel, and where I was and I'm in the right, and where I'm wrong. And I doubt it all. I've received so much encouragement lately. And I think . . . I look at things and think I know . . . but do I? Did I really tell you how much I loved your taste in music, how much it fit you? Did I really offer you my itunes gift cards so you could replace everything you lost? Was that me? Did it happen? Did I used to ask you what I did to make you feel that way when you told me? I think so. Does it matter? There are some faults and mistakes I know all to well.

I was so ready. I was so ready, and then . . . all these little decisions and I end up far way from God and what I had crumbles under the weight. But promises were made. Words were spoken, by God Himself. Can I go on? Is everything as I once knew it? Can I believe? What was I? What am I now?

This is why I don't do introspection.

I think . . . I think maybe there is a test here. What happened, part of what happened is that last time God made promises, and then stood far off, and said He was, literally. And now I'm in the same situation. Can I do this? We'll see.

Then again maybe I've been wrong about everything. Maybe my best love is letting go.

"No one dies in the last gust of the storm" Let's hope so. Let's hope the last gust is upon us. I am not sure how much more I can take. Everything is in ruins.

I wanted to get away from everything and everyone tonight, and you know what is a great idea, skateboarding without health insurance. But I hadn't been in years so kick butt. I drug and dusted off the old crummy board, which was so nice back in the day. It was good to be there.

Dear Anonymous who left a comment on yesterday's post,

I wish I knew who you were, and I hope this is what you were looking for, because I really don't know. I don't even know if my thoughts continue from yesterday, or what my thoughts are, or if I have captured them in this long and quote filled post. I hope so. For my sake.

I had a moment earlier. Everyone was gone and so I spent some time screaming along with Underoath and screaming at God, and crying out to Him. And I just listened, and got lost in my head, and tossed around all these thoughts, and my moment came. I realized I had joy. Absolute and pure joy. With not a single hint of happiness. I could not have been sadder, and I could not have had more joy at the love of my Savior. It was a good moment.

I'm tired of dreaming subjective dreams. I want to dream prophecy again, and know that's what it is. I want . . . I want life.

Marathons

No this is not a post about running.

"Marathons" is the name of a song by a band called Fallin Up, and I've been listening to it a lot lately. There's something in the lyrics. I like to oversell it to myself a little and scream it. But its good stuff.

"Imagine the silence racing the timeless
Holding defences
Suffer the most and surface the motion
Now do you understand

This is the true direction, This is where we set sail
The secret's coming out, No use in your resistance
This the way back home, We are the lost then found"


Today was a crazy day. Sam got up and was off at 8:30. I went back to bed and overslept. When I woke up I laid there for a few minutes, trying to determine how I felt. I wanted to talk to God about it, so I wanted to know what I was talking about first. And really, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the day. "Another day? Why?" Oh, bother.

But I was late, so no writing in the prayer journal, just go go go. Not even time for commas. I talked to God in the shower, just trying to nail things down. Trying to get some release for how I felt, how I always feel.

Show up to church late but make my way to the front with my friends and jump into worship. What an incredible experience. Everything . . . I worshiped Jesus this morning. I just let go. The message was great, Palm Sunday, so content was pretty standard fare, but somehow, it just was better. Then at the end I felt God calling, so I went up and grabbed individual communion elements and kneeled down. I prayed, and listened, and prayed, and prepared, and took communion. Then I just laid there and prayed. Just poured my heart out and praised Him and asked of Him.

After the service I spent just a few minutes hob knobbing with my friends and then jetted for lunch with moms. Holy geez I like barbeque.

Update: It is now actually Monday. I was writing the post last night and realized I didn't want to be doing it. I needed to spend time with God. So I went and tried to do that. I wrote in my prayer journal a little, I cracked the Word a little, and I tried to just lie there and listen. What did I get? I'm still not sure. And what I think I got I'm not sure of. Kind of a mess.

Part of the reason I had to quit writing is because I didn't like what I had to write, and I wasn't sure it was correct. And really I'm still not, but here it goes.

As a result of going out to eat with my mom I was late to meet Nick for disc golf, but he was gracious about it. I had a really great time with him, walking around and throwing. We talked a lot and I just feel good about it. So then I run back home and barely cool off and change before I'm heading to small group.

The first week I showed up 5 minutes early and felt like I sat around forever waiting for everyone to get there. Last week I showed up right on time and everyone was already there. This week I left late, got there about 7 minutes after, and almost everyone showed up at exactly the same time. Go figure.

It is kind of hard to relate the rest of the night. Aaron had been struggling with what to do with us, and then a little before we arrived he turned to some scheduled questions for the other groups in the church. The questions were about hard times in our lives and their relation to God.

Aaron opened with a story, and then Michael shared a little. Then Bonnie shared, saying God had told her earlier that she needed to. 2 1/2 yrs ago Bonnie and her fiancee split up, a week away from their wedding. I was floored. I knew what this meant.

After a few minutes I raised my hand and shared two things. The first was about my father, and the second was about Heather. I had no hope of holding it in. I just started crying in front of these people. Jonathan was sitting next to me. He put his arm around me and leaned over and whispered in my ear. His fiancee had left him about two years ago.

This is me trying to get up off of the floor.

And now I am aware that I am supposed to be here. I don't even know what to say. So things move along, a few people talk to me, a few just talk. Then we split in guys and girls groups and talk a little more and then pray.

During prayer I heard Jonathan praying in tongues. Again I recognized it because it was the same, the same langauge as Dustin and Heather. And again I understood nothing. But how? I am on good terms with God. Should it give me hope that I can only understand when Heather speaks in tongues, because right now its just depressing.

Afterwards Jonathan tells me a little more of what happened, and we stand around and talk. And everyone laughs, and everyone is . . . really confirmed on being a part of this group.

But something strikes me as Jonathan is talking. Something is different. God . . . all along the way, God has told me Heather is the one, even after this happened. So what does this mean. This comfort, these steps of healing. These seem to stand against that.

I find Bonnie and give her a hug and thank her for talking, because I probably wouldn't have been able to if she had not.

We all decide to head over to Steak & Shake to eat and hang out. Again it seems that I cannot escape good memories of Heather. Things that hurt, but not in a way I regret, just in a way of loss for right now. But everything is soaked. All of this is so new.

At some point while we're sitting there at dinner I realize something. This group is where I am supposed to be. But something is still off. I still don't totally fit, I'm still . . . and then I think I figure it out. This is only temporary. How long, I don't know. But I will not be here forever. It will probably not be long, a few months perhaps. That's the only way I can figure it.

As I get in the car to drive home I start kicking back over everything. I can't have been so blind as to have missed what God was saying. Especially not originally, when I was at Lake Champion. I remember on the day I drove up there. Heather had just told me she liked me and wanted to continue getting to know each other with that understanding. I expressed my concerns and then had to leave, waiting to receive her reply in the mail. While I was driving I was talking to God, and He said it, "This will be the last time." And all the other confirmations from God. Even since this happened.

But now tonight . . . . Now meeting these people I've obviously been placed with these people because they understand my pain. But for both of them its ended . . . well with Jonathan with someone else and Bonnie single. I'm so frusterated I can't see straight. Everything inside of me is screaming and racing and I try to yell along with Underoath and I can't. I'm spending so much energy on my thought process that there's none left for anything else.

I get home and I immediately try to seek God. I pray to Him, trying to figure out why I feel pulled in opposite directions, by Him. I open the Word. I pray. I try to just listen. Nothing. So I go to seek counsel. And again, nothing much there. I start to write this post and then . . . well.

"Don't dig up in doubt what you planted in faith." I was too with God to have missed what He was saying about Heather when we first got together. Everything said she was it. That she was to be my wife. And the things He have done since seem to say so as well. Until Sunday night.

How does all this fit together? What does it mean? God can't really be pulling me in different directions. And it seems a giant leap to think I heard Him wrong when I was most with Him, when our relationship was at its best. Discernment is a forte for me.

I don't know how to make sense of this. I don't know how it fits together. I don't know much of anything.

Only the Best

I freaking love people. I was definitely reminded of that tonight.

I started trying to write a post. It was about seeing the movie Seven Pounds. I began ruminating on how the best way to love Heather might be to give her up, for her good. I couldn't even type it out. My mind just got flooded. Flooded with the puzzle piece imagery she used to use talking about us. Flooded with the poem that described our first kiss almost perfectly, that she wrote years ago. I coulnd't write it. I really couldn't resign myself to that idea.

What is wrong with me?

Earlier today there was a moment. Sam said or did something, and I realized my inclination was not to react as the real me. I realized I'm still not the real me right now, and I don't know how I get there. Sometimes I'm not even sure I know what that's really like. But I know I've been there. Gladys Wright knows the real me. So does Glenn Snyder. And Jill Potter. And all those people. That's who Heather met. That's who she agreed to marry. I don't know who this is, and I don't know how long he's been here. I am going to kill him.

I've been considering lots of crazy ideas lately. I get on little kicks where I decide I'm just not going to listen to God. "What You want Heather and I together? Too bad, I'm moving to South Korea." Do they have root beer there?

This is my prayer journal entry from the night of July 25, 2008, my first night at Lake Champion this past year:

"You, Father God, are my rock and my redeemer. God, You are my God.

You called, and I listened. I followed, as was my only choice. You have brought me to this place God. As i got closer I realized this was the first time I felt at hom in months. This place God. Thank You.

I am here to do as You please. Move in me as You see fit, and as only You are capable. I am so ready for You God. For You to take me where You want. Nurse me spiritually Father. Cleanse and purify me. Use this time to further my completion. Use this time to prepare me for whatever is next. And show me Lord. Show me where to go and what to do. I have come after You. I have chased You. Deliver me."

By the time I left that place I knew I loved Heather. He told me.

Today I drove Sam around downtown Nashville again, showing him some of the sights. I knew I should show him Centennial and the Parthenon, so we drove out there. I almost started crying a few times. That places is inundated with memories of Heather.

Picking you up after missing each other at the airport. Stopping at Steak & Shake and taking the long way home. Of strolling the the park together. Taking pictures by the pond. Going through the Parthenon and the art gallery. Of siting on the bench and reading our letters. That place where you changed. Sitting in the trolley car staring at each other. Walking around Opryland Hotel. Seeing the wonder on your face. Riding in the car with you the next day. Missing John and Meagan's wedding. Scrambling to make it in time. Getting to sing at the world famous Carter Fold. Proposing to you. Watching you react. Going outside after and seeing you shake with excitement. Everyone that spoke to us and wanted a picture. Driving home with you, worshipping. Getting up and seeing each other the first time the next day. Going to the park and readin more of our letters under the shelter by the lake.

Heather . . . even right now, as hurt and sad as I am. As much as I miss you, as painful as all this is . . . that was the best weekend of my life. I can't help but smile as I recall it all. I've never in all my life had a better time. And its because I was with you.

There was a giant beaver

First things first, its come to my attention lately that a good deal more people are reading this than I thought, including some that I never imagined would. When Nirvana made it big and Kurt Cobain struggled with that success I never understood why, but now I understand, on a much, much smaller level. Oh well, doing this wasn't really my choice. I think its something I was supposed to do.

I had a dream last night:

I was on vacation on an island, with no one else around. There was a nice home pretty close to something I would picture as a dream house for me. Heather arrives and says she wants to begin reconciling, but as soon as we do so it becomes apparent she was not indeed ready. All she can do is yell and say I have all the moves to make, which she won't accept. When her family shows up to berate me for upsetting her I notice something. This isn't Heather's family. Turns out its not Heather either, these people are different. They are dark skinned and disfigured. I run away.

Next thing I know I am in a police station filing a report. Heather and her family show up and at first I mistake them for themselves. But when they sit down I notice they are still the disfigured people from before. I stand up and yell to the police, I tell them these people are trying to unrightfully take from me, then they open their mouths and they all have sharp teeth, I think of fighting but decide to run.

When I exit the door I find myself on a beach. There is a row of big guys, and I can tell they are mad at me. One of them steps up to me and I hit him and nothing happens. So I turn and run back through the door, back through the police station and out another door.

I'm now along a street, on the right side. I am with a few other people, perhaps a half dozen, and we are chasing things that are being blown around in the wind, but I can't tell what they are. It is then that I hear a voice say, "No one is killed by the last gust of a storm." We run alongside the road chasing the floating things. Then a girl in the group runs to cross the street after one of the objects, but she times it wrong and a car is headed for her. I jump in front of the car, expecting to die, but when the car hits me it crumples up and flips over the top of us, while it flies into a million pieces. And then I wake up.


Update: Had to take a very long break because Sam got here. I have no idea what time it is but we destroyed downtown Nashville.

Now the really weird thing, is that the last few days, I've been thinking of this lesson I heard Dave Sloop give one time. He was talking about in Matthew where Jesus and the disciples are in a boat and a storm comes and the diciples wake Jesus up, asking Him to calm the storm. And Dave's point was that the way that story really starts, is with Jesus telling everyone to cross the lake. Jesus took them out there knowing the storm was coming. And I've been thinking of how much that story applies to me.

And then after I have this dream and wake up, I pray and open my Bible. Care to take any guesses as to where my Bible fell open to? Yeah. Matthew 8.

I think the storm may be ending soon, but I've felt that way for a very long time.

One of the most troubling things about all this is what feels like a complete loss of discernment, which is normally one of my spiritual gifts. But here, with things regarding Heather, and work, and where home is . . . I just feel like I can't make heads or tails of everything. All the thoughts I have are at least second guessed, and usually more than that. If I feel Heather is still the one, I chalk it up to my own desires. Same if I think God is affirming our ordination as a couple. And if I doubt it, if I feel bitter or angry towards her, I feel this is just Satan trying to pull me off, or human wisdom. Same if I think of moving on. But is moving on what God really wants, is it my own thoughts that has me interpreting His readings for me the way I do . . . . And this is what my head feels like.

Emily (thank God for her) sent me a rather long message today. We haven't talked in a few days so it was a general review and response. She encouraged me in a few places and called me out on a few things.

One thing she said struck me. Yesterday or the day before I realized that I don't actually know how Heather feels. I assume she is angry because that's how she was and she hasn't contacted me. But . . . God could be doing even more with her than He seems to be with me. I don't actually know where she is. She could be just bursting to call me and tell me how much she misses me. I don't know. Oh how I wish I did.

She said something else that struck me.

"Also, I think you need to figure out how to live in the present. Not the past, not the future, the present. Love Heather in the present. Even when this is resolved, you guys will have to start over. as a brand new Zach and Heather. It will not be the same. And that will be GOOD."

And its something I've thought about. But I'm not really sure of how to love her right now. I'm honestly running out of prayer steam. And the whole starting over thing, I've thought of it, but . . . am I ready? How do we even do that? There's not a new personality to discover. There aren't years of stories to learn. We've fallen in love before, how do you do it again?

When God is involved coincidences usually aren't. Which is why Emily mentioning a particular verse that came up recently in another conversation makes me think. It is SOS 8:6 "Put me like a seal over your heart . . . ." Really? This came up last Wednesday at small group. Am I going crazy?

Today was hard. It was so hard to think of not being there for her. Not playing a part in giving her a great birthday. I can only imagine how are wedding date will feel if we are not together. Kill me now.

Tonight was great though. I had an amazing time with Sam and my brother Brian. I may write more on it later, but the short story is this: Skipping around downtown Nashville bars, saw the shortest skirt and tightest jeans I have EVER seen, and at one point I threatened to "punch a little kid in the face and put my foot on his neck and hold him down and shoot him."

Oh yeah!

"The silence is killing me" - Underoath

But its easy, Jesus is on the throne.

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday Heather. I love you so much. I wish I could tell you. For now all I can do is write this, and know how much I wanted to say it to your face.

I was writing you another song for your birthday. I hope one day I finish it for you.

I Want To Go Home

I want to go home.

That line is the only lyric of Showbread's "The Flies" on 'Nervosa.'

And that is how I feel. I just want to go home. I'm not even entirely sure where that is. My immediate though is Heather. She had become home for me. And everything else of where I was and what I was doing was fluid, was subject to change; but she was sure, and she was steady. By God's grace. I still want that to be the answer.

When I say that I want to go home right now, I am certainly thinking of her. I am thinking of how I have been bursting into tears all night because tomorrow is her birthday. Because I can't quit thinking about how she looks in pictures that I haven't looked at in weeks. Because I just want to hear her sweet soft voice say, "I love you" again. Because . . . for every reason I can think of.

I had such grand plans for her birthday. I was going to buy her Elizabethtown, one of her favorite movies, on Blu-Ray. And score tickets to the Avett Brothers. And go see some theatre show she wanted to go see. But now . . .

I just want to be with her. To tell her happy birthday. To make that day so special for her. Her best birthday ever, because she's never had a boyfriend before. And this . . . I wanted to be with her for her birthday.

But I feel so much worse than that. I feel . . . deflated. And I have for a while I've decided. I'm not sure how long but I have. I feel . . . if people are gloves, and God is what fills us and gives us purpose, I feel like He's there, but there is still room left. And I think its her.

So when I say I want to go home, I mean I want to be with Heather, for her birthday. But I'd take anything right now. I'd take having a home. I'd take heaven.

I just want to cry. I just want to go lie down and cry. And the only reason I don't is because I have no one to cry with. Which makes me want to cry more.

This is not right.

The day started well. I don't think I'm going to talk to Michael ever again. Every time I do I just feel worse than I did going in. I was ready for today to be a good day. But then I get beset by bitterness and anger and now this overwhelming sadness and longing.

I have thoughts I'd like to share, things I've been ruminating on from last night, and today . . . but I just don't feel like writing anything.

I just want to see my Heather. And tell her happy birthday.

I just want to go home.

Wednesday

Its Wednesday, and Jesus is on the throne.

I'm listening to my favorite band, Underoath. Right now its 'Lost in the Sound of Separation,' which is one of the two best cds that I own, the other being their cd prior to this, 'Define The Great Line." One of the reasons I like the music I do, and particularly Underoath, is that it is what my heart for God sounds like. It is loud. It is wild and unrestrained. It is more than some people can take. It is raw. The lyrics can be dark and talk about screwing up. But God is always central. Always supreme. He is always desired, and there is always redemption.

I mention this because I've noticed something very interesting lately. There is so much going on that seems tailored to where I am. A few months ago I acquired a cd by a band called Before Their Eyes. A pretty good, and certainly catchy post-hardcore Christian group. I just started listening to it recently and the oddest thing became apparent. There is an underlying narrative to the disc where the lyricists significant other has left him, and he struggles with why, and with his relationship with God, and the interaction of all these things. There is a song towards the end of the record where then end up getting back together.

'Lost in the Sound of Separation' contains less explicit but nonetheless poignant similarities. Most of Spencer Chamberlain's writing is about stumbles in his walk and hard times with God. 'LISS' is no different. The second song on the cd is explicitly about his spiritual failings and how they effect his role as a husband and leader. The next song is about the aftermath of such a thing. But again, the end of the cd is redemption and reconciliation.

Loose threads. I know.

Along the same lines I noticed something today. I was watching tv while reading (really?) and a Happy California Cows commercial came on. One of the cows was named Heather. Big deal? Well, I've encountered that name every single day since she broke up with me. I've either met someone, or heard it on tv. And its not THAT common. The girl who was giving me the eyes at Kairos, her name was Heather. A girl that started going to my Wednesday small groups on the same night as me, named Heather. First day I'm in Nashville, Old Navy commercial on tv where the mannequin proposes to a girl named Heather.

I know all of this must seem like nothing more than reflexive awareness. But . . .
It just seems that with everything God has been saying, and doing in my heart, that He wants that name to be written all over me. He seems determined to keep me from even considering turning my heart away from her. The end result of everything still seems to be that He is telling me she is my future. God sure is fascinating.

Tonight I finally spoke with the couple that did our marriage mentoring, well at least with the wife. The husband was already in bed. She and I talked for a long time, and shared a lot. And in the end I'm pretty pleased. I think it went well. I don't know if God will use it, and them somehow, but . . . no, I just don't know what I think.

The last few days have been very interesting, in part because I've gotten a ton of compliments or encouragements about my character.

This weekend a friend contacted me after a long time and one of the first things he did was apologize. Why? Well an ex-girlfriend who cheated on me with a girl and then during attempted reconciliation left me and accused me of lots of various bad things, had told him that I had cheated on her. Which I kind of knew. I knew that she was saying lots of bad things about me. But not once, not ever once did I attempt to set the record straight with anyone. Why? Because I am an honorable man, and I would rather sacrifice my honor in the name of not making things harder for her. I believed that it would be easier for her to get over her same sex attraction that way (for her own benefit, not in the interest of reconciling). I believed that it wasn't really important for people to know either way. That it was her business to tell. All I had on the line was my reputation. Okay, so I'm telling it now. Well, few people read this, and everyone who does either doesn't know her or already knows the truth. So big deal.

The point is, my friend apologized and said how incredible it was that I hadn't said anything to him. But I realized, that's just who I am.

I shared this with Heather a long time ago. That I had made this choice. She spoke of how encouraging it was to hear of how willing I was to sacrifice for someone I didn't even like, and I was careful to point out how much I loved her, and how much further I would go.

And now it has come. I can't give up because right now I am sacrificing for her. And I will not stop. I will not give up.

I love you, Heather.

I'm pretty sure I had a good day. I've been pursuing God pretty good today, trying to get close to Him, trying to get molded to be more like Him.

Oh, I had a dream last night, of Heather and I being back together, but I'm not sure if I'm still dreaming prophecy so I'm not sure it means anything.

I think Sam's coming in this weekend. I'm excited because I love that guy.

Keep Heather in your prayers. She needs it.

Remember: God is good. And if you ever forget, just remember: God is good. And if you ever think different, just remember: God is good.

God is good.

Glocalism

I think I'm going to Bangladesh. And at least one other place near there I'd feel more comfortable not mentioning in public. For safety reasons. Oh how that excites me. I ran into another guy tonight who said he could use some of the skills I have to offer so I'm thinking of doing a Pacific tour. Initial estimated cost: $7,000-10,000. I am not scared.



It was good to be back at Godwhy's young adults group tonight. I really like those guys. I sat with Andy and Stephen again, and we certainly said things you're not supposed to say in church. The guy I met was the guest speaker there, who works spreading good news in a place that needs it very much, but is very much against the idea of it. He said a lot of great things, but He said something that also bother me a little.



I mentioned the other night about my general dislike for foreign missions, and I think I should perhaps explain. Short term missions often end up as nothing more than Christian tourism, or at best internal investments. The real benefit is often only to the person who has gone on the trip and returned home. The reason for this has quite a bit to do with cultural relevance. I think the best way to make this point is with a movie reference.



The movie 'The African Queen' is a 1951 film about an African missionary's plot to bring down the Hungarian Empire, or something close to that. The movie opens with Katherine Hepburn and her brother leading a church service for African tribals. Hepburn plays the organ as her brother attempts to lead the tribals in Wesleyan hymns. The tribals could not be less interested. With none of them singing, and few of them even standing. So what is the point of this?



Cultural relevance. The uselessness of an organ in the African jungle is rather appreciative, especially when one pauses to think on the considerable efforts required to get the organ where it was. They had to lug that thing there. From England. And it wasn't doing them any good.



Glocalism is a term that has developed lately, and it relates a reverse to previously traditional thinking on evangelism. The view since the beginning of the church has been to work locally to gain converts, leading to an enlarging area of influence that eventually encompasses the world, thereby taking the gospel to the ends of the earth. Glocalsim, when applied religiously, asserts instead that missional activity should begin at the ends of the earth, and this will ensure local vitality. Interestingly enough I haven't heard anyone explain exactly how that is supposed to take place.



My generation has become enamored with foreign missions, sometimes I think in such a way that it has become a matter of romanticism (not the romantic type . . . exclusively). But we should be asking real questions about what good we accomplish. One of the serious problems with glocalistic thinking is with why the church spread as it did. The early church was effective, in part, because of its understanding of the culture in which the message was being lived and delivered. Why do college age people generally make better student ministries workers than people in their 40s. Cultural differentiation. Older people are part of a different culture, with different understandings, and that creates communication and relatability gaps.



Now I will admit that interestingly the converse can be true. Indeed part of the problem with middle aged youth workers is their closeness to their intended mission culture. It seems that extreme cultural difference allows for connection and communication better than close but differentiated cultures. Sometimes the culture gaps of a missionary from Alabama working with kids in Rwanda help. Those differences in able points of relation, because of what is being learned by both sides.



But the most effective missions are long term. When Paul would set up churches he would move into an area and live there for approximately two years. Getting to know people, establishing relationships. Which is the key point. The gospel is best transferred by relationships, which take time.



The key here is that the most effective missions will be carried out by native cultural citizens. Because they are most capable of establishing lasting relationships and understanding the cultural values that make the gospel most relatable.



Australia is one of the most difficult mission fields in the world. The reason for this is that life is so good there, people are rarely stripped of the things that keep them from recognizing the God shaped hole they are filling. It is tough, even for people from the richest country in the world, to understand this mindset. But a native Australian would. And would have at least some incite of where the values it produces are reflected in the gospel.



Now ultimately evangelism is God's working through us, and I can certainly see the benefit of labor missions, and training missions; but we can certainly do things to help, or at least not get in the way of God's work.



Well, all of that feels pretty flimsy in retrospect. But really . . . somewhere in there is the good point I was trying to make. Whatever.

'I am falter. I am fail.'

Oh and so it is Tuesday. Another day. Most of them really seem the same. I like Wednesdays and Sundays . . . but every other day, I kind of wish they hadn't happened at the end.

I think this post will be depressing.

The title is from a song I just started writing. Which puts me somewhere in double digits between lyrics and poetry for writing during this whole mess.

I started writing it because I just got so far from God today. I made so many mistakes. It reflects a certain reality of looking at the mistakes we can't seem to break away from, even as we try to get Christ to change us. But it also represents how Heather sees me now.

This is the look of eclipsing sadness.

Holy crap how I don't want to be writing this. I want to be writing something upbeat. Not this crap.

I forgot an important story from yesterday, Monday. I cooked yesterday. It was my third or fourth time since Heather left me. I love cooking. I love the activity of it. The creativity. I love making that offering to other people. I haven't enjoyed it once. Indeed lots of things just seem to have this sinking feeling of not being as they should. My good friend Jessica from high school encouraged me to just do everything I like, to take my mind off of things. It doesn't work. It should. It absolutely should. But it doesn't. I don't think that is a good sign.

Luke called me earlier tonight. We talked for a while. Nothing particularly striking. But I felt so awful when we got off the phone. Something about the detached nature of the conversation. At the end of it I felt like I was on the other end of the universe from Heather. And only slightly closer to anyone.

I kind of feel like giving up. Like throwing in the towel and saying, "no, its over." I know what I promised. I think I know what God has said. But right now I don't think I can do this. Unfortunately that would not be a much better path. Especially since I can't feel even the slightest attraction to any females except my beloved. Every good quality of every girl I meet and see turns my thoughts to her.

But from here it is so hard to see. It is so hard to keep pressing.

I have written in my prayer journal just once today. We are not on good terms.

I feel as though something must happen soon. That word again. Something.

God is good.